Scar Friends Luncheon Circle
Lunch with Fett. Piett's new boy.
The noose tightens.
Boba Fett is one of the few people with whom I will share a meal. He was horribly disfigured by acid years ago, and I feel we hold a bond in common in that respect. He has never so much as winced at the ghastly noises that come through my ventilator while I chew, because he is a gentleman.
He is also a bounty hunter, which is why I have invited him over to chat.
"They won't leave this sector," he assured me as he sprinkled hot sauce on his vegetables. "That freighter can't be jacked out of a prang this time -- Captain Solo will limp someplace safe to lick his wounds."
"And you know where that will be?" I asked, drawing in some meat through a straw.
Fett gave me a level look. "That's my hard yakka, Lord Vader."
"The contract is yours. You know the other bounty hunters will find nothing."
He nodded slowly, returning his attention to the meal. "They'll swim for Bespin, my Lord, to have a smoko with a gas-cocky called Calrissian. He and Solo go back yonks."
Calrissian! I knew the Force did not orbit him for no reason. To Fett I said, "Excellent, Boba. You will be rewarded handsomely. By the way, your scars are looking quite good."
"I've been using a new cream," he told me.
I did my famous corpse of Mace Windu imitation, which made Fett snort wine through his nose. "This party's over," I quipped, and Fett howled. Long ago Windu was First Speaker of the Jedi High Council, a fierce warrior who slew Boba's father and tried to kill my master. In vain, of course. These days the Emperor uses Windu's purple light-sabre to trim his hedges.
We understand one another, Fett and I, and so we share a certain mutual regard. When all of the bounty hunters are assembled on the bridge we pretend no special relation. Should Boba Fett gain a reputation as a man of the Empire he would lose the trust of the Hutts.
Captain Needa of the StarDestroyer Avenger found and then lost the Millennium Falcon again. The good captain subsequently lost consciousness. Whether or not he finds it again is not my concern. The bounty hunters have been dispatched, and the fleet moves on to Anoat to await Fett's signal.
Also, Admiral Piett seems to have a new boy. I don't know what happened to the old one, but I am fairly certain I did not kill him. At any rate I came upon the two of them in the pit this morning and Piett seemed somewhat sheepish. "This is my new yeoman, m'Lord," he said too brightly. "Yeoman Broderick, Lord Vader."
"M'lord," whispered Broderick.
"Getting younger all the time, aren't they?" I asked Piett.
He smiled tightly. "Sir," he said.
Posted by Darth Vader at 05:12
: Kindle Novella
82 Comments:
Lord Vader,
I work for a newspaper and came across your blog.
Your writing is of very high quality and very entertaining to read.
I look forward to your future postings.
Keep up the excellent work, m' Lord.
- A Sith supporter
Lord Vader,
It has come to our attention, that you have destroyed yet another of of asteroid claims in the Hoth asteroid belt. This would not be so bad, but you also previously destroyed all of our claims on the planet Alderran, and in fact, much of the planet itself. Coupled with the loss of our free state rooms aboard the death star, that were offered as compensation, we feel that we can allow this any longer. We will be seeing you in court on the fifth of december on Coroscont.
Galactic Real Estate, We will rule the galaxy!
Dear Galactic Real Estate,
Have you ever heard of the Chewbacca Defense?
You are about to get an education from the Head of Johnnie Cochrane. Rusty has some paperwork for you to sign in the back.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Lord Vader,
This Fett of whom you speak: Did he do his basic training in some desolate and frigid Empire Air Training school in Edmonton, or do you choose simply to mock the simple antipodeans?
This is the gayest blog ever. If you are going to mock Darth Vader, at least make it funny. South Park funny, not Nancy Reagan funny. You suck and should consider taking your own life. This stuff is gayer than that time you took your underage boyfriend to the J Lo movie and nut bursted his asshole. So, make it funny or fuck you, kill yourself NOW!
Concerned Reader.
Dear Anonymous,
I've been stung to the quick -- oh noes!
Sincerely,
D. Vader
http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/28484799/1215421
I knew it wasn't unfounded.
Dear Lord of the Sith,
I find alot of your answers, mostly killing people to fix your problems, delightful and amusing.
Are there any methods of killing that you use, and can share that don't involve the use of the force, or a lightsaber. I have tried the crushed trachea thing and I just cant seem to get it down.
And if all of them do involve the use of the force, and a lightsaber; would you consider taking me under your wing to teach me the ways of the sith? Or if you could just teach me to crush tracheas like you do, that would be great as well.
Your Hopeful Apprentice,
Jutck Lutre
Get a life loser!
Anonymous,
Who is the biggest loser: the loser with the blog, or the loser who comments on the blog?
Dear Mr. Anonymous moron:
It IS funny, just not your kind of funny, it is a SMART and SUBTLE kind of funny. And also is Darth Vader a funny person? No. So the little things like sucking food through a straw and stuff like that that are just mentioned make the stories very funny. Not everything can be funny to everyone, it is a matter of taste, so get over it and stop whining.
PS - Mr. Darth Vader, sir, you are a very good blog writer and you have an ingenious way of telling your stories.
Dear Jutck,
My favourite way of killing people is tricking them into running headlong into the mechanism of their demise -- like fleeing into spikes, or trying to hide in a pit of acid.
It's all about the look on their face when they their last hope is finally drained. Without exception, they all make a little 'O' with their mouths.
Surprise!
Ain't I a stinker?
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Dear Vader,
Is it tough always being at the beck and call of the emperor? I mean, he seems pretty old, and it must be tough on you having to attend all of the formal gatherings that he sends you to in his place. (and then theres the intimidation jobs to "convince" people that what the emperor wants is best)
thanks,
Austin
Lord Vader,
Like you, I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside.
You may not remember me, but I remember when we were hand in glove. I remember the day you took me behind a disused railway line, and you gave me something I won’t forget too soon. You crushed my trachea with your mind.
Under the iron bridge, we kissed, and I ended up with sore lips, but it just wasn’t like the old days any more. No, it wasn’t like those days. Now I’m still ill, and my trachea aches.
Oh Coruscant, so much to answer for.
Stephen Patrick Morrissey
Lord Vader,
You rule the galaxy.
I wouldn't pay much attention to anyone who uses the words "south park" and "funny" next to each other.
Lord Vader,
A little off topic here, but may I say that while reconcilliation and cooperation with your son might be good for both you and the Empire, might I suggest that you strike him down the very second he rejects said offer. Kids have a way of becoming as annoying as bantha fodder that you just cannot scrape off your boots - there at every step of the way, fouling up every situation, and quite simply, embarassing.
Besides, from what I've heard of young Skywalker, he's really impulsive, doesn't finish what he starts, thinks way too highly of himslef, and is always running off on some damn fool crusade.
all the best,
Ming the Merciless
Dear Darth Vader.
I too share the pain and burden of people staring at a horribly disfigured face. I also share the love of Yoeman as Piett does. We have much in common, and I invite you one day to share lunch with me. We can dangle babies over balconies, and discuss what it means to have a lost childhood.
MJ
You know, I'd pay you to take out cleveland. What a waste of a city.
Dear Vader,
Might I suggest another bounty hunter. One who is much more devious, cunning and furry. His names is Hobbes - and he works for tuna fish. Try him out.
Spaceman Spiff
Stephen Patrick Morrissey, you forgot to say:
Dear hero imprisoned With all the new crimes that you are perfecting Oh, I can't help quoting you Because everything that you said rings true And now in my cell (Well, I followed you) And here's a list of who I slew Reggie Kray - do you know my name? Oh, don't say you don't Please say you do, (oh) I am: The last of the famous International playboys The last of the famous International playboys And in my cell (Well, I loved you) And every man with a job to do Ronnie Kray - do you know my face? Oh, don't say you don't Please say you do, (oh) I am:
The last of the famous
International playboys
The last of the famous
International playboys
In our lifetime those who kill
The newsworld hands them stardom
And these are the ways
On which I was raised
These are the ways
On which I was raised
I never wanted to kill
I am not naturally evil
Such things I do
Just to make myself
More attractive to you
Have I failed?
Oh, the last of the famous
International playboys
I tatood SITH in a Greecian font on my left calf back in November of 2004 because I have always had this love affiar with Vader. I was 6-years-old when I saw Star Wars in a Drive-In way back in 1977. I saw The Empire Strikes Back at the same Drive-in in 1980 and then by the time Return of the Jedi came out it was closed so I saw it with my mother at a thearter. I remember at age 12 how everyone including me cheered with Anakin threw Palpatine over the edge.
I am not sure I like your blogs name, but I did like that Fett story and I will get cought up as I have time. I had planned on writing about the movies and I refused to call them Eppisode blah blah so get used to it.
All of you out there I had a review for Lego Star Wars up and I will find it and re-post it at http://aviewfromdenvercolorado.blogspot.com ASAP. The game is just flat out amazing and so fun. I implore everyone to get it and play it and just say no to Windows. Linux, Siths and no more Jedi's forever... Out...
how long have you had this website? just wongerind.
sorry, wondering
Lord Vader,
Is it wrong to use force powers in daily life?
Often in traffic jams, i will pick up and toss a car off a bridge, to move traffic along. People seem not to mind terribly, since they get to keep driving.
I also (not too often) will push idiots who hold elevators up for several minutes through walls.
Do these things make me a bad person, impatient, or am I performing a service to the community?
-Hawk
Lord Vader,
Would you grant me the privilege of having your link on my own site?
I come from Uranus, a planet from another dimension. I just happened to warp into your galaxy.
More power to the Dark Side.
Darth (can I call you Darth?),
Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration. You need to find a more productive outlet for your hostility. You can't go around killing everyone that upsets you. What if a whole planet upsets you, what will you do then? Stop hiding behind a mask of insecurity.
Jabba the Hut, a real hero of the universe. Though somewhat grotesque to the human eye, a real shining star.
Please kill Dr. Phil. Or feed him to Jabba. I'd pay to see that.
;)
Skin condition got you down? No worries, bud! Ewoks have natural emollients and moisturizers. Just moisten and rub luxuriantly, all over.
Used ewoks... cheap!
---- bingorage.
Wow, you really are a drag queen.
Dear Lord Vader:
Do you realize that you owe your son several credits worth of back child support? I hope you're willing to pay up.
For shame...being an absentee parent.
Gracious Lord Vader,
Have you noticed that Dr. Phil has 616 tatooed on his forehead?
Sincerely,
Enraptured
Lord Vader,
What someone please tell me what the frick happened to my uber cool slap happy speeder? I woke up this morning, and it was gone. I swear, you would think with all, a guy could pass out on some Tarisian Ale and not worry about someone jacking his speeder. Vader. You seriously need to beef up security down here on Alderaan. I mean if your gonna send me down here to run recon, a few bodyguards would be nice.....hey what a pretty light..what tha...
(Transmission Terminated)
Thanks for the Fireworks.
Col.Tres Ropil
Imperial Recon
The Planet formerly known as Alderaan.
So Windu's pretentiously-coloured sabre is finally being put to good use...
Lord Vader,
i regret to inform you that the Sith lords of the past have come to eat your brain...WHILE I STEAL YOUR MEGAHERTZ!
ok, i was insane when i typed that, but seriously,
surely you have sensed a disturbance in the force in which the Dark Lords of the Sith in the past have tried to kill you? if you couldn't have sensed it, who could? Darth Sidious, AKA The Emperor? i don't think so.
Sincerely,
Darth Naska
Retired Sith Lord
Lord Vader,
oh, also, tell Darth Sidious that he was a very fine apprentice for me.
Darth Naska,
Retired Sith Lord
Jarth Mader!!
We're you molested or touched inappropriately as child at a very young age? Does that explain your intense anger towards to humanity in general?
Who was responsible for this embarassment? Was it Qui-Gonn? Yoda? Mace?
Oh no! Now I know why you hate Obi-Wan so much!
Vader,
Goodness...how do you put up with some of these twisted comments?
Ya know, dude, you were pretty hot back when you were a Jedi. Why'd you have to go take a dip in a lava pool, anyway?
My lord,
Regarding the recent contract you posted for the Millennium Falcon and it's occupants.
I have acquired outstanding intel regarding the Falcon and it's occupants and am on the way to Corellia in pursuit so I my capture them and bring them to you expeditiously.
Unfortunately, the Punishing One, my ship has had some trouble and I am currently adrift without fuel.
I'm hoping you can be understanding and transfer 5,000 credits to my account as an advance on the return of the Millennium Falcon and it's occupants.
As soon as you are able to wire me the credits I will continue my pursuit of the target and will bring them to you post-haste.
Thanks for being understanding,
Dengar
Dengar Hunting Services, Inc.
Your prey, your price, every time.
Nice blog. Good words. :)
My Lord,
My compliments to your tailor. Since you strike me as a brains over brawn type... Killing with your mind and all that good stuff... May I ask how you stay so trim? Or is it just the natural slimming that comes from a black ensemble? Are you really a lean, mean killing machine or does that long, flowing cape hide a certain ampleness in the imperial posterior?
Imperial Fashion Daily
Out of Character, as most of your replys seem to be In Character.
This is something else, truely impressive. I'm constantly saying to myself "Ah, so that's what that ment". Your knowledge of Star Wars ebonics is unparalled, and is truely an inspiration to my Star Wars Galaxies roleplay.
Thank you for making this most Entertaining journal, I have been reading near the beginning, and this is my first time posting.
Looking forward for you personal renditions of the mind of Vader.
And to the people who think this is horrible. This whole blog is one big opinion. This isn't official at all, and is just very entertaining. If you have a problem with it, just don't read it...that simple. I love reading the user responses in regards to the previous entry, but seeing negative responses that are unwelcome and unnecessary.
Again "Darth Vader" , very entertaining. I wouldn't mind paying for such entertainment eather. *chuckles*
Your fan,
Brandon the Star Wars fanboy
What was the name of the cream? Was it an alpha hydroxy acid? Does he also use a scrub?
From: The Jedi that will show you your death
To: Lord Vader of the Empire
(input command inate)
9Begin)
You do not know me and until the time is right you never will. I am the insergent of your undoing. The last hope of light in the Empire. Lord Vader i am a Jedi. You not only killed my mother but my brother and a very close personal friend of mine...you may know him as Master Jedi Windu. Know this Vader. The Force can only be fully understood by the dark side ,but, the light side gains all the wisdom. I know how to defeat you Vader...and i shall.
*End)
(Exit command input)
This is so fucking fake.
If this were the real deal the Sith version of the Kama Sutra would have force slid across the table and Boba would have found himself with a mouthful of scar-tissue.
It kinda cracks me up how frequently the disparaging comments are "this is the gayest blog ever" and "you're such a drag queen", etc.
*facepalms*
Rather than defending the heterosexuality of our esteemed Dark Lord of the Sith, I ask why it matters? Would a gay Darth Vader be any less deadly? Does it really matter if your trachea-crusher likes pink thongs and dog collars under his uber-slimming black gear?
Won't you be just as dead?
And why attempt to ruin everyone else's fun by commenting on it? No one likes a party pooper, and it seems that party poopers in this neck of the galaxy have less future than anywhere else, what with all the trachea-crushing on one side and rebellion carnage on the other.
Why risk it to leave such dubious verbiage as, "Dude, you are SO gay"?
great blog, Your Excellency
Lord Vader,
I would like to inform that we've recently found some...unusual...ruins here on Dantooine. i think you would've called it a "Jedi Academy". are you aware about this? shall we check it out or will we leave it to you?
Dear Mr. Vader,
Please find enclosed a copy of Invoice # 204005 for services rendered to your organization on Bespin.
We have yet to receive your payment and ask that you enquire with the Imperial Accounts Payable department to find out the status of the payment.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us on Hologram transponder frequency 102304002 Ghz.
Sincerely,
Accounts Receivable,
B. Fett Enterprises Inc.
"We stab 'em and slab 'em."
Dear Lord Vader,
i thoroughly enjoy your posts.
This is one of the most entertaining sites i've come along in a long time.
Plus im a huge SW fan so its always a good thing to learn a little bkgrnd on my fav Sith Lord.
Respect!
Dear Kind Posters,
Do not be disturbed by the few and far between coughs of detractors. The overwhelming amount of the feedback I have received since broadcasting this journal has been very positive.
Your dark lord is not chagrined. Let monkeys be monkeys.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Lord Vader,
How would you feel if I told you an ancient deity by the name of George will digitally retouch and remix and remaster every bit of your being to the point it becomes dilluted? He isn't working for the Rebels either; He just thinks it's a good idea.
I hope the thought doesn't depress you. There's nothing you can do against misguided deities.
Keep on crushing tracheas!
--your #1 fan.
Lord Vader,
I am writing to you in a desperate attempt to get the attention of someone in the Imperial Army. It has come to my attention that there is a group of rebel scum secretly operating out of an abandoned wharehouse three blocks from my home. My neighbors don't seem to care and I believe that the local officials are either in league with the scum or are incomptent to a level previously unseen in this galaxy. I would take matters into my own hands but my understanding of Imperial Law is that vigilanteism is punishable by 15 years hard labor in an asteroid field. Normally I would not skip the normal chain of authority but your blog leads me to believe that you will be most understanding in this matter, as you suffer no fools or traitors.
Your most loyal pion,
Xion Ligof
Dear Mr. Vader,
Thank you for your recent interest in a Galaxy Financial loan.
We regret to inform you that we can't grant you a loan for a new Imperial Star Desstoyer at this time.
It appears that you have large outstanding debts on the planet Alderaan. Until those debts are no longer an issue we will be unable to grant your request.
Sincerely,
Loan Officer
Lord Vader,
I just wanted to say that I am ever so glad the Gods of Blogger decided to link to your site on the main Blogger page. ^_^
I'm looking forward to reading all of your past posts, as well as your future ones.
Sincerely,
Mela
Hey Darth,
I'm still at large, Ha! You'll never, ever find me. Hey, who's that guy behind me with the mandalor--uh oh.
Yours In Haste,
Han
PLZ I STRESS PLZ HUNT DOWN AND KILL ALL SPAMERS. BY THE WAY I KNOW A FIXER ON Rubi-Ka 1 REETUS WHO OWNZ YOU. IF YOU EVER GET OUT OF YOUR ONLINE GAME A COME THE ANARCHY ONLINE WE CAN OWN YOUR SORRY @zz.
Lord, there is a crowd of overweight 40-year old caucasian males crowding the gates to the Imperial Palace again, screaming pleas of internship.
Permission to fire at will?
I posted this last week but I think it bears repeating, since its somewhat relevant now.
M Windu said...
Vader, Vader, Vader... DARTH Vader! Tsk! Or should I call you Anakin? This is your old pal Mace Windu. You know, I always thought you would bring balance to the Force, but I never thought you would go completly fucking ape shit! Shit, man, I now see the error in my ways, and should have booted your scrawny desert boy ass to the streets when I had the chance. Look at you now, man. I know what this is all about. First you pop a saber in my ass, and then you start with this all high and mighty DARTH Vader shit. Maybe you want to be DARK Vader? It's so obvious with the way you dress. Now your the biggest BLACKEST mother fucker in the galaxy and nobody can touch you. Well I have something to say to you mother fucker.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
See you on the other side, Vader. You, me, Saber y Saber. Mine will be the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it.
MW
fire away...........
[i]...And there was a disturbance in the force, and all the ghosts of Mace Windu realized they had no buisness posting here, and promptly vanished...[/i]
M'lord, you are now on LiveJournal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/darthvaderblog/
Your Faithful Servant.
Are you serious? This site made it onto the blogs of note? I don't understand this thing. It's got to be rigged.
Vader..why dont you ever visit my grave anymore??
Meh.. lame.
Darth Vader,
So you have a blog now.
All your 'fans' read it and kiss your ass.
BIG DEAL JERK!!!
You don't know me, but you knew my father.
Let me correct that. You didn't KNOW him, but you killed him.
About 28 years ago.
I was only 3 years old.
My dad was working for the ATS (Alderaan Transportation System) and happened to be working on a ship called the Tantive IV when you came on board looking for some woman who had supposedly stolen some property. My dad had nothing to do with any of that. He wasn't even supposed to be working that day. He was covering for someone else and took their shift for the day.
He was a good, law abiding man, and he was working 2 jobs to support my mom and me.
From the police reports I recently got my hands on, (the Empire makes it very hard to find old records..I wonder why? Good for me I have friends with in high places) it seems like you picked him up off the floor with one hand, crushed his windpipe, and killed him. Then you threw him to the floor like a rag doll.
He didn't know anything about any stolen plans, he was a working stiff, and YOU killed him.
Do you know what this did to my mom?
She was never the same.
We had to move out of our house and find an apartment in a bad neighborhood, because thats all we could afford now that my dad was dead.
I grew up fatherless and turned into a depressed and withdrawn teen and I got into drugs.
My mom worked cleaning houses 6 days a week just to make enough to pay our rent and keep us fed.
I could go on but I know you don't care, because you don't have a heart you bastard.
You ruined my life!!!!
I hate you!!!!!
DIE!!!!!!
*ROTFL* These are way too funny... keep up the great work!
I fail to see why you remain with the dark side.
There are great advantages to switching, not least of which are fame and glory.
You need not do so as I did, by losing my memory and having my name reversed, but it is certainly an interesting method.
Please think about it, Redav Htrad
Sincerely, the individual formerly known as Darth Revan
Lord Vader,
I know this great "all you can eat" buffet that specializes in Sith Cuisine.
Freshly imported from all sectors of the galaxy daily!!!
Only 3.99 credits, drinks are only 1.49 credits.
Bring an appetite!!!
Hey Darth, Brian here, i'm a couple planets over from Kashyyyk! Yeah, hi, was wondering if I could pop round to Palpatines and pick up the purple lightsaber to do some pruning at my place - the garden looks like Dagobah!
Heard you were there recently too, somebody said something about a cave?
anonymous: I'm callin the police
911: 911 What's your emergency
anonymous: Darth Side is on the loose!!!
CALL LOST !!!!
This is Mace Windu as soon as i can i will send my army of clones after you. thats right i have comtrol of over a 100thousand of clones. stop insulting me or else Darth loser
ahahaha it must really suck when you spin in circles because your left leg goes nuts
Your a Sad Sad man, get a life.
Dear Darth Vader,
Hi! I am the Duchess of a small island off the coast of England (although so far in name only. So far. *eyes dart suspiciously*). This story really touched me. My good friend Erik is himself tragically disfigured, and he bears the pain of it every day. (And occasionally inflicts said pain upon us.) So I can understand your need for companionship. If Erik and I could come to your luncheon circle, I would be most honored (as soon as I recover from the bruising Erik is likely to give me once he realizes I recommended him for something called "Scar Friends"). And perhaps you, Lord Vader, greatest of all the Sith, might help me reclaim my birthright.
Yours truly,
Margaret Aquaceaterra Plantagenet, Duchess of Anglesey
hello sir vader
i am decidedlly in love with you
call me some time hott stuff!
556 055 5655
ur great at writin
Lord Vader,
your take on the dark side is subtle, hilarious and above all, stays true to the Sith tradition to take everything with a pinch of salt. No love, no marriage, no hate...so many rules to break, so little time. Why worry about that? Let the Light Side be the goody two shoes and play their own silly mind tricks. Nice job with the narrative!
Another satisfied Sith-pporter.
Hey.
Can I use Windu's saber for my hedges after Sidious is done with his?
Lord Vader,
A note from a SW continuity geek- Unless previously unmentioned in Star Wars novels, graphic novels, and films... Boba Fett was scarred by the acid of the Sarlacc on Tatooine, an event that takes place AFTER the events occuring during this blog...
Check yourself bro! :)
Otherwise, Excellent work, I've greatly enjoyed reading it start to finish!
GuySmileyPKT
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