Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050426

Bedtime Story


I would like to tell you a little story. This goes out to all those bleeding heart hippies out there who sympathize with the rebellion.

Once there was a star called Trime around which circled three habitable worlds. In the founding days of the Old Republic the Trimean worlds had enjoyed great prosperity as centres of learning and artistic innovation, but they fell into ruin over a centuries-long battle concerning where the Royal House of Trime should summer.

When the Prince of Yor moved the House to sit on Trime Secondae after being disgusted by the perceived commercial excesses of Trime Primae, Trime Tertiae launched a trade war against both worlds accusing them of a cultural conspiracy to rob them of their own rightful dignity in the system, and sought to forcibly move the royals in the name of defending the shared Trimean heritage. The journalists had a field day, and were subsequently disappeared in the night by secret police. Things went from bad to worse.

The Royal House itself was fractured, with one faction of nobles pitted against another in bloody Moebius-strips of double-dipped connivance. They broke ancient treaties by putting the primitives to work in mines, stoking the fires of their war engines. There were revolts, strikes, slaughters.

A long line of Old Republic ambassadors followed by an equally long line of Imperial negotiators had treated with the Trimean Councils, but any solution was ultimately stymied by a question of dividing that which was indivisible: the seat of the Crown on Calendar Day.

So my master sent me to the Trime System. This is going back a ways now, maybe fourteen years. At any rate, I listened to the councillors on each world, and met with the sheriffs of the guerilla armies. I even spoke briefly with the chief of a clan of warrior primitives -- little pink things with googly eyes and prehensile tails.

What crystallized the situation for me was something the Duke of Foulbash said, bringing his brown fist down on the table: "Lord Vader, what is at stake here is a millennium of tradition! That is the heart of this matter."

The Duke was right. I told him so. Then I assassinated the entire royal family, down to the last forgotten bastard.

And do you know what? The Trime System is a leading commercial concern in the sector today. They grieved but they got over it. Once liberated from the yoke of an insoluble, deeply emotional dilemma the people of the Trimean worlds were free to build new bonds, to establish vibrant new institutions, and to create new traditions.

Question: do you want a moment of agony, or an entire history of ache?

That is the spirit that underlies the New Order. Understand this, and live in peace.


49 Comments:

Blogger Christoff said...

Best. Blog. Ever.

26.4.05  
Blogger _steve said...

"Assassinated."

26.4.05  
Anonymous Beavis said...

Huh-huh heh h'huh-huh.

"Ass."

H'huh-huh.

26.4.05  
Anonymous HK-47 said...

Exited Affirmation: That just gets my circuits going! Dispatched an entire royal blood line! I can feel my motivators running as smoothly as new.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a bunch of dorks here.

star wars sucks. i lived with a star wars obsessive compulsive for two years. the best thing i did was dump his hairy ass.

star wars sucks and so do you.

26.4.05  
Anonymous luna said...

Lord Vador, you are so...deep.

26.4.05  
Anonymous C3PO said...

Oh dear, assasinations. I do wonder at times if human cyborg relations is considered an important part of the new order.

Oh, Lord Vader, very sorry to bother you again but have you seen that R2 unit I refered to before?

26.4.05  
Blogger Ah 9 said...

didnt know u do commercials for handphones on the sly...hehe

http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/1659

26.4.05  
Anonymous Rogi Tempest said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

You're my hero. I want to grow up and be just like you, defending the Galaxy from the evil Rebellion! Your bed time stories are the bestest!

I've been trying to join the Empire for the longest time, but they keep telling me I don't meet the height requirement, and I have to be 18 Galactic Standard years old! What can I do to be accepted by the Empire?

Yours truly,

Rogi Tempest

PS: Can... Can I have your thumbprint?

26.4.05  
Anonymous Ben said...

Lord Vader, make sure you get that Anastasia girl. They always come back to bite you in the ass later.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Rogi,

Bribery.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

26.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Ben,

Thanks for the tip. I will also watch out for Hellboy.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

26.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you for showing "light" :) the other side to reason behind the dark side.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Advertising Division 6 said...

Congrajulations Lord Vader!
You have been selected, should you choose, to take part in the next speed stick deoderent comercial! We're launching this new million credit campagn to spread our message of under-arm cleaness across the galaxy. There would be minimal datapad work and we're sure that a celebrity such as yourself wouldn't mind this great photo opertunity, and we may even be able to add in a pro-imperial message!
Speed stick deoderent, make your choice the finest in the galaxy!

26.4.05  
Blogger Maria Elisa said...

if you're going to call someone a dork, or any other name for that matter at least sign-in as yourself anonymous.

did star wars have to many big words for you?

26.4.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

No kidding, there's nothing more pathetic than an anonymous flamer. What a puss.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"to many big words for you" or perhaps "too many big words for you"

26.4.05  
Anonymous anne said...

Lord Vader,

I've received several hundred e-mails wondering when I'm going to post your interview. I know it's only been, oh, 36 hours, and I don't wish to imply that you are lollygagging around the hyperbaric chamber, but I thought you might want to know.

In the meantime, kids, I've posted an interview with a friend of mine who did the 3D graphics and animation on the just-released fan film "Star Wars: Revelations". Chew on that for a while you wait for the man in black.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Singular Quartet said...

Darth, I fully understand your reasoning, and I can even rationalize it down to a single sentence:

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

I like your style, and I like how you get things done. Keep up the most excellent work.

26.4.05  
Anonymous t'kie said...

Surak + Darth Vader = major headache...

This clearly requires further meditation.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Capt. Koehrst said...

Lord Vader:

May I ask what kind of engine upgrades the Executor received on its last trip to Coruscant? My stardestroyer, the Striker, seems to be slower than the rest of the fleet. Is there some sort of fleet-wide upgrade going on or is the Striker being put out to pasture? I was going to ask the Emperor himself, but, you know, the lightning thing.


Captain Koehrst
Imperial Stardestroyer Striker

26.4.05  
Anonymous Kit Fisto said...

If this is really Lord Vader, what is your midichlorian count?

26.4.05  
Blogger Maria Elisa said...

oops. I spelled something incorrectly. Uptight much?

26.4.05  
Anonymous don Jaime del Resfriado said...

Bespin this, Hoth that, blah blah blah. I'm more interested in your part during the terrorist strike against the late, lamented Death Star. Why did you, a senior member of staff for the whole Empire, leave the relative safety of the battlestation to hot rod around in a fighter? How did you manage to survive the battle and the explosion of the station in one of our notorious tinfoil fighters? As the Death Star's sole survivor, why weren't you picked up by the Rebels and held for torture and ransom, or simply shot out of the sky?

I'm sure we're all interested in learning how you escaped the end of the Death Star. There's never been an official explanation for your survival, and I'm sure His Majesty must have had some hard questions for his Number 2 about what happened to the Empire's fun new toy. Do the rest of us not deserve answers?

It does not bode well that your greatest success thus far in the search for the Rebel base is a member of Tavares moonlighting as a propane salesman. Good luck on Planet Shave Ice, not.

26.4.05  
Anonymous Slade Ripfire said...

Hey dude,

I remember when you used to write long-winded stuff like this for the Jedi Temple newsletter. Guess you haven't changed much.

Hey - remember that one time when you pantsed Windu during Force Push class? That was pretty classic.

Hey did you ever nail that Padme chick? She was pretty hot.

Well, anyway, look me up if you're ever in the Kadish system. Have a bitchin' summer.

Later bro,

Slade

26.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One wonders if the anonymous poster hates Star Wars so much why is s/he reading and posting on a S.W based blog?

This is just the kind of bleeding heart "This person sucks so you must ALL suck" ignorance which one finds in lesser mortals who obviously aren't one with their diodes (or the darkside for that matter)

Sakura ShinRa C.E.O ~ Excellence in the field of Evil Corporate Empires since 1863

26.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ingenious. There are deep political innuendos here. One could say Trime is akin to Iraq, no?

~New reader, Joe

26.4.05  
Blogger J. Francis Lehman said...

This blog is a hoot. Good work.

"...a member of Tavares moonlighting as a propane salesman. Good luck on Planet Shave Ice, not." LOL; now that's funny.

And the Anonymous hater is the dork. Or maybe that's dork snorkler? Sorry your taste in guys sucks, sweetie; not everyone who enjoys Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings and so forth is an obsessed, life-deficient thimbledick. Some of us just have IQs above room temperature and need something more thoughtful than the latest Harlequin Romance for diversion.

27.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Singular Quartet,

Quite right. And always remember that the ends justify the means.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

27.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Capt. Koehrst,

My computers tell me that your ship has run out of small, strawberry-scented moist towelettes.

Course and speed are being automatically adjusted to ensure the most efficient rendez-vous with the robotic supply freighter en route to you now, which will provide you with a fresh shipment of small, strawberry-scented moist towelettes.

In the meantime your crew will be kept in stasis. Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

27.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Kit Fisto,

You know as well as I that "midichlorians" are just a cover-up story to keep people from learning too much about the true nature of the Force.

If you are really the real Kit Fisto: where on your body are you genitals located? Eh, smart guy?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

27.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Don Jaime,

What you do not understand is the affect the light side of the Force has on my forces -- they are reduced to idiots with poor aim. Therefore, since the rebel strategy at Yavin balanced on the use of small-scale snub fighters, it was neccessary for me to fly among my men in order to use my own dark influence to keep them keen. In this way we could more effectively pick off the rebel ships, without the interference of the light-side's obfuscating glare.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

27.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Slade,

Did you ever manage to make anything of yourself? I cannot believe I somehow missed you when I slaughtered all the younglings at the Jedi Temple.

Man, that brings me back.

Good times.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone get this man to Jerusalem, stat.

27.4.05  
Blogger Senior said...

YOU ARE MY F-ING HERO

27.4.05  
Anonymous Slade Ripfire said...

Hey Ani,

Thanks for the holla-back bro.

Should I be calling you Vader now? (I can't believe the Emperor let you get away with that name. Guess he hasn't got much of a clue huh, dude? 'Anal Invader' how obvious is that?)

I'm working for my dad at his used speeder bike shop. Mainly sweeping up, so Force Cleanse comes in handy, surprisingly. Who knew? It sucks, but it's a paycheck. Am I right?

My old lady, her two kids and I are living in a double-wide spice container I've been converting. You should visit. We have a pretty good view of the moons when they set. It's not exactly the life I dreamed of, but hey I'm living vicariously through you, dawg.

Gotta split man, my pop wants me to wrench a few nuts off an impulse drive unit. Good thing I kept my saber, hydrospanners are a bitch.

Slade

27.4.05  
Anonymous BORG QUEEN said...

Dear Darthy,
In the mood for some Borg on (cy)Borg fun with me sometime? Luv to check out what's under the codpiece. Is that a lightsabre in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Assimilating various species can be a hectic career choice Darthy and sometimes I wish I had a nice,tall Dark Lord that I can curl up with at the end of the day,someone who is secure in their own status in life as a Lord of the Sith that won't be a hanger on just because I'm the Borg Queen,someone who will appreciate me for me and not just my nanoprobes. Trust me Darthy, we'd have alot of hot times together. My drones could probably fix that bum left leg of yours too.. So if your Sith Lord enough Darthy give me a call. I got a nice tight black exoskeletal teddy I'd luv to show off for you. So remember Darthy resistance is futile. If your a good Sith for me maybe I'll let you assimilate me on the first date.
Borg Queen

27.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hot damn, this blog entry does more to explain the Empire than all 5 (so far) of the movies.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice throwback to machiavelli.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

I had no idea you were such an excellent writer and had such a tortured soul. A puny fully-human writer named Frank Herbert in fact writes just like you, but you know this already.

It is an honor to be allowed to peer into your soul this way. Thank you.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Adolf said...

Ach! Ich verstehe mein Herr.

Heil.

28.4.05  
Anonymous William H. Gates III said...

Lord Vader, I am humbled by your wisdom. I feel we have much in common and I think it would be beneficial for both our organizations if we could share a few ideas or even consider a partnership. Would you be available for lunch next Monday?

-Bill

29.4.05  
Anonymous Oooooh said...

I don't know why people are so upset by the anonymous flamer.

I think it's very healthy to air your deep, painful, and very, very personal issues in public. Probably all part of the therapy. Offer your support!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Sith Lord Jesus said...

Your master has taught you well, Lord Vader. Your brand of diplomacy is harsh, true, but effective. I think I'll try applying this methodology in the Middle East. A few dozen Neutron Bombs librally applied will work wonders!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Sith Lord Jesus said...

That is. . .librally applied to *both* sides.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever read C.S.Lewis' "That Hideous Strength?" It has a lot of cool parallels to this story of yours...

1.5.05  
Blogger Patrick said...

I remember those dark days well. As a distant cousin (thrice removed) of the Earl of Vanhorwegee, and thus a member (albeit barely) of the Royal Family, I remember cowering in the dark of my room for some days after learning how the Dark Lord had efficiently lopped off the head of the Earl.

But the genius! The sheer genius of it all! It was a lesson I did not forget as I grew older.

Sincerely,

Prince Xizor

3.5.05  
Anonymous infinite Roses said...

Someone said: the ends justify the means...I say "the end IS the means...each second is an infinity of time," and we all know that. And each second added to all the other seconds, adds up to an infinity of eternities. Kaboom!!! Why not live and let live?

23.5.05  
Blogger Royn-Ber Wendjaifa said...

To be able to see the future with clarity, one must learn to look at the past with understanding.

20.9.11  

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