Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050425

There Goes The Neighbourhood


One of these days, one of these days, Ozzel: bang, pow! Straight to the moon.

A pall of incompetence muddies a qualified success.

The Super-StarDestroyer Executor emerged from hyperspace amid a volley of escaping ships: pirate junks and blockade runners swarming out of Bespin like rats from a sinking ship. "We've been detected!" exclaimed Admiral Ozzel thoughtfully.

I looked at him for a long, dark moment. But his attention remained fixed on the viewports.

"Pick them off," I told the commander at the targeting console. "Fire at will."

Bolts blazed across the face of the great pink gas giant, the fleeing jalopies shattering in a series of little flashes. Captain Piett arrived at my side and saluted. "M'lord, we have established communications with the settlement. They claim to be a mining colony. Our close range scans show technology consistent with that claim." He added, "They beg us not to attack."

I nodded slowly, lost in a trance. I closed my eyes and sought out the node in the net of the Force I had so faintly detected two days ago, and it was still there...down below, in the clouds of Bespin. There was significance there, there was meaning there, trembling just beneath the surface. I would seize it!

"Prepare my shuttle and an armed escort. I will see this mining colony for myself."

"But Lord Vader, what if it's a rebel trap?" bleated Admiral Ozzel, his moustache twitching.

"Leave that to me."

It was not a rebel trap. It was a mining colony. A non-unionized, untaxed mining colony catering to the underworld: Hutts and primitives, scoundrels and libertarians. The administrator of the facility was a quaking fool in expensive fabrics, introduced as Lando Calrissian.

I took one look at his satin shirt and disco hair and I knew he was a weak specimen, and would prove easy to bend to my will. He tried to smile while he bartered for his life, and I picked through his jellied mind at my leisure. His smile faltered. "Lord Vader, with all respect, what is it you want from us?"

"I don't know," I told him, rising from my chair. "But you will soon find out."

I have a feeling this man Calrissian has a role to play yet.

Back aboard Executor I retired to the bridge to meditate on the stars. And that is when the new signal came in from the probe droid network: a power generation system spotted on a world of ice, just one sector away.

The Force sang to me with such strength I feared I would lose my balance. Thankfully my left leg has continued to work smoothly despite recent difficulties and so I was able to maintain my composure.

For the moment Calrissian is forgotten: the fleet moves on Hoth!


47 Comments:

Blogger Nescafe said...

Are you meeting Lando? Say hello to him for me yeah

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Nescafe,

I have met with Calrissian, yes. I am at a loss to understand why I should mention your name, however.

Are you not a coffee?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Blogger Tanalee said...

Dude, I really like this but could you make your blog less like a novel, your lordly evilness? Blogs don't sound like:

He declared, " . . .

They're confessional and personal. You're Lord Vader, you of all people should know this! "I sense something false in your blog."

Super great idea though. Well executed too!

tanalee.blogspot.com

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tanalee,

Everybody's a critic.

Thanks for telling me what blogs are supposed to be.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Blogger Terz said...

Lovely.

Lord Vader, I salute you!

25.4.05  
Blogger Dan B said...

Vader, just choke tanalee. you know you want to. or freeze him in carbonite...

25.4.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

Ah, good morning my dear Vader...and how is my Big Evil today? Still killing with your very thoughts? Excellent. ;)

25.4.05  
Anonymous Pug said...

My Lord,

My RSS reader just showed a headline from the Nar Shadda Hourly Hysterics: "Imperial Fleet F---ed Up: Rebellion Lives Another Day."

As a loyal reader and servant of the Empire I would like to offer my condolences on this setback in your quest for peace.

Tonight I will light a glowrod in remembrance of our lost soldiers.

25.4.05  
Blogger Tao said...

Dear Lord Vader,

if you plan to visit Hoth, I strongly suggest long underwear, and upgrading the heating coils in your cybernetic prosthetics. I grew up in Canada, and let me tell you, it's no fun being forced to hole up in a disemboweled Tauntaun due to the cold.

thisistao.blogspot.com

25.4.05  
Anonymous Lord Dax said...

Do not go to the Hoth system. I am warning you. If you enter my system I will crush you. You are no match for Lord Dax!!!


p.s. the Emperor is a sissy he will die too...I have forseen it.

25.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear lord vader, what is your favorite movie?

25.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know vader, you havent changed abit. You where like this as a very young pa........IM still shocked by your driving force to be all powerful. You really could have been good if it wasent for your mothers passing................................

25.4.05  
Anonymous Albus Dumbledore said...

Good Afternoon Mr. Vader,

It has come to my attention that you are quite adept in your use of The Force and I am curious as to whether you would be interested in serving as the Distinguished Visiting Professor of Dark Arts at Hogwarts. The salary may not be as much as you make in your current position but I can assure you that the wonderful feeling of accomplishment that comes with educating the next generation of witches and wizards more than compensates for the opportunity cost of the position.

Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

25.4.05  
Anonymous Treefox said...

You know, I think your behaviour is just perpetuating vested patriarchy and the military-industrial complex. Think of how many children across the universe you could have given basic vaccines with the money spent on the Death Star - and to what effect? You went and got it all smashed up while on some masculinist adventure! I bet you used non-unionised labour and failed to maintain safe working environments. And do storm troopers get paternity leave? I bet not. And just look at Imperial military hiring practices - it's all white men! And carbonite freezing is not a humane way to treat prisoners. Just look at the environmental damage done to the environment of Alderaan! It's time the people of the galaxy stand up and fight the system. The Rebel Alliance is an equal opportunities employer who won't hate you just because you're a bipedal lobster. The Rebel Alliance will ensure that rural schools such as those on Tatooine are properly funded. X-Wings are low-emission vehicles, unlike those energy-guzzling Tie Fighters. Support the Rebel Alliance today!

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tao,

Thanks for the tip. As a point of fact, our new heavy weather outerwear is the bomb, and I feel quite snug.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Lord Dax,

Tell me: what is it like to be mounted by a Klingon?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Anonymous,

My favourite movie is "Quizlor, Quizlor." I know some people do not like subtitles, especially in immersive 3D holoprojection, but I have no problem reading and following the action.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Anonymous,

Do not talk about my mother.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous Trooper A-29 said...

Your Supreme Excelency Darth Vader,

Trooper A-29 reporting! While I and the rest of my unit are certain that you waste no time in your hunt for the rebels, I and the rest of my unit must ask you what may seem a frivolous question.
We are having trouble keeping the shine on our armor after bloody skirmishes (and certain victories!) with the rebel scum, may it be forever eradicated!
We have switched polishes several times, but nothing seem to repel the blood. We have tried adjusting the settings on our blasters lower, higher, nothing seems to be the solution. We have even tried using old tibanna gas cartridges in our weapons, yet that only throws the recipient into a state of extreme shock, thus rendering them useless.
Our question is this, how is it that you are able to keep your mechanical suit so clean? Can you recomend a polish that works? Or is it simply that you clean it more frequently? Please help us, as the garison commander refuses to give us more prisoners to experiment with.
Please do not exterminate us if you think we have overstepped our bounds by asking.

Trooper A-29!

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Albus,

You know, it's funny -- Captain Piett and I were just talking about that: settling into a nice teaching position once the rebellion has been crushed. Of course, I had been thinking of the Imperial Academy at the time, but I have heard good things about your school.

I will have my office transmit my curriculum vitae.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

P.S. Do you provide hyperbaric chambers for the benefit of any members of the staff whose lungs might have been burnt out by inhaling toxic volcanic fumes? My handlers get sore when I forget to ask up front. Thanks. D.V.

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Treefox,

You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!

Please remain at your present location: I have dispatched the secret police to come and assure your freedom.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Trooper A-29,

I have it on good authority that what you likely have on your hands is a shader malfunction.

Please contact the rendering engineers and report this armour artifacting issue to them as soon as possible.

In the meantime, carry on.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous fals salax said...

Lord Vader-

My name is Fals Salax. You may recognize the surname, my father was one Commander Salax who's trachea you crushed about 4 years ago when he ordered you low-fat mayonaise instead of regular on your turkey sandwich. I'm not writing to declare my vengeance or anything like that (it turns out Dad actually had an irreperable brain tumor that would have caused a very painful death 6 months later, so you saved us a lot of anguish and money). In fact, I'm writing to ask for a job. I've recently been cast in the Coruscant Theatre District's production of the new musical Oh, Dantooine! and must relocate to the planet in the next couple weeks to begin rehearsal. Given the high cost of living in the Capital, I was hoping to find some office work during the day to augment the paycheck I get from the theater. Dad always spoke of you kindly (I don't believe he meant anything by the low-fat mayonaise), so I was wondering if you had a position available for a personal or administrative assistant. I have extensive experience as a paralegal and office manager throughout the Galactic Core, and I am proficient in the most advanced holographic databasing software, as well as Microsoft Word, Powerpoint, and Excel. If you choose to hire me, I think you would find me a very ambitious and detailed worker, who can bring efficiency and drive to any dark overlord's busy office.

I hope to hear from you about this. I can send you a copy of my resume over e-mail if you provide me with an address.

Thank you,

Fals Salax
Actor, Singer, Dancer

25.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Fals,

I am afraid that kind of minutiae is not my responsibility, though I admit your name does sound familiar. Where you by any chance an understudy in The Phantom of the Menace?

Sincerely,

D. Vader

25.4.05  
Anonymous fals salax said...

Lord Vader-

I was! I was the understudy for the title role...by which I mean the Menace. Not the Phantom. And once I played Christine in a really ill-conceived burlesque dinner theater performance on Nar Shaddaa. But that's neither here nor there.

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I'll contact your office at another time. In the meantime, if anyone in your retinue would like complimentary tickets, feel free to contact me.

Thanks!

Fals Salax
Actor, Singer, Dancer, sometimes Contortionist

25.4.05  
Anonymous Mech-care said...

Lord Darth Vader
It has come to our attention that your bio-mechanical suit has not been updated in quite some time. As you are no doubt aware we are the most prominent provider for the bio-mechanically inclined. We would like to interest you in our latest line of "casual" bio-mech. suits. While your suit may seem to fit you now, what about ten years down the road when everyone has one and you're still wearing that old clunky suit? Even Dark tyrannical overlords need something casual to wear on the weekends.
We have already filled orders for Boba Fett, and our earliest customer was the late General Greivous. We will admit that Inspector Gadget was a failure, but we feel we have risen above past mistakes.
If you do not feel that you need a new Mech-suit, perhaps we can interest you in our extensive plastic surgery facilities?

Mech-care, serving the new generation of mechanized people.

25.4.05  
Anonymous barlow said...

So did you find out what kind of product Lando uses in his hair?

25.4.05  
Anonymous Phil Gordon said...

Lord Vader,

When it comes to villiany and general carnage, no one doubts your mighty power, Lord Vader! But what your fans, and probably even the rebel alliance, want to know is this: Can a Sith Lord crush his enemies on the green battlefield playing no-limit Texas Hold'em? That's why I'm happy to invite you to take a chair as a player on this season's Celebrity Poker Showdown!Tentatively, we have you scheduled to appear with Zaphod Beeblebrox, Buckaroo Bonzai, Counselor Deanna Troi, The Great Kazoo and Judy Tenuda.

Thanks,

Phil Gordon

P.S.: If you could include the name of the charity you'll be playing for with your response, it would be apprecaited.

25.4.05  
Anonymous hk-47 sla men said...

Do you have a pesky“meat bag” problem ?
Do you have a pesky rival ?
Do you have a problem with some one?

We have the answer a hk-47 droid!!!
He will squash, assassinate and out right hunt down and kill any one.


We at the galactic underworld market,
have shall we say came into a ancient HK-47 droid.
So we thought that a true Dark Lord would want,
a relic of the great dark masters before him,
rumored to have been own by the
Dark Lord Reven

We have representatives on Croissant, Koriban and a few of the other outer rim world

Sincerely your,
humble minion prais

25.4.05  
Blogger Nescafe said...

Lord Vader,

I am Nescafe, a coffee, like my father before me.

Anyway, talking about coffee... Tell me Lord Vader, how long has it been that you were banned from drinking coffee now that you're in that suit of yours?

If you're interested in having a nescafe with me, please sent a holo-message to me.

P/S: I have Padme clone with me!

25.4.05  
Anonymous Niccoló Machiavelli said...

Hey Big-D,

I'm curious what your thoughts are about the juxtaposition of the real and the fantastic in "Un hombre muy viejo con alas enormes" by Gabriel García Márquez. Do you see any symbolism in the treatment of the the old man by the people or is it merely a story told at face-value?

I thought I remembered someone telling me you were a Latin-American literature aficionado.

Fight the power,

Niccoló Machiavelli

25.4.05  
Anonymous HK-47 said...

Amused Comment: Do these mere meatbags really believe they can make an economy out of selling me and the not-so-efficient HK-50's?

Proud Statement: Not to worry, I have completed my assasination protocols in the most flawless manner, and as a result I am free again. With no master to serve.

Query: Would you be interested in the services of one such as I? I have heard some very pleasing news about your behaviour with other meatbags, regarding force crushing and other dark powers (not to be compared with my assasination protocols, obviously) and I will be happy to call you "master"

Statement: I could take out that scoundrel meatbag Solo much faster than that poor imitation of a Mandalorian.

Temporary Farewell: Do please inform me should you require my services, master.

Humble Request: Could you let me disintegrate a planet or two with that glorious toy of yours?

25.4.05  
Anonymous Protocol Droid X4D6 said...

Lord Vader,

As I have said before, with trembling voice synthesizer, I find Captain Piett's lack of faith disturbing.

Sir? Might I suggest a Force Choke on him - not too strong, just enough to let him know who is the Master and who is but the Learner.

25.4.05  
Blogger Dog face said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

26.4.05  
Blogger Dog face said...

Dear dark lord
On behalf of our salesman sal man,
We are forced to inform you that sal man was killed in transit to our out-post on Koriban.
His reports show that he came into a HK droid, the droid must not have been functioning correctly; because most of the time the HK 50’s operate correctly, though they have been known to have some memory problems. They are know to be quite adept at escape when captured . We of the GUM “Galactic Underworld Market” are sorry to say that was the only HK droid we have, and if you come in to some HK droids that you do not want we will buy them from you at top GUM price

Sincerely the Executive
officer of GUM
Prais

26.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Niccolo,

I am afraid you have been misinformed.

I am not a fan of any kind of literature. Obi-wan tried to make me read some of his books, but they were all boring and pointless.

I have supervised the burning of some literature. On this subject I will say that some plastics produce yellow clouds when they burn, while others produce black or grey. It was always a bit of a lottery, trying to guess when the pall would next tint copper.

Good times.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

26.4.05  
Anonymous Office of Darth Vader said...

Dear HK-47,

Your application has been received and will be processed. You will be contacted should an opening suiting your qualifications become available.

Thank you.

Darth's Vader Office
Imperial Palace
Coruscant 001

26.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear X4D6,

What are you always ragging on Captain Piett?

He's a good man, despite his strange habit of requiring a new cabin boy every few weeks.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

26.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Prais,

I do not handle military purchasing.

Talk to Morr'is down in Accounting City, Coruscant 415.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

26.4.05  
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26.4.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Squeaky gears on that Jawan landship? No problemo. Ewoks are chock full of natural lubricants. Used Ewoks. Cheap!
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28.4.05  
Anonymous EwoksUnlimited said...

please note used ewoks may be a little (or more than little) dried up.

Check for Fresh Ewoks. Prime quality, brand new, ISO-8859-1 compilant, a wide range of choices. Definitely worth the price! www.ewoksunlimited.biz. Accept no substitutes!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Errrm, this ain't following the story as it's been laid out in the movies, though perhaps it's not your intention to do so to begin with.

Anyhow, as far as I can recall, you owe your discovery of Bespin to the crafty tracking abilities of a certain Boba Fett, and should not know anything about it until *after* you've checked out Hoth and forced the Rebels to flee.

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah!!!

3.5.05  
Blogger Benji said...

Being an avid Vader fan and always checking the Corrisant Chronical daily for the latest news of the sith lord himself. Can i point out the history is only written by the victors and MR lucas has only written in his works parts of the journey made by the dark lord. On many occasions has he missed out great parts of the Skywalker/Vader story, sometimes missing out complete wars spanning may years, in favour of writing about his heroic rebels. I feel that by letting us know his daily thoughts we are able to stay connected with our glorious sith leaders.

Avid Sith follower
Corrisant Slums

P.S. Tonight they are reshowing "Quizlor, Quizlor" after the imperial news at 10.

6.5.05  
Anonymous Sir Lucav Maelineus said...

I truly find your thoughts most intriguing lord vader, you are admired by all since no emotional moment in your memoire has diluted your fearless and beautifully ruthless style(dont you hate incompetant suborinates?). Though circumstances have left you emotionally and physically scarred because of that damned and doomed obi-wan(He has a habit of severing sith lords limbs), you will soon and hopefully become the new emperor, with your son by your side you will ccast your former demented and cowardly emperor to his inevitable death and the galaxy will finally be molded to your whim.

21.12.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,
Do you know anything about General Grievous, when you were Anakin Skywalker?

15.5.07  

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