Author Chester Burton Brown
- PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG PROJECT HAS CONCLUDED. -
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050503

Does It Hurt When I Go Like This?


At the top of my game. Capturing Cloud City. Breaking Solo's will.

The signal from Boba Fett came in the early morning, and we took the fleet to Bespin. Shadowed by the girth of the gas giant the armada's sensitive sensor network marked the approach of the rebel freighter. Admiral Piett contacted me down in Cloud City: "M'lord, the Millennium Falcon has entered the system."

"Very good." I turned to face the metrosexual city administrator as he strained to appear at ease, sweat running down his brow in a constant, beading film. "Calrissian: escort Captain Solo and his party to the dining hall first thing in the morning."

"Yes, Lord Vader," he said quietly, eyes on the floor.

"I warn you, Calrissian -- do not fail me," I told him, "or your people will suffer while you watch. And listen."

Calrissian did not fail. He delivered unto me Han Solo, Leia Organa, old C-3P0 and a wookiee. Then he threw up. I had Veers put each of the captives into separate cells, except for the droid whom a stormtrooper had already incapacitated.

For the primitive our programme was simplest: he was bombarded aurally with frequencies that cause his race great physical pain, and encoded into the screeches and sirens were profane descriptions of his mother's licentiousness in the vulgar speech of Kashyyyk. He howled and hollered, beating his hairy fists against the walls and his own head. Though crude, the signals he sent were strong. His tortured heart involuntarily called out to all who loved him, and I knew my son was among them.

Check.

Leia Organa of Alderaan presented a unique challenge. In our encounters before she has always impressed me with the strength of her will, and her tolerance of corporeal pain. She has a quality of sharp pride and easy beauty about her that affects me, and I confess it is because she reminds of me her. As with her, I can never penetrate the obfuscating light that clouds her mind from me. Her spirit burns so fiercely that it is blinding, even though she does not have truck with the Force.

I entered her cell and stood over her, breathing.

"What do you want with us?" she demanded.

I made no reply, but advanced a step toward the chair where she was bound.

"I won't tell you anything," she swore.

My respirator clicking, I advanced again and patiently held my place, my lenses fixed on her eyes. She started to speak again but it caught in her throat, and she drew back against her bonds.

I put in her mind the image of Coruscant burning, the sky black with debris and the oil of broiled flesh. Hammered by my hatred, I blasted her mind with this picture of abject chaos and loss.

Startled, horrified, bewildered, her mind sang out in reflexive misery.

Check.

I nodded to myself with satisfaction and then made my way to the cell containing the estimable rogue Captain Han Solo, whom my men had secured to an angled platform facing an intimidating array of glowing and buzzing interview tools. I signalled to the commanding trooper and he toggled the control that tilted Solo toward the bristling bank of tongue-loosening hardware.

Solo stole furitive looks at me again and again. He expected questions. I chuckled and signalled for the trooper to stop. "What do you want?" asked Solo through gritted teeth.

"Only your pain," I said.

"I've been waiting for this for a long time," he went on. "Gettin' a chance to talk, just you and me. You wanna know why?"

"Pray tell, Captain."

"I know who you are!" he shouted.

Though my masque betrayed nothing I was startled. Did Luke know about me? I knew the liar Obi-wan would never have told him the truth...but could this smuggler know to tell him? How could that be possible?

"You can't hide it from me any more!" Solo continued. "Your cruelty reveals everything, Lord Vader."

"So, you know the truth..." I said, suddenly afflicted with a pain in the control circuitry of my left leg.

"Yeah, I know alright," spat Solo. "You're my father!"

It took me a moment to absorb that. Then I shook my head and smiled behind my masque. "No Solo," I pronounced darkly. "I killed your father."

Solo winced as if I had struck him. "That's not true," he muttered. "That's impossible."

Check.

I waved my hand dismissively and nodded to the trooper to commence the physical torture. The probes began to spark. Solo groaned and screamed behind me as I left the cell to confer with Calrissian and Fett outside. Both of them were whiney, but they could not burst my bubble.

The trap is set, and the ripples of his friends' pain are travelling outward, backwards and forwards through time, touching my son even before the event has taken place. I feel that Skywalker is already on his way. Soon he will arrive, and I will tell him everything.

I am walking on sunshine.


105 Comments:

Blogger Phil said...

Why Corcusant for Organa and not Alderaan when you destroyed it? Why not the images of her parents and friends and loved ones as their atoms were dispersed?

3.5.05  
Blogger Superhero Bob said...

laughing so hard...loving it...

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm walking on sunshine
Oh, oh
It's time to feel Good!

Der Emperor

3.5.05  
Anonymous ozXar said...

i could swear Lord Vader is getting incestual thoughts about his daughter

3.5.05  
Blogger Jackie said...

Lord Vader you are a master story teller.
thank you - i always wondered what you were thinking thank you for allowing us into your mind.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phil, the Dread Lord has apparently been affected by Tibanna gas, which may not be filtered by his masque. Surely he meant "Alderaan" when he wrote "Coruscant". Either that, or he his mind is full of so much sunshine and rainbows that he forgot.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Phil,

Alderaan is already dust. Sure, I could play back her nightmares to her, but for what?

Nothing would effect a citizen of the galaxy like seeing the jewel of civilization wrent asunder. If you had ever been to Trantor -- er, I mean, Coruscant -- you would understand why.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

3.5.05  
Anonymous Gooche said...

Either that or he decided to use Coruscant since that was Leia's new home as she already witnessed the destruction of her own home. How pyscologically powerful is that? EVERY home you know is destined to be destroyed...there is no safety.

Gooche

3.5.05  
Anonymous Scott said...

Certainly reminding her of the destruction of Alderaan would be painful, but showing her images of the mindless destruction of the billions who live on Coruscant must certainly cause her do-gooder heart pain. A pain which cries out to Skywalker...

A good plan Lord Vader, a good plan indeed. Those who question Lord Vader are sure to be doomed! DOOMED I SAY!

(insert maniacial laughter here)

3.5.05  
Anonymous cliff said...

i love this site, i stumbled onto it from a link in a movie forum. these stories are priceless. keep up the excellent work.

3.5.05  
Blogger subhusband said...

Nice imagination.

Put it to good use.

3.5.05  
Blogger ahamos said...

Coruscant is (was) also the seat of the Senate. Consular Leia has been away from Coruscant for so long that she might not know the Senate has been swept away.

3.5.05  
Blogger Adalmin said...

Dear Darth Vader,

You are a god and you deserve immortality. I totally hated you in Episode II, but you're shaping up to be a sufficiently evil mastermind and I'm proud of you. No, wait, I'm scared s***less of you. That's a good thing. In a way.

Your biggest fan,
Adalmin

P.S. Can I bear your love child?

3.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Many heartful greetings, Lord Vader,

It looks like things are going well for you. I can hear the song playing in my head now: "I'm walking on sunshine!"

Tell me--did you REALLY kill Solo's father, or did you just tell him that to get under his skin?

Bravo!

Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

PS You have the hots for Leia, don't you? ^_^

3.5.05  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Re: walking on sunshine

Argh! Now I've got that STUPID SONG stuck in my head. The depth of your cruelty is challenged only by the subtle means you use to inflict pain.

You are beyond evil.

If I say "don't stop" does that make me a masochist? Or maybe a mason mint. Either way...

3.5.05  
Blogger reverse_vampyr said...

New reader here, stumbled across your blog today and am really enjoying it! You've got quite a way with words, Lord Vader.

3.5.05  
Anonymous guto said...

F R E A K ! ! ! ! ! !

3.5.05  
Blogger Phoenix said...

What's with the sexual tension between you and Leia? I mean, I understand you have a princess fetish, but my God man! You're old enough to be her father! You're a dark overlord, you control the destinies of countless subjects; you can't find someone closer to your own age? Have some pride, man!

Is this some sort of mid-life thing?

3.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Domina,

I did. Buy my book.

http://www.lulu.com/content/120266

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Ahamos,

Absense makes the heart grow fonder.

Coruscant is symbol.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Radioactive Jam,

Check.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Phoenix,

I never touched the goods.

I am holding out for a woman who understands the sensual side of mercilessness.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear CheeseburgerBrown,

You are a link-whore.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

3.5.05  
Blogger DJ said...

"No Solo," I pronounced darkly. "I killed your father."

Solo winced as if I had struck him. "That's not true," he muttered. "That's impossible."

Oh my god. That is awesome!

3.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Greetings to you, Lord Vader,

I am holding out for a woman who understands the sensual side of mercilessness.

Looking for more of a masochist or a submissive?


Your adoring fan,
-Alena

PS I still would love to know the truth about Solo. ^_^

3.5.05  
Blogger Darth Hoss said...

Lord Vader,

Please indulge us.

Did the rebel known as Han Solo wet his pants when he was tortured? It has been a long rumored myth that Corillian men loose all bodily funtions when confronted with painful situations.

That is why it is also rumored that keep wookies as compainions. Their hairy paws act as incredible on-the-spot mops.

Just wondering.

Thanks for keeping it real.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Malice said...

I love your mind! Why did your leg hurt? Was it something that scoundrel did to you? And the nerve of him, thinking he was your son!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Rainer said...

Lord Vader,

It's nice to get to hear the thoughts of someone as accomplished as yourself.

I am much looking forward to the next holovid in which we finally get to see the triump of our Empire--when you finally embrace the true power of the force and get totally hot. I was wondering if His Excellency the Emperor ever taught you to shoot lightning. I understand you prefer the trachea crush, but I think you'd be way way hotter, DV, shooting lightning than old Pulpy Palpy.

You know....just saying.

~R.

p.s.: does Piett pick attractive slim young men? If so, where does he find them?? I've been a pilot in the Imperial Navy for years and have never been able to find someone to share my quarters with.

p.p.s.: thank you for the equal protections for same-sex domestic partners. I bet the Rebel Alliance has no such thing. (And not just because they're so poorly funded)

p.p.p.s.: just looked into Alliance benefits. Apparently they recognise inter-species partnerships/marriages (as long as the two species are genetically compatible), but not same-sex relationships. That might explain Solo's endless pining for your son.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

We've managed to loosen all the bolts on items in and around the Carbonite freezing area to make it easier for you to Force throw them at random targets, as you ordered. We also found 2 copies of "Twi'leks Gone Wild" and "Wookie Nookie". Are they yours?

Stormtrooper K-1012-9-111-333-2-?
Bespin

3.5.05  
Anonymous C said...

"Have truck"?

Excuse a non-english native here, but... "have truck"?!
What does it mean? I mean, in the context, I can guess what it means. But it sure sounds very weird.

3.5.05  
Blogger JODSTER said...

"Walking on sunshine"

Best line yet!

Thanks for keeping at this terrific blog. I'd like to feature it on my own blog. I have previously mentioned other celebrity blogs, but THE Darth Vader? No one would be more famous!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Dominatrix Helga said...

Slave Vader,
You are the Dark Lord Of The Sith to the rest of the world, when you come to my dungeon for your weekly sessions, you are my little piggie.
I want to hear you squeal Vader, squeal like the piggie you are.
I am going to make you lick my boots, and you will love it.
Now heel.

Helga

3.5.05  
Anonymous kbarrett said...

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Coruscant is your vision now.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Sniveling Jawa said...

Lord Vader,

Do you feel no connection to your boyhood creation, C3PO? Why have you let this testament to your young innovative genius be maltreated by your underlings?

3.5.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Cargo hold making your passenger compartment cold? Line it with ewoks. Ewoks are a natural source of insulation. Slightly used ewoks. Cheap!
---- bingorage

3.5.05  
Blogger Dave said...

Darn you write well!
The imagewry in your details are inredible.

Excellent work....!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,
Thank you so much. Your wit is as sharp as a pencil right out of a pencil sharpener!

Anyway, what is the proper response when someone utters "We get signal!"?

My urge is to correct their improper English, but I am always overpowered by my extreme curiosity to listen to the signal in question.

Thank you very much.

State Employee

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of the most creative and amusing blogs that I've ever seen. Keep up the great work!

3.5.05  
Blogger Jude said...

nice indepth commentary...

Iniard Watch

3.5.05  
Blogger Sarcastro said...

Brilliant! Just bloody brilliant! Hats off to you!

3.5.05  
Anonymous BPD Officer said...

Dear Mr D. Vader
It has come to the attention of the Bespin Police Department (BPD) that your vehicle (ISSD-"Executor", hereby referred to as "Executor") parking time has expired since yesterday at 1600 hours BCT.
Since Executor occupies 13,437 normal parking slots and 5,396 handicap slots we regret to inform you that you have been fined 6,062,838,000 imperial credits which must be paid within one (1) week or your vehicle will be towed away at your expense. Until this fine has been paid, Executor has been chained to the ground

Thank you for your cooperation

Bespin Police Department

3.5.05  
Blogger Darth Hoss said...

M'Lord,

Should I issue a "warning" to the Bespin Police department on your behalf?

3.5.05  
Blogger The Vogon Poet said...

Hmmm...you don't know that Leia is your daughter do you. HA!!!! The mighty Dark Lord of the Sith DOESN"T know everything!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Daneel said...

Trantor is mine, Vader. Let Master Jedi Hari do his work here.

On a side note, glad to see you read Asimov, posibly the best sci-fi out there.
(But i think Lucas won't accept that many of his ideas are based on Asimov's)

3.5.05  
Anonymous Optyx said...

Lord Vader,

This is 0ptyx we are watching!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Jedi Master Adara Funlamin Kehldor said...

Dearest Dark Lord of the Sith,

Ever since I had to go into hiding, due to the obvious destruction of all the Old Jedi Order, I have been meditating on the ups and downs of both sides of the force.

During my apprenticeship I wondered at the many restrictions the Order chose to burdon us with: A Jedi can own nothing, A Jedi must only use the force in knowlege and defense, A Jedi cannot Love. There is a hint of wisdom in the first two.. but the last? Can a being live without attachment to its fellow beings, or without feeling--whether positive or negative--towards others? The answer I came up with was: "No."

I kept my opinions to myself, and soon after I earned the rank of Jedi knight I was also accepted into the Jedi Council.. but I misused the power by voicing my personal opinions, and breaking the last law. They expelled me from the Jedi Order. I should have felt disgraced, but instead I felt as if a burdon had been lifted.. I felt free.

I spent the next decade or so just studying.. learning the ways of the darkside but holding off using the great power, because I also studied the side effects of over use. The body begins to decay, bones to deteriorate, muscle to melt away, skin to become little more than a papery layer covering diseased tissue. The side effects weren't appealing, especially since my particular specise lives many hundred years beyond that of yours (though our physical features are more or less identical) and I would have to live with a decaying body for the rest of my days.

Did you know of the side-effects before you tapped into the darker-side of our force? It took me half a human life time to find a way to use the Dark-Side and the light jointly, in perfect balance. The power of the Dark-Side is great, but the power of both sides as one, as a whole, is more than you could ever possibly imagine. And if this method is used the body does not dissolve into what you and the Emperor have become. But I digress....

I have been in study for almost a century, I have seen the fall of the Jedi and the rise of the Empire.. but, dearest Sith Lord, I have seen no change in this galaxy other than greater restriction and a higher crime rate. Nothing but the exchange of powers.. From the Jedi to the Sith. Do you really think you're changing our plane of existance for the better? If you do, please enlighten me as to how you plan to do this.

A concerned fellow tapper of our Universal Life-Force,

Adara Funlamin Kehldor, Fallen Jedi
crystal_dragonrider@yahoo.com

3.5.05  
Anonymous grape said...

Wow. You got spammed.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Cheney said...

>Phil said...

> Why Corcusant for Organa and not > Alderaan when you destroyed it? Why > not the images of her parents and
> friends and loved ones as their
> atoms were dispersed?

Because Leia is/was a Senator when there was an Alderann. The Senate was on Corcusant before it was suspened by the Great Darth Sidious.

Sorry for fielding that one, DV.

--Darth Cheney

3.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Omigods I can't believe that someone here is trying to convert Vader to Christianity. Dude...*HE* was born of a virgin...LOL

Lord Vader, your fan mail amuses me. Please keep posting!


Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

3.5.05  
Blogger spark_e said...

Anyone have any good Wookie or Ewok recipies? Aside from chocolate chip wookies, i mean.

3.5.05  
Anonymous argan0n said...

Dear Lord Vader,
Trantor M'Lord? You truly are strong in the dark ways to make it through "Foundation"!

My allegiance, as always...
--
argan0n

3.5.05  
Blogger Yensil's back! This time it's personal. said...

Dear Lord Vader,
I am curious about your encounter with Captain Solo, could it be that this event foreshadows your ultimate confrontation with your son?

3.5.05  
Anonymous robin said...

And either the Dark Lord has a soft spot for The Princess Bride or I've seen it a few too many times. "Your cruelty reveals everything," indeed.

3.5.05  
Blogger Trevor said...

Lord Vader, you Magnificent Bastard, you are the man!

I bet you're a big fan of Tool, aren't you?

3.5.05  
Anonymous pourio said...

holy crap. i've never read anything so funny in my life.

lord vader, you are too soft. you need to torture more ewoks.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Boba Fett said...

Lord Vader,

I must extend my apologies for being so whiny earlier. My worry for Solo's health is tied directly to the price on his head. I know you understand that I make my living off of bringing trash like him in to those who put out the bounty.

Also, as I will be on Bespin for another few days, would you be interested in joining me for dinner again? I feel we should talk on the subject of your son, I may be able to assist in the matter once my business with Solo is concluded.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Housekeeping Division said...

Dear Mr. Cheese,

Your expiration date has passed. You are slated for the next refuse collection.

Housekeeping Bot RM409

3.5.05  
Anonymous Marriott Courtyard Bespin said...

Sir:

Promises from Administrator Calrissian aside, I'd like someone to tell me who is going to pay for the room service bill these stormstoopers have run up over the past week. While Marriott certainly is proud with our longstanding relationship with the Empire and has established Empire employee rates as proof of this, our credit for food supplies is extended well past normal limits. Given the expense of supplies which need to be flown in, I'm sure you understand the difficulty in maintaining supplies at this point.

I know you are busy, but any assistance in connecting us with the Accounts Payable department would be greatly appreciated.


Sincerely,



George T. Brimmer
Asst. Manager

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Rage said...

A most excellent narrative. Keep it up!

3.5.05  
Blogger chronoflare said...

Lord Vader you are awesome, just awesome.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

The most fascinating blog I've read in a long long time. Gives a good insight into the OTHER side of the coin, so to speak.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear mr. cheese,

Did you ever consider that Vader doesn't know that Leia is his daughter? But she reminds him of her, so he recognizes her easy beauty. Or maybe he does know and there was nothing sexual in it at all. Don't you think that a parent can think of their child as beautiful without any sexual context?

Great blog, Lord Vader. Keep it up.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i came across this from a link presented to me by a friend of mine. i was *wondering* why it was totally absorbing and written so well, and then i saw cheeseburgerbrown's name in the comments. that figures! :)

keep up the good work, cheeseburger. you rule!

eudas

3.5.05  
Anonymous Padme's Handmaiden said...

Hey there, Darth, remember me? I can remember our special night as if it were yesterday. I was asleep in my bedchamber, next to Senator Amidala's wing on Coruscant. I slowly awoke to the confident massage of a mechanical hand between my legs. At first I believe it to be R2 surprising me after his security check, but I soon opened my eyes to discover your handsome face staring into mine. You quickly realized your mistake and started to pull away. I took your human hand into mine and beakoned you to reconsider with my eyes. We nodded in agreement. What the senator didn't know wouldn't hurt her. And besides, they don't call us handmaidens for nothing.

Come see me in Naboo if you are in our system. BTW Love the new look! I love a man in black!

3.5.05  
Blogger bschneider5 said...

Nice blog!!! Bradsblog

3.5.05  
Blogger Big Al said...

wow... pretty darn sweet

3.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Naska said...

Dear Vader,

i must say you have learned the Dark Side quite well. However, your training is..."Incomplete". you can find me at the abandoned Sith Academy on Korriban. meet me there. i shall teach you more things of the Dark Side than you could possibly imagined.

Expecting you at Korriban or will hunt you down,
Darth Naska
Retired Sith Lord

3.5.05  
Blogger From Jell said...

wOW! NICE BLOG!
Best Wishes from Spain!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Lord,

mr cheese clearly has issues. Would you do us the honor of putting him out of our misery?

Respectfully,

The Editors of
Treachea Crushing Weekly

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Lord,

Please pay no attention to what Padme's Handmaiden says. We're going to eject her into hyperspace in a Y-shaped spacepod, if you know what I mean.

Sheesh.

Sincerely,

HygenicDroid #27
East Wing

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Lord:

The data from our operatives is clear: give no quarter to that no-account "Administrator" Calrissian. A quick look at his wardrobe and Jerri curl will attest to where the administation's budget is going. Does any one dork really need that much activator?

Also, it has come to my attention that not only is Mr. Lucas incapable of developing a character, but that this goes triple for women characters. (I thank the Force for your masterful demonstrations herein.)

Besides, in OUR movie, Mifune Toshiro gets to wear that much cooler helmet.

Yours Truly,

The Princess
Hidden Fortress

3.5.05  
Blogger karenina said...

i'm princess leah. are you my dad?

3.5.05  
Anonymous Padme's Other Handmaiden said...

You know, I'm unemployed now, and it's all your fault. What's a good handmaiden to do with herself these days? I miss getting to wear all those cool clothes and makeup. Not like you'd know, since you're all burned to a crisp. Black, gray, and white...your Death Star decor is so boring.

Back in the day, the Republic had style, let me tell you.

3.5.05  
Anonymous midget porn inc. said...

Dear Sir Vader,

I am hereby sending you this notification to respectfully bring to your attention that one of your officers, Ozzel, has not paid his subscription to "Midget Porn" for the past month. I hope, that you will be able to communicate to your officer that his subsciption will be deleted from our servers if he does not pay the remaining balance for his past late fees. I hope not to come to that decision, considering he has been a valued customer of ours.

Thank you for your time and cooperation.

Sincerely,
Wiggly Piggly
Midget Porn Inc Management

3.5.05  
Blogger Egandopamine said...

Just think it is really funny. But I don't think Han Solo would really care that his father was killed by you. He probably doesn't know his father. He may have been living with foster parents and ran away from home at a very young age.
Love your blog. Maybe you will be able to tell us more about the things that happpened between the movies. For example, which other stars you destroyed? What other civilizations have you stamped out? What other evil schemes have you carried out?
I am looking forward to the new movie's release, but I wish it will answer some of my questions, such as why Leia and Luke ended up on different planets with different guardians. Did Amidala keep her daughter only because she doesn't have force? Is it because she hates force? Why did she leave Luke with his uncles and aunts and didn't take care of him herself? Apart from that, do you miss Amidala at all? She is the Queen, after all, of your dreams. Do you ever think of her? Other jedi gave up their love but you didn't, do you regret it?
I hope that you can tell us your story before the end because we all know what happened. Kind of.

3.5.05  
Blogger WalletFullOfCash said...

he threw up huh? you should really preform monthly drug tests

3.5.05  
Blogger Adm. Willoughby Piett said...

(Could I have been mistaken? Is Bobette, er, Boba Fett not Lord Vader's son?)

Er, lovely blog! Carry on, my lord!

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

I'm putting up the drywall up there at the new Death Star by Endor? Yeah, the bathrooms are busted again. Moff Jerjerrod isn't doing anything about it, he says it low priority. Tell that to my buddy Peter when he used the vacuum flush. We had to find a lightsabre to cut the seat off his rear. Anyways, could you like motivate him to get things working right around here.

Thanks dude,
Lawrence

3.5.05  
Anonymous Imperial Palace Secretary said...

Lord Vader,

Here is the updated casualty list you requested. Instead of arranging for funeral expenses, the Emperor invited the families of the deceased to a casual dinner at the Imperial Palace. They were gassed after the second course.

ozXar - ejected into space
Domina - rancor
Adalmin - acid bath
guto - lethal injection
Helga - dionaga
bingorage - mirror
BPD Officer - pushed off city limits
Optyx - solitary confinement with Jar Jar
crystal_dragonrider - imperial literary critic
spark_e - failed carbonite experiment
Mr. Cheese - devoured whole by sarlaac (not yet dead)
George T. Brimmer - duracrete boots, skydropped over Naboo
Padme's Handmaidens - Sold to Jabba
Darth Naska - chronic depression in retirement home
karenina - Sold to Jabba

:attatched video feed:

3.5.05  
Anonymous The Management said...

Dear Mr. Vader,
It appears that 29 orders for "Jawas are from Mars and Ewoks are from Venus" were made to your account over the Pay-Per-View system. There was also an order for "Hot Imperial Bitches: Part III" and "Barely Legal: The Dark Side." We appreciate your business sir, but request that you pay for these before leaving. To receive payment options, please contact the front desk or Guest Services.

Sincerely,
Mil-An Michi
Manager, Guest Services

3.5.05  
Blogger Amos Keppler said...

Twenty years of hell for a moment indiscretion, huh?

http://midnight-fire.net/sw

3.5.05  
Anonymous Spaceman Spiff said...

Nostradamus says:

Han Solo may say
"You are my father"

but you cut him off to soon. He meant.

"You are my father-in-law"

Leai and Solo doing the Wild Thing. The force will be in her.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Captain Jean-Luc Picard said...

This is Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise. I believe you are now holding in your custody, one, Klingon, named Worf. His shuttle pod lost power and drifted into Imperial Empire's space. We will bargain for him with one of your admirals. We apologize for the inconvience. Tell your men to lower the shields and ready to transport... or whatever the hell you maniacs do to exchange prisoners.

Picard out.

3.5.05  
Blogger Dabido said...

Lord Vader,

You could have also shown Leia re-runs of the original Battlestar Galactica.

The destruction of Corcusant would pale to insignificance, compared to the obvious ripe off the first Battlestar movie was! :-)

Dabido

3.5.05  
Blogger Darth Sidious said...

Egandopamine:
Han Solo grew up as an orphan.
Never knowing his parents.
HE was raised by a wookie and lived with mercenaries.

Why do you think he's turned outto be such a faggot?

And you might ike to watch your tone with Vader.
The royal guards are getting bored with lack of practice. Their Force Pies are getting rusty.

4.5.05  
Blogger Captain Kirkham said...

Blimey. You really are evil aren't you.

4.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you frighten me...

4.5.05  
Blogger luxuryluke said...

Yo, Evil bro,

I drove by the planet where you parked your Cruiser. It was gone...

Did you ever get d' boot off of th' Executor, n' chit?
I can't fathom where they'd find a TowTug large enough to drag it away. I thought mayhaps you used that geeky mindshit to release it...
That, and the fact that the cruiser has 40 to the 4th lumpower, yo!

Also, my crew can't login to your wireless GalaFi network anymore... Did you change the password again!?

Let's meet up again after all this 'family' nonsense blows over...

Sucks to be you, bro.

4.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

I'm going to get fired because I can't stop reading this damn blog!
If I do, could you use the force to get a new job? With better pay? Thanks.

BTW- Rollin that Han thought Vader was his dad!!

4.5.05  
Blogger lantis said...

"Yeah, I know alright," spat Solo. "You're my father!"

Lord Vader, I almost choked on my coke when I read this one. @_@'

4.5.05  
Blogger ObviouslyInsayne said...

omfg i love you

4.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone in the frikkin galaxy is someone's dad these days.

5.5.05  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Trantor??!! I love cross references! (Do have more of that in your writing)

5.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Masterfully written, wonderful atmosphere, just one tiny complaint, Leia does have the Force. The novels are a great resource for background on most of the characters. (Btw, the earlier comment by darth sidious was correct about Han's background, though not his sexuality.)
Overall, a very impressive piece, I'll be sure to keep checking on it!

5.5.05  
Anonymous Stormtropper #24457 said...

Darthy,

Ooohh! The best day of my life so far.. I got to escort you to Cloud City.. I was so close to you, I could almost touch your long flowing manly cloak..

I looked straight at you, but you ignored me! I hate that black mask of yours, I can't tell where you are looking, I can't read your expressions.. did you even notice me looking at you?

I had to take out my frustration on one of the rebel droids.. a gold interpreter droid.. I felt my anger build up and pulled him apart.. I pretended for a moment that it was you.. but no.. in that release of anger I felt much better.. I lost sight of how fortunate I was to be so close to you..

Your secret admirer,
Stormtropper #24457

5.5.05  
Blogger Spllchkr said...

I turned to face the meterosexual city administrator as he strained to appear at ease, sweat running down his brow in a constant, beading film.

"Very good."

Except that you misspelled 'metrosexual'.

7.5.05  
Anonymous jonny5 said...

The spelling of the phrase meterosexual is due to an
error in trasnlation from
the original arubesh.

8.5.05  
Blogger razorsmile said...

Darth Sidious said:
"The royal guards are getting bored with lack of practice. Their Force Pies are getting rusty."

Force Pies, you say? Most intriguing. I must investigate.

12.5.05  
Blogger Seven "7" Bates said...

Solo's exchange, is bug gusting funny man.

17.5.05  
Blogger SJ. said...

I would love to read all of that, but i'm really LAZY!

17.5.05  
Anonymous James said...

Gday Darth-baby!

Everyone here says hi. Auntie Molly says you're still her favourite, and make sure you've got plenty of clean underwear, and when are you coming home (she doesn't remember what you look like). Little Nicolas said can you please the used postage stamps BEFORE you blow the planets up. And Katie wants a stuffed Ewok for Xmas. Keep up the good work. We're proud of you.

18.5.05  
Blogger Han Solo said...

I was so sure...

27.6.05  
Anonymous Eddie said...

Anonymous said:

"Anyway, what is the proper response when someone utters 'We get signal!'?"

The proper resonse is "Main screen turn on."

29.8.05  
Anonymous Shaki Hurt said...

It's time to feel Good! ... loving it...
A good plan Lord Vader, a good plan indeed

29.12.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what's this shit with han saying Vader's his dad?

Quite entertaining, but you dare, asking for a fee... Entertaining indeed, but sometimes very out of character

Midnight

9.1.06  

Post a Comment

<< Home