Author Chester Burton Brown
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For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050430

Collect Call From Coruscant


Holy Force! I don't know what to say.

I spoke with His Excellency today, and my world has come upsidown.

To put things in perspective: I was surprised when in a galaxy where all the gifted have been slain I found myself chasing down a snub fighter that I could barely see, lost in whorls of shimmering probability as loops of Force played over it. I was very surprised and chagrined when my Death Star was destroyed by its pilot, a callow youth. In the months that followed I pursued the Rebel Alliance around the galaxy, and so did my sinister agents. Their intelligence eventually bore fruit: they told me the name of the youth was Luke Skywalker, and I was shocked.

That is when I first started experiencing the malfunction in my left leg. I nearly fell over. Luke Skywalker?

I became obsessed with finding young Skywalker. We redoubled our forces, and when Emperor Palpatine asked why I told him I had reason to suspect the hidden rebel base would soon be in our grasp. In other words I lied. To my master. My quest became less the search for the Alliance and more the search for a single man.

Why did I allow my judgement to become so twisted? I gave myself twenty lashes before I was certain: I wanted in some way to love him. It made me sick to think about. Love is a path of meat, where the Sith is the path of the mind. I had rejected my old identity -- it had burned from me, hanging from my body in sizzling cobs.

There is no such man as Anakin Skywalker!

(And yet, there is such a man as his son.)

This is all leading up to something. Stay with me here. The point is that I did not know what I wanted with Skywalker, exactly. Perhaps I wanted him to tell me. Perhaps I would just kill him, and thereby simplify the relationship. I would certainly kill Han Solo, and anyone else who had been his mentor in terror. But the point is that I was disturbed by the existence of Luke and I wanted, above all, to end the disturbance. By whatever means.

And today Emperor Palpatine, whom I know as my master Darth Sidious, calls. I wonder: do I dare unleash a cloud of obfuscation against my own master's vision? Do I dare speak before him without one to hide my uncertainty?

I knelt on the dais and sought strength from the void. The transmission phased in.

And do you know what the first thing is to pop out of the old man's mouth? I graduated from shocked to flummoxed when he said there is a great disturbance in the Force, and at the centre of it all is Luke blasted Skywalker. Inside my masque, my jaw dropped. The cloud of obfuscation I had been generating fell away and diffused. He knows!

Here is where it got really weird: I heard the words coming out of my own mouth as if I were in a dream: "He could be a...powerful ally."

My master, Darth Sidious, furrowed his ancient brow and nodded. And agreed.

So here I am now, back in my hyperbaric chamber, feeling totally stunned. My master has just handed me a way in which I can love my son: turned to the dark side as my protege. We could serve the emperor together.

I would not dare to even dream this had it not come from my master's lips. I cannot explain to you the thoughts I no longer feel ashamed to entertain since I am no longer hiding Luke's identity from him.

We could rule the galaxy together, as father and son!

And I could love again.



82 Comments:

Anonymous Infernis said...

(OOC Note.)There are very few blogs that I read...I find most of them to be a collection of whinings and blusterings that is dependent on the fact that no one actually knows the writer well enough to call him on his bluff.

I remember seeing Star Wars when I was 6 and Empire when I was 8...The story has always been about Darth Vader and I had always believed that not nearly enough time was spent on that character in the movies. So, thanks. Thanks for putting your own spin on the Sith Lord's mentality and motives. I can honestly say that your take on his mindset is perhaps the most loyal interpretation I've seen yet.

Incidentally, I love the fact that Solo catches all of Vader's wrath. I hate that guy.


~I~

30.4.05  
Blogger Felipe said...

Once again, your creativity and uniqueness in interpreting Lord Vader astonishes me.

As the previous poster, I have never bother to read a blog, but yours is becoming as important as the news feed I get in my Firefox.

Thanks for writing such gifted memoirs, and keep up the good work.

30.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous for this said...

(OOC as well) I like your humor and how you use it to portray Darth Vader. I hope Lucas reads this blog some day and gives you his take on your writing. Please keep up the great writing.

Anonymous for this.

30.4.05  
Blogger Michael Nicholas (Shinji) Peter Miller said...

Mercy sakes! I never knew the inner workings of Darth's mind could be so dynamic. *Friend-ed* Did I just add a Sith to my friend's list? Yes I did...

30.4.05  
Blogger Tessa said...

Empire of the freakin' galaxy and he still makes collect calls. Tight doesn't begin to cover it.

30.4.05  
Blogger Dan Nugent said...

(OOC: It's kinda like reading Romeo and Juliet, you know precisely how it's going to end, but it doesn't lessen the impact.)

30.4.05  
Anonymous sebulba said...

you think luke would probably be reading this ?

30.4.05  
Anonymous luke s. said...

We will never rule together, i will crush you father!

30.4.05  
Blogger Drew Price said...

For Lord Vaders eyese only: Rejected Project Names for the DeathStar

30.4.05  
Anonymous anonymous said...

So you failed to shoot down Skywalker's x-wing because the FORCE was in the way, blocking your vision... it couldn't possibly be the black eyepieces in your high-fashion masque?

30.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Anonymous,

Do not give me a hard time about my masque. First of all, I paid it off. This isn't a taxpayer enterprise -- this is me. And it keeps me alive.

Second of all, fashion is a secondary concern, but an important one. Being a dark tyrannical overlord is something that exempts one from Casual Friday, no matter how much the leather may chafe.

Thirdly, my vision is excellent. My masque's eyepieces are made from illum crystal, the perfect substance for capturing and magnifying the diaphonous tendrils of the visible Force.

I can not only read your T-shirt from here, I can also see through your soul.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

30.4.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Drew,

That strip was hilaririous. I liked the third suggestion.

I always thought it should've been called "Happy Fun Star!" in order to bewilder would-be victims.

("Caution: Do not orbit planet directly beneath Happy Fun Star. Happy Fun Star may require adult supervision to engage its micro-singularity action drive. Warning: do not trigger a blast near Happy Fun Star's secondary thermal exhaust port, right below the main port.")

CBB

30.4.05  
Anonymous Erik said...

My dear Lord Vader,

I beg to be allowed to most humbly and sincerely express admiration for your persistence at your career, despite disfigurement and the need to wear a mask nearly every minute of every day.

My own career, I'm afraid, has been shattered. The world of opera is so very, very fickle, Lord Vader, and I find myself reduced to hiding away and giving singing lessons to ungrateful divas. (Do you like to sing? Your own voice is so deep and rich and resonant, I feel that not exercising this talent in some way would be a waste.)

Indeed, I too have loved and lost. The angels wept when my precious darling fell in love with another, a callow youth with no disfigurement or deformity of any kind, but also without the true heart and soul that I could have given her. You, however... I read the comments in this blog, and I notice that you get the babes in droves. How is it, mighty Lord Vader, that you get the babes, and I, I who make them famous, I repel them? I mean, come on. No offense, but I'm French. We are galaxy-renowned lovers. We are supposed to be the ones with all the babes.

Tell me, Lord Vader, is it time for me to trade my punjab lasso for a lightsaber, and give up this unprofitable music-teaching business for the career of a Sith? I already have a black cape, so I do think I'd fit right in.

May you, my lord, have much better luck with your protégé than I have had with any of mine.

Avec amitié,

Erik
Palais Garnier
Place de l'Opéra
75009 Paris
Système Sol

30.4.05  
Anonymous meg said...

(OOC to Erik) Brilliant connection between two "men in black". Darth Erik? Bloody brilliant. Made my day.

30.4.05  
Anonymous FSRO (fatherson reorientation) said...

Here's some helpful hints to reuniting your son with you...
1. Do some kind of sporting activity, maybe fence a few rounds, complement him of course.
2. Bring his friends along as an added incentive for him to be there.
3. Maybe show him the nature of the sacrafices you made along the way to becoming dark lord of the sith.
4 Throw some suprises out there....
5. And make sure he's not confused about you being his father... like say maybe he thinks you killed his father, for example.
6. If he doesn't accept you, have patience, you've waited this long haven't you?


Father-son reoreintation services, If they don't know, tell them!

30.4.05  
Blogger harsh said...

best blog ever
(said in simpsons comic shop guy's voice)

30.4.05  
Anonymous Ulli Ogahic said...

Lord Vader,

It has come to my attention that you are sharing classified information through an unsecured web site. If you'll review the Imperial Contract of Employment (henceforth ICE) you signed upon accepting the position of Sith Lord, you'll no doubt notice that this activity is expressly forbidden.

Given your exemplary record and consistently high performance reviews, I am inclined to let this infraction pass - provided that you remove all data associated with the site from Imperial servers, and orchestrate a galaxy wide "cleansing" campaign of those who may have archived the site in some fashion.

If you are not able to meet these terms and abide by the guidelines laid out in the ICE, I suggest that you seek employment elsewhere.

I am attaching an additional copy of the ICE agreement to this transmission for your review.

Sincerely,
Ulli Ogahic
Director,
Imperial Human Resources

30.4.05  
Anonymous CHEWBACCA said...

RGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrOuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgroaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaweuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (translation: dont' even think to touch my mate, dickhead)

30.4.05  
Anonymous Storm Trooper #382910 said...

Your "feelings" make you weak Dark Lord. A Sith would never truly love someone. Love is but an illusion to sedate the ones who just can't cut it in this galaxy of ours. It's a hard galaxy we live in and those who can't stand it should step aside for someone who can.

30.4.05  
Blogger Taxidermy said...

Look, Darth, I realize this is a difficult time for you, but-can I call you Darth?-you need to kill your son. Everyone's doing it. One day he's tossing Cherrios around the Galatic Mess Hall, and before you know it, he's beating you at Playstation, then BAM-in the back with a lightsaber. You can't afford to let him go. Those feelings of "love?" Drugs. Hard drugs. Have you been loading up on E, Vader? Remember to drink plenty of water when you're "tripping". Anyway, go kill Luke. Mark Hamill had no career after Star Wars anyway! Best of luck.

Your fan,
Taxidermy

30.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Erik,

While you may feel at first this approach to be overly broad-handed, have you considered killing people who don't do your bidding or sing your praises?

Try it. It's cathartic, and it doesn't take long for others to really get with the programme.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

30.4.05  
Anonymous GAT said...

So, I'm just curious, Mr. Vader. Why are you so obsessed with your son when you also have a daughter? Do you not also have feeling for your daughter as you do for your son?

A concerned fan,
GAT

30.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear FSRO,

Thank you for the tips. Would you say that sabre duelling is a good father/son sport?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

30.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Ulli,

You are now dead.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

30.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Stormtrooper,

At least I wasn't born neutered, tube-boy.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

30.4.05  
Blogger Superhero Bob said...

to the dude dissing Mark Hamill...just because they guy didn't have much of a screen career after Star Wars doesn't mean squat. There is sooo much more to do in life than playact.

30.4.05  
Anonymous Coruscant City Government said...

Dear Lord Vader
This message that was just handed to me states that: A, you have made collect calls with credit expenses over sixteen billion. B, that you have murdered over sixty percent of your men in a five day period. And C, eight thousand counts of road rage, all of the victims had crushed tracheas. How do you respond to these allegations?

Sincerely
Benjamin Allgeck

30.4.05  
Anonymous Imperial Guard said...

Beyond lord vader's blog which is most entertaining and insightful, I love whoever is posting those comic strips in here from Yirmumah.net???

Darth, you should make those your header or something if they'd let you. Im sure they would do your bidding.

Oh, and The Emperor says Hi--

30.4.05  
Anonymous jwz said...

Yo, Helmet Dude. Can you fix your RSS feed to include full text instead of just the first paragraph? I think it used to be full text, but today it is truncated.

30.4.05  
Blogger knucklehedd said...

Lord Vader,

A buddy of mine just sent me your link yesterday and I'm getting a huge kick out of what you're doing here.

This is top notch stuff!

Also, I loved your work in

http://www.panicstruckpro.com/revelations/revelations.html

Very classy trachea work.

30.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love?!?! Love is the path to the light side. Love leads to open communication open communication leads to quality time, quality time leads to.... long mushy expressions of feelings!

30.4.05  
Blogger sassyassy said...

Can life in outer space get any better drama than this? This is one of my favorite blogs...I am a Star Wars junkie (I have seen the movies so many times I cannot count that high). Loveeeeeeeeee it.

30.4.05  
Blogger AllanL5 said...

Absolutely brilliant, Dark Lord. Clever and insightful. You are really fleshing out some of the things in your character, and in such a way that makes perfect sense.

I sincerely hope you get a moment's ease from that terrible pain in all the diodes down your left side.

Even your blogger commentators are quite illustrative. That note from C3PO to R2D2 has me chuckling yet.

I only recently stumbled across your blog, here, but having read all the messages that led up to this, I felt I must congratulate you. Not that a Dark Lord of the Sith needs my congratulations, of course.

30.4.05  
Anonymous konan the screwball said...

Your excellency,
As you might have certainly noticed one of those well meaning advice for you to go into opera. Please do not go in the line of opera - not that it is a bit of unbecoming of you and that trachea sqeulching insticts might kick in when you see some of your audience. Lets say that breathing thing really doesn't go with it, especially when you hit are about to hit a high note.

30.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,
I must say, I wish I were a genious such as you.

In lieu of that, I will do the next best thing: try to collect the scraps of wisdom from your table.

30.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog is gayer than everything in the long, pathetic history of things that have been and are now gay

30.4.05  
Blogger WalletFullOfCash said...

Dear sir vader,

WOAH, i never would have geused that YOU of all people would have such a deep heart. I mean, GOD! some of this stuff is more deep than what my Language Arts teacher writes as examples for our gay little poems and crap that we have to write!

P.S.~ mayby i will have to have you write my poems for languace arts, i think my teacher would like me more if she thought i could write like that

P.P.S.~ i just pwned some n00b in doom 3 HA! i knew that would piss you off (i feel like such a 733t kiddie)

bi-cycle

30.4.05  
Blogger WalletFullOfCash said...

or is it 1337, or maby its l337? i dont really know. maby it's just ment to be leet or elite. i mean, (actually, i forgot the point i was trying to make)

bi-cycle

30.4.05  
Anonymous dnvn_sullivan said...

and everyone says evil like it's a bad thing....

30.4.05  
Anonymous Spike said...

Hey Darth,

Bloody hell you think you have problems! Look at it this way mate, at least you got to shag your girl without her just using you to hurt herself from all these damn emotional issues!

And my first girl, don't even get me started. Makes your old boss Palpy look right normal she did.

Just wondering, have you ever considered becoming one of the undead? Far as I know you keep your connection to this force ringamarole stuff, and for added benefits you don't breath, any wounds automatically heal after a while (ditch that suit if you like) and best of all the upkeep is only killing minions for blood on a regular basis (and since you kill them anyway) you might as well use it.

Oh yeah almost forgot. One last point, if you ever get the chance to save the world with a big sacrificial gesture and all don't even think about it! I did and the girl never even sent a thank you card when I came back!

Women!

Yours truly

William the Bloody


PS - Know any tricks for fighting giant demon dragons that don't involve this force stuff? There's a box of kittens in it for you if you help!

30.4.05  
Anonymous Padme Amidala Skywalker said...

ANAKIN!!! Where the heck are you? You're late for dinner AGAIN! The phone company called because you haven't paid your bills and I just got an overdue notice from the library. Why would you want to read "Sith for Dummies" anyway? Oh yeah, and Obi-Wan was looking for you.

Get on the phone, Anakin!

30.4.05  
Blogger Nar Shaddar Research Centre said...

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Your GalacticMail address was chosen at random using ADVANCED techniques from two spiral galaxies - you're very lucky! Amazingly lucky! Maybe - maybe it's not luck. Maybe it's... THE FORCE.

My groundbreaking, powerful new technology can be used to ENHANCE YOUR force-performance, so that the exhilarating rush of FORCE power lasts LONGER.

"ForceNhancer™" can be shipped to you NOW by one of our hypercouriers, for the onetime low, low price of 89,999 credits.

Get "ForceNhanced™" today!@!!

30.4.05  
Blogger L. Skywalker said...

mean while, another journal is created, to pass the time in hyperspace between the stars:

http://imissbiggs.blogspot.com

30.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a collect call from Mr. Sidious to Mr. Vader.... will you accept the charges?

1.5.05  
Blogger The She-Creature said...

Did you come up with this dress code?

http://www.jaypinkerton.com/blog/archives/001358.html#more

1.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

I hate you. Lets link!

http://lastjedi.blogspot.com/

1.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Luke Skywalkers,

Neither of you are the real Luke Skywalker. Stop trying to mess with my mind.

The ability to create a copycat blog is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

1.5.05  
Blogger Darth Mandinga said...

This has to be one of the most hilarious things I have read in a long time. I find your love for destroying things with your mind (see tracheas, and asteroids) for your own mental health, and for the entertainment of others to be quite amusing.

The only question I have for you, is this. How do you promote excellence in your ranks when anyone that makes Admiral seems to get their trachea crushed with your mind? With all due respect, I think I would rather hand load radioactive material into the reactor core than be a ranking officer as it has to be safer that way.

1.5.05  
Anonymous Pilot EX-23-05 said...

Lord Vader,

I realize messages from the Emperor are important and all, but in the future, could you hold back a little bit until your fighter crews are called in? I lost half my squadron out in the asteroids you're so casually blowing up, so the chain of command out here is basically shot, and I didn't find out that you were moving the Executor clear of the field until you had already fired up the engines and taken off. By the time I was docked, the ship was already clear of the asteroids, and I'd flown through practically the whole thing. I'm lucky to be alive. Just, in the future, give us pilots a bit of a heads up before you take off, kay?
Lt. Lomatt Aureth,
EX-23-05,
23rd Executor TIE Fighter Wing

1.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Mandinga,

The pinnacle of success is ever haunted by the threat of tumbling down to failure. It is no different in our own ranks, except that failure is death rather than just dishonourable discharge.

But it makes no difference to the excellent -- only to the incompetent.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

1.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Pilot,

You are a clone, and there are an indefinitely number standing ready to replace you.

I am afraid your life is entirely dispensible, and so it is on this basis that I refuse to request to exercise more caution when deploying the TIE squadrons.

Consider this: you will never be entirely gone as long as we remember you.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

1.5.05  
Blogger L. Skywalker said...

DV,
nevertheless, the posts continue at

http://imissbiggs.blogspot.com

you cannot bury your head in the sands of Mos Espa forever.

That's the funny thing about space travel. All the time warping and time-debting that happens means that just this kind of apparent paradox is bound to occur.

Find the best one (ones) and expand your own horizons and link universe. Then glory in the the knowledge nad intrinsic praise of your (blog) children.

1.5.05  
Anonymous Michael said...

Hey Darth,

What do you post this with? A keyboard? Do you dictate to a protocol/transcription droid? Or do you upload your thoughts via some kind of technical nub that plugs into your helmet?

Sincerely

Michael

1.5.05  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Starfleet records show that Darth Vader had a Saturday job as the Green Cross Code Man in Britain many years ago.

1.5.05  
Blogger freakface said...

See one of many Lego Star Wars reviews at http://wikiwikibus.blogspot.com

1.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey freakface,

Isn't that spam?
Get lost.


Anon.

1.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey freakface,

Isn't that spam?
Get lost.


Anon.

1.5.05  
Anonymous Scar said...

My dear Lord Vader,

Your dialogue with the gentleman Erik struck a nerve. I, too, have a disfigurement that, in my family, sentenced me to a lesser status and turned me to villainy.

My pressing problem is that I am still not King. I arranged for the death of my brother -- oh, that was neatly done. Nothing as trifling as poison in the ear; a thousand wildebeest trampled him in a stampede. (Funny thing; his voice was very like your own -- minus the breather circuitry, of course.)

Now I find I must also kill my nephew, or have him declared dead, before I may ascend to my rightful throne. In your opinion, would it be better to: kill my nephew and eat him; kill my nephew and leave his body to serve as an example for others; or simply drive him into exile? He is the most annoying brat, Lord Vader. Honestly.

I also feel your pain, as it were, with regard to a lack of competent help. You have twit Admirals; I have hyenas. One of them thinks she's a standup comedian, and I suspect the other of indulging in drugs. The applicant pool here is simply atrocious.

I await your superb advice, my Lord. The situation is so very tiresome.

Humbly and respectfully,

Scar
Pride Lands
D'is-Nie System

1.5.05  
Blogger Lzygenius said...

Hey Darth Vader,

Wake and realize that you are in the Matrix. The "droids" are controlling you into submission.

Tring to Free Your Mind,
Neo

1.5.05  
Anonymous Chdea Betor said...

Lord Vader,

As chief sanitation engineer on board the Executor it has come to my attention that there has been an abnormally high number of corpses in with the trash lately. While it is entirely within your perogative to use death as a discipline tool, it tends to make life difficult for the cleaning staff -- especially as whoever clears the body off the brig seems to be illiterate, and it all ends up in the wrong bin as often as not. If your staff cannot tell the difference between "paper", "plastic", and "organic waste", they're probably in need of your unique brand of discipline as well.

Please make an effort to retrain your staff in basic comprehension skills.

Yours,

Chdea Betor
Chief Sanitation Engineer
Executor

1.5.05  
Anonymous Gambit said...

Dear darth

I’m Gambit, I would like to set up on a blind date with Jubilee.
She a nice girl but, I think you could bring out the dark side in her.



Halo.-Net-rings-of-galactic-destruction@flood-is-her.com

1.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Neo,

When you fight you look like Super Mario.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

1.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Anonymous - Re: spam

The poor dear just wants you to visit his website. Have a heart. He wants to capitalize on the surge of Sagamania blossoming in anticipation of Episode III.

And who can blame him, really?

Ahem.

http://mfdh.ca/cheeseburgerbrown

1.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Scar,

My advice is to you is to see to your affairs personally. Do not leave key executions in the hands of your henchmen.

My stormtroopers? I could tell you sto-ries!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

1.5.05  
Anonymous Spaceman Spiff said...

Dear Darth Vader,

According to the popularity polls that have just been tabulated - we wish to offer you our congradulations! You are the new Death Star IDOL!!!! Imagine that. A unanimous vote to boot. Congrads!

Spaceman Spiff

1.5.05  
Blogger Nescafe said...

Greetings Lord Vader,

I see you have finally found out that you have a son, yes?

May I provide you with extra information, my lord?

Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom you killed earlier, has become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. He has been teaching Luke into the ways of the force, which is unfortunately, the lightside of the Force.

There's something lies in the planet Dagobah too, I suggest you conduct a search there. Until then, May the Nescafe be with you.

2.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Most heartful greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Congratulations on your eventual family reunion with your son. I hope that all goes well.

I had a question--now that you have discovered the wide, wonderful world of computers and blogging, what operating system do you prefer? There's a bet going on as to whether or not you would prefer Linux over Microsoft.


Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

2.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Alena,

Linux? What do you think I am -- a member of the Rebel Alliance?

There can be no doubt about which Operating System the Empire employs.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

2.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Greetings to you, Lord Vader,

It would appear that I won the bet. I knew that you would never support a Rebel loving operating system such as Linux.


Your now richer fan,
-Alena

2.5.05  
Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

This is great stuff, much better than anything from LucasFilm (in recent years). I sure hope they don't get all sniffy and try to shut you down.

2.5.05  
Blogger Paul Tomblin said...

Darth, I certainly never questioned that you'd use Windows. My question is: Was Bill Gates the first Sith Lord? If so, who was his apprentice?

2.5.05  
Blogger Elisa said...

This is brilliant! Loved this post, loved the blog. Extremely well done, congratulations.

2.5.05  
Anonymous Maryann said...

Wow. intruging

2.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Lord Vader,

i have officially come down to the theory that you are actually Bill Gates. good day.

2.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friends, do you toss and turn at night?

Does every promotion bring nightmares of the inevitable trachea crushing?

Well, fear no more, friends, for Dr. betaDroid's patented Trachea Force Field with AutoForceFiend™ activation will make your tour of duty end with a big fat pension!

Simply drop by our convenient offices just above the galactic plane. Next to the Starbuck's. There, after a simple 14 hour surgury and 2 weeks of actor training with our KonstantinStanislavskyBot you'll be ready for your next screw up!

Next time you eject the fusion core when you're supposed to fire the blasters, just clutch your throat act like you're unable to breathe and let Dr. betaDroid's do the rest!

2.5.05  
Blogger Trevor said...

Aw, Lord Vader. You sound as though you need a hug. Or perhaps a large glass of milk and an oatmeal cookie. Get one of the Storm Troopers to throw the two in a blender and have at it through your straw, man.

3.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Empire uses MacOS?

3.5.05  
Anonymous Stormtropper #24457 said...

Darthy,

Another day of weapons training and cleaning up for me.. I didn't get to see you at all today, this ship is too big. If only I could get a posting closer to your quarters.

I'm worried about your absence. Is something on your mind? You can always confide in me.. I'll always be here to listen to you.

Your secret admirer,
Stormtropper #24457

5.5.05  
Anonymous Kosh N. said...

Young Lord Vader;

You continue to cow to Emperor Palpatine.

What do you have to fear? Granted, he is quite powerful but he is neither omnipotent nor omniscient. He is a showman.

…There’s a sucker born every minute…
…P.T. Barnum; The greatest show on E’arth circa 1900.

Do you understand?

Yours;
Amb. K. Naranek

7.5.05  
Anonymous Obi-Wan Kenobi's Ghost said...

Anakin, I know we've had our differences since you fell to the dark side, but you should really try dying. I'm willing to bet it'll take 20 years off of you.

8.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do all those morons call Lord Vader as 'darth' and 'darthy' and such names? 'Darth' seems to be some sort of common factor, kinda last name (see darth maul, darth sidius etc)
call him vaddy, or vader, or whatever that is a derivative of vader.


My Lord, would you please crush their tracheas when they do it again?

8.6.05  
Blogger hinder90 said...

Thank you, dear writer, for pointing out exactly the depth and creativity that George Lucas is missing in all of his latest endeavors. You are a master not only of The Force, but of expression and unraveling the yarn of a complex life. I hope that this is but the beginning of your works.

30.6.05  

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