Author Chester Burton Brown
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown


That's So Wizard!

The probe droids have detected an illegal settlement.

Mood: optimistastic!

There is a bit of bounce in my step today, notwithstanding the fact that all the diodes down the left side of my leg seem finally to be functioning smoothly. I ate a full breakfast in my hyperbaric chamber while listening to really loud music (Qui'hut Xillermott's Sonata No.26) and then popped out to tour the bridge.

Admiral Ozzel rushed up to me, that officious little face of his trembling to contain a vulgar jubilation. "Lord Vader, we've found something!"

I followed Ozzel into the pit to survey the screen myself. In the Ison Corridor, by a bright star called Anoat, there circled a smaller star called Bespin circled in turn by a fat and many mooned gas giant. According to the probe droid a ring of habitable air lay nestled in the layers of the giant, and this ring was littered with scattered unchartered settlements.

"Pirates, drifters, dunces," I declared shortly. "Who cares where they cling? I sense nothing here."

"My Lord," interjected Captain Piett quietly, appearing at my elbow. "Consider this." He pointed out a larger settlement whose energy signs suggested industrial levels of activity. "The rebels could be re-building their fleet, after their losses at Yavin," he said.

Admiral Ozzol nodded primly. "Quite right, Captain."

I put my hands on my belt and surveyed the unblinking stars outside the array of viewsports. I reached out with the Force, and there it was: a node of connection, ever so faint, ever so distant. I nodded to myself and turned back to the officers.

"We shall move on Bespin," I declared.

The bridge crew rushed to their consoles to do my bidding. The stars outside drew out into lines and were swallowed by the swirling etherspace of travel. Inside my masque, nobody could see me smiling.

I clutched my hands behind my back and meditated.


Blogger . Z . E . I . N . C . said...

Hey, Vader man,

Who fixed your leg? What happened? or do you think that your leg's function is tied to your mood swings? he he..


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,I have a few questions to ask you.

How do you go to the bathroom?Do you have a wear a diaper?Does it get hot in that suit?Who`s tougher,you or Robocop?

I ask this out of curiosity and meant no disrespect.Besides,I am sure you hear these questions a lot.

Anonymous Vail Mitlick said...

So, I've got this sweet deal. Load a droog eggs, take 'em to Alderaan. The day before I lift ship, I get the word: no more Alderaan. Half my cargo spoiled before I could find a new buyer. You know what a hold full a rotten droog eggs smells like?

Then, today, I'm hauling mucks to the rim and the whole flippin spaceway's closed for "military exercises". One of my buddies says there's a flippin fleet of destroyers cruising through there. Meantime, I'm losing a day on my contract.

Look, I know you guys gotta keep the spaceways clear a pirates and terrorists and stuff, but can we take it a little easy here? It's no flippin wonder half the indies are running spice or death sticks. It's getting so a guy can't turn an honest cred any more.

And now one of the mucks is going into labor. It's almost enought to make a guy want to sell out to Imperial Freight. Almost.

Anonymous Ac-91 said...

What's up Vader? Want to hang for lunch sometime? I'll bring a slave you can kill...

Blogger Repair Droid #2 said...

Master Vader,

Your leg has been fully repaired.
Sorry for the late arrival.
Have this fruit basket as a apology.

With fear,

Repair Droid #2

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear zeinc,

I believe the repair of my leg has been detailed. I had it repaired by the same droid that replaced the audiophonic system in my hyperbaric chamber.

Thank you for your concern.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear anonymous,

My wastes are dealt with by parts of my cyborg apparatus; in overview, material accumulates in a resevoir which is emptied when I visit my hyperbaric meditation chamber. In cases of emergency it can be evacuated manually, though I find the procedure unpleasant.

No, it is not hot in my suit. Robocop would not stand a chance against a single swing of my red blade.


D. Vader

Anonymous Office of Darth Vader said...

Dear Vail Mitlick,

Thank you for your letter.

We appreciate the hardship you have endured in the name of ending this destructive conflict.

Rest assured that your issue, and flag burning, are matters of the overlord's deepest concern, and of the highest priority.

Please sign the attached petition supporting flag burning legislation. Thank you.

Mona Pencilridge


Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear ac-91,

I would take no pleasure is killing your slave for you. Besideswhich, aren't you an air conditioning unit?


D. Vader

Anonymous Phule said...

I saw your site the other day on G4's Attack of the Show. It's a great read, I enjoy this insight into one who is a "master of evil".

On a site note, are there plans for blogs for other notable members of the Star Wars universe?

Anonymous J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Yo Lord Vader,

Are you in anyway related to Lord Voldemort? Or perhaps the Dark Lord Sauron? Or maybe Lord Byron? Or John McCain?

I was just wondering, thanks Dawg.

J. Alfred

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Mr. Prufrock,



D. Vader

Anonymous anne said...

Tell me you haven't been thinking about it,too: my legs around your waist, one hand on your cold metallic cheek, while the fingertips of the other trace the contours of your exposed brain.

You've seen my picture. Tell me my eyes don't remind you of hers.

Or you know what else would be cool? Drop me (another) line and tell me you'll do an interview for my site.

You handsome devil, you.

Anonymous Vail Mitlick said...

Dear Mona,

Hey, if I sign this petition, will you guys let me through to make my delivery?

Oh, and mother and mucklet are just fine. He's a male, all black. He's kinda cute looking up at me with those four big eyes. I named him in Lord Vader's honor. Now I just gotta clean up the mess.

And by the way, tell Lord Vader last time I was in Bespin dropping off droid parts, Neenah at the Cloud Cafe has a really cute smile and likes mirror rose. And there's a two-for-one happy hour at the Spacer Bar, but get there early if you want a seat.

Blogger don said...

Lord Vader,

Do not destory me over this but you seem to have a spacing problem. EX: when you talked to ac-91 you said,"Besideswhich." Which should have been "besides which" I am not saying you are flawed (oh perfect sir) but just watch out for that.

Your Humble Follower,

Blogger Dan said...


You better be careful to not let Palpatine see this blog! I heard companies have been firing employees becasue of their blogs!

You're not-so-humble servant,

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Dan,

The Emperor's eyesight is piss-poor, truth be known. He could not read this blog if it was projected on the side of a moon.

Thank you for your concern, however.


D. Vader

Anonymous Toijaguares of Lipitas said...

Hey Dude-

I'd like to know who would win in a fight: you, or Harry Potter?

Peace out,

Toijaguar of Lipitor

Anonymous Anonymous said...

fucking hilarious.

Anonymous Anonymous said...



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vader,

I am writing to you for help with my problem. My wife has custody of our seven children. They were awarded to her when she divorced me for desertion.

My mother has been confined to a mental institution of insanity since I was three years old.

I have two brothers. One works for my company and the other is now awaiting electrocution for murder.

My two sisters are prostitutes and my father is in the rackets selling narcotics.

Recently I met a girl who has been released from prison where she served time for smothering illegitimate child. I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this, should I tell her about my brother who works for my company?

Very truly yours,


Anonymous FieryShade said...

Vader, If you're having problems with the diodes in your left leg, why don't you ask Marvin from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy to swap diodes? Unless of course, he's having the same problem. Or maybe you could scrounge the parts from the "blasted out shell" that was once General Greivous. Ah well, being mechanical ain't no fun. Unless, of course you're a sith and get to look freaken cool.


Anonymous Lord Dax said...


There is a new sherrif in the galaxy and his name is Lord Dax. You shall be crushed by my might..all will do my bidding...In your face Vader..IN YOUR FACE!!!

Anonymous Protocol Droid 3d4w said...

Lord Vader, I find Captain Piett's lack of faith... disturbing.

Anonymous Mr. Dax Greystar said...

Mr. Dax Greystar
Level 85,
1036 XE,

Good day Lord Vader,

I am contacting you because of a business concerning a huge sum of money
from a deceased deposit in the Security and Finance company where I work
here on Coruscant. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude
will make even one strong with the Force apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that
all will be well at the end of the day. I actually decided to contact
you due to the urgency of this transaction.


I discovered an abandoned deposit in my company owned by one of our
foreign customers who died along with his entire family as a result of
a planetary destruction. He actually deposited this funds amounting to
IM$12,000,000.00 (Twelve million Imperial credits), for safe
keeping in my company here on Coruscant. Imperial file records shows that
the funds was actually for a project our late costumer wanted to start
in the near future (a multi million Credit droid plant on Metalorn),
before his sudden and untimely death. As such since his death none of
his relations or next-of-kin has come forward to lay claims for this
property as the heir, this is the basically the reason why I have
contacted you. My company cannot release the property unless someone
applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our
operating guidelines.

Upon this discovery, I now seek your permission to have you stand as a
next of kin to the deceased as all documentations will be carefully
worked out by me for the funds to be released in your favour as the
beneficiary's next of kin. It may interest you to know that I have
secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of deceased
beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance
of our mutual business endeavour by furnishing me with the following;

1. Beneficiary full name and system
2. Direct holo and ship numbers
3. Occupation and title
4. Force alignment and Date of birth
5. Marital status
6. Gender/sex

These requirements will enable me file letter of claim to the
appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favour before
you can personally appear for the claim. I shall be compensating you
with 30% of the total credits while 10% will be for any expenses incurred
the rest will be mine on final conclusion of this project. Please note
that your share stays while the rest shall before me for investment

If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of
the trust I have bestowed in you, I await your urgent mail. Please reply
to my private and confidential holoweb: daxgreystar@coruscant.ep3

Best Regards,
Mr. Dax Greystar

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It must have really hurt that poor shmuck when you crushed his neck like an egg. Do you do that alot?

Anonymous Asuyuka Meya Kimeno, lowly female peasant said...

For a tyranical overlord, you sure are funny...

So, we wont see any more lop sided turning jigs?


Well, I hope you have taken no offense, m'lord...

And, I wish you well with Han and Luke....

--sincerely, Asuyuka

Anonymous Frynge said...

We of the mad scientists union are all behind you! after all, you dark siders know the importance of some prime research! go gettem!

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Toijaguares of Lipitas,

I would win, no question.

Harry Potter's exceptional powers against Lord Voldemort arise from the highly specific nature of the bond that connects the two. Since I do not share that bond, my abilities are not mitigated by those of Potter.

That is the overview. In specific, I would use the Force to knock Voldemort's wand from his hand. Thus saved of the jibbering distraction of impotent incantations, I would roundly slice Voldemort in two with my red sabre.

To be sure the job was done and to avoid any further badly adapted sequels, I would use the Force to bring Voldemort's remains down to absolute zero. I would then step on each bit, in turn, until it crumbled into a fine dust. I would then have this dust vaccuumed by a cleaning droid, and then have the cleaning droid incinerated in a blast furnace.

I would then have the blast furnace thrown into the sun.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear FieryShade,

Thank you for your concern. I think I have the problem licked now, though.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Dax,

You cannot fool me -- you're just a slug. I will step on you.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Asuyuka Meya Kimeno,

Thank you for your concern.

Also, let me assure you that the bloody Totoro Massacre last year was indeed strictly necessary to defend the interests of the Empire.

We appreciate the understanding of people like yourself, and your fellow peasants living close to the land who might be sensitive to such things.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Frynge,

I appreciate your support. How is that Ultimate Doom's Day Weapon project coming along?


D. Vader

Blogger JMZ said...


Don't you think that posting our inner most secert plans on the intarweb will give the rebels an advantage?!?!?

Praise the Empire.

Respectfully Yours,

Major Assholio

Anonymous Raj Najak said...

Yes my friend I will bomb your country!

Anonymous Chewbacca said...

Rawrrowlrlroawl! GrlalowlROWLRWLROWLrrrrowlll! RrrrlowlnlrowlnrowlrRAOR? RAORrowlRAOWNLRrowlgROWL!!! RrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAnlr!


Anonymous Anne said...

My goodness. You were up early this Sunday morning.

My proposal is this: you e-mail me; I'll e-mail you back a list of questions. Answer the ones you like, ignore the ones you don't. Send it back, and I'll post the interview on my site.

It is not my intention to skewer the Empire's foreign policy; that's been done to death. I'd like to focus on other issues, like stem cell research, and the Empire's plan to cut the cost of health care.

It's probably best that you e-mail me from my site. I expect you'll use a disposable e-mail address, but even so, you don't want falling into rebel hands.

Anonymous Jabba the Hut said...

Dear Vader.

I am very fond of your internet-diary, especially because I am a big fan of the empire yes. The reason I leave my writings here though, is that I have been searching for Han Solo for a long time now, and I thought that maybe you knew where he is. We have some things to catch up on. I bid you to let me know if you find out about Han's location, is he is still alive, and if your troops arrest him, I would appreciate if you'd bring him to me. I am having a hard time typing on this so called keyboard, mainly because if its small size, so it wont be any further.

your friend and ally,
Jabba the Hut.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes the universe feels small, master. I read your blog, only to find out that I know your older work at K5 under the pseudonym cheeseburgerbrown as well. Perhaps there's something to this interconnected "force" thing after all.

Anonymous Admiral Redshirt said...

My Lord Vader.

I wish to appolidige for my outburst to you earlier. I know that you are working hard and I'm sorry for getting upse$&ugh9ff


Blogger don said...

Lord Vader,

I would like to become a follower of the force, are there any starting points you could recommend to me?

Just questioning,
Donald of Earth

Blogger noel said...

watch out for your ingrate son of yours luke. word has it he doesn't take kindly to deadbeat dads.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Vader, or should I say loser, get outside and realize star wars is a fictional story made up by another loser like yourself.

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Don,

The Emperor and I have a kind of non-competition claus thing going, so while you are free to attempt to learn the ways of the Force, understand that if you succeed I will have to impale your liver on my burning scimitar.


D. Vader

Anonymous Heartbroken in Hoth said...

Dear Vader, I've been in a long distance relationship with a Twi'lek I met on a business trip to Nar Shaddaa. Chemistry wise everything is great, but we're complete opposites in terms of relationship experience. She's clearly been her share of relationships before, and I've never really dated anyone and I feel self conscious about it. What should I do???

Anonymous Misha said...

Dear Mr. Vader,
Like, oh my God. Don't you ever get bored of hearing people praise you? I think you should be ashamed of yourself. And I think all the people out there who think that all the Star Wars chicks are ugly are jerks. Like, get a life, Vader. You need to attened a woman's sensitivity training camp or something- release your inner girl! (I know of your secret shoe collection, by the way)Go out there and get some women into the Imperial Navy! Oh, and Harry Potter is so cute, he'd beat you in a beauty contest for sure. Before I close, I would like to answer some questions that you might have about me. 1 No- I am not a women's rights freak. 2 No, I am not psycho, I just can't put down all my ideas in order. 3 NO!!! I am NOT ugly. Actually, I'm pretty (nudge nudge, wink wink).
Thank you for your time.

Anonymous Stormtropper #24457 said...


You don't mind if I call you that.. that is what I would call you if we were together, in private... no other troopers.. no Generals.. just you and me on a shuttle together.. alone..

I saw you for 5 seconds today as you walked from the bridge. You looked happy.. I could tell by your posture.. that made me so happy. If only I could take my helmet off and shout with a loud voice how much I adore you..

Your secret admirer,
Stormtropper #24457

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just re-watched episode 1 last night. This blog grows more and more awesome. Kitster??? Kitster?!!!? Incedible, man. That's so wizard!

Anonymous Anonymous said...



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