Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050422

I Am Surrounded By Idiots


Short entry today. Full schedule. Deploying killer probe droids across the galaxy.

You know what I hate? Idiots.

What I do not understand is why they do not understand that the only way for lower men to maintain any kind of dignity at all is to respect their own limitations. Humility is a virtue, if you are low.

In my meditations I have found myself drawn toward a remote sector, one not yet scheduled for probe deployment. Something speaks to me out of the velvet between the stars, and I cannot ignore it. "Redesign for the Themoth Sector," I commanded. "Make ready the jump to hyperspace."

"But Lord Vader," whinnied Admiral Ozzel, "the armada is already moving along a prescribed route..."

I withered him with a stare, my hands on my belt.

He ordered the helm to replot our course, and notified the fleet commanders. Then he turned and asked as contritely as he could manage, "May I at least know what leads you to suspect Themoth will yield results, my Lord?"

"You may ask," I told him, turning away to the glass. "As an ant may ask the sun why it shines. It is beyond you, Admiral. See to your duty."

Ozzel hesitated. "Sir," he said crisply and turned on heel.

Do you want to know what the worst part is? My left leg is still on the fritz. Whose trachea do you have to crush with your mind to get a little service around here?

55 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are one very strang person. Thanks to G4tv for flagging this site last night on AOTS

22.4.05  
Blogger Winston said...

Withering stare? Good thing you aren't up for U.N. Ambassador or that would get you tossed.

You meanie.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Winston,

Your sardony bears the stain of the Old Republican mind: unfettered liberalism breeding questioning and hesitation when decisiveness is key.

This is the cornerstone of the New Order.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous The Ghost of Bail Organa said...

We will be victorious.

22.4.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

I am SO thrilled to be commenting on Vader's blog. He is, like, so dreamy, you know? Tall, dark, handsome...that sexy low voice...what a hunk!

(tee hee)

Seriously, love the blog.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, It's rally Darth Vader. Dude, you are so cool. You should really rule the universe you know, GO DARTH!!

22.4.05  
Anonymous greyrat said...

Admiral Ozzel called you 'Sir'?

And you let him get away with it?

Indeed, my Lord, you are getting soft in your old age...

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Bail Organa's Ghost,

Your vision has been warped to my master's ends. You see what he wants you to see.

Also, I have dispatched a psychokinetic containment team to your location.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tracy,

In the spirit of honesty I think you should know that what remains of my organic body is hideously burned and mangled.

Erm. All of it.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Greyrat,

Ozzel will get his comeuppance, mark my words.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous R5-T4 said...

Dwooooo... dweet dweet?

22.4.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

Oh Darth, don't you know? It isn't what you've got, it's how you use it!

This is a first for me...talking dirty to a Sith...I wonder what it means?

22.4.05  
Anonymous Haplo said...

Yes R5-T4, he IS the Dark Lord of The Sith.

22.4.05  
Blogger Corin Horn said...

Dear Darth,

I have infiltrated a Star Destroyer in your battle group.

Which one? I'll never tell. you'll just have to find me.

P.S.
I am still really mad at your Master for killing my Jedi Father.

Angrily Yours,
-Corin Horn (the untelekentic Jedi)

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tracy,

Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Jedi-in-Exile said...

I find this weblog of yours, Sir, to be intriguing. Though I am of course at odds with the Imperial government and the Force-persuasion of you and your Emperor, the insight into your actions is at once humanising and inducing of pathos. Yet I am confused...

You speak at length of your "son" and his status as a hero in the so-called "Rebel Alliance" (which, though I oppose the Empire on principle, I have refused to collaborate with as it would compromise my safety). I am curious as to whom you mean. There is of course the former Captain Han Solo, though you seem to rule him out by association with this child of yours. There is one who stands out among reports carried by underground networks, whose name evokes memories of that horrible war with the separatists before the Empire's birth. And with that in mind...

Stories passed on by my surviving compatriots tell of one of our greatest heroes during the Cold War, and his mysterious disappearance on the eve of the Jedi Holocaust. No one really knows what became of him, though it is suspected that he may have met an early demise by his close association with the future Emperor. That said...

...Never mind. Forget it. This was all just idle chatter anyway, to prattle away the time while I wait for the end of the Empire, or my own death, whichever comes first. Still, I cannot help but think that, what if the fate of the greatest Jedi of our time was to become... ?

No. I shouldn't torture myself with such idle speculation. Please disregard this communiqué. Good-day, Sir.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Corin,

I regret to inform you that you are on Imperial Candid Camera.

We have been broadcasting your feed to the men as a morale booster. They find your clumsy, feckless antics to be the height of hilarity.

Good luck in your "quest", doomed mongrel. Thank you for stopping by to chat.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Jedi-in-exhile,

The citizens of this empire have to understand that while the period of transition to the New Order has involved its share of ups and downs, the long-view is one of peace.

We are in all in this galaxy together.

In that spirit, I share my thoughts with you here as a kind of public service. I feel that it is important for the low people to feel they can have a relationship with their god-kings, and the seeds of such relationships can often be as simple as sharing bits of daily trivia.

We all have the occasional sore leg, or wayward son perverted by the anarchist ravings of guerillas. It's what ties us together through the fabric of the Force.

I mean, I could get into a whole thing here about using the Force to guarantee peace versus sitting on the sidelines tinkering while the low men destroy the galaxy around them with avarice and bad philosophy...

...But I am called to the bridge.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous jedi-in-exile said...

I mean, I could get into a whole thing here about using the Force to guarantee peace versus sitting on the sidelines tinkering while the low men destroy the galaxy around them with avarice and bad philosophy...

Such is true. Yet you employ drastically different means to achieve these ends than the Jedi would have ever allowed. I am curious whether your philosophy of rampant militaristic intervention and pre-emption will truly lead to a more peaceful Galaxy, or if it will be pacified, only to breed further seeds of resentment and hatred. The Jedi preached much more diplomatic (if less immediately-effective) means of persuasion and conflict-mediation, though this was fraught with perils to the Jedi involved.

I have sometimes wondered whether there might be an answer in some sort of "middle path," yet as both the Jedi and the Sith are adamant about the Force having only two sides, I am hesitant about adopting such a philosophy in its totality. But the past 30 years have left in me the deep impression that the solution to the Galaxy's troubles cannot be found in the rhetoric of either side...

Thank you again for your insightful commentary, and I wish both you and your quarry as little unnecessary bloodshed as possible as you continue on your quest.

22.4.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Regarding: the middle path.

I'm so onside with jedi-in-exile there. We need a good Jedi wielding a red sabre.

The question is: where will they stand in Iraq?

love, CBB

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anne said...

I have to agree with Tracy; the broad shoulders, heavy breathing, black leather, and deep voice are just too hot. Don't worry about the organic remains of your body being burned beyond recognition. I'm guessing you can do some serious shit using the force.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Splatter said...

Very funny writings my Lord Vader

22.4.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

Okay, okay, I didn't want to bust out the obvious jokes, but here we go:

Hey Darth, when are you going to show me your real light saber? :P

By the way, I love that the Dark Lord watches The Simpsons...

22.4.05  
Anonymous The Link Lord said...

Darth,

You say you are surrounded by idiots, but is that somewhat your own fault?

For example, you link to wholinkstome.com in your footer which is nearly useless (just check the miniscule numbers of links, 1, 0, 2).

Try linking to this instead:
http://www.technorati.com/cosmos/referer.html

The Technorati are already tracking 20 links from 12 sources to your memoirs.

As you can see, wholinkstome is insignificant next to the power of the Technorati.

The Link Lord

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my galactic overlord which i am too humble to refer to with a full name, i ask you to explain to me what superior line of thought brought you to forego an RSS feed.

or crush my trachea telepathetititically if you prefer?

22.4.05  
Blogger . Z . E . I . N . C . said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

22.4.05  
Blogger . Z . E . I . N . C . said...

Dear Lord Vader,

We received urgent notice that your leg has been bothering you and is in need of attention. While I am aware that you tend to have in-house staff supporting all the tech systems you have, I was wondering how you feel if you'd outsource the support, maintenance and new development for your tech body parts?

If you are willing to wear a T-Shirt that says "ZEINC 58 Rocks !", we'd offer our services for a full year, for FREE.

(we can make the TShirt in black)

Sincerely,

--the zeinc team

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anne said...

So you've been hurt before; is that any reason to stop living your life? I'm in the middle of a divorce and I'm not ready to give up. Give yourself some credit, my lord, and get back out there and start playing the field.

BTW, you have two estranged kids, and the word you were looking for was hesitance, not reticence.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth, are you still forced to put up with an old ImpDroSys 509 repair droid?

No WONDER you've got leg problems.

Seriously, demand a 612. They're much better with cybernetic work

22.4.05  
Blogger Jack's Shack said...

My light saber is bigger than yours. ;)

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you're dead. go away

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Mod Parent: +1 Insightful.

22.4.05  
Blogger Artymas said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I pity that you have to put up with such treatment. It pains me to see those I look up to stuck with such awful treatment. And, to answer your question, you may have to crush more than ten tracheas with your mind, if I may say.

But on a side note, I enjoy reading your Memoirs. It seems to give you more of a lighter side to your dark side.

Sincerely,
Artymas

22.4.05  
Blogger Corin Horn said...

Dear Darth,

I have eluded your "candid-cameras" through the use of Jedi mind tricks. I am surprised you cannot yet feel me in the force, as I can sense the maw of your hate like a neutron star.

Incidentally, I have killed one of your lieutenants in self-defense and am currently posing as him. Although we will never cross paths, I bet you couldn't find me, even then.

Despite my hate for you, I do respect a man of such power. You would do well to not tollerate the inane banter of some of these people. As I have experience in CorSec, I would be glad to help silence those unworthy of your time... I mean, *ahem, victory for the rebellion!

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Young Master Vader;

You hear the song but you never listen to the music.

I see plans within plans; I see divergent threads of reality. Know then, when you say that you and your master have foreseen your success and your quarry’s downfall; you mistake your confidence with foresight in that you are not seeing all the pictures may come to pass. How many times have you said that you foresaw your success to only fail? You lack true discipline. That too and more distroyed your Jedi cousins.

You forgot your lesson that the tapestry is complex, hairs split, the tossed coin has three sides to fall on.

The avalanche has begun and it is too late for the pebbles to vote, the boulder still gets to decide. Do you understand?

You should be informed that a stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

Amb. K. Nanerek

22.4.05  
Anonymous Luke said...

Father? You're still alive?!

22.4.05  
Blogger Btrthnuatmrio said...

Hey Darth man,

wazzup, I saw all of your movies to date!:) I am a great fan and hope to writh you again :)

Sincerely,
Btr-thn-u-at-mrio

22.4.05  
Anonymous C3P0 said...

Oh Master Vader, I don't suppose you have seen a little R2 unit roaming around your starship have you? He seems quite able to get himself into alls kinds of mischief.

Oh dear, is this what is called a Blog? What a very primative way of communication.

22.4.05  
Anonymous random footsoldier said...

You are one very strang person. Thanks to G4tv for flagging this site last night on AOTS

zOMG.... G4 is horrible they should bring back techtv in its origional glory... especially The Screen Savers... God!...

Goon Squad forever, isn't that right m'lord... "Please... don't crush my trachea."

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Your musings are entertaining. It is fascinating to read about other Dark Lords and their lives. An advice, forget about that pathetic Emperor and destroy that feeble old man. Good help *is* hard to find is it not? Good luck in your endeveors.

Regards,
Dark Lord Sauron

22.4.05  
Blogger refernet said...

Someone please call nurse Ratched!

22.4.05  
Blogger Josh, eh? said...

Oh no! Something's crushing my throat! *dies*

23.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Афтар выпей йаду!

lj user=skuns

24.4.05  
Anonymous Major Asshole said...

Don't you mean "I am surrounded by assholes! Keep firing, assholes!"

24.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the Police of this sector.

You have violated inter-galaxian laws requiring that all fleets over the size of five vessels contain at least one diplomat to prevent uneeded death.

You have twenty-four hours to recruit one or else your fleet will be impounded.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But they come in three fruity flavours!.....erk!"

28.4.05  
Anonymous hommie said...

wazz up? i thought yo dudes had vid clips. wass wrong whitch yo people????????????













P.S this is yo son lord vader. I love yo lord vader ! from yo hommie(son)???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

28.4.05  
Anonymous Manager, Coruscant Sector #117 outlet, Evil Vibrations said...

Lord Vader,

I would not be too concerned about the fact that your flesh is horribly burned. In my experience, women quite enjoy various prosthetic alternatives, especially with the addition of features (vibration, nubs, and other stimulators) that are unavailable with or inconvenient to add to original equipment.

And modern cybernetic prosthetics are quite good at providing a full range of sensation feedback, which can even be modified by simple software settings. So it's quite possible for both you and your partner to enjoy the experience much more than before your injuries.

28.4.05  
Anonymous samia said...

Dear Darth Splatter,

I think you'll find your correct designation is Darth Spatter.

Sincerely,

Vork 3849
Imperial Investigator
CSI: Tattoine

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

Words fail me when I meet a person of such high...er...as I said, words fail me. *cough*

Now, my question to you Lord Vader is, what are your plans for the future after you have destroyed all of the Jedi. Wouldnt it be boring without anybody to chase or hunt? You will probably have to sit in your meditation chamber (and a fine looking chamber it is) and meditate all day. Or do you have a gameboy in there to entertain you? I hear PS2 is nice. Or do you have other things planned?

Sincerely

Dartholomew

29.4.05  
Anonymous Major Asshole said...

Dark Helmet:

Sir, I beleive the phrase is "Im surrounded by assholes!"

Your loyal gunner.


BTW: Make sure you wear you seatbelt.

29.4.05  
Anonymous ilovekatebotello said...

G4 is horrible they should bring back techtv in its origional glory

Techtv was horrible! They should bring back ZDTV in its original glory! They should bring back Kate Botello!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Yoduhh said...

Amusing, this site is.

But against the Force, avail you it will not.

2.5.05  
Anonymous SM said...

Damn you read /. ?

Next thing you know we'll all be hearing about how you like macs....

3.5.05  
Anonymous Billy Spaceman said...

Lord Vader, I will be eternally in your service were you to pay a visit to the Aylesbury sector of the Earth quadrant. I think you will find wonderful target practice for the death Star among the Chavs and Council employees.

Forever your servant Billy Spaceman
P.S. Ross thinks you're not as tough as he is

4.5.05  

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