Author Chester Burton Brown
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown


Here Comes The Son

The air is rich with portent. Destinies flicker in snaking forks from the fabric of space. Luke Skywalker is here now, on Endor's forest moon below.

Mood: everything!

I waited an hour in the anteroom to the tower of my master Darth Sidious the Emperor Palpatine before the crimson-clad Imperial Guards motioned to me that I was now cleared to proceed. It's always pomp and circumstance with those guys. I stepped inside the lift, and when the door slid back again I saw my master's throne turned away toward the stars.

I climbed the steps and stood before him. After a pause he turned his throne only partly and muttered with irritation, "I told you to remain on the command ship."

I explained about the rebels aboard the Tyderian shuttle. Sidious turned to face me, the corners of his mouth drawn down in a sneer of contempt. "Yes, I know," he said sharply, yellow eyes piercing me from the shadows of his mantle.

"My son is with them," I added.

I felt his surprise ripple through the Force. "Are you sure?" he asked, his eyes narrowing.

"I have felt him, my master."

"Strange that I have not," he said airly, his fingers playing thoughtfully against one another. I felt his mind touch mine, probing around its edges, quietly deflected by the cloud of obfuscation I felt myself generating without conscious effort. Sidious leaned forward. "I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear, Lord Vader."

"They are clear, my master," I said with terror in my heart.

It was an agonizing moment before he replied, and I felt certain he had penetrated my intimate mind and seen the confusion there. Instead he sat back in his throne and said, "Then you must go to the Sanctuary Moon, and wait for him."

"He will come to me?"

"I have foreseen it," enunciated Sidious crisply. I sensed that his thoughts lacked the conviction of his demeanor -- he was troubled by the shadows in his vision. I felt his mind lick at my spirit again, feeling over the exterior veneer. "His compassion for you will be his undoing," said Sidious. I hesitated, so he continued with strained patience: "He will come to you, and then you will bring him before me."

He turned his throne back toward the stars.

"As you wish," I said, and took my leave silently.

In the corridor I nearly ran into Moff Jerjerrod, who flinched back from me with wide eyes. "Lord Vader," he whispered, his throat raw from yesterday's little incident between us, "General Veers has signalled from the surface. He says a rebel terrorist has surrendered to his forces."

So, my master's vision is not entirely enshrouded! The surrendering rebel could only be my son, Skywalker, as Sidious had foreseen. I took a moment to absorb the information, breathing slowly as I stood over Jerjerrod.

I heard a trickling splash, and looked down to see a small puddle gathering around the good Moff's boots.

Like I said before, joy in life is found in the little things. To Jerjerrod I said, "Prepare my shuttle. I will see to this personally."

"Yes, my Lord," he squeaked and then scurried away. Which was fortunate timing, because I would have been embarrassed to have him witness the way I fell against the corridor bulkhead, my left leg jerking spasmodically under me.

I recovered myself with an effort, and again summoned the tendrils of Force I would need to wrap through my leg's control circuitry and restore me to a dignified level of function. I did not sleep last night and the exhaustion has magnified my limb's recalcitrance. I felt overwhelmed with melancholy, and suddenly so very weak.

As I made my way through the Death Star I found myself looking upon it with a strange nostalgia. There is always something going on aboard the Death Star -- from the galleria mall to the competitive gymnasium -- and though I have always felt apart from the life of the men I have never felt so disconnected as I do today.

I stopped in for a quick pick-me-up at the Imperial House Tavern, and by coincidence ended up standing at the bar next to Admiral Piett his newest protege, a third-class midshipman with blonde hair and a vapid expression. "What a pleasure!" Piett greeted me warmly. "Can I buy you a drink, m'Lord?"

"Corellian wine," I said. "I will take it in my private booth." I began to walk away and then paused. "Why don't you join me, Admiral?"

Piett looked stricken for a fleeting second. "Sir," he replied with a nod.

He came around with the drinks in just a few minutes, his new boy following timidly on his heels. They ranged themselves around the octagonal table as the door hissed shut. Piett placed a goblet before me. "Thank you," I said. After a brief pause I announced awkwardly, "I will take off my masque now."

"Of course, m'Lord," said Piett. I saw him swallow hard. His boy kept his eyes on his drink, stirring it nervously with his pinky.

I disengaged my hood and then removed the upper section of my face-plate, my burned and scarred features visible above the breathing apparatus at my chin. Piett maintained a rigid composure betraying no shock, but the midshipman could not help but gape. With a snortling suction sound the private booth's life support umbilicus attached itself to a port on my neck. "I propose a toast," I said.

Piett and the midshipman raised their glasses expectantly.

"To destiny," I said simply.

"To destiny!" they echoed, and we all drank. There was an awkward moment after that. Piett coughed and then asked, "Pardon my candor m'Lord, but is there something troubling you?"

I sipped my drink again. "Do you have any children, Piett?"

"Children?" he replied, looking faintly amused. "No, m'Lord, no children."

"I have a brother," offered the midshipman helpfully.

"I have a son," I said. Piett's eyes widened but his expression remained smooth.

The midshipman grinned. "Congratulations!"

Piett watched me with concern. "M'Lord?" he prompted gently.

"My son is a member of the Rebel Alliance," I confessed, eyes cast down at my drink. "He has surrendered to Veers, and I go now to take him into custody."

I heard Piett sigh. "Blast," he said under his breath. He finished the rest of his drink in a swallow. "Is there -- is there something I can do, m'Lord? You know you can ask anything of me, sir."

I nodded slowly and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "You are a good man, Piett. But I must face him...alone."

After a few more moments of silence I finished my drink and replaced my masque. Outside the booth came the sounds of laughter and merry chatter, and it made me feel hollow inside. I flexed my fingers and stood up. "You understand, of course, this conversation never took place."

"Of course, m'Lord," replied Piett.

"Unfortunate about the boy," I added, glancing over at the blonde midshipman.

Piett blinked, and then regained his composure. "There are plenty more where he came from, m'Lord."

"What do you mean?" asked the midshipman right before his head dropped heavily to the table, his last breath pressing windily out of his lungs. I tossed a few Imperial coins down and left. "Sorry about the mess," I muttered to the proprietor.

Now I am aboard my shuttle, taking these idle moments to chronicle the day's events before I go to meet Skywalker on the surface. I do not know when I will next have a chance to write. Even now my shuttle has crossed the terminator into the forest's moons shadow, descending through the wet, night air toward the landing platform where Veers' walker will meet us.

The time of confrontation is at last here!

Daddy's home.


Blogger BLok said...

To His Majesty, the Dark Lord, Vader:

From the Chief Librarian of Coruscant,

I understand you are not having a great week. Unfortunately, I have more bad news. In updating the Imperial Library from the antiquated Chewie Decimal System, (originating on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk) to the newer C-MP3-0 system, it seems we’ve discovered an error.

Do you recall the planet you purchased in the Sol system some years back, as part of your 403-B Retirement Plan? You registered the domain of the planet as “Darth”, Darth Vader to be exact. Well, due to the imperfect typographical skills of the old Librarian, Backcarr the Mon Calamari—clearly his hands were not made for typing, with some fingers long and others short—the name of the planet was actually entered as (please don’t kill me) “Earth Vader.”

You can see how the common mistake happened. Naturally, the letter “E” is just above the letter “D” on the keyboard…and, well, Darth became Earth (pronounced “Are-th”).

As you also know, it takes every bit of a universal agreement ratified and signed by two-thirds of the known galaxy in order to change erroneous data in the Imperial Library records. However, attached to this notice is the 1099 short form, which is the “Planet Name Change” form. Once completed, and signed mind you, we can begin the (tedious) process of having your planet name correctly augmented in the Imperial Library records.

I do hope we can resolve this error prior to your retirement as it would be quite unfortunate to have you aging gracefully on the planet of Earth Vader.

Sincerely, your kindly human Librarian,

Commander Sacul

View the 1099 Short Form here (and see if you qualify for electronic filing)!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then end is nigh Lord Vader.

Blogger Little Miss said...

Welcome home daddy!

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Darth...

Just wondering if you are going to continue bloging as Anakin once you become one with the Force in the near future?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

GyMnasium, I guess, my lord?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA anakin, it seems i have caused your leg to torment you again, i have forseen that it will give in on your when you tell luke you know about his sister!

huzzah see your cgi'D force ghost soon .

Blogger Bill C said...

Lord Vader,

With all due respect - and some unavoidable trembling - I feel compelled to ask: when you "resolved" the unfortunate problem of Piett's blond midshipman in your typically expeditious manner, did any thoughts of *that* son's unknown father cross your mind? At a minimum, perhaps you noted some irony...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Respectable Lord Vader,

May you never fail to know anger, and fear, and love... and thus to live.

Your dedicated reader, always,


Blogger Paul Tomblin said...

Darth, don't you think you're a bit of a one-trick pony with this trachea crushing? Surely the power of the Force could also be used to crush a heart or pop a blood vessel in the brain or other methods of death? Reach out a bit, experiment. A change is as good as a rest, as my grandmother always said. (Speaking of which, if you could reach through time and space and kill my brother some time around 1962 or so, I'd really appreciate it.)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pretty clear your son also does not like the cackling freak.

Whether he turns or you do, ol' lightning boy's gotta go down in the process.

BTW, been in that tower he uses before. (Worst contracting job of my career. Do you know what it's like to work for an incontinent Imperial officer?) Have you noticed there are a lot of energy shafts?

Also, you could sneak in while he's in the john and throw down antistatic mats everywhere. Then he's gotta quit posing and prove he's half the Sith he used to be.

Kick his ass, Darth. Feel the Dilbert inside you wrap itself around the Dark Side. Expose the cackling freak for the pointy-haired attrocity he is. The white collar oppressed will follow you to the very gates of Hell if you do.

The Man Behind the Curtain

Anonymous Anonymous said...

very interesting family dynamic

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greetings Lord Vader,

Long time reader, first time commentator.

My lord, a thought. Perhaps you could have your suit computer transcribe your thoughts during your next audience with His Munificence, Our Beloved Emperor Palpatine.

I wouldn't miss it for all the oil jobs in Coruscant.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought you died already?

Blogger Sirius Green said...

Dear Cheeseburger,

Your Darth Vader is oddly almost huggable despite the fact he keeps killing people. Keep up the good work.

Yours sycophantically,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck with the whole son confrontation thing, man. I think everything's going to work out just fine.
But then, what do I know? I fell into a Sarlacc.

Blogger kadee loves you said...

hehe. i heart star wars

Blogger Dave said...

Wow.... absolutely stunning! Great job.

Blogger Ken Pierce said...

Just outstanding work. You've invented a new art form.

Too bad it's been decades since George Lucas was able to produce anything this entertaining.

Blogger Mike said...

This is a pretty innovative idea...Darth Vader's blog...I like it.

Blogger BinaryGuy said...

Hey Darth....remember, there can only be 2. Keep that in mind when you bring your son to the Emperor.

Just a hint ;)

Blogger Drew said...

Thank you for this.

Blogger Louis said...

I have to wonder whether this is the last entry we're going to get. If so, I'm starting to miss it already. Good stuff.

paul tomblin: Yes, trachea crushing is a trick that could probably be performed by any Sith lord, but could anyone else crush with such flair? I think not.

Blogger Alena said...

Most heartfelt greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Good luck with the meeting with your son. Just remember that blood is stronger than political ties. ^_^ I'm sure he'll come around for you.

Your ever adoring fan,

Blogger Lael said...

Lord Vader,

I don't think its going to go well...but I'm rooting for you.


Blogger Benji said...

Bitchin Darth, congrats on a great Blog. Check my post on How to Make a Lightsaber.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

M'Lord Vader,

With all due respect, I understand your want and need for scaring the mess out of people, (I would too if I had the ability) but could you please refrain from such activities in the Imperial Wing? Especially the Service Lifts, those cracks are hard to to clean.

I only have a limited number of maintenance droids to work with (something about rising costs and new Admirals, whatever.) and we are already taxed to the limit following the Emperor around incase he has "an accident". This coupled with the rate at which you are causing voided bladders has made my job very difficult lately.

In an effort to allow you to keep your favorite past time available, I have constructed a list of places that would be more suitable for such enjoyment:

1.) The Clone Troopers Barracks, they have drains on the floors and they really wouldn't notice a bit of urine on the floor anyways.

2.) The D-Facs, enough said.

3.) Any of the Hangar Bays, they are sooo easy to clean.

4.) Any of the Detention Halls, who cares about the poor bastards in there anyways, right?

This is a short list, and many other places would be most adequate for the fun to be had with watching people piss themselves. I just humbly request that you keep it to areas which are easier to clean.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter, I greatly appreciate it.

Cutch Swora

Chief Maintenance Officer, Death Star II

P.S. Could you please tell the Imperial Guards that my droids are not toys, they are not to play with and no, it is not fun to chase them with their Force Wands? Thanks.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. CheeseburgerBrown,

If you're still taking ideas for your next blogtastic adventure, I might suggest going with a historical figure, like Ghengis Khan or Winston Churchill.

Kim Jong Il had a blog awhile back that was pure gold:

Blogger Windowman said...

Lord Vader;

I hope you read this reply soon. I too fear you are losing clarity when in regards to your son. Remember, it was he who not only rescued the rebel scum from your own containment unit, but then destroyed your beloved Death Star!

Your son has single-handedly killed thousands of your comrades as well as destabilized the empire! He continues to recruit other rebels and will be a threat to the stability of this region of the galaxy. If he cannot be turned to the way of the Sith,I fear you will have to kill him.

I have heard rumors that he may have been responsible of the death of one of your trading partners, Jabba the Hutt. Please, I emplore you, listen to Lord Sideous, and keep the empire strong!


Michael Bolton
(no relation to the singer)

Blogger NYPinTA said...

"Daddy's home."
I'm so sad that this is nearing the end. Where else am I going to get this kind of quality writing and high body count?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If only those in the rebel cause could see that the real 'villain' was never Vader, just Sidious throughout. I'm afraid having read these log entries that Obi Wan's claim that you are more machine than man are a little misguided.

Anakin Skywalker. What a guy.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not sure if this is the last post or not, so I'll say thank you again, Darth, for a truly exquisite and most entertaining web log.

Love you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Re: Trachea Crushing.

I can understand the Dark Lord's fondness for trachea crushing. It easy to clean up afterwards and the subject of the crushing has time to fully appreciate the gravity of their situation.

Your suggestion of bursting blood vessels, because of the swiftness of death, doesn't create a learning opportunity for other underlings who might miss the moment of its application. Trachea crushing is perfect for this.

Also, repeated use of trachea crushing has allowed the Lord Vader creates a stable set of expectations for employees. It has also allowed the Dark Lord to use a non-lethal variation for issuing effective warnings to civilian administrators those who feel they are being treated unfairly, or officers who exhibit a disturbing lack of faith in the Force.

Remember, Lord Vader is a highly efficient manager. He doesn’t believe in unnecessary waste and fully understands that the workplace must be a learning environment for employees to prosper.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely amazing writing! :D

Blogger Nepharia said...

OMG! OMG! I haven't enjoyed reading anything so much since I got a hold of a copy of "The Joy of Sex" translated into Huttese with updated pictures. Please tell us how things turn out for you and your son.

Best Wishes,

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been following this for the last few weeks, and just want to comment on how impressed I am with the insight, wit and style shown here. You've really taken the character of Vader and ran with it. I feel that you've added more to the development of Vader in these last few weeks than Lucas and team have done in all these years. (Good God, has it *really* been nearly 30??)

Anyway, you've got a new fan now (actually a couple hundred or so from the looks of things). I look forward to your wrapup and your future writing.

- F Jacobs, Raleigh, NC

Blogger Unknown said...

Thanks for sharing your blog with us, Lord Vader. I have a feeling you're going to be a bit busy with family and work commitments this week, but try and find some time to keep writing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader

Re: Repair Order #3098-5723-B1-9001

We have been monitoring your transmissions in order to ascertain the origins of your leg problems. Although we did have some problems as to the term "jiggy", we did manage to reference an arcain use of the term from a distant galaxy. We have concluded that the problem arrises from the fact that the neurologic interface between your Central Nervous System and the CPU in your leg is sending random error messages.

Your mental confusion regarding your son has caused the interface to malfunction. It is receiveng conflicting input of happy, sad, confused, perplexed, somber, annoyed, etc. and just can't keep up. That is why your ability to use the force has worked to your advantage. The force eliminates the errant inputs inabling you to control your leg. We are not sure why it is only your leg, but assume that the circuitry within the leg is the most sensitive to your varied input.

If you can find a way to control your feelings towards your son, we believe that your leg will return to normal operation. In the event that this is not a possibility, we suggest that you have the droids switch to the less sensitive version of the leg. Unfortunately, the movement of this leg would be hampered as it does work on an older operating system and we might have to work on the interface, but it is an option.

Your hard working repair droids.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

While others wet the floor, I wet my cheeks...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

M'lord Vader,

I've observed an intriguing tendency on your part to quote movie lines from late 20th century (earth) popular culture. Is there a reason behind that? Are you a fan, or is it purely coincidental?

A Fan

Blogger VW said...

FM: CINC-OPS Coruscant
TO: HIM Palpatine c/o Endor Task Force
Sithlord Vader c/o Endor Task Force
INFO: ADM Piett c/o Endor Task Force

1. Rebel fleet has departed Sullust sector.

2. Ionic residue indicates destination is Endor sector -- possible attack. ETA approximately 48 hours.

3. 2nd and 7th Imperial Fleets have been mobilized to support task force at Endor and will sail on direct Imperial command. ETA 2nd Fleet 12 hours, 7th Fleet 16 hours

4. Instructions requested

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth Vader:

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Luke Skywalker:

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Darth Vader:

It's not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
if you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

Luke Skywalker:

All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a bit busy with a space battle at the moment, but I figure I'll chip in my two cents.

Your problems with your employer sound like they're about to come to a head. My advice is to kill him, messily, and any advisors and security forces that won't acknowledge you as the true Emperor. Though there will be a temporary disruption of order, I believe that setting a clear example like this would lead to as orderly and swift a transition of power as possible.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can believe this is the man Anakin Skywalker grew up to become.
Your analysis of the character is... impressive. Most impressive.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Darth,

Great blog!! Very entertaining.

Darth, I'm rather concerned about all the trachea crushing. I wonder if all this anger is stemming from something deeper than just your run-of-the-mill power hungry persona. Perhaps you are over compensating for all the years you spent as a boy being called "Ani"? (Did your mother really want a girl??)

Might there be just a tad bit of confusion broiling in that black heart of yours? Ref: Darth Vader Interview by Anne Arkham..."Shave That Wookie Thang."

Just a thought. Have a nice day.

Blogger Doug the Jedi said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Doug the Jedi said...

Hey, Darth. My name is Doug, last of the Jedi. I like your blog, even though it is a bit outdated (dude, it's 2005). I added you, feel free to do the same with me.

Blogger Unknown said...

Vader blogged me back... I must say I am honored. I too am very much into fencing as well as animation. Good call. I can see that I am in good company. Excited for the premier?

Blogger j00|{z said...

You may want to consider getting a makeover before meeting Luke. Who knows how he'll react?
And please come back soon! Everyone else on the Dark side is afraid of you - you can fight the power!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So long Darth, and thanks for all the fish.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Blogger Carol Danvers said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I LOOOOOVE your blogging skills and was wondering if you are planning on continuing the blog even after your confrontation with your son? You could take a look back at your life from your unique Force-ghost viewpoint and let us know why you were such a whiny brat growing up... that'd be cool.

Also will you be attending the midnight premiere of the movie that chronicles your descent to the Dark Side (aka Revenge of the Sith) tomorrow? If so, please report back on whether you think they did a good job portraying your story..

Your humble servant,

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left your underwear on the bathroom floor... again. I am not, repeat, NOT your maid.


Blogger j00|{z said...

Your blog is the coolest thing - It binds the Universe toghether! Well at least the Star Wars fangeeks! It's just like the Force!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surely you cannot end your blogging sir. Regardless of what happens, I have become addicted to your words!!

And why did you kill the innocent kid?

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Sorry I started the torrent of suggestions of what to blog next (if you ever decide to do so). I've seen a few good ones in the mix, but finding someone who is as universally famous as Vader is thought provoking.

Finding an anti-hero like character, or one with the qualities of both good and evil, humor, an underling (of sorts), and one that allows a tremendous body count is nigh impossible.

But I thought about it and here are the ones I would suggest that offer the most range for you to write with. I kept myself limited to a few rules: 1) I picked from different genres, but all characters are fictional, 2) I tried to stick with character's that your "average joe" would recognize, 3) I used only those who had some "established" history.

Micheal Meyers from Halloween
Jason from Friday the 13th
Ash from Evil Dead and Army of Darkness
Pin Head from Hellraiser
The Terminator from, well you know

Roy Batty from Blade Runner
Teal'c from Stargate SG-1
W.O.P.R. from Wargames
H.A.L. from 2001
Doc Brown from Back to the Future
Mad Max from, again, I repeat myself

My personal favorite would be Roy Batty.

Might I suggest that after the last blog, if you feel the need and/or find the time to do another blog such as this, that you run a contest to pick a character to blog. You could set limits on what type of character, genre, and media (books, television, movies) you'd accept entries from. You could pick a well known but undocumented person and write some truly original stuff, or pick someone there is lots of data on for good reference material.

All that aside, I'd like to say "Thanks" for the tremendous job you've done in protraying Darth Vader. This is by far the best blog I've ever read.

Blogger Goldi said...

A Galleria Mall on the Death Star? I've definitely serving the wrong side of the Force. All Cloud City has are artsy-fartsy boutiques. Damn all I want are some khakis and a high-fat-high-carb frappuccinno.

Blogger Tyler said...

Absolutely the best one yet.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

To: The Lord Darth Vader, currently assigned to the His Imperial Majesty's Super Star Destroyer Executor

From: Bogus Tort-Reform, Esq., Attorney for Plaintiffs Ruwee and Jobal Naberrie, Parents of Senator Padmé Naberrie

Dear sir:

This is to inform you that you have been named in a wrongful death lawsuit filed in Naboo Superior Court by the above-named plaintiffs in the wrongful death of their daughter, Senator Padmé Naberrie, formerly Queen Amidala of Naboo.

The suit alleges that on or about the date that His Majesty Emperor Palpatine assumed the throne, you did wilfully, unlawfully and with malice aforethought cause the death of Senator Padmé Naberrie by using the Force in a manner inconsistent with the teachings of the Jedi Order, who at the time were the only authorized users of the Force in the Republic.

Mr. and Mrs. Naberrie are seeking actual damages in the amount of 1,000,000,000 credits, plus pain and suffering damages in an amount to be determined by a Naboo jury.

You are hereby subpoenaed to appear in court in the city of Theed, Naboo, three weeks from the receipt of this document, at 0800 local planetary time. You are hereby notified that a number of ysalamiri have been imported and are positioned throughout the Theed courthouse, so attempts to crush the tracheas of the judge, the attorneys, witnesses, members of the media or idle spectators will fail.


Bogus Tort-Reform, Esq.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cheeseburger,

thanks from me as well - a SW geek from Finland since 20 years ago. I'm not into fanfic at all, but this blog hooked me irresistibly. (And surely, surely it's not quite over yet?)

I see all these suggestions from right and left concerning which fictional character you should blog next. My 5 cents: do not do it just because people ask you to. Of course they want more brilliant fun like this. The much more important issues are whether you really want to and are inspired to create another blog like this, and whether it would be such a fresh and functional idea.

That said, I second "anonymous"'s idea about HAL in 2001. :-)

Thanks again. You have no idea how you've been entertaining me through these past weeks!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader:

Actually, I should appeal to Anakin Skywalker, if he is still somewhere inside that suit.

You don't have to go down this path. Obviously the Emperor is afraid of what might happen when you and Luke face him. Why wouldn't you kill the Emperor and take your place as the head of the Empire?

Look, you have your ship, you have your son, you can change things. Your destiny is within your grasp. Don't waste this opportunity!

The Emperor doesn't have the time or the interest in you or your son. He used you to establish the Empire. He has been so busy running it and it will only get worse once the rebellion has been stopped.

It doesn't need to end the way everyone says it must.

Can't you forsee where this is going? The Emperor is old, sick and frail. His thoughts are more focused on staying in power because he has nothing else, no friends, no future.

Please Lord Vader, you still have a little bit of time before things start down a path you cannot control.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only character blog that beats Bill Hobbs' original Osama's bin Bloggin' from back in '02.

I'd like to see a blog by the Kate Brewster character from T3 post-Judgment Day. You could take that one anywhere; the Claire Danes character has the potential to be as imperious as Vader, only less stable. And the story line allows wide latitude for mayhem and the ever-popular high body count!

Brilliant work on this blog!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

They had to all be wondering if the kid is really yours. I mean, with the "attachment" thing and all.

Blogger supersimbo said...

lord vader..........all the best for your confrontation with skywalker...........make sure you tell him how well obi wan has taught him!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pretty clear to me the Empire is ripe for regime change. A few things you could say to Palpy as you help him lay down his power and abate the crisis. (He's been pokey with that whole emergency powers thing anyway. Somebody kill that stupid Gungang.)

As you toss his scrawny butt down the energy shaft (just a wild guess, even though I have both you and your son pegged for the trachea crushing types. Nice work, btw.), consider these parting words as you instruct the emperor not to let the door to eternity hit him in the ass...


"By the way, I QUIT!"

"Palpy, you're fired." (My favorite line in ROBOCOP.)

"Did you foresee that, motherf*****?"

"Now everything is proceeding the way *I* planned it!"

"So long and thanks for all the Sith."

"Feel that disturbance in the Force?"

"Hmm... Guess it WAS time for me to rise up and strike you down."

"Say hello to my little friends... The ion incinerators."

"Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. That was cool."

"Oh, my God! You killed Qui-gon. You bastard!"

Or make up your own. You got the rage thing down to a science. I'm sure you'll do well.

Just remember, you're the most powerful Jedi and Sith who has ever lived. Whack Palpy, and you can pretty much rewrite the rulebook.

Darth Beavis

Blogger Anthony Vanoo said...

Yes, my lord Vader, we all know who your son is.

But, Who's Your Daddy?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

TO: Lord Vader

FROM: Tak-Tak
VP Marketing
McDonalds Intergalactic

It appears that 2 recipes you submitted (Flamin' Palpatine Eyeballs & Ewok McNuggets will make the new summer menu. We are still working on the Vader Sauce because of unforeseen endangered species limitations.

The amount of 6 million credits has been transferred to your Visa account.

Thanks for helping evil become quicker and taste better (Please don't crush my trachea).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's "portent" not portend. Did you attend a public school?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do people correct grammar? If you dont like the way the author has written the post...... then don't read! : )

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Incredible work, keep it up and please dont stop at the end of ROTJ, mabey go back to EPII and EPIII. Really stunning insights into what has always been stereotyped.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Hah!!! You're going to be a ghost soon Daddy-o!!!

Blogger Glen Bosiwang said...

I've never seen M'Lord feasting on rare occasions (in fact, you are just a cyborg; I don't think they either drink nor eat since machines only rely on oil). Perhpas you could show us how you actually consume by showing your photo in the bar!

- Admiral Glen!

Blogger ethan m. long said...

I guess your plan is to finish it up right on time for Revenge of the Sith. Awesome.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Darth,

Seeing all the "Bush Vader" hoo-ha at Cannes, just thought would tell you about my Daily Kos diary "NEW!! "Sith Happens" Bush Vader-Cheney-Frist image!!" at (whoops is this URL too long to fit? I'll break it in half and you can paste it together, ,
/2005/5/16/104412/479 ), with its eponymous Photoshopped
image captioned "Sith Happens--Subverting the Senate". (Image alone at .) I think the image could be of real use in waking up the American public to the problems that George Lucas himself has identified with political life today, though maybe my hopes are too high (heh). Feel free to send the diary/image around to people.

Oh wait, I forgot, you're rotten and evil like a decayed head of lettuce left in a clogged toilet. Well, maybe your good side Anakin can handle it.

Hope to hear, and enjoy,

David Boyle

Blogger raz said...

Dear Dark Lord,
I am from planet earth and I am a big fan of yours.

When do you plan to drop by for a visit on my planet?
Probably have a little get together with fans?
Kill a few of our leaders and takeover the planet maybe?

Hope to hear from you soon and keep up the good work.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Attn: David Boyle

Please leave your fantasy life out of ours.

Thank you

A Loyal Sith Sycophant

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

It has come to my attention that some silly fool is impersonating me, claiming to be head librarian on Coruscant. This presents a couple of problems, primarily since your exalted master, Emperor Palpatine, leveled the main library some 20 years ago. Secondly, I have never BEEN a librarian. This man is an imposter, and I would be much obliged if you would do me the most undeserved favor of sending a personal trachea crushing his way.

The REAL Commander Jorg Sacul

ps, I like the blog. It really gives the troops something to read and look forward to while we plot turning your new Death Star into a sparkling debris field! You should just kill Palpy and be done with it, and then get on to writing full time. You've got a knack for subtle humor and telling philosophical insight. Say, after this war thing is over, and the empire is in ruins, how's about we get together for some drinks?


Anonymous Anonymous said...







Dear Sir/Madam/Sith Lord,

I am a research scientist on Nar Shaddar, working in the private sector on NEW and GROUNDBREAKING technologies.

Your GalacticMail address was chosen at random using ADVANCED techniques from two spiral galaxies - you're very lucky! Amazingly lucky! Maybe - maybe it's not luck. Maybe it's... THE FORCE.

My groundbreaking, powerful new technology can be used to ENHANCE YOUR force-performance, so that the exhilarating rush of FORCE power lasts LONGER.

"ForceNhancer™" can be shipped to you NOW by one of our hypercouriers, for the onetime low, low price of 9,999 credits.

But wait! That's not all, we'll also thrown in a free (that's right - FREE) Kath hound training manual - and a Bothan stunstick with which to train your wittle fuwwy ball of homicidal Kath puppy. Stock is limited, so don't wait!

Yours sincerely,

Nar Shaddar Research Team

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You all so succesfully manage to ruin the magic of this blog with your idiotic comments.

Let's pretend that you are not a jedi, not a sith, not member of a large corporation in the Star Wars universe, not a bounty hunter, not *anything* but a transient spectator and comment "Oh, what a nice blog. Kudos!".

I'm sure that you all feel ever so special pretending to be Obi-Wan foretelling the events that are set to occur, but, as I said, *it ruins the fucking magic*.

Quit trying to horn in on a great piece of work and sit back and enjoy the ride.
It truly has been a lovely ride so far.

Thank you.

Blogger Jozef Imrich with Dragoness Malchkeon said...

'I write fiction and I'm told it's autobiography, I write autobiography and I'm told it's fiction, so since I'm so dim and they're so smart, let them decide what it is or it isn't.'
-Philip Roth

There are light side spots in all of our lives and most of them have come about through having our daddy home ;-)

Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Dear Anonymous,

I beg to differ.

People flexing their imaginations is always pleasing to me. Imaginations don't get flexed enough.

I find the IC comments just as interesting as the OOC comments (look those acronyms up on the net if you have to -- I did). All of people's varied responses to this story are part of the fabric of the telling. That's part of what makes the web neat -- because content and reaction can exist in the same space.

Have a cuppa tea. Lighten up. Why can't we all jus' git along?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear CheeseburgerBrown,

Enjoy a sip of reality with your tea.

Culturally appropriate postscript,

Anonymous Coward

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Got to say that this has been THE best blog I've ever read AWESOME truly great and if you knew me you'd know what huge praise that is indeed.
I will miss this as I feel that this is the last post. But if it isn't I understand. Now I have to come up with something this good or my life will be wasted.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Superb job and nice timing. Thank you.

If we don't hear from Lord Vader any more let me cast my vote for a Roy Batty blog. To the extent that votes count around here.

Or, if you wanted to go back to earlier SW times, that would be nice too.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous

You are not quite with it, are you? You obviously don't realize that you just insulted the Author of this blog.

Reality? Dude, you're carping on fans of a fictional blog. How about taking your narrow minded and socially inept hatred elsewhere?

By the way, KUDOS, Matthew, NICE BLOG!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just one more post, as a force ghost.

Just a little insight as to what Anakin understands when all is said and done. That, and what a real putz he thought of Palpatine, and his joy at finding there was another Skywalker.

Thanks for the great writing; this kind of stuff breathes life into SW and minimizes the commercialization. This stuff is so rich it needs to have a publisher...

Blogger Frisbee Girl said...


I, also, repsectfully beg to differ with your opinion. Not only do imaginations not get flexed nearly enough, but one of the most truly magical experiences is collaborative creativity. I can think of few things in life that provide as much mirth and wonder in the process and end result.

Or perhaps that sounds too much like an invitation to join the "Dark Side"? ;D


Thanks so very much for sharing and allowing us to come here and play. What a complete joy and absolute inspiration to read and experience as it has unfolded. *claps with glee and appreciation* The world's a bit of a richer, warmer place for it. YAY us!

Blogger Jonnny_da_boss said...

Good blog and v. interesting. but you could have made it shorter

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What are you doing Darth Vader? Someone could find a weakness through all this and you could be destroyed! have i not taught you enough?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anakin, you have never known death yet it is your acquantince. How can you live with yourself? You were supposed to be the chosen one but i realize now that you were not. The dark side is getting weaker every day. you probably see now that you made the mistake, but you do not admit, instead you follow your orders from Sedious: the chanceller. you cannot leave and cannot stay. i do not know where you failed me.

Blogger Parang Boi said...

Lord Vader,

A pleasure reading your dark blog.. I wonder why u still are with the Emperor.. Like you said to your late wife, u are more powerful than him. i can't believe that you are still with him..

Your truly
Parang Boi, mercenary

P.S. Call me if you need a bounty hunter(since Boba is dead) and i thought i saw Luke on Tatooine again.. You better check that out..

Anonymous Anonymous said...

May the Force be with you, my liege

Anonymous Anonymous said...

All great and mighty Supreme Evilness,

I am but a lowly and humble servant that has one question for you: When do you find the time to write? It would seem to this low and unworthy servant that between doing thy Master's bidding, crushing the trachea of those stupid enough to oppose your Evilness, dealing with the pesky Rebel problem, and not to mention family problems, it would be hard to find time to write your memoirs. Please take care that you do not overtax yourself.

Your humble and lowly servant, who asks, "Please don't crush my trachea!"

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hola i from argentina south america (maradona) very funny this darh vader jaja,. ´my question is? who is your father vader??? i see you next time.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"If only those in the rebel cause could see that the real 'villain' was never Vader, just Sidious throughout. I'm afraid having read these log entries that Obi Wan's claim that you are more machine than man are a little misguided."

Vader is a very real villain despite the fact that he cares about his relatives. Hitler loved his dog and all, so get over it. To love and admire such characters is perverse.

"Anakin Skywalker. What a guy."

I'm not so sure about the greatness of Anakin's character, either. Gifted he was but that was just luck in the genetic lottery. As a kid and as an adolescent he was a pretty decent person. He was spoiled by misguided authority figures who relentlessly bloated his ego by telling him he was going to become some demi-god. As a result, he later evolved more and more into a self-righteous and arrogant bastard. Character-wise Anakin was a pretty regular guy overall despite his shortcomings. Anakin never actually wanted to protect anyone but those who mattered to him. Really nothing to write home about.

Too bad for him no doctor prescribed him Prozac to cool his hot emotions. That would've saved an awful lot of people an awful lot of trouble. The fact that good ol' Obi-Wan mutilated him and left him to roast served him exactly right. The freak Vader would've been just as cruel without that.

Blogger God_Aries said...

Nice writing! Keep up the good work! =)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good until the end where he leaves the tavern a'la Han Solo...STUPID!

Blogger Brad said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the Darth Side. We linked to it at our message board, and everyone has really liked it.

Blogger angel1980 said...

some great things im reading, i could sit here for hours reading this, mine is not much compaired to your site. great read. thanks for the entertainment

Blogger A-Nobody said...

you have too many comments man! sniffle i have nones and yea star wars
coment here >[ ]<

Anonymous Anonymous said...

pathetic piece of writing by a maniac convulsing in spasms of insanity

Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy moly ...

Blogger Gwen said...

Respectfully speaking, my lord, if his excellency finds out that you are blogging company secrets, he may do a bit of trachea-crushing of his own. After all, shortly after blogging was first invented, a man working for a computer company called Microsoft was fired, and that was back when there was only one colonized planet and killing was considered illegal, not merely in bad taste.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,Sir,
Your son Luke Skywalker deserves to die.He is weak and a homosexual.The man does nothing but wine all the time and complains about everything.I say let the Emperor kill him and do us all the favor of getting rid of the galaxy's weakest link'.

your's forever


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not whiny or gay, bitch! Why does everyone say I'm whiny ? One little blowup on tatoonie and everyboday things I'm whining, well i'm most surly not whiny.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Done :D

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scientology is way cooler that Star Wars !

Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...


I am so pleased to make your acquaintance. I decided to drop Darth Maul; something tells me that your evil is better than his. Keep the faith, man. You have a devoted following.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


You are so cool.

I'm glad you did the right thing in the end and tossed that tosser, Palpatine, down the energy shaft.

Once again, you are the cool.

Blogger Redscowl said...

The Vader thing highly appeals to me. Apart from that, I can't help but appreciate your template :)

But oh, how I'd love to blog long posts like you do. Is it just an imagination thing?

Blogger Unknown said...

nice blog,rock man!!

Blogger marissa said...

That really wonderful my darling :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn't the blonde midshipman remind you of Luke?

Just curious,& M'Lord,I don't mind using anger & killing people who don't diserve it. I can use the Force a little bit.Please type back! I live in the Coruscant Motel in room #479. Just in case you change your mind.

Your loyal servant,FightingWolf.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth Vader's character is not that bad, actually.

Anonymous Baseball Pins said...

Luuukkeeeee....I am your fatheerrrrrrr.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

attached to this notice is the 1099 short form, which is the “Planet Name Change” form. Once completed, and signed mind you, we can begin the (tedious) process of having your planet name correctly augmented in the Imperial Library records.



Post a Comment

<< Home