Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050420

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner


Dinner with the officers. My shameful token.

The core is behind us. The fleet makes for the rim.

I do not eat with my men, but sometimes I am obliged to join their table. I preside over them tonight as we jump from the jewel of Coruscant to the thin dust of the outer arms. My presence reassures them that this mission is not yet another in an endless series of fruitless quests but rather the certain charge to the rebels' doom.

"This time we'll have them," crooned Admiral Ozzel, signalling the boy for more wine. "I have assurances from Geonosis these new probe droids can ferret out even shielded energy signs."

"That in and of itself is not new," pointed out Captain Piett gently. "The key is their operation as a swarm. It's the network efficiency that is ruthless."

Like most lower men they cling to their technological marvels, when the real quest will be won by cultivating a sensitivity of the spirit. With the droids as my long fingers I will channel my search along them, feeling out for that hated, burning ripple in the fabric of the Force: the Rebel Alliance!

"It's inevitable," Ozzel scoffed. "Efficient droids only hasten the process. How can the rebels even imagine they can stand against us?" He chuckled and drained his cup. "Wouldn't you agree, my Lord?"

"Their doom has been foreseen," I said.

The fool Ozzel grinned, while the others nodded respectfully and then tipped their cups. "To the Empire," added Piett, and the company agreed.

Later, in my chamber I kicked back and had the droids remove my masque. I listened to Chasto's Third Symphony and for reasons I do not fully understand it moved me to weep. I destroyed the audiophonic system with a nod, and it fizzled with a groan and a whisp of smoke.

"Take care of that when you have finished with my leg," I told the repair droid kneeing before me, his instrument penetrating my calf and exploring the faulty circuitry there.

When the droid left I opened the small compartment on my chest where I keep my token of her. Every time I take it out to hold it I vow it will be the last time, and that I will crush it in my fist when I have found my peace. But that peace comes only nine tenths of the way and I find myself closing the compartment, the token once again esconsed inside.

It is so stupid.

It is just a japor snippet that was carved a long time ago. Part of a necklace that was dashed from her neck, before the choke.

It all happened to someone else! I close my fist to crush it, but I have already put it safely away.

My weakness makes me sick. Does my master suspect my failure?


41 Comments:

Anonymous Admiral Veers said...

Lord Vadar,

I would advise against any further entries to your journal. The Imperial council yesterday terminated the contracts of three TIE engineers who had leaked information about our latest project to the scum over at TIE,INC SECRET.

They got dooced, and so will you if you do not desist.

I look forward to your arrival tomorrow. Please do not strangle me.

Kind Regards,
Admiral Veers, BSc Coruscant (Astrophysics, Despotism)

21.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Veers,

Your advice is ill-conceived, for none carry the favour of the empire as I do.

Suggest otherwise again and I will see to it your testicles spontaneously explode.

Yours,

D. Vader

21.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

You rule.

21.4.05  
Anonymous Grand Admiral Thrawn said...

Lord Vader,

I'm just checking up on the datanet from the outer reaches of the galaxy, and I'll just have you know that when I get back I'll have you and Palpatine's hides for exhiling me out here, you bastards.

I have a feeling that you'll lose this war. And if you had me commanding your forces, you would win.

21.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Great and Mighty Lord Vader will end your pitiful existence for such words.


Storm Trooper Beta Tau 113

21.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Thrawn,

When you get back to the core know this: you will be grovelling for you life at SOMEONE's knee.

On this particular matter I do not care whether it is mine or the knee of my enemy.

But kneel you will.

And die.

How's the wife?


Sincerely,

D. Vader

21.4.05  
Blogger Steve said...

Jesus Darth! Lay off the Crack buddy!

21.4.05  
Blogger Grub the Raper said...

Lord Vader,

Much better than Irate Savant!

21.4.05  
Anonymous Stormtrooper T-4103 said...

If I might say sir, it was a bit of a waste with the audiophonic system. However, I am sure that we have plenty of them laying around.

I saw you the other day as well. We passed in the hall, not sure if you noticed me or not. Probably not, we all look the same.

I'm afraid I have no point to this so I will not bore you any further.

--

Long live the Empire!

T-4103

21.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Stormtrooper,

Thanks for troubling to write. You might not believe it, living as you do in the constant camaraderie of arms, but it can be lonely being a superpowerful cyborg. I appreciate your little hello.

By the way, I really like the way your generation of clones has finally adopted the standard galactic pronunciation. It really adds to the dignity of the army.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

21.4.05  
Blogger Omar Cuellar said...

I just saw your blog on G4 channel on Attack of the Show. You were on tv bro. That skit they did was hilarious.

21.4.05  
Anonymous Yoda said...

Much conflict I feel within you.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omfg joo suxor stfu joo noob shut up and die, you bastard

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Omar,

Thank you for letting me know about the G4 airing. You will be rewarded hansomely. Would you like a planet?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Yoda,

You fight like Miss Piggy.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Jedi Mistress Iruka said...

Love is neither a failing nor a weakness. The banning of such emotions by the council was a terrible mistake.
*gently strokes to small remembrance hanging from her own neck*
Do not berate yourself my lord…it is quite unbecoming.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Iruka,

Are you making fun of me?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05  
Anonymous Jedi Mistress Iruka said...

*kneels in submission*
My Lord! I would never! I simply wished to have a small say. If I have angered you, know that it was not my intent and you have my humblest apologies.

22.4.05  
Anonymous Cameron Watters said...

O.K. This site is great, but the thing with the consort is beginning to feel like a bad game of SW:RPG.

Anyway, for (hopefully) the last time, it's "General Veers", at least in the original trilogy (wherein this blog appears to be set).

Also, General Veers had a son named Zev. Seeing how he carried his father's name, it would surprise me to learn that this was a bastard child by some common slut. Is he a clone?

22.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find it hard to believe you have a japor snippet, since it was buried with her... LIAR!

23.4.05  
Anonymous Jedi Master Redivilus said...

Anomymous (above),

I advie that you not mess with Darth Vader's wrath, or mine. I think he would have kept a japor snippet from which he carved, many, many years ago.

The Jedi are still alive Vader, you can sense it...

24.4.05  
Blogger Mike Abundo said...

You'd have more than a memento if you hadn't choked her in the first place. Jerk.

I bet your son's gonna be more romantically successful than you. As a matter of fact, I bet he's gonna have a swashbuckling love story with some cool mysterious assassin-type chick, and marry her.

24.4.05  
Anonymous Repair Droid LE-8029B said...

*click* *beep-boop* *whirrrrrrr* *beep*

26.4.05  
Anonymous BORG QUEEN said...

Dear Darthy,
In the mood for some Borg on (cy)Borg fun with me sometime? Luv to check out what's under the codpiece. Is that a lightsabre in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Assimilating various species can be a hectic career choice Darthy and sometimes I wish I had a nice,tall Dark Lord that I can curl up with at the end of the day,someone who is secure in their own status in life as a Lord of the Sith that won't be a hanger on just because I'm the Borg Queen,someone who will appreciate me for me and not just my nanoprobes. Trust me Darthy, we'd have alot of hot times together. My drones could probably fix that bum left leg of yours too.. So if your Sith Lord enough Darthy give me a call. I got a nice tight black exoskeletal teddy I'd luv to show off for you. So remember Darthy resistance is futile. If your a good Sith for me maybe I'll let you assimilate me on the first date.
Borg Queen

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Feel free to remove this once read--I don't really want to break from the spirit of your blog as it's thoroughly entertaining. But I really wish there could have been some kind of spoiler warning regarding the post and subsequent comments for the "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" entry. I really didn't want to read something that gave anything in EIII away, and given that these posts take place prior to Hoth, I thought it was safe reading. I was wrong.

Please consider removing spoilers (or at least noting them somehow).
Thanks,
Anon.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Wedge A. said...

4LL Y0UR B4S3 4RE B3L0N6 T0 U5

Cheers, Rogue Squadron and co.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two chicks hitting on you in a single blog entry... My, my, you've lost touch, Iruka finds you hot!

The problem is it's not only them who find you hot. Does the Dark Side let you recognize the feelings? Can you feel the expressions on the faces of some storm troopers you pass by? Do you know -how- do they look at posters of you in their lockers? The comments about the black and silver stripes on your chest?
I, being strictly hetero, find it very disturbing to listen about their fantasies of "prize" you'd give them for destroying the Rebellion...

And those suffocation freaks. They are scary. They actually DREAM about being strangled by you. One day, when you punish one of your generals, move your sight from his eyes to his crotch and you may find a... disgusting surprise.

-- anonymous stormtrooper hailing from obscure frontier planet. (protecting my identity from revenge of the gay underground)

28.4.05  
Anonymous General Trickfred said...

In regards to the schmuck above complaining about spoilers - Are you serious?? You're reading a BLOG written by DARTH VADER himsef! What did you expect him to talk about? "Oh, I'm evil, especially because of those things I did all those years ago, but can't talk about because someone might read them here and be upset because they didn't know I did them."

Do the Dark Lord a favour, and go read Rosie O'Donnell's Blog instead.

28.4.05  
Blogger Serona said...

This isn't Rosie O'Donnell's Blog?

Sith-spit!

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This might be a stupid question, but how can one recognise a spoiler from EIII when you have not watched the film?

My Lord: How do you feel about your life being chronicled in these films? Is this Lucas person doing it justice?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so awesome....

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth Vader,
You were always my favorite character in the triolgy. I totally understand how you feel all the time. You've done many things you regret, but the past is the past. You still have human emotion and it shows. I feel the same way as you do most of the time. I won't go into any more detail for fear of you getting offended and my death would soon follow. Hope you are well.
cheers,
Ethan

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Mr Vader
How do you get your helmet so shiny? What products can you recommend?

Lots of love

A secret admirer

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: Spoilers...
That's obvious. When they says about Matrix Reloaded: "Humans alliance finds out that the robots are slaves to a race of aliens. They ally with the robots against the oppressor. Meanwhile a huge alien ship approaches Earth"... - Don't tell me you haven't seen that spoiler all over the web.
Same here...

29.4.05  
Anonymous Stormtropper #24457 said...

Darthy,

You passed me yet again today... but you didn't even look at me. I could smell your cloak and metal scent as you passed me, something I will treasure tonight.

Oh Darthy, if only you knew how much I want to be with you... without our protective armour on..

If only you would speak one word to me.. or look at me..

Your secret admirer,
Stormtrooper #24457

5.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

I find YOUR lack of a face disturbing.

love and kisses.
Admiral Motti

17.5.05  
Blogger Beloved Leader said...

I think Stormtrooper #24457 is not so secret an admirer when he signs off with his serial number. Lord Vader need not disturb himself with his death...just arrange a blanket party for him in the barracks. Unless they are all a bunch of goth homos as well....

21.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

Is it possible to use the force to.. pleasure yourself?

your faithful servant,

24.5.05  
Blogger zandperl said...

* Spoiler! *

Regarding accuracy: I know you wrote this post a while ago, before Episode 3 was released, but you might want to look back at how Vader got Padme's necklace. In the movie, she was wearing it at her funeral, so you couldn't've just gotten it after using the Force to choke her.

25.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

vader,
yoda might fight like miss piggy but u r miss piggy

1.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,
You have better watch yourself. Those stormtroopers are out to get you... I wonder if that defect was with Jango Fett.

Anon

8.6.05  

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