Author Chester Burton Brown
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For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050429

The Wind Beneath My Wings


I am going to tell you a secret.

I want to tell you who my hero is. At risk of treason I confess that it is not my master, Sidious, whom you call Palpatine. And it is certainly not Obi-wan Kenobi, the righteous fool who should have been like a father to me, but could not bring himself to be that strong. But Master Qui-gon Jinn could. He was taken from me before I even got a chance to really know him. Despite this, I loved him.

Qui-gon used the Force to see what was wrong with things, and then set them straight as cleanly as he could. He was decisive, and he was quick. He knew what he needed to do and he brokered no guff from anyone about it.

When I met him I thought to myself, "This is exactly how I have dreamed a Jedi Knight to be."

He was pure. He had no relations with either women or men. He ate no meat, and he barely slept. He drank only water and wine. The Force swirled around him like a cape, and when I closed my eyes I could see the figures it described burning against the darkness of my eyelids.

I think I thought he was a god. I know I thought he would be my dad.

But Obi-wan was too weak to defend him when it counted, and Qui-gon died.

Obi-wan was a pretender to the role of Qui-gon's son, just as he would later play at being the father of my son. Obi-wan was slippery, bondless, secretive, cunning. Nobody says these things about him, but I know. I lived with him for years. So many of the things he did were just not fair.

Hold on. I need a death-stick.

I am back. Where was I? Oh yes, Obi-wan...

When the moment came to strike down Obi-wan, I hesitated. I am still not quite sure why. But the ghost of Qui-gon whispered to me, and told me what to do. Kill him!

So I did it.

Up yours, Obi-wan Kenobi. You will never pretend at anything again. You hid from me the one truly beautiful thing I have ever made: a baby boy. And you have corrupted him with your lies. (At least the green worm Yoda is dead. For this I am grateful. Trained as Jedi young Skywalker shall not be. Ha!)

Meanwhile, the search for the elusive Millennium Falcon in the asteroid field has yielded no results. The whole affair has put me in a sour mood. Can you tell?

Forget it. I am going to return to the bridge to shatter asteroids with my mind. I find it soothing, and the officers really get a kick out it.

105 Comments:

Blogger biz said...

excellent blog

keep up the good work

29.4.05  
Blogger Tessa said...

Just found it, and am developing and all new love for the One True Darth. Thank you!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice

29.4.05  
Blogger Felipe said...

This blog truly allows me to feel beyond the dark shroud of the dark side that surrounds Lord Vader. It is touching on how can we all empathise with such a remarkable figure most people misunderstand.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At last: the inner life of the one and only Dark Lord.

Keep up the good work!

29.4.05  
Blogger PolesPosition said...

Dear Sith Lord Vader,

Long time reader, first time commenter.

Are you truly comforted having "killed" Obi-Wan? Deep within, you know that striking him down will only make him stronger. His ghost will continue to provide guidance for your son. Perhaps that's why you did it? For Luke's benefit? I think you should look deeper on this one.

Also, any insight as to why some Jedi's dissapear when killed and others do not?

Regards,

Pole's Position

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader:

That last asteroid was the shuttle full of entertainment holos.

All us stormtroopers are crying down here.

Trooper 1st Class Delta 409

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About the green worm you think is dead- go check out Dagobah.

29.4.05  
Blogger Joseph said...

Darth Vader, Sith Lord
Flagship Executor
c/o Imperial Navy

Lord Vader,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback on our latest capital assault line, the AT-AT walkers. Although we try to consider every combat scenario, our design team must admit that low-altitude aerobatics with tow cables really caught us off-guard. You bring up a more substantive point, though: the legs. Mechanical legs are a weakness in any design. We blast-shielded them, reinforced them, and made them very stable, but in the end, legs can get tangled, stuck, or Vorm Rat-tied, as you put it.

As a result of your brilliant suggestions, we are redesigning the new AT-AT capital assault systems based on hover technology, subsequent to some recent corporate acquisitions from the Trade Federation. In an effort to foster goodwill between us, we humbly offer the first production run to you, gratis.

As promised, the original design team for the AT-AT present-day have been transported to your command ship, along with their next of kin. They are all very pleased to be considered worthy of your personal audience, and look forward to working on that "personal project" you mentioned.

Keep in touch,

Movii Ykesso
AT Industries & Design
Coulomb's Drift

29.4.05  
Anonymous Tatooine Public Library said...

Mr. Vader
You may not remember us at the Tatooine public library, but we remember you. How could we forget you when you still have that overdue book, "How to Hitch a Ride With a Jedi"! We keep sending you overdue notices, but you have been ignoring them. This is your last chance. Return the book and pay the overdue fee of 4,000,000,000 imperial credits, or we'll send old Mrs Macontosh, from your younger days, to collect it!

Tatooine public library, it ain't much, but it's got it where it counts

29.4.05  
Blogger eyeris said...

By god, that death-stick line was a GREAT touch!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Mojobo Unfufu said...

Dear Sir,

My name is Mojobo Unfufu, and I am an exiled leader from the planet Smogo. When the Empire took complete control of the planet, I was forced to flee with my family.

We did not have time to take our money and the treasure of Smogo out with us. However, secret operatives on the planet have kept it safe from Imperial eyes.

As the treasure is being liquidated and moved off of Smogo, we need people to help us launder the money. If you would help us out, that would be great. You pay a one time transaction fee of $4000 and we will wire you ten million credits. You get to keep one million for your troubles.

Please send all your personal information to unfufu704@holo.net. We will arrange a meeting on an outer rim world and ...ak...chk...can't....breathe....silf....dXP

29.4.05  
Blogger Drew Price said...

I'm glad I found your blog Lord Vader. It really makes me understand your situation more. Hang in there man!

Boba Fett's House of Pancakes! - mmmm... pancakes!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Poleposition,

I have been obsessed with the desire to strike Obi-wan down ever since he left me mutilated and burning alive on the shores of Mustafar.

Am I satisfied? You bet I am. You should have seen that little smirk drop off his face right before he vanished.

Trust me, his light has now gone out from this universe.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,
While I appreciate the merits of titling this pst as you did, I am disappointed that you missed out on a chance to reference your previous post with a play on words...

"Qui-gon, Take Me Away..."

pjr

29.4.05  
Blogger Ed Walker said...

Lord Vader,
You have opened my eyes to the lies told by your enemies. And proven yourself to be quite the writer. I will read your entries with relish and prepare to be illuminated.

29.4.05  
Blogger Luke S. said...

Hey again, Pop. You know as well as I do that chasing us around the galaxy is a fruitless exercise. You're going to have to wait for me to come to you.

Also, why don't you forget about that Lando character - He's just a thug, anyway.

Your son,

Luke S. (the terrorist that strangely does not terrorize, as opposed to you, you big black dag nasty evil machine - why, you're barely different than red robot!)

29.4.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

I agree eyeris.

29.4.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Of course Qui Gon only drank wine and water. Wine is the beverage of the gods. I'm a big admirer of the rather quirky Jedi man myself. A shame that he's no longer around.

BTW, about those "certain attachments" that you gained after your unfortunate accident...will you ever be elaborating upon that for your curious fangirls^H^H^H^H^Hloyal readers? In any case, I hear that you're good with your lightsaber. Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to earn a demonstration of your talents. ^_^

-Alena

29.4.05  
Anonymous Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Learner, You must listen to me. Teach you the secrets of the living force, I will. Anakin, you must do this for your son; he searches for you, just as you search for him.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Sinkuu said...

oh, man... this is GREAT!

I NEVER, in my WILDEST DREAMS, thought I'd get to talk to the Dark Lord himself...


Dude... YOU ROCK!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

l0rd vad3r,

U R teh h0t!!11! IM me I will send U my w3bcam link!11!

L8R,
b0r3d & h0rny

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

l0rd vad3r,

U R teh h0t!!11! IM me I will send U my w3bcam link!11!

L8R,
b0r3d & h0rny

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate 733t..grow up and learn to type

29.4.05  
Blogger alteran said...

Lord Vader,

I have been reading your blog and I must say, it is a very enlightening and entertaining. I would like to thank you on behalf of all loyal citizens of the Imperium for this "look behind the ventilator."

While I certainly accept your explanations for the extraordinary run of bad luck that has allowed the terrorist rebels to elude capture and continue to wreak havoc with the Imperial order, I would be remiss as a citizen if I did not share with you a disturbing observation of mine. While no one would question your ruthlessness and effort, your pages are lacking in a certain... joie de evil, if you will. I cannot escape the conclusion that you are, in many ways, merely going through the motions. It's as if, and please forgive me for saying so, the goodness has not been driven from you fully.

I wish I had advice on this, but I have complete faith that you will resolve this crisis with your characteristic decisiveness.

Your humble servent,
--alteran n'var

p.s. Sorry about the son.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dumbass, it's 1337 not 733t... Damn n00bs...

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey i loved you as the green Cross Code man!!!!!!!!!

29.4.05  
Anonymous General Veers said...

Hey Darth, I just wanted to remind you that you're on chips and salsa duty at poker night tomorrow.

Also, a bunch of the guys were gonna drink some beers and head down to the entertainment department to check out the new flick they just got in. They are showing "George Lucas Rapes The Corpse Of A Decent Film To Sell Toys", it's supposed to be a million laughs!

Regards,
General/Admiral Veers

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA! Lets kill them all! Death is the way!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Bob, Entertainment Director said...

Most Wise And Benevolent Lord Vader,
All copies of "The Lion King" have been removed from the ship's entertainment video library. We have no clue how or why that damn lion sounds just like you.

Please don't crush my puny trachea with your magic powers!

Humbly,
Bob
Entertainment Director
Flagship Executor

29.4.05  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

Get real you Sith fool, you knew Jinn for like - what? a couple of hours? How long ago was that now?

Why can't you just forget him?

Did he...

erm...

did he touch you?

Is that what all this rage and anger is all about.

Tis a galactic shame.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear PJR,

You are right. Damn. That would have been better.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just for the record, those weren't asteroids you were destroying with your mind, and that wasn't an asteroid field. That was the intergalactic dumping ground for unsold JarJar Binks merchandise. I salute you for ridding the universe of that foul trash.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Slartibartfast said...

Yo Darth!

Good to finally catch up with you!

Just curious - what is your mitichlorian level?

Also - is there anyone, either currently or in the past, (with the possible exception of Palpatine?) that you feel or have felt a truly symbiotic relationship with?

Inquisitively yours,

Slartibartfast

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Alena,

That really is not the sort of thing I can go on about in mixed company. Understand, I do have a certain dignity to uphold.

I cannot be whipping out my clapping-monkey dildonic theraputic massaginator just any old time..

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Sinkuu,

You have been dreaming of getting a chance to speak to me, and yet all you have come up with is "you rock"?

'A' for enthusiasm, I guess, but not a particularly creative use of the opportunity.

Good luck in your endeavours.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear b0r3d & h0rny,

STFU.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous CPL Richards said...

Lord Vader:

I can't help thinking that recent defeats of the Empire are partially due to your excessive use of an Imperial Army and Navy, but no Imperial Space Marines.

May I humbly suggest that two Battalions of Imperial Marines be raised consisting of
one Colonel, 2 Lt. Colonels, 2 Majors, and Officers
as usual in other regiments, that they consist of an equal number
of privates with other Battalions, that particular care be taken
that no person be appointed to Officer or enlisted in said Battalions,
but such as are good spacemen, or so acquainted with spacetime
affairs as to be able to serve to advantage by space.

Best regards,
CPL Richards

29.4.05  
Anonymous the_dannobot said...

Dear Mr Grumpy-Pants Vader,
Wow, you sound like you could use some cheering up. Don't they have kittens and puppies in a galaxy far, far away? Those always brighten my day.

Maybe you could get a petting zoo installed in the Executor. Nothing helps me relax after a long day of trachea-crushing like fuzzy bunnies and billy goats.

Sincerely,
the_dannobot

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Troll-bot sez:

Whine! star wars sux
star trek sux
You all suck
All God's Chillin' suck!

I hate this, but won't leave cuz I want you hate me or love me! [insert generic rant of your choice]

Whine! This isn't a hiku
Whine! I can't spell, you can't spell
All God's chillin' can't spell.

Troll-bot now leave!
but will be back!
You can't stop me from whining!
Whine!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Rob said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I immediately thought of you when I read the following link a few years ago, but I haven't been able to contact you until now.
http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

It seems like something that would be valuable for your officers to read, and might reduce the number you have to kill because they are so incompetent.

Cheers,
Rob

p.s.
out of character: Bravo to the writer! Your ability to bring Vader to life and deepen the character is impressive and enjoyable.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darthy what's up? You haven't called, you haven't sent me an sms, you haven't replied to my emails!

Is this how you treat all girls??

Hugs and Kisses,
Cheryl

29.4.05  
Blogger Greg said...

Lord Vader,

We've completed that analysis of trajectories on the fleeing Rebel ships you askedfor. They appear to be massing on what our my staff believes to be an arbitrary rendezvous point just above the Galactic plane. Best estimates say that if we leave now we could arrive a few hours after the last fleeing rebel.

(We also saw one of their smaller ships (X-Wing class) heading off towards the Dagobah system, a curiosity in that our recently launched probe droid reported as being barron with only the most primitive live forms. We couldn't make anything of it, but thought you might.)

We will keep you posted if anything new comes up.

Commander Greg Levine
Executor Analyst Team

29.4.05  
Blogger Combava said...

Dear Mr Sith Lord,

The dark side clouds everything .. specially episode III ( I've heard some call it spoilers ).

As the little worm that I am, I don't know what happened to you on Mustafar .. some say I don't want to know for another few weeks.

Yours truly,
Mr worm ( please don't crush my throat )

29.4.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Much greetings to you, Lord Vader,

You are quite right--how foolish of me! I would not think to compromise your dignity.

Therefore, I will suggest that you meet me at my place, and therefore keep your dignity intact from the decidedly mixed companies that mingle on your blog. I will provide chocolates. Surely chocolates would be worth the trip?

Here's to hoping,
-Alena

29.4.05  
Anonymous Glad I'm Not You said...

You're a moron. Stop wanking in your Darth costume and get a job. Oh wait, get a life first that may help.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Doug'las Blackwater, Minor Imperial Minion, Mos Espa, Tattooine said...

My Lord,

It was with great pleasure that I was notified of your blog in a conversation I had this morning with a fellow covert operative via secure holo-net.

As I go about my sometimes-exhausting daily tasks of supressing pro-rebellion rhetoric, extracting useful information from those spineless Bothans, and furthering your glorious New Order, I sometimes find myself wondering, "Is it really worth it?" Please do not think for one moment that I'm harboring treasonous thoughts; I merely question whether my efforts really make much of a difference, big picture-wise.

Now that I have had a chance to finally get a look at the man behind the breath screen, so to speak, my outlook has improved immeasurably. Please, my Lord, if you can, continue sharing your daily life with us so that we may have a focal point upon which we can dedicate our energies.

I remain, my Lord,
Your Servant

P.S. When you get a free moment, can you possibly teleport me off this rock? I was thinking someplace a bit more...humid. I understand there are planets out there that actually lack a Jawa population. I would love to see that first-hand.

Cheers!

29.4.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Most kind sir,

I guess that chocolates wouldn't be appropriate, then. ^_^ What would you prefer instead? I have connections....


-Alena

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should really put this all in a book someday. It's is completely awesome. What's scary is that I can totally understand Vader's--I mean, your--point of view on life. Woa.

~Kai Starfire~

29.4.05  
Blogger GutterBall said...

I hate to say it, but I've always though that Qui-gon was twice, no TEN TIMES the Jedi that Obi-wan was. He had no problem listening to and trusting the Force when even the elder Jedi couldn't make it out.

Gah. Now that I've revealed a hint of my Star Wars geekiness, O Lord Vadar, I must say that this post is damn near poetic. Who knew an honest-to-the-Force heart beat beneath all that synthetica?

Many kudos, Lord Vadar, and my sincerest admiration.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Alena,

Please disregard the comments from the imposter. The real Vader would never be so needlessly rude.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

29.4.05  
Anonymous Klydano Horithcan said...

Lord Vader,

I would like to know the real reason for the attack on the planet Hoth.

Hoth is listed as a frozen snowball
having no strategic or tactical value at all.

This being the "official" story, begs the question:

Why would the Terrorists AKA "Rebels" set up shop on a planet with no natural resources, and no ability to grow food?

The logistical demands of supplying a rebel army on such a harsh place are simply mindboggling.

In addition, why did you feel the need for a ground assault upon Hoth? Why not a Blockade to starve them into submission?

There are only two conclusions I can come to either:

1. Hoth has been misreported, and does indeed contain an important natural resource, which both the Rebels and the Empire wish to control.

OR
2. Your general staff needs to be replaced with a room full of drunken jawas.

Klydano Horithcan (TKR-103392)
Water Potabilty Detail
Imperial Reserve Garrison
Tatooine

29.4.05  
Anonymous greyrat said...

Much better! I particularly like the mns-like ciggie break.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you ever hang out with Black Helmet Man or Dark Helmet?

29.4.05  
Anonymous Adolph Tarkin said...

Dear Load Vader,

I represent the official publisher of the Empire, EmpireReading. (Disclosure: we are a subsidiary of EmpireWorld wholly owned by Dauntis Palpatine LLC). Our past publishings included Palpatine: "Savior of the Republic", "Palpatine: Rise to Power", "Palpatine: Gentle but Firm", "Palpatine: The Jedi Purge is Just", "Palpatine: Humanitarian", "Palpatine: Jedi Traitor, Why we needed Order 66", and of course the all time best seller "Palpatine's first 100 years in holos". We also have published many articles in EmpireToday including the often referenced: "Most Humans are Created Equal, Aliens are not", "Aliens Need Not Apply, How Humans will bring prosperity to the Empire", "Why disgusting aliens should sit at the back of the transport", "The Useless Senate, why we no longer needed it", "We can live without freedom because we are safe", and my favorite "Why Alderaan had it coming".

We are here to offer you a chance to publish your memoirs. Think "Sex in the CityWide Coruscant" by Candy Bendover about those 4 Twi'lek whores. We would also like to consider purchasing the movie and merchandise rights to your memoirs. Our working title is "The Empire Strikes Back at the Rebel Scum". Although some of our focus groups want us to shorten the title. We already have a mockup for a marketing campaign complete with figurines, linens, and our soon to be patented toilet paper "Rebel Scum Wiper".

We need more positive publishing for the human kids of the Empire. I think your book has that potential. As the previously peacenik liberal "activist" from Alderaan IdaTalkTooMuch parroted Supreme Emperor Palpatine, "The Empire is just. We must squash the rebellion. We will wipe them out. All of them." a few days before her planet was disintegrated. This publication will further that cause.

We look forward to the opportunity to work along the most prized apprentice to the Supreme Emperor.

Your Human Servant,




Adolph Tarkin
SS Human Propaganda Specialist, 3rd Division Coruscant
EmpireReading
78999 S Palpatine Rail
Floor 133 Suite 45Zeta
(888)(800)(555)272-555-EMPIRE

Come see us at booth 33459A at the 6th annual HUMAN Expo conviently located next to the popular Stormtrooper Rifle Target Training. (Warning: All humans should wear grade 7 body armor if approching this exhibit. The empire is not responsible for any missed shots.)
More info at http://wwwww.HumanExpo6.empire/EmpireReading
This year the Expo will be located at the newly constructed convention center located on the former Senate grounds.
The first 4,000,000 paid humans will receive a free Supreme Emperor Palpatine bobble head.
"Come Early, Come Human!"

29.4.05  
Blogger Darth Sidious said...

Do not think your ruminations are going unnoticed Lord Vader. Nothing escapes my vision.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Parking Attendant, Hangar Bay said...

TO: All personel, Flagship Executor

Would the owner of a gray TIE-Advanced, license plate "S1TH LORD", please report to the hangar bay AT ONCE. You are parked in a RED zone, and your vessel WILL be towed AT THE OWNER'S EXPENSE!!!

Thank you.

29.4.05  
Blogger ghostmonkeygeneral said...

dude - this rocks.
I have duly pasted a link from my blog.
Hail the Dark Side

29.4.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Many heartful greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Of course I will disregard them. I am most glad to hear that the voices of your admirers do not displease you. ^_^ After all, how can they resist you? Especially if they have a fetish for tall men in black leather with a deep, sexy voice....


A true, albeit humble fan,
-Alena

29.4.05  
Blogger Bryton said...

Lord Vader,

I would be honored to be your apprentice. So if you have an opening let me know.

29.4.05  
Anonymous noctanter said...

Master Vader, I think its time to consider adding to your roster of personnel . . .


"In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...the A-Team."

29.4.05  
Blogger darth sidious said...

Why do you not share these feelings with me Lord Vader? You know you can tell me anything.

29.4.05  
Anonymous MedevalMaiden said...

Wow, I am really impressed by your blog! I will definetly be checking back here in the future. Vader Rocks!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of the most amazing and entertaining things I have ever come across on the internet. Please, continue...YOU RULE

29.4.05  
Anonymous Han Solo said...

Ha, you schmuck! You couldn't even catch a mynock with an Interceptor if you tried. I'm still at large and you're never, ever, ever going to figure out where I'm going to hide next. Oh yeah, C3PO says 'hi'.

29.4.05  
Anonymous The womp rats said...

Dear Lord Vader

We wish you all the luck and haste in the galaxy in locating and destroying both Han Solo, and that murderous thug you call your son. Please, crush Luke's trachea for us.

Like he's sooo tough because he can shoot us poor rodents with his T16. For chrissakes, we're rodents and he's got like, what, about 20 times the IQ we have, opposable thumbs, and a freakin' T16 with a laser! Hooo boy..he's got skills all right...jackass.

Sincerely

The Womp Rats

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Vader,

It has recently been brought to the attention of the Intergalactic Software Alliance (ISA) that your ship, Executor, is running on an illegal pirate copy of StarDestroyerOS XP. Furthermore, evidence gathered by the spatial cleanup crews that collected the remnants of the detonated DeathStar v0.3a and DeathStar 0.73a prototype units suggests that more destroyers within your fleet may in fact be running illicit copies of StarDestroyerOS XP.

Our ship will be docking with Executor tomorrow at 04:00 hours to begin a complete audit of your systems to ensure licensing compliance. As part of this process, we will also be scanning your Imperial databases to ensure licensing compliance for the remaining ships in your fleet.

Please be aware that the United Galaxies Intellectual Property Act provides for severe penalties for each violation of the Proper Software Licensing clause subsection B, up to and including public humiliation and deactivation of any bionic body parts.

Sincereley,

- Qaun`Fi Smchyttllstyx
Lead Compliance Officer
Intergalactic Software Alliance

29.4.05  
Anonymous A wan doo ff said...

Sie verloren Sie Weise. Sie müssen die dunkle Seite zurückbringen lasen meinen Kampf, Sie müssen zur dunklen Seite zurückgehen.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

As you may be aware, his supreme eminence the Emperor Palpatine recently signed in to law the Sith with Disabilities Act (SDA). Promoting the rights of, and benefits conferred by the act amongst the out-of-port Imperial Fleet is massive task but one with which we are required to comply. We would therefore humbly request that you spearhead this effort by promoting your recent diodic difficulties amongs the crew, and as a token of our good will, have shipped a Mark 4 Imperial Walking Frame by express mail to your quarters.

Sincerely,

Georgelu Cassini
Fleet Legal Council

29.4.05  
Blogger Andy W. Anderson, Ph.D Candidate said...

Mr. Vader,

In addition to working for a large and public university located on the planet earth, I am also a representative of the IIRS (that's intergalactic internal revenue service). It was recently brought to our attention that you neglected to disclose the full expenses for the construction of your primary residence, the "Deathstar." If a full report is not made within 72 earth hours, or an extension not filed for within the next 48 hours (for which a penalty will be assessed) than the IIRS will not only be forced to send an audit, but also be forced to contact the necessary authorities. As a final measure, we very well may be forced to charge you with Intergalactic Tax Fraud. As you know, we highly respect your posision as the "Lord of the Sith" but we have before assessed penalties to the "Lord of the Dance" and the "Lord of the Flies." so do not think that your priviledged status protects you.

Sincerely

Andrew W. Anderson, MA Candidate and IIRS worker

29.4.05  
Blogger Squatting Jedi said...

Lord Vader,

I'm sending you this email instead of calling because you've changed your number, again. I really had a great time with you in that bathroom stall in the catina in Denon. Your flexibility in that black armor is not just amazing but sexy too. Oh, where was I? Oh, yes the reason I am writing you is that I just got back from the doctors and the E-M droid told me that I've got Space Boils. I think you should get tested too, trust me if it starts to burn down there you know you're in trouble.

Well if you're ever in the Kuat system you should look me up, I'm moonlighting as a dancer for a local Hutt.

Tootles!

29.4.05  
Blogger The Yell said...

1-2054654-87871
In Re: Ticket #110239459828
To: Command Bridge, SD Irritator
CC: Commanding Officer, SSD Executor

Upon direction from Qaun`Fi Smchyttllstyx, Lead Compliance Officer, we are unable to respond to your Tech Support query.

This ticket is now closed.

Siddda Foresh
Tech Ops 337

>>On 1-2054654-87869, you wrote:
omgwtf! A single @&$#*! rebel ion blast just wiped my server, my hard drives, and my backup disks! The ship's spinning in orbit over Hoth! HAAAAALP!<<

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Darth,

I have been unable to find any copies of your excellent book, Trachea Crushing for Dummies, at my local bookstore. Can you please let me know if it is still in publication, and if so, which stores may still have it in stock?

Thanks!

- Bob C. Cock

P.S. -- I'm also eagerly looking forward to your upcoming cookbook, 1000 Ways to Prepare Ewok.

29.4.05  
Blogger Lola said...

Wow. Qui-gon must have had the fortitude of a wookie. He could sustain himself on only water and whine and didn't need to have any solid food.

That would surely kill a weaker man!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Maul's Upper Torso said...

Qui Gon was a pussy!

29.4.05  
Anonymous The Midget Inside R2-D2 said...

Vader, dude, can I get some of that re-breather technology you use? I can barely breathe inside this thing!

I don't even understand why I need to walk around inside this damn can. And why am I only allowed to talk in beeps and whistles? Like, remember that one time I saved your ass above Naboo by fixing the hyper drive? Everybody was all "Thank you, Mr. Droid", and I was like "Beep Boop Bop"? That's Droid for "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TIN CAN!"

Christ, you wouldn't believe how hot it gets in here. Remember when you captured Leia's transport, and didn't shoot down the escape pod? Thanks a lot asshole, I was lost in the desert for days with that homo-bot C3PO. I almost lost my shit. I was like, "Alright, fuck this noise, its a billion degrees in here, I'm getting out and getting some water" and C3PO was all "Now R2, behave yourself." Christ, I would have rather you shot us down and put me out of my misery.

And while we're talking about C3PO, yeah, nice programming job there. What, couldn't you make him any gayer?

29.4.05  
Anonymous Kohrak said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Awsome blog! I just stumbeled on it today, and I gotta say, very entertaining to read. It's cool knowing whats going on inside your head.

Anyway, I gotta ask you this, since I think any reporter who asks is probably going to get something that rhymes with achia crushed if he asks you in person.

A few hours ago, some of my friends told me of some leaked intelegence reports from the Hoth raid. These reports are said to include pictures from the memory core of a medical bot working in the Rebel clinic. I haven't seen the pictures, and Google search revealed nothing thanks to the civilian filters, but apparently, they are pictures of Princess Leia, Rebel Ho-Bag supreme, giving tounge service to a recovering Luke Skywalker.

I kinda figured there was something going on between those two from when the rebels broadcasted scenes from the Death Star attack and the insuing medal ceremony.

So, good news, your boy is getting some play. Bad news, its with one of the biggest Rebel sluts there is.

Good luck hunting rebels!
Kohrak

P.S. The more I think about it, the more the whole Luke-Leia thing seems wrong to me. Can't put my finger on why though...

29.4.05  
Anonymous ForceMAX Power Pills said...

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29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader
How do you know that Qui-Gon spoke to you? I mean maybe the Emperor spoke to you after noticing Obi-Wan through your eyes or maybe you just wanted to kill Obi-Wan?

Sincerely
Stormtrooper Sergeant 16671432

29.4.05  
Anonymous The peasant Asuyuka again said...

My lord, why do you think Qui-Gon persuaded you to kill Kenobi?

Oh, and if m'lord doesn't mind me asking...

What were the circumstances of young Luke's birth...? One of those things that have always mystified me...

Again, I mean no offense...

29.4.05  
Anonymous Coruscant Casualty Co & Clones said...

Coruscant Casualty Co & Clones
1 Imperial Way
Coruscant


Dear D. Vader:

Coruscant Casualty Co & Clones is pleased to announce that we are now offering volcano related injury riders on our personal insurance policies.

Next time you are in system we will dispatch a courier with your amended policy.

Thank you for being such a great customer!

- Melvin Valorum, III
- New Policy Initiatives
- Coruscant Casualty Co & Clones

29.4.05  
Anonymous darth nader said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

The twisted priorities of your Administration are reflected in your endless public health cuts, mandatory sterilization plans, budget shortfalls, incessant taxation without representation and position on enviromental destruction. The bloated, wasteful, redundant military expenditures, including the boondoggle unworkable "Death Star Program" at over 9 billion imperial dollars last year, come at the expense of programs that save the lives and health of the Empires' people here at home.

Where will you begin to make up for the malpractice of your administration?

Sincerely,
Darth Nader

p.s.
Are you still on for golf on Sunday?

29.4.05  
Blogger Brian said...

Lord Vader,

Riiiissseee up to your evil oppressor and explain to him that his lack of sensitivity is causing you to needlessly force choke all kinds of people, from your wife right on down to Admiral Piett. Speaking of Piett, how come no letter to his family?

My Lord, you live.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Lord Xalfein said...

The worst part is Obi-Wan passed on his pansy ways to Luke.

It must be depressing to know that even though you are the greatest jedi ever, genetics couldn't save your son from becoming a pansy tree hugging rock floater.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

Where are the rebel weapons of mass destruction?

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I used to be a handmaid on Naboo. That was a really cool gig. Well, when we weren't dealing with the Gungans. It's hard to keep those handmaid costumes dry, you know.

Anyway, Padme Amidala was a great boss. But what do you know about her? She was one of those rinky-dink Senators that you and Palpatine love to hate. Poo to you.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Shiny British Droid said...

To The Midget Inside R2-D2:

I am not a fag. I'm British.

You've always resented the fact that I can go up and down stairs.

You have never been able to deal with the fact that I am fluent in over six million forms of communication and they never installed a simple language pack for your ass.

Get over it.

Quit the "3PO's a homo" crap. It's old.

Don't even talk about the ride in the escape pod. You were crapping all over yourself. There was oil and antifreeze shooting everywhere and I was like "Settle down, Beavis."

The gloves are off and everyone should really know you were wasted when the princess' cruiser was caught. You couldn't steer straight and you were all over the place. I was trying to follow you when the troopers busted through but you couldn't keep it on a straight line. Not only was I dodging blasters but I was trying not to get run over by your three legged drunk-self.

You know it, I know it, and know the whole world knows it. You pull to the right when your drunk. 2 drinks and you need an alignment.

You hit the wall after the princess gave you the plans and if it weren't for some fancy editing, everyone in the universe would realize how much you really drink.

Seriously, you're the only friggin droid I've ever heard scream. Every time I turn around you're getting shocked or blasted and then there it is "WOAAAOOOOA".

Suck it up.

I've had my arm ripped off by Tuskan Raiders and at Lando's place I was blasted into nothing but a torso. Before that my damn head was ripped off. Did you ever hear me scream?

Never. Sure maybe an "Oh dear" or an "Oh my" but never "WOAAOOOAAAOO".

Face it midget, you are classic Napoleonic. I'm taller. You hate me.

It really is just that simple.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is how Imperial policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five clones. In the cage, hang a beer on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a clone will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the beer. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the clones with cold water. After a while, another clone makes an attempt with the same result - all the clones are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another clone tries to climb the stairs, the other clones try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one clone from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new clone sees the beer and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other clones attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five clones and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original clone with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four clones that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest clone.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original clone, all the clones which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no clone ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Imperial policy begins...

29.4.05  
Anonymous Beru Lars said...

Pity, my Lord Vader. That you think Obi-Wan so weak. It is you who are weak, monster. Your arrogance is your weakness.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

We found your cat. Could you please pick her up as soon as you can. She's been crushing mice tracheas all week.

Thanks,
The Eakins Clan

Here's Darth Satine

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://snarkyspot.blogspot.com/2005/04/krautboy-women-will-get-sterile-just.html

29.4.05  
Anonymous pickled shuttlecock said...

I heard a nasty rumor that might damage your credibility and reputation as one of the baddest. It would be nice to get it out now, and have your official statement on it.

Did Alderaan really shoot first?

29.4.05  
Blogger Chris said...

It's good to see that Vader has feelings and thoughts. Question is - where do you shop oh Lord Vader? Are you a Wal Mat kind of guy?

30.4.05  
Anonymous A knight Who Said Ni! said...

Tis True!


Bring me a shrubbery!


*NI!*

30.4.05  
Blogger obiwan said...

Dear Darth,

I am now more powerful than you can possibly imagine. And Luke's coming to kill you. I made sure he's on the path to become a Jedi.

Nyah nyah!

Sincerely

- Obi-Wan

2.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"one truly beautiful thing I have ever made"?

Some kind of dad you are! First of all you got to hit some of that sweet Padme. Aside from being hot you got the best of both worlds. She was young overall, yet still the older woman.

Oh yeah, and what about Leia? Some Jedi you are, you board her ship and you couldn't even detect her? Well done, father of the year. NOT!

2.5.05  
Blogger joker71 said...

I think this is really good writing and all but do you have any other styles? Can you write about reality for a second or two? I mean I love Vader too but I want to see you stretch your reality to it's limits with your words and not just with pulp fiction.

2.5.05  
Blogger Isaac PC said...

Fantastic. Very imaginative. Please keep up the good work.

3.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Joker71,

http://mfdh.ca/writing

Go crazy.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

5.5.05  
Anonymous Scoke Faofa said...

Vader:

Keep up the awesome blog. I read it daily.

Oh, and Kenobi isn't all you make him out to be. There is good in him. We've all felt it, why can't you?

Oh, BTW, just cause you killed him... Well.. I'll let you find out. ;)

5.5.05  
Blogger The Dark Lord Of The Sith said...

Lord Vader,

You will not fail me. I am aware of your weakness towards the son of Skywalker. Don't even think of trying to turn him against me, with the whole "together we can destroy the Emperor, and rule the galaxy" thing again. Losing your arm for the
15th time since Obi-Wan should have taught you a lesson, you have not reached the full potential of the Dark Side. There is no way to defeat me. Remember Dooku? He turned against me, and payed for it with his pathetic weak life.

Just freeze Skywalker, and bring him to me. I will deal with him. Oh, and be sure to get some more of that wampa jerky on your way back, I don't care about the 2 battallions of stormtroopers that we lost last time. This stuff is just too good to worry about the lives of a few.

Your Master,
Darth Sidious

P.S. I hope you get this in time. Cutting off limbs gets old after a while.

5.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

excellent blog ..but a death stick??? He can't smoke!?! he has a mask!

26.5.05  
Anonymous Yoda said...

A green worm, i am not.

26.5.05  
Anonymous Qui-Gon said...

You slander me even when I am with the Force. I would never tell you to kill my apprentice.

26.5.05  
Blogger Alex said...

"Hold on. I need a death-stick."

*howls*

~PCBabySunribbon

29.5.05  

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