Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050427

It's Christmas On Hoth


Big day. Storming the rebel ice fortress.

Took a nap first so I would be peppy. Leg feels pretty good.

Admiral Ozzol took the fleet out of hyerspace too close to Hoth, and the Rebel Alliance were -- you guessed it -- alerted to our approach. The cornerstone of Ozzel's arrogance is his insistence that rebel technology is so vastly inferior to Imperial technology that we need broker no caution.

This attitude is typical of a man who could not rephase his own fusion orb if his life depended on it. He cannot fathom what rebel engineers may accomplish out of desperation. People who are good with things, people like me, can appreciate the infinite diversity of possible tools buried in artful combinations of even the humblest technologies. Give me an hour to reconfigure an industrial grade repulsolift and I will give you an ion cannon and enough parts left over to build a droid to run it.

Ozzel just isn't the creative type.

The problem is solved now, however. I crushed his trachea with my mind, and promoted Piett to command the fleet. I have transmitted to following note to Ozzel's kin:
Dear House of Ozzel,

I regret to inform you that your son has been killed in the line of duty.

He was an incompetent, yammering boob and he will be missed by none. I have allowed the men to pillage his personal belongings, which is why we have enclosed nothing but the sole remaining item: a torn advertisements page from a magazine of midget pornography. May it shock and disturb you, and may you think of it always when you remember your dearly departed son, the ninny.

Know also that his limitations as a sub-par military professional caused the deaths of many of the Emperor's loyal soldiers, whose funeral expenses will appear on your next tax assessment.

Sincerely,
D. Vader
Too harsh? I call them as I see them.

At any rate, the attack on the hidden rebel base began and I had General Veers mount a ground assault. Once his walkers had destroyed the rebel generator I made planetfall and personally supervised our incursion into the base. I must say that the stormtroopers' new heavy weather gear makes them look very cool. Hats off to Palpatine. (Most people don't know this but His Excellency designs all of our outerwear personally; he has a real flair for geometry, and a great sense of line.)

Due to Ozzel's bungling we arrived too late, and the lion's share of the rebel terrorists had already escaped. I could feel the presence of my son, but he was not at the base. The good news is that as I came into the rebel landing bay I saw the renegade Han Solo escorting the traitor Leia Organa aboard the same Corellian freighter that we captured them in last year. And do you know who else was with them? C-3P0!

Talk about a blast from the past!

The tendrils of the Force swam around them, and as the troopers positioned their cannons I closed my eyes. In the darkness behind my eyelids I could see the diaphanous fingers of the Force dance around their spirits as they fled, lazy loops of bifurcating destiny falling behind them like smoke.

I opened my eyes to see the freighter rocket away. "Ready my shuttle. Inform the fleet to close the net."

I am on my way back up to Executor now. Everything I had conjectured is true, and the bond between them is indeed strong. Within hours the Millennium Falcon will be in our hangar, and Han Solo's pain will sing out to my son.


45 Comments:

Anonymous Galactic Adoption Services said...

Dear Mr. Vader,
It has come to our attention that you may in fact wish to adopt. Our personality analysis experts say that perhaps parental duties and the rewards they bring, would put a certain spring in your step. Surely you know what it's like to be without a father? Well you can make the second smartest decicion you ever made( besides turning to the dark side) and adopt!

Note: any deficiencies you have should be noted here as we seem to have detected that you are an asmatic.

Galactic Adoption Services

27.4.05  
Blogger Chief Powers said...

Darth you da bomb... keep up the great work.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Red_Headed_Man said...

Dear Lord Vader,

a useless servant wishes to keep up with you communique's. Please add an RSS Feed to your blog. I'm sure that the robot who repaired your leg & music system could add this.

Loyal listner,

Red_Headed_Man

27.4.05  
Blogger Luke S. said...

Hey Pop! Just wanted you to know that we're all reading your weblog whenever we get the chance (when we can catch a breath in hyperspace). Great stuff!

Your Son,

Luke S.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Ordpa Gapar said...

Vader's Atom feed is here:
http://darthside.blogspot.com/atom.xml
You can subscribe to it

(I am loathe to reveal this information, as Atom is a Rebel format, but even Rebel technology serves its purposes. We may yet use their own site feed format against them.)

27.4.05  
Anonymous Ordpa Gapar said...

Vader's Atom feed is here:
http://darthside.blogspot.com/atom.xml
You can subscribe to it through most feedreading services or software.

(I am loathe to reveal this information, as Atom is a Rebel format, but even Rebel technology serves its purposes. We may yet use their own site feed format against them.)

27.4.05  
Blogger Ghastly said...

I never fully appreciated what a troubled, sensitive soul you are Darth. Perhaps a hobby would help lift your spirits when you're feeling a little down in the diodes.

Have you ever considered taking up watercolours? It's most relaxing and rewarding.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Barrister Anotton G'Bata said...

Dear friend,
This message may come as a surprise to you because we have never met.
Following the destructon of the rebel base on Yavin, my father, Chancellor Tinyan G'Bata transferred 10,000,000 credits to an unmarked account in the Corisant's Citizen's First Empire Bank.
Please to be fowarding you phone number so we can make arrangements for you to claim the money. You will keep 10% for your troubles.
This is NOT the "Kessel" scam you may have heard about. I am a legitimate Barrister.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Red_Headed_Man said...

I wish to thank the other supporters of the Galactic Empire for the information on the REBEL feed -- I am loathe to use it my master -- but it allows me to see your comments quicker.

Red_Headed_Man

27.4.05  
Blogger Eric2 said...

Just remember Lord Darth,
Sith Malt Liquor Bull...it works everytime.
Your pal,
Lando.

27.4.05  
Anonymous H. Simpson, Lord of the Duff said...

Beware Lord Vader! The quisling "eric2" is obviously a rank imposter: Lando (a.k.a. "Billy D.") is a proponent of the wicked potion know as "Colt 45," not the far inferior elixer called Malt Liquor Bull. If I may quote Lando himself: "I'm not saying it's the Colt that did it, but why take a chance..." Clearly this is a trecherous rebel scheme to vex and confuse your Lordship. All hail Darth Vader! D'oh!!!

27.4.05  
Anonymous DNA said...

Darth,

If I may offer a little bit of advice to one so trachea-crushingly powerful, why bother trying to nab your son? I spent a few weeks on Hoth myself trying to find two snowflakes exactly alike.

Anyway, the way I hear it, your boy doesn't even have the sense to come in out of the snowstorms. Practically froze his tookus off when he wandered outside of a perfectly good snow cave just because there was a polar bear in it. He had his light saber on him. It was charged up and everything. The boy just got scared. I'm thinking he wouldn't make much of a Minion of Evil.

There's another rumor flying around that Obi-Wan may have been in the hospital in Coruscant when your son was born. I'm just thinking - have you ever done a DNA test to even see if he's yours? What if Kenobi changed bassinets or something? I mean you would never run from a polar bear.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Slade Ripfire said...

Hey Ani,

Thanks for the holla-back bro.

Should I be calling you Vader now? (I can't believe the Emperor let you get away with that name. Guess he hasn't got much of a clue huh, dude? 'Anal Invader' how obvious is that?)

I'm working for my dad at his used speeder bike shop. Mainly sweeping up, so Force Cleanse comes in handy, surprisingly. Who knew? It sucks, but it's a paycheck. Am I right?

My old lady, her two kids and I are living in a double-wide spice container I've been converting. You should visit. We have a pretty good view of the moons when they set. It's not exactly the life I dreamed of, but hey I'm living vicariously through you, dawg.

Gotta split man, my pop wants me to wrench a few nuts off an impulse drive unit. Good thing I kept my saber, hydrospanners are a bitch.

Slade

27.4.05  
Anonymous loyal officer said...

Dear Vader
On behalf of your loyal officer core, we have planned a revolution.
First we kill all the lawyers, then the rest of the weak and incompetents in the empire.

Ps: sorry we have not taken the initiative sooner would have save you the trouble with Ozzel.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Emperor Palpatine I said...

Hey Vader, you still up for deep sea fishing on Corellia this weekend? Veers just got a nice boat and Piett is bringing the beer.

Empsy Palpsy

27.4.05  
Anonymous Heidi said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

I was wondering what you think of the various products out there with your likeness on them? Such as this statueand this Mr. Potato Head?? I am thinking of extending my Vader collection, as you are my personal hero, and would just like to know if you personally approve all these items or if they are black market contraband. And if they are black market, what steps do you plan on taking to stop it??

Thank you very much,
Your adoring fangirl,
Heidi Salame

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sir !!!
I can have a Assassination squador a small fleet of 1000 tie fighters and
10 destroyers, start system wide search for those responsible for the t Mr. Potato Head.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog is AWESOME.

27.4.05  
Blogger Jason said...

Lord Vader,
I'm terribly sorry to hear about your traffic ticket. One question... why didn't you crush that cop's trachea with the force?

27.4.05  
Blogger Boba Fett said...

Vader, we have sme business to clean up regarding payment due. I'll expect to hear from you shortly... and please, none of that Jedi mind communications nonsense, you remember what happened last time. Just call me.

- Boba
http://bfett.blogspot.com/

27.4.05  
Anonymous Demiun said...

Dear Mr. Vader type dude.

Well first things first, Nice blog. I really like the color scheme.

now that that is out of the way. I really think you should see someone about this trachea crushing thing. I have a friend who is highly respected in the counsilling area. (just dont mention your mother or he may blame everything on her).

Sincerly, Demiun

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

You may consider this my offical resignation from the Imperial Navy (Tech Branch, Subsection 3-C). The reason I am breaching formal protocol/chain of command and sending this directly to you is that I want you to know how appalled I am of the current state of the Imperial Navy.

As a veteran of the clone wars (Fett batch 46), I was installed automatically into Imperial Service on Day 1 of the New Galactic Calender. I was proud of the New Order and eager to do my part. In the many years that have passed however, I have become witness to acts of Genocide and other atrocities that reminded me of the failures of the Seperatist Movement (proir to the New Order). Yesterdays date I was ordered by my superior officer to transfer funds from the Alderaanian Survivors Charity, to the Imperial Tax Accessors office on Tangor-6. Tearfully (I have friends that retired on Alderaan), I entered the commands as ordered, but that will be my last job as a member of this Navy.

Please Lord Vader, do what you can to return our Glorious Empire to the early days of freedom and celebration.

Your faithfull servant,
Colonel R.H. Rivers (Fett batch 46)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Duncan Ozzel said...

YOU BASTARD!

How DARE you kill our son. He has always been faithful to the Empire and always served you well...

Ok.. There was that incident in the Dining hall..

and the whole "misunderstanding" on Tatoee that caused some bad PR on the local Troops show..

and the incident about the midgets that we really don't want to go into right now...

Ok.. so he deserved to die. He was adopted anyway.

So... basically... all I'm trying to say is... Thanks for the Midget Porn.

Duncan Ozzel
Head of House Ozzel.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Darth,

You have been APPROVED for a $2,500 unsecured credit line from the Financial Services Division of the Empire based on the information we have on file regardless of past credit. Your Approved credit line of $2,500 for credit purchases and cash advances will be available once you receive your CashPlus Card. In order to receive your CashPlus Card, please contact us with blueprints of the second DEATH STAR and your postal address and we will send your Card via express courier services. You can even select from our range of card colors: Regal Red, Trooper White, or Asthmatics Anonymous Black.

Take a moment to check out the range of Card features:
* Introductory 0% fixed interest rate for up to 12 months, or until detonation of the DEATH STAR
* Post introductory offer variable rate, currently 38.35%
* Rewards for purchases made at the Cloud City Shopping Mall, Bespin.
* No Annual Fee

Call our company NOW to activate your CashPlus Card account and hand over the details of the second DEATH STAR.

Planet Code: 11149782019
Area Code: 205131612118
Communicator: 8151225-7181912

Our operators are waiting for you call!

28.4.05  
Blogger Darth Sidious said...

Anonymous:

DIE!
I handle the finances...

Don't try to pushyour smut here!
DIE!

28.4.05  
Blogger Drew Price said...

You have to read: Things not to Say to Darth Vader at the Imperial Water Cooler. :)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Mr. Vader.

I'm a Bothan looking for gainful employment at any of your installations that begin or end with the word "Star". I've always had a facination with _____Stars and Star_____ names, and I was currious if you wouldn't mind checking out my resume for Department of Records. Bothans, as you well know, are known for their fierce loyalty. I was recently entrusted with the position of Don't Tell Anyone Document Handler at a local Hut trading post, and I'm looking forward to working with you on keeping other "highly sensitive" documents safe.

Also, in a pinch, I can be killed with many of my brothers to cover up a massive inteligence failure.

Thanks you for your time, please send all requests for further information to not-a-rebel-spy@not-rebel-headquarters.com

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Vader,

Speaking for the Midgets Rights Group of America (MRGA), I would like to inform you the term midget is quite offensive. We prefer to be called Little People.

Sincerely,
Johann Smith

28.4.05  
Anonymous R2-D2 said...

How did you feel, seeing C-3PO again after all these years.

Do you think he is looking well, with his new golden skin.

Note: he is still a pain in the arse.

28.4.05  
Blogger zoogies said...

IMBECILE! Traitor to the Empire, spy of the rebels, I am the most looming and terrifying Lord Vader. Tremble in my footsteps and cower before my synthetic breath-sounds, fools...your TIME has come!

-Lord Vader

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there Darth - sorry about your mom and all... tough break.

Well at least she made the sand people happy for a few days.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Vader

Tomorrow is Friday, You haven't forgot about our little movie night have you??

Love, Vrat Dugon

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

~ciao~ ! D. Vader!

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.*72[we]====

Order YOUR EWOGRIA today, securely, privately, and safely, using your Imperial Credit Disc, or just insert your member into any convenient R2D2-series connection port for an instant upgrade charged directly to your Imperial Credit Account.


------------

NOTE: we never send galactic transmissions unsolicited. To unsubscribe, send a droid to our headquarters to make "whoop whoop" noises and shoot us with lasers. But note that if you do, we'll send those old arrest photos to the smoking Blaster of your unmasked bald head from that night you had a bit too much to drink and were picked up for publicly fellating a Wookie, and star systems will start slipping through your fingers.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm, Excuse me, Lord Vader, but since we have to extrapolate some stuff that happens here on earth to what happened in your far far away galaxy, wouldn't be christmas your birth day?

I mean, all the signs point to that, you were born without human interventiong, I mean, you mother might no have been a virgin, but certainly was pregnant without human help. And then you are a chosen one, and will bring balance to the force and stuff... maybe in 2000 of your years you will be remembered as a good person.

Well, happy xmas, Lord Vader.

28.4.05  
Blogger Dan Nugent said...

Lord Vader, Dan Nugent here with the Independent Holonet Broadcast System, now that there's are channels with which we can communicate with you directly would you be able to answer some questions our viewers have regarding Imperial policies?

Chief among the questions we recieve here are regarding the equality of sophont species and female humans within the ranks of the Imperial Navy and Government. How do you respond to allegations that the Empire is systematically oppressing women and races such as the Wookies of Kashykk and the Mon Calamari? Some viewers have posited that defections among non-human sophonts can be chiefly attributed to the working conditions present on those two worlds and ones like them along with a general atmosphere of inequality felt by many non-human species.

28.4.05  
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28.4.05  
Anonymous R2D2 said...

*bweeeep* *chonk* *bweeeepeee*

28.4.05  
Anonymous samia said...

Cheer up Darth. Life could be worse - you could have imposters running around dressed up as the Green Cross Code man...

Sincerely,

David Prowse.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Polar Bear said...

Lord Vader:
What up dude? I recently heard about your wonderous new hand. I was wondering if you could refer me of the supplier? I mean, you owe me one, man. I lost my arm while in your service trying to single-handedly detain your renagade son. I you would have done the same for me.

May the force be with you,

Teh Bear.


PS: Please send info to bear@rebelbase.net

29.4.05  
Blogger Dave said...

Oh Goodness, this is way too funny! *LOL*

3.5.05  
Anonymous Stormtropper #24457 said...

Darthy,

At last, you order us to do something of importance to you. And in the new heavy weather gear... I think it makes me look more dashing. I wonder if you did look at me for a fleeting moment today as I was preparing to load the cannons. I felt so proud and happy to be doing something, no matter how small, to make you happy Darthy..

I heard gossip from other troopers that you crushed the Admiral's trachea.. ohh.. what strength and domination! If only we could be together, you could pretend to crush my throat in ecstacy..

Your secret admirer,
Stormtropper #24457

5.5.05  
Blogger K said...

lord v, i worship thee

10.5.05  
Blogger HappySam said...

Help repel the Dark Side and check out Happy Sam
http://www.warwick.ac.uk/~poubae
Use the force for good, before we end up with Darth Samious

19.5.05  
Blogger xuanxuan_the_lion said...

Ani FEELs too much here...tt letter part was a bad move

31.5.05  
Blogger Leon said...

Lord Vader,

Ozzel was into midget porn? Just when you think you know your Imperial officers.

4.4.06  

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