Author Chester Burton Brown
- PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG PROJECT HAS CONCLUDED. -
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050428

Calgon, Take Me Away


Darth Vader and the stinking, rotten, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Do you ever have one of those days where you find yourself asking, "Hey, I know I'm bad, but what did I do to deserve this?"

Have I mentioned before that I am surrounded by idiots? Let me cut to chase and just tell you up front: the rebels got away. All of them. General Veers, bless his heart, must have destroyed two dozen armed speeders and and an entire line of infantry -- but those were just ants. We failed to take Mothma, Organa, Rieekan, Skywalker or even the traiterous fish Ackbar.

You might be thinking some fruit would come of our ensnaring the Millennium Falcon as it fled Hoth. You would be a damned fool optimist. My elite squadron of StarDestroyers proved itself utterly incapable of a securing a single unescorted freighter travelling less than the speed of light.

I mean, come on.

I've seen drills that were more challenging. And yet, they escape. I have worked among these men this past generation and I have always known them to be, with only a few notable exceptions, truly outstanding military professionals. A galaxy quails before them because they are efficient, effective and keen.

...You try to be an effective manager, you weed out the bad apples like the late Admiral Ozzel -- only to find that an insidious culture of incompetence has somehow transformed your deadly pan-galactic armada into a fleet of spaceballs.

To demonstrate a more appropriate level of Imperial resolve I have commanded all wings to follow the freighter through Hoth's asteroid belt. We are sustaining massive losses due to asteroid impacts and subsequent complications, but I feel confident that this will serve as an important object lesson to the surviving staff.

Let the Force sort out who is to live and who is to die. I know my destiny does not lie here.


133 Comments:

Blogger Dog face said...

Dear Vader
I think you need to take a break.
So take you an all your men surviving fishing on Manaan

28.4.05  
Blogger Eric said...

I'm hoping to appease you, Lord Vader!

http://www.classicalvalues.com/archives/002280.html

28.4.05  
Anonymous I. R. S. said...

Mr. Vader
We at the Internal Revenue Service have had our eyes on you for quite some time. We have watched you crush people with a lack of mercy that would stun a cold fish, we have watched you destroy entire fleets on a whim, we have watched you pay less than acceptable taxes...
We in the I.R.S. firmly believe in intimidation, destructive whims, and the execution of lesser officers round the clock.
And so we have decided that you are more than qualified to accept a position in our administration. The job would be management, with several people under you whose tracheas you could crush. It would require almost no real work and frightening other people to give you their lifes' savings.
Like we said, you're over qualified, our one question is, will you take the job, or do we have to send some people over there to, "convince you"?

The Internal Revenue Service: we want your money!

28.4.05  
Anonymous Mikey said...

Lord Vader

Dude, you are in serious need of a vacation. Try Australia. I hear it's nice this time of the year.

28.4.05  
Blogger Drew Price said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

28.4.05  
Blogger Drew Price said...

You have to read: Things not to Say to Darth Vader at the Imperial Water Cooler. :)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Perfectly brilliant.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005191522,000.html

28.4.05  
Anonymous Luna said...

Someone needs a hug.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I have been dating steadily for two years now, and because we often spend time together, it becomes difficult for us to distinguish what is an actual date. Therefore, we don't have the typical dating scenario of the man paying for the woman. If anything, I am the one who pays for both of us to repay him for some sort of favor he has done for me.

My mother has given me grief over this, saying he should pay for some things out of respect for me and as a "repayment" for my company, but this could just be (and seems to me) because she is old-fashioned.

This brings me to my question. Should there be times when my boyfriend offers to pay for me, regardless of the situation, just to be "boyfriendish?" Should I ask him to pay? Should he automatically offer? What is proper?

Signed "Confused"

28.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Prais,

I will rest when this destructive conflict with the rebel terrorists is over, and no longer threatens the fragile peace the New Order has nurtured in this galaxy.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

28.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear IRS,

I understand that your offices are located in the distant Sol System, which I believe has been scheduled for demolition.

I'll see you in Hell.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

28.4.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Anonymous,

I suggest striking your boyfriend down. Unleash the power of your hatred.

Works for me.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

28.4.05  
Anonymous anne said...

My week-long flirtation with Darth Vader has climaxed in the form of an interview on my site. Come hear what the Lord of the Sith has to say about foreign policy, taxation, leather underwear, and his most embarassing moment ever.

www.annearkham.com/journal/2005/4/27/darth-vader-interview.html

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me first just say that this has to be the most entertaining, and insightful blog I have ever read. It confirms an opinion I have considered for a very long time---the Empire is not as "evil" as the Rebels would have you believe. It's nice to hear the other side of the story.

I also have a question:

How many people were working on the Death Star when it was destroyed?

That was a pretty critical design flaw (the whole "one shot kill" thing). Anyone get a trachea crushing over that?

28.4.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Lord Vader,

I've hooked you up with a whatsamajiggered RSS feed, made out of extra coat-hangars and a translated Atom feed. See the sidebar for links.

I'm not sure how well it will work. Please don't kill me much if it's kerfricked up. I don't know what I'm doing.

Subscribers direct your complaints to me, if you have any.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

28.4.05  
Anonymous Silent Bob said...

Vader,

Maybe what you need to do is get some bounty hunters to do your bidding. They are reliable and they know how to get the job done. Ohh, and try to relax more often..your all uptight.
Tell the emperor i said "what up yo"


Silent Bob

28.4.05  
Anonymous HK-47 said...

Statement: Ah yes, conflict, demolition, striking down, evil, destroyed, shot, crush, you really know how to get things done, master.

Query: Any word yet of a little position for me in your vast empire?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog is stupid. star wars was entertaining when i was 4, but it's miserable to see this herd of mentally deficient adults dance around these posts which are little more than advertisements for a shitty movie... blow this webpage out your ass.

28.4.05  
Blogger Matt Leo (grumpynerd at yahoo dot com) said...

this blog is stupid....

Dear Anonymous -- who is the bigger dork, the Dork or the one who whines in the Dork's blog?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not calling any of you dorks. I am calling you fucking idiots for frothing at the mouth at this advertising scheme. Seriously dude, star wars licks my ass. The first 3 (or excuse me 'the last 3', whatever the fuck) were OK, but the recent ones have been horrible. it all betrays the decadence of our filthy society when those resources and energies are put into mere 'entertainment' intsead of art, and indeed it turns out not even to entertain. enjoy the shitty movies. okay, now i'll say it: dork.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA a twofer. who's laughing now fat boy?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Big McLargeHuge said...

Ah, Calgon. How I wish Space Mutiny had a sequal. Indeed we need to see more of David and Lea....better known as "the big white thing" and "spider skank."

Calgon: "Got my dad's enforcer for the weekend!"

28.4.05  
Anonymous Dusitn said...

Unlike most people, anonymous up above me, fails to see the humor in a DV with daily managerial problems. I, on the other hand, find it to be perfectly hilarious.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweeeeetness.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Wampa said...

You think YOU had a bad day? Who expects food to whip out a lightsaber and slash you open? Arggghhhh........

28.4.05  
Blogger subnetrix said...

Dear Anon,

Give in to the dork side...I meant dark side. We will ease your pain and introduce your elementary school to the newest rave, LAN parties.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Vail Mitlick said...

I was hosing out the cargo hold yesterday, and I got to thinking about the insurrection. (You know, like they always call the rebellion thing on Troops . Man, what a great show!) And I got this great idea. You know how everyone's always hustling to get a buck? So if you pump up the economy, maybe these guys will just lay off. They'll be so busy with their shiny new landspeeders and personal habs that they'll forget all about making trouble.

So then I got to thinking about how you do that, and it hit me: stormtroopers. Maybe instead of cloning stormtropers, we ought to hire them. That'll pump a bunch of money into the economy, and we'll get this whole new age of prosperity and stuff. Eventually, it might even trickle down to guys like me, just like the emperor always says.

Anyway, gotta run: loading wetfruit for Tattoine. But what do you think?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Captain Needa said...

They got away.

My sincerest apologies, Lord Vader. I have put my best agents on the tail of the Falcon and I promise you that they will be found.

I will be arriving shortly by shuttle, rest assured I am in control of the situation.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand, Darth.
Have you every listened to the song Hot Shot City by one Mr. David Haselhoff.

You find it to be particulary good, I think.

28.4.05  
Blogger obiwan said...

On the internet, nobody knows if you're a ghost.

28.4.05  
Blogger emcd said...

Darth-

After extensive tests and retests I think I have some good and bad news, I'll give you the good news. I think Luke and Leia are not your kin. I know this from some super-galactic-DNA tests my lab has run. We captured both Luke and Leia's DNA from a towel left on hoth that it appears both of them used...eeew nasty!

Anyway, after extensive DNA analysis, we've found that you only share 2 ellies with Luke and Leia.

Whew. good news, now you can proably stop your hunting for them.

Alas, the bad news is, brace your force, you appear to be a close relative to the Wookie they travel with. I know it's hard to believe, but I ask you this. Have you ever had abnormal hair growth on your abdomin? Ever had a hankering for some Wookie chow? Sorry dear dark lord. you are part wookie.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats, you've been /.:ed. http://slashdot.org/articles/05/04/28/1818217.shtml?tid=101&tid=133

28.4.05  
Anonymous Minn Starkiller said...

Dear Lord Vador,

I am 16 years old and am being pushed by my parents to join the Imperial Navy when I graduate from school, and I have to admit, the holograms I've seen for it sound pretty exciting! I'm not sure that the danger is for me, though, with my heart condition and poor compatability with prosthetics. The Navy recruiter at Windu Towers High told me that if I pass my exams, I could get job specialty PFC-1038 (Imperial Lab Technician) like my cousin, and they'd never deploy me off of Coruscant. Is this true? I want to serve the empire, but I don't want to end up on a Star Destroyer out on the rim somewhere.

My humblest preemptive thanks for your reply,

- Minn

28.4.05  
Anonymous Watto's Garage said...

Dear Mr/Mrs D. Vaders,

Our records show that your Modified TIE Advanced is due for its 500,000,000 maintenance check up. You may feel free to bring it in to any Watto's Garage, conveniently located througout the Outer Rim, or any of our affiliate stations near Kessel. Check Holonet for a location near you.

It is a pleasure to serve you, D. Vaders and we look forward to seeing you.

Sincerely,

Dongle Meekan
Marketing Director

28.4.05  
Blogger Cincinnatus said...

As President of Imperial Defense Industries, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate our stockholders for their foresight in investing in our company. Profits have never been higher.

We look forward to equipping the stalwart defenders of the Empire with the best that Imperial money can buy.

With the destruction of the first death star and subsequent replacement order our revenue stream is assured for years to come.

I would also like to thank our board of directors. His Highness Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader have leant their invaluable experience towards cutting our bottom line.

In closing I ask that all our stockholders show their support for our Imperial Troops in this War on Terror.

Sincerely,

Cincinnatus
President
IDI Incorporated

28.4.05  
Anonymous billg said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I admire your wisdom in refusing the lame position offered by the IRS. We are prepared to offer you a much more lucrative position in our Digital Rights Management group. You will be required to interact closely with the RIAA, the MPAA, and other alphabet groups. We will also make SteveB available as your personal assistant/bitch.

Thanks for your time,
BG

28.4.05  
Blogger chris said...

Lord Vader.

Care for some tea?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous Pilot said...

Dear Vader,
I felt it best to leave this comment for a day or two after the storming on Hoth.

... I'll cut to the chase, but Executor's left turn signal was on during the battle.

Yours faithfully,
-Anonymous Pilot

28.4.05  
Anonymous Pure Discount Real Viagro said...

Wow! Great blog! Love everything you have to say, first rate work!

Now you too can experience the pure joys of real Viagro! No more need for using the "mind-trick" on your conquests with this real Viagro! Even a body that is part machine can benefit from pure, 100% real Viagro! Got a special someone tied up in a metal bikini that you'd love to give some of your "Force"? Pure 100% Viagro is all you need! Guaranteed the best!

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader --

I have often wondered -- why do you choke people to death when you could simply use the force grip to pull a man's heart right out of his chest? Or simply crush it like a rotten tomato while it's still inside? The facial expressions are most amusing.

I would recommend your first experiments on the previous poster you suggested you "blow this web page out your [deleted]. Perhaps, with the proper use of Force, you could instead blow his entire digestive tract out HIS/her [deleted].

In Darkness.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo DV!

I was wondering what would win in a battle, the Enterprise 1701-E or a star destroyer?

28.4.05  
Blogger ManWhore said...

Hey DV, I was wondering about something with you being a cyborg and all. Are your "naughty bits" mechanical or organic? It looks like there's a little hatch there that suddenly flies open and a surprise pops out. And just what specie(s) can you "get busy" with?
ManWhore

28.4.05  
Blogger Venessa said...

This is the funniest blog I've ever been to. Can I link to you Lord Vader?

28.4.05  
Blogger Ricordarsi said...

Vader, it's me, Zaphood Beblebroks. Hey man, like, wow you have a great blog, stylie so. Wow, sorry everything looked pretty grim there until the very end where you re-united with your old self! Groovy man, groovy.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Han Solo said...

Nyah nyah! :)~

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dad,

Ha Ha.

Luke

28.4.05  
Anonymous phoric said...

How many assholes do we have on this ship anyway?!?

28.4.05  
Anonymous TK 421 said...

I am at my post! I have a bruise on my head for some reason, but I'm here.

I need to talk to HR about our on the job injuries. Can I get my helmet upgraded to yours?

Sincerely,
TK 421

28.4.05  
Blogger Squatting Jedi said...

Lord Vader,

I have a favor to ask. I noticed on the message boards that we are planning an attack on the Rebals near Abregado-Rae on next week during American Idol. My TiVo is on the fritz and I won't be able to tape it so I was wondering if we could postpone the attack for a day?

Thanks in advance for understanding!

Hugs and Kisses

28.4.05  
Anonymous A. Vogon said...

I regret to inform you that this Death Star has been scheduled for demolition to allow for the construction of a new Interstellar Bypass. The plans have been on file and available for public commint in the Coruscant City Hall for the requisite time.

Please prepare for demolition, and have a nice day.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello deaKtr deaGCth sTtgar oCwner,

We hav5e bzWee2pn notified that yo`ur mortX0g^0age raOte is fitxed aYCt a v9ver0Ny hipgh inte_rest rBat)e. TheGrefore y!ou are currently overpayin(g, whic3gh s@uOms-ukp tM8o thWkousand_s olrf im3peCMriaHl c8rZWed(it)s anqnually .

Luwdckily for yo+u we can g>uara_nmztee the loawest ratbAes in thfDe galaxy (3.38%). So huSrry bencabuxyse the rate foreca|st i2Xs not looking good!

The3Sre iSs no obligation, aoOnd i_t's FREE

Lock on the 3.38%, eV3ven with bad crebditK!

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uhhh, Darth, I hope there's no bad feelings between us. Forgive and forget, right buddy?
Your friend,
Sebulba

28.4.05  
Anonymous Admrial Piett said...

My Lord. I know we are still in persuit of the Falcon, but I am recieving a message from Coruscant. His greatness Emperor Palpatine wishes to speak with you. Shall I move the Executor out of the asteroid field for transmission My Lord?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A most impressive list of accomplishments "Lord Vader", and we at Intel can surely sympathize with your complaints of ineptitude by your rank and file employees.

I believe this is where Intel can teach you a few things about weeding out the chaff. We've implemented the 'ranking and rating' process by which we give people a chance to beat up on each other in their frenetic climb to the top of the dogpile.

Surely you can see the efficiencies of our system. We are simultaneously entertained by the infighting and merciless means by which workers will take credit for others successes, dispatching with wanton abandon in their fledgling uses of the force. Keep in mind that we have at times implemented 5-15% mandatory firings to weed out incompetence.

You can see that we save the winnowed list of pile climbers and backstabbers for upper management in smaller numbers. Donald Trump's "Apprentice" show gives us a small flavor of the intensity of competition.

Failures amongst this much smaller number of upper level managers means we can bring a much higher level of Force upon them. Mere finger pinching of windpipes is dramatic and effective as a continued deterrant against incompetence, but we have learned (at the hands of lawyers) that there are much more painful ways to promote pain....the removal of stock options and even longer hours of work in an effort to satisfy impossible conditions on Corrective Action Plans.

Yes, Mr. Vader, we have a few things in common. And we'd like you to join our team - with a bigger, badder Death Star. However, we like your emporer's plans and ask that you "acquire" them for us. Our lawyers will beat back anything the Emporer may throw at us in your defection.

As a condition of employment, we now screen for drugs, up-to and including midichlorians. While we are able to look the other way on some issues, I'm afraid we have to put these restrictions on our underlings. We can't have anybody with overly ambitious goals taking over. People with such goals should perhaps turn to state or federal government work, where back stabbing has been raised to an even higher art. The downside there is that they accept higher levels of incompetence that we're simply unwilling to tolerate.

Think it over "Lord Vader". We await your answer.

Signed,
Sith Lord Supreme, Intel Corp.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't think 'cause you're some dark lord of the sith you can ignore me, uhh uhhh. You were all smooth and deep voiced there on the dance floor and yeah, I went back to your place after only one drink, but I was intrigued, but once you pulled out that technological terror you call your "sithhood" that was the end of that, but you kept waving your hand "the phallus is not at all scary" and I didn't have any choice but to agree, but now I've got these sores, and the droid at the clinic says they're contagious bitch!

You better lay off the hanky panky with your light saber there until you get some treatment.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Darth,

The band was wondering if we could have our instruments back. We'll be quiet this time, honest!

yours

Droopy McCool

28.4.05  
Anonymous FettDude said...

Oh, come on!
You think YOU had a bad day? You didn't have to float around pretending to be garbage for six hours. Which normally isn't so bad, but some punk stole my stereo while I was parked on Nar Shaddaa, and the real kicker is my nose has been itching for two hours and the damn helmet won't come off.

Come back when you have REAL trouble

Fett

P.S. I repainted my armour green to match my eyes. Like it?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like someone has a case of the mondays

28.4.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Feeling low, dispirited? Ewoks exude a soothing, natural vapours that induce feelings of harmony. Fill a tub with them. Used Ewoks...Cheap!

1 888 ----bingorage

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Vader,

I am writing to you from the small planet called "Nigeria". I represent the Nigeria Department of Internal Externals. Because of a rebate on some extra land skimmers that we bought, I have a check for ten thousand and five dollars. If you give me your account number at Evil Bank, I will send you the check, and you send me the five dollars and keep the rest.

Okonkwo Obasunje

P.S. I noticed a small droop in your big, red, light saber when you were fighting Obewan. I have some small blue pills that can cure that.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation said...

Dear Dark Lord Vader,

It has come to our attention that a large portion of 'droids in your starfleet have been put into maintnance at your 'droid repair depot on Geonosis for program maintnance.

I would like to take this opportunity to proffer our newest 'droid personality upgrade: GPP 2.1.3123! At a cost of only 2,000,000 credits, this system can improve the performance and personality of any droid so upgraded! Many corporations have already taken advantage of GPP 2.1.3123, and the results have been astounding! Just take this amazing customer account:
"You know, this droid [with the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation GPP 2.1.3123] really knows where its towel is."
-Rinko Frostfax, Small Yellow Umbrella Coorporation.

This is a one time offer, so act fast!

Babber Lucas Glittle,
Marketing Advisor, Class 7B
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation

Costs are based on a per-unit basis, and licencing fees do apply. Call our nearest outlet on Viltvodel VI for any questions at ext 231.

28.4.05  
Blogger Justin said...

You should go see "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy," Anakin. A comedy about space will ease your pain.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WARNING: EPISODE 7 SPOILER BELOW

Darth Vader,

Hello, my name is Indigo Kenobi. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

Regards,

Indigo Kenobi

28.4.05  
Anonymous Mark Finn said...

Nice title.... Coincidentally the subtitle of "Mondays are for nerfherders," a southpark / cutout style movie a buddy of mine did:

http://www.andylangager.net/shortfilms.shtml

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uhm... Greetings from earth. We're having trouble with your cousin Darth McBride. Yeah, I know, escaped again... Anyway, we'd be much obliged if you could swing by and pick him up.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Stormtroopers said...

Were clones ? What the fuck?

28.4.05  
Anonymous JJB said...

Meesa doan like you much. Meesa theenk usea just a lackey for Lucasfilm! Meesa not gonna go see no more movies from him. Hesa make up stoopid cartoonies for kidses!

Hey! Where meesa legs disappear too?

28.4.05  
Blogger Luke said...

I'm tired of running from StormTroopers that can't even shoot straight. I'm done. Finished. Let's settle this once and for all! The rebels are stationed in Bellingham, WA, in a bunker on Sehome Hill. Let's see you try to pull something funny on us! So now you know where we are. And we could care less where you are. Come out and fight like a man!

-Luke Skywalker

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait wait wait, 'darth vadar', how are you blogging in the year 2005? Afterall, we were able to watch your stories which took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Answers!

28.4.05  
Blogger Dog face said...

on behalf of
Imperial accounting


who ever posted the leet speak spam. know from now on that die-teck is the only one the empire lets do home loans.
truly


'Death comes to all"
--- Prais

28.4.05  
Blogger Ken said...

my lord, there seems to be a recall on you respitory system. A leaky valve they say, indicated by a repetitive loud hissing from the main gasket.

28.4.05  
Anonymous frennzy said...

Hi Darth, long time reader, first time poster.

I hope you don't mind, but I have a couple of questions I was hoping you could help me with.

The first question:

As an aspiring evil-executive, I tend to follow your examples...this got me to wondering. How do you make sure you stay ahead of all the other sith-lords and sith-lord wannabes? I've heard good things about these Evil-Executive Coaching Retreats they put on in the Bahamas. Do you attend these, or anything similar? Do you find it to be a value-add back in your work-a-day existence, crushing tracheas and hunting down rebel forces? I'm torn...I like the idea of the mentor/protege process, but I fear I'd be stuck with an inferior coach...know what I mean? Then it would all be just a big waste of time and money, and I would have to usurp him in a particularly bloody way, just to prove his incompetence didn't rub off on me.

Any advice?

Question Two:

I have woodpeckers that won't quite pecking holes in the side of my house. I suspecy they are evil woodpeckers, but would still like to crush their tracheas anyway. However, federal laws prohibit killing them...as they are protected under the Migratory Bird Protection act.

What should I do?

thanks a zillion,

Vice-Darth Frennzy

28.4.05  
Anonymous 20X6 said...

Are you inquiring about a CHALLENGE??

You are tall, but...

That wont stop me from...
PUNCHA-PUNCHA-PUNCHA!!

Another victory for Stinkoman

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weird, weird wierd.

Obsessive compulsive?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Master, when you're done with the rebels, would you be so nice as to redirect the armed forces of the Empire against the spammers, scammers and the like?
Please.

A generic faithful citizen of the Empire.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Vad,

Remember when we went to that bar in mos eisley? You got so wasted that you had puke spraying out your grill? Fun times, fun times.

Call me.

Lando

28.4.05  
Blogger The She-Creature said...

Awesome eBay seller! Friendly emails, light-speed shipping, helmet is just as described!!! A+++

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vader,

Do you have any advice on how to break it to my girl that I have "the gift that keeps on giving" if you know what I mean. Thanks, bro.

Ron Mexico

28.4.05  
Anonymous Vern Slayer said...

Dear Darth,

Were you born a Vader, or did you, like me, change your moniker to show your support for your favorite death metal band?

Your friend,
Vern Slayer

28.4.05  
Blogger darth sidious said...

Lord Vader, perhaps it is time for your biannual Imperial employee review. I demand you to make contact with me.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Darth Vader,
You need to go to another galaxy and find a "George W. Bush". He is great at finding and killing terrorists, he knows how to make stupid polices and decisions that pay off. Everyone hates him for it.

from,
your secret admirer

28.4.05  
Anonymous Master Yoda said...

Moan and Piss much you do. Getting any you think I am?

Yoda

28.4.05  
Anonymous Galactic Savings & Loan said...

Mr Vader.

I represent the collections department of Galactic Savings & Loan and am obliged to inform you that there is a discrepancy in your repayments on Account No. AX35257299 (Re. Custom TIE Advanced leatherUphol/AC/DVDPlay/alloys/sunroof c.o. CorusCustomcraft Inc.) . According to our records the last payment of 500 Credits is 60 days overdue. Please contact our offices on Bespin (555-BESPINLOAN) to resolve this issue or we will be forced to pursue legal action.

Please don't kill me or destroy the mining colony,

Ghym Odrr (Mr.)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Darth Vader,
You need to go to another galaxy and find a "George W. Bush". He is great at finding and killing terrorists, he knows how to make stupid polices and decisions that pay off. Everyone hates him for it.

from,
your secret admirer

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I am the president of a small planet located in the afore-mentioned "Sol" system (well...Im not technically "president" of the whole world but I like to think of myself that way).

Anyways, I need some serious lessons from you in crushing Trachea's with my mind. For example, the other day this disgustingly bearded fat-man released a movie about me and I spent nearly three hours attempting to break his neck using the power of the The Force. Long story short, I soiled myself vigorously and was unable to make any headway. I've heard it helps if you think about baseball. Is that true?

-George Bush

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Darth vader,

I have a couple questions for you.

I understand you have some serious health problems, but I am curious if you are still able to have sex? and if so, how often and how good is it?

Thanks,

Yogurt

28.4.05  
Blogger Cooper, Smith, and Jones said...

To the individual known as Darth Vader (aka Anakin Skywalker, aka Ani, aka Padwan Skywalker)

Our firm has been contacted due to your non-payment of several items (i.e Lightsabers) purchased under an alias on credit in the state of Nevada. Mr. Vader, credit fraud is no joke, and unless you are willing to pay for the lightsabers we will be forced to take legal action. Under the name "Anakin" you claim the devices were lost and/or damaged. This is not an excuse for non-payment, and not the fault of the manufacturer. You must still pay for the devices.

This will be your only warning.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by Judith Viorst, Ray Cruz (Illustrator) "I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning..."

28.4.05  
Blogger Tyler D. said...

Vacation time is in order.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Rei said...

Anonymous:

Funny you should mention Bush. You see, Vader and Bush go way back. :)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vader:

YOU'RE FIRED!

love,

The Donald

P.S. Tell Palpatine I said 'Hi!'

28.4.05  
Blogger Kev said...

Dark Lord of the Sith,
I tag you.
The Emperor commands you complete the bog as posted here.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

I am Mr. Tonye Green, the chief accountant with Hutt Trust Bank . I have a transaction which I think will be of mutual benefit to both of us. In my desire for a foreign partner with whom to do this transaction, I stumbled on your contact from a business directory.

As the head of accounts department of HTB, I discovered some amount of money while I was auditing accounts that have been lying there for 6 years.

On further inquiry, I discovered that this money totaling about IC $17Million (Seventeen Million Imperial Credits) including accumulated interest belonged to one Mr. Boba Fett, a bounty hunter who lived here and died intestate with no beneficiary. I have successfully secured the credits and with the assistance of my colleague, the credits have been packaged as rebel battle station plans ready for shipment.

I would need your particulars to enable me prepare documents which will authenticate that the consignment belongs to you and to enable you claim the credits. I want to be assured of a safe account where the credits will be deposited pending my arrival. This transaction is absolutely risk free with no legal complications, I have made all necessary arrangements for a successful transaction.

I must let you know that a high degree of trust is required.

You can reach me on this E-mail:tamugreen@yahoo.com,for further clarifications.

Expecting your timely response
Yours Faithfully

Mr.TONYE GREEN.

28.4.05  
Blogger Daniel said...

dear mr. vader,

i'd like to extend a cordial invitation to you for a night out on the town filled with booze, women and prozac.
i hope this letter finds you well and equally evil.

all my love,
d-pro™

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear StrongBad,

How can you type with those boxing gloves on?

Sincerely,

HomeStar Wunnah

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Midichlorians are changing the climate that made life on earth possible and the results are disastrous - extreme weather events, such as droughts and floods, disruption of water supplies, melting Polar regions, rising sea levels, loss of coral reefs and much more. Scientists and governments worldwide agree on the latest and starkest evidence of midichlorian-induced climate change, its impacts and the predictions of what is to come.

Learn more and act now. Contact your senator and congressperson and ask them to support legislation to eliminate midichlorians. Learn more at www.epa.gov

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sie geehrter Herr Vader,

like you, I formerly embraced the dark side. It served me well, and I it. I know how it goes: first you're sneaking a smoke behind the pod-racer shed, then out of boredom you start suffocating tunnel-hoppers through the sheer force of will. Before you know it, light-saber practice bores you and you have to commission a special battlecraft so you can destroy a few star systems just to relax enough to sleep at night! I know how it is.

But think about your priorities! Those things cost the combined output of several star systems just to build, and if you have to take over the whole imperial senate just to get the power to make one, gosh, is it really worth it? Those headaches just get worse and worse, don't they? Yeah, I know exactly how it is.

But the answer is simple: chose a life of vegetarianism and practice yoga. That cool black pod you use to put on your helmet is the perfect place! Just learn to relax, and let the tranquility of the universe flow through you and restore balance. Close your eyes, and let your own personal mantra guide you. Pick a simple one that fits your personality. Some use "OM", the secret word of the universe. May I suggest that a similar word, "crush", might suit your fancy.

Did you think that the sacred way might already be in your veins? I know you did -- why else would you now bear the name "Vader", a clear cognate with "Vedic???"

As the serenity fills you, you will gain strength and confidence, as you locate that "special place" (but bring a towel 'coz you'll want to wipe up!). And you might find a way to transcend your shyness and stop wearing that forbidding helmet. Yes, I know your secret shyness you big softie!

These changes won't happen overnight. You'll find the more you relax, the more the Force will try to bring you back. First it will be a longing, an emptyness, that I know you will try to fill with doughnuts and ho-hos. It's all right -- I've been there too. And then the Dark Side of the Force will begin it's nagging, tugging, whining stage, calling you at all hours of the night, first sobbing on the com-beam, then making silent prank calls or even ordering you anchovy pizzas at 3AM! Yeah, I know how it is, but be STRONG, big guy. It's OK if you destroy the odd star system along the way.

But if you truly become a yogi, you will find that this urge to destroy will fall from you, and the emptyness that held you back will fall from you as well. For it is your OWN lack of faith that you found....disturbing, and those souls you snuffed were just to make up for your own feelings of inadequacy. Hey, that's a normal reaction, and it could happen to anyone with a small tool who has embraced the Dark Side!

When you attain enlightenment, it will all become so simple. No longer will you wish to destroy, when you realize that you can turn the entire imperial senate while still munching on a carrot stick! Your breakfast tofu under-done? No need to crush the windpipe of the oaf who grilled it. His life is as valuable as that of the most humble cockroach -- so remove his spine, and that of all his ortho-clan's too. Eventually you'll learn to see that the Führer, err, Emperor, really is hidebound by that old religion that should have died out with those silly Jedis. Smite him absent-mindedly and align the entire universe to your will.

Worked for me.

28.4.05  
Anonymous peter said...

i want to see you naked

28.4.05  
Blogger frithembleer said...

bomb diggity blog, yo.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader
I have a question: Your unofficial bio says you can force-throw your lightsaber, why not do that instead of choking people? It seems inefficient to me

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vader,

I want to ask you if you have any advice for me. I currently live in my parents basement. I have never kissed a girl in me life. I am 40 years old. I am willing to trade my full size repclia of an X-wing made of elbow noodles as payment for any advice. My parents say I need to get a job.

Please advise

Sad

28.4.05  
Anonymous crazywhiteboi234 said...

You Need a Hug or maybe some Viagra.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Stormy said...

Awwwwww!!

28.4.05  
Anonymous Ivan Drago said...

I must break you...

28.4.05  
Blogger Dinorider d'Andoandor said...

hahaha! this blog is really cool and the comments are fucking hilarious! how about spending vacations in Peru? u have many fans around here.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Bob B. Bobson said...

I've always been a great fan of your work. I'd love to be present at your next world-obliteration. Nothing like watching a true master at work.

28.4.05  
Anonymous President Skroob said...

Dear Lord Vader,

In your recent posting, you say, "...an insidious culture of incompetence has somehow transformed your deadly pan-galactic armada into a fleet of spaceballs."

This is to inform you that the government of Planet Spaceball is filing suit against you in Galactic Civil Court for copyright infringement. You may wish to refer the matter to legal counsel.

However, we are prepared to accept a settlement, in the form of 100,000 cases of fresh air from Planet Druidia, to be delivered to the Presidential Mansion-ball on Planet Spaceball within fourteen of your Standard Time-Parts. We trust this will present no problem to you.

Oh, and, when you get here, come in by the door. Don't use that "beaming" thing; Snotty's been working on it all week, and, quite frankly, I don't think the guy's got a full package under the kilt, if you know what I mean.

Yours sincerely,
Skroob
President, Planet Spaceball
"Putting the 'FUN' back in 'misappropriation of funds'!"

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vader,

You need not accept those flimsy jobs at the IRS nor Digital Rights Managment. We at Wal*Mart has the perfect position for you. As you reign down upon the unsightly beings that mull around in the stores you get bonuses like using the company's STREACH TIE FIGHTER. You are over qualified as we have seen some of your impressive work. Please get back to us as soon as possible by stopping in any of our 2 million galactic locations.

-Leanardo (Wal*Mart staffing department)

28.4.05  
Anonymous Dan said...

You know it's bad when the viagra-pimps have already found and defiled the Dark Lords blog. What is the Empire coming to?

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Death sticks delivered discreetly to your space cruiser!

Dear Friend,

For a limited time only I am offering you an order of high quality death sticks at 1/10 the normal cost of IC 100 each. These are the genuine fare imported by only the finest smugglers.

28.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have qualified for the lowest rate in Standard years...

You could get over IC380,000 for as little as IC500 a Standard month!

Boun(ty hunter, smuggler, Imperial trooper? Doesn't matter, low rates are fixed no matter what!

To get a free, no obli,gation consultation click below:

igtp://www.galactic-scammers.corp/signup.aspx

Best Regards,

Doole Wadagh

28.4.05  
Anonymous R2-D2 said...

be-beep blurp doot dirkle beep

28.4.05  
Anonymous TK-1138 said...

To: The Office of His Excellency Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith

From: The Desk of Imperial Trooper, TK-1138 Battling 501st Stormtrooper Garrison 'Vader's Fist', Mos Eisley Detatchment, Tattooine

Lord Vader,
It has come to my attention that your infantry squads suffered heavy losses on Hoth, And I am hereby requesting Reassignment from the Tattooine detail, to the Infantry detatchments of the Executor. My reason being that I served with Solo as a cadet in the Imperial Academy, and was expelled as a scapegoat. I have waited many years to see the traitorus nerf-herder get his come-uppance.

Sincerely,

TK-1138

28.4.05  
Blogger Nar Shaddar Research Centre said...

NAR SHADDAR RESEARCH - SPECIAL OFFER

***STOP THE INTERGALACTIC PRESS!!!***

URGENT REPORT!

SPECIAL OFFER 1 TIME ONLY!!!

AMAZING ADVANCES IN CYBERENTICS HAVE ARRIVED!!!

Dear Sir/Madam/Sith Lord,

I am a research scientist on Nar Shaddar, working in the private sector on NEW and GROUNDBREAKING technologies.

Your GalacticMail address was chosen at random using ADVANCED techniques from two spiral galaxies - you're very lucky! Amazingly lucky! Maybe - maybe it's not luck. Maybe it's... THE FORCE.

My groundbreaking, powerful new technology can be used to ENHANCE YOUR force-performance, so that the exhilarating rush of FORCE power lasts LONGER.

"ForceNhancer™" can be shipped to you NOW by one of our hypercouriers, for the onetime low, low price of 99,999 credits.

Also, this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME offer.

28.4.05  
Blogger Mike Seay said...

I never knew you were such a good writer Sith boy. You should get published.

28.4.05  
Anonymous 1obi said...

To whom it may concern,

Time for your annual force check up!! You don't want to be crushing the wrong throats now, do you? Please respond quickly to make an appointment at one of our three offices in the galaxy. May the rebels die.

28.4.05  
Blogger B2 said...

I would think Darth Vader could spell "traitorous."

28.4.05  
Anonymous DopeyRopi said...

Dear Lord Vader,

It is good to see that your pen is even mightier than your sword! Considering the leg, my comrades and I fully understand. After a long day standing guard to The Emporororor we have to be relieved using wheelbarrows.

Yours,
Cpt. DopeyRopi, Imperial Guard

28.4.05  
Anonymous michaelooi said...

Vader,
You copied your armor and helmet design from the Japanese samurai, do ya ?

Coz they looked awfully similar to each other. Minus the intercom device of course ...

28.4.05  
Anonymous M Windu said...

Vader, Vader, Vader... DARTH Vader! Tsk! Or should I call you Anakin? This is your old pal Mace Windu. You know, I always thought you would bring balance to the Force, but I never thought you would go completly fucking ape shit! Shit, man, I now see the error in my ways, and should have booted your scrawny desert boy ass to the streets when I had the chance. Look at you now, man. I know what this is all about. First you pop a saber in my ass, and then you start with this all high and mighty DARTH Vader shit. Maybe you want to be DARK Vader? It's so obvious with the way you dress. Now your the biggest BLACKEST mother fucker in the galaxy and nobody can touch you. Well I have something to say to you mother fucker.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

See you on the Dark side, Vader. You, me, Saber y Saber. Mine will be the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it.

MW

29.4.05  
Blogger Matt A said...

Vader, Mace, chill guys...

Come and read some relaxing film reviews, oogle some photos of film star babes and generally let the force flow through you over at DARKMATTERS

29.4.05  
Anonymous Montgomery Burns said...

Welcome to my world. I look over my vast empire and all I can say is:

Look at all those idiots
Ooh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons
A factory full of fools

--Monty

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vader...

Hate you, hate the Empire, taking back the Galaxy.

Mon Mothma, Garm Bel Iblis, and the Rebel Alliance.

BTW Sorry about the Death Star... NOT!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth Vader and the stinking, rotten, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

holy crap! I can't believe the sith lord himself has read Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" too! I thought it was just me and my parents when I was a child!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THE REBEL ALLIANCE WANTS YOU!

Want a great adventure?

Want to help others?

Want to have more fun in one day than the Sith Lords have in their entire miserable lives?

Then join the Rebellion! We're looking for good men, women, Wookies, droids, and other sundry aliens (no Hutts or Gungans, please).

Expertise in the following areas: weapons, diplomacy, basic engineering, Jedi philosophy, human/droid relations.

Apply in person at our super secret base on Hoth! Hurry--because we may have to move on pretty soon!

29.4.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

darth was that you heavy breathing on my voicemail again?

30.4.05  
Blogger joker71 said...

Spaceballs was so out of charecter that I want to projectile vomit on this bolg!

2.5.05  
Blogger Spllchkr said...

"We failed to take Mothma, Organa, Rieekan, Skywalker or even the traiterous fish Ackbar."

You misspelled 'traitorous'.

7.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude you just corrected Vader...
hope you had a good life

9.5.05  
Blogger Michael Z. Williamson said...

VibrADER--

Know what your problem is?

You're a left-wing leaning liberal wuss.

That's the problem.

Just like Atilla. First he got soft, then he was history.

11.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hail Eris! Anonymous said...

Wait wait wait, 'darth vadar', how are you blogging in the year 2005? Afterall, we were able to watch your stories which took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Oh, that's *easy*. The entire story of all six movies wasn't really Lucas' creation, or any ghost writer's, but instead fell through a time-space warp from 100 millennia or so after your time...This blog is merely an additional time-space anachronism (from, I estimate, 50-75K years downtime), or something. I dunno. My temporal physics may be a tad rusty.

The Doctor (NOT the hologram)

15.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hermit Sage, here, Out on the Rim, in the Mining Belt. On the few occasions when I get topside from the mineshafts, I've been seeing little blips of light that might fortell some kind of activity over your way in the Galaxy.

One looked like a Dwarf Class star going Nova, which we all know ain't possible!

Now, if it is another Civil War among the Colony Planets, and somebody is destroying rogue planets, just do us all a favor and keep it confined to your sector!

We don't come bothering you, and hope that you will do the same for us! We have enough problems dealing with those ore scavengers, Freaters, the pirates you call the Trade Federation, and, the IRS scouts!

Now, I've also written to the Editors of 'Colonial Times', and, I am trying to contact Jedi Central, so all the possible folk have been advised to stay away!

21.8.05  

Post a Comment

<< Home