Author Chester Burton Brown
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown


Ewok Cook-Out

Touring the forest moon. Getting back to nature. Singing around the bonfire.

Wondering whither Luke Skywalker. Musings on my reign to come.

I have spent the day touring our facilities on the Sanctuary Moon from which we emit the invisible energy-condom that protects the still incomplete Death Star orbiting above. This world is an explosion of life, every inch teeming with creeping vines and scurrying insects and rustling leaves. Our tour ended up at the stormtrooper garrison where General Veers was hosting a barbecue.

"Have you tried one of these Ewoks, m'lord?" asked Admiral Piett, offering me a crisp kebab. "Delectable!"

Veers himself was surrounded by a cadre of identical troopers holding their helmets in one hand and their drinks in the other. "Lord Vader!" Veers greeted me. "I'm so glad you could join us. Did somebody get you an Ewok?"

"I'm fine, just fine," I assured him. "Your forces seem to be in excellent shape, General."

"Thank you, my Lord," he smiled. "Have you met Lieutenant Twenty-Six? He's responsible for the new drills we've been using to tighten up the scout platoons."

"How do you do?" I said, shaking the cloned trooper's hand briefly. He nodded respectfully. To Veers I quipped, "How do you tell them apart?"

Everyone had a good laugh over that.

While the men kibbitzed I took a stroll through the nearby glen. I cannot remember the smell of the world anymore, but with my boots stepping through the bracken underbrush and with the dappled sunlight playing over my helmet I can almost fathom was it was like to know scent.

Twigs snapped and I paused. Animals were about -- animals with minds. When I closed my eyes I could discern their wispy spirits sparkling behind the glow of the thoughtless canopy. They had smelled the meat of their kin and it set their hearts racing, dreaming of revenge. But they scampered before my shadow. I moved on, pushing through the bush.

I came to a rise overlooking a shallow ravine in which was situated the auxiliary entrance to the shield generator bunker. I considered: why a back door?

When I returned to the clearing I asked General Veers about it. "The Emperor specified it," he told me. "As you can see, my Lord, the auxiliary entrance lies just to the west of that rocky cache. His Excellency has commanded me to station a legion of walkers behind the ridge at all times..."

"Go on, General."

"Loath as I am to speculate, my Lord, I can only assume the Emperor is baiting a trap for rebel spies."

The General may be on to something, for there is movement in the Force. Even now I sense a restlessness in the galaxy, a yearning of hyperspace to eject matters on our very threshold. I meditated on this growing disturbance as the men stuck a fresh Ewok on the spit and lowered it over the fire.

"Doesn't that smell great?" whistled Lieutenant 26.

The sun set and the party became more boisterous. Several of the men took turns leading the others in rounds of song. I declined when asked, but made a special request for the classic popular anthem Burn, Rebel, Burn which they took up with enthusiasm. In listening to the lyric carefully I developed a theory that the song may in fact be ironic, but I am a bad judge of such things: from my point of view most popular music these days seems to be a joke on its audience.

"Where's Moff Jerjerrod?" I asked.

"Back on the Death Star crying because no one invited him," chuckled Admiral Piett, his arm around his new yeoman.

"Does nobody like that guy?"

General Veers shook his head emphatically and everybody laughed. I knew where they were coming from. The man is annoying. If the Emperor himself had not forbidden me from crushing Jerjerrod's trachea with my mind I can assure you today's barbecue would also have been a merry wake.

The air was alive with the chirping of insects.

I looked upon the bonfire blazing into the forest night and felt a shiver run down my spine and into my cybernetics, though I know not why...

Now I have returned to the Death Star to finalize preparations for arrival tomorrow of my master Darth Sidious. I know he blinds me to his designs in the affairs that the Force tells me are threatening to unfurl here at Endor, and it makes me feel so very alone. Can it be that yet another man who has pretended at being a father forsakes me?

I am too willing to stand in another man's shadow, to win his approval.

Tomorrow I shall pierce his fog with my focused vision when he comes here. I shall know his mind and yet mine will remain a placid pond to him, the mirror surface giving no hint of what eddies churn within.

Too long have I been the learner. I must now prepare myself for my future, when I am the Dark Master. I cannot afford to be negative -- I have to know Luke will turn. He will come to study the Sith way from me. It is the only interpretation of the prophecy that makes sense!

Though I have devotedly worked for his love and bowed to his reign, I admit to you I will smile when Palpatine dies. My whole life I have waited to stop being somebody's padawan.

I am ready for bed. I have to stop journaling. Big day tomorrow. And yet...I sense something -- a perturbance in the Force I have not felt since...

Deep in space, I feel the strings of the Force grow taut. The Emperor is not the only gifted one traveling to this moon. There is another. Skywalker!

They come together to clash, and thereby make me Emperor.

Soon this will be Darth Vader's galaxy, and the people will willingly raise statues of my gargoyle face in celebration of an era of stability and order like no other the worlds have ever known.

In anticipation of portraiture, I applied a fair gob of Boba Fett's new skin cream before I clapped off the light and lay down to sleep, the air whistling soothingly through the ventilators of my hyperbaric chamber.


Anonymous Anonymous said...



Anonymous Stormtrooper tx527 said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Did they use any of that Corellian BBQ sauce at the cookout last night. I hear it's great with ewok.

Your Loyal Servant

Blogger kra_xi said...

v good...

me recommend Cream de la Mer as face cream of choice.

May the Force be with u.

Blogger Monkey King said...

3rd post... I feel special. ;-)

Good job dude.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"the people will willingly raise statues of my gargoyle face "


Anonymous Lengra said...

Dear Lord Vader,

It will not be a Vader's galaxy I'm afraid but a Skywalkers' one.

Respectfully yours,

Blogger MC said...

ur gd lord vader...

Anonymous Tefnut said...

Hmmm... I wonder what songs the Dark Lord wouls have wanted to hear... or if he would have participated if he had partaken in some of that Sith wine...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Truly, it is a shame to see the blog approaching its inevitable end. This is some of THE BEST that the internet has to offer.

Anonymous Captain Arrowway said...

Lord Vader,

Myself and my fellow officers aboard the Star Destroyer Incinerator love your blog. It's often a primary topic of conversation in the wardroom and by the water cooler. I've always wanted to comment, but the responsibilities of crushing the insignificant Rebellion take up so much of my time. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway, I was wondering - do repeated references to Admiral Piett's...uh..."yeoman" quite possibly violate the Galactic Empire's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy? Clearly those of us in the fleet realize that what one does in the privacy of one's own command quarters is their business, but I would hate for someone to use Piett's...uh...relationship against him should he take other commands.

Heard you've been doing great things bringing up the efficiency of the Death Star. Keep up the good work!

Always your fan,

Captain Arrowway
Star Destroyer Incinerator

Blogger Tim said...

I am glad that the morale of your men is a priority for you. For some reason, I didn't imagine that morale was such a concern for you.

Anonymous Miss Piggy said...

You didn't think to ask me to be your date at the BBQ? Hmmp!

Blogger Joel d. Hathaway said...

Dear Mr. Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith, Son of the Emperer's Right Hand, and Galiant Rev. of the Your Ancient Religion,

By the approval of the Association of Colored (and furry) Little-people Union (ACLU), we would like to remind you of the senates passage of the "Minimum intelligence Act" defending that "any creature under three feet, warranting evolutionary potential of eventual cognition" should be, at all costs, "be allowed to remain unharmed, unhindered, and at liberty to reproduce." As you may or may not be aware--being that you're big and have no fur and so probably don't pay attention to the actions of the senate with regard to the ACLU--you are currently in violation of this and about a dozen other ACLU, senate-passed bills.

May I please encourage you, for your own sake and the sake of your precious Death Thing, to cease and desist in your actions again the Ewoks. Might I further suggest that, instead of eating them, you go so far as to take some for pets on your Death Thing, being as they are good hunters and will gladly help in eradicating rats, moles, Mynock, and other burrowing creatures. Not to mention, it has been proven by a recently study conducted by the Department of Peace and Good Mental Health (whose offices are located "where you are for your special needs"), that petting an Ewok, tickling it behind its ears, and rubbing its belly, actually decrease stress without interfering with the Force. I merely suggest this as an option for your wrinkly master, the kindly regarded Mr. Emperor.

We, the universal members of the ACLU, gladly await your kind response. I do not make it my habit to warn creatures significantly taller than myself. However, we have some really small members who are, even now, in place to begin chewing on the wires of your Precious Death Thing. If you continue in your current violence against the Ewoks, we will have no choice but to begin the small, timely, but eventually effective work of un-wiring your space ball.

With many warm and kind, furry regards, your blessed supporters and gracious entities,

Jawa Ge-rew-rew
Chairman of the ACLU

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Tim,

Of course morale is important. Otherwise how can you expect a bunch of healthy young men to step into the line of fire and die for the greater good of the Empire?

While it is true that I often focus on negative reinforcement, I do have some appreciation of the benefits of more positive techniques.


D. Vader

Blogger NYPinTA said...

Sing it with me! 'Ewoks roasting on an open fire....' No? Oh well.

Your unending evilness makes my day! But I am so looking forward to saying 'I told you so.' :P

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Captain Arroway,

I am heartened that my transmissions do well by you and yours.

However, your words do not adequately convey to me the situation with regard to Imperial officers' bedroom secrets. You may need to rearticulate your comment in order to create a more evocative image.

They should've sent...a poet.


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Miss Piggy,

You were asked, but you kept getting all weird whenever I tried to stuff the apple back in your mouth. Remember?


D. Vader

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Jawa Ge-rew-rew,

I will try to use small words, in order to avoid bamboozling your primitive little brain.

The concerns of you and your kind are so far beneath my contempt it strains my faculties to discern the microscopic squeak of your adorable but wholly ineffectual organization.

Please feel free to kiss my sharries at your earliest convenience.


D. Vader

P.S. This Ewok pillow I am now sitting on is amazingly soft. It squirms too much, though, so I look forward to its eventual starvation.

Blogger GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

I love this blog!

Anonymous Scott said...

Such wisdom! First we learn the ways of parenting from the Dark Lord, then of course we are constantly eductaed in the best manners of management styles. But not satisfied with passing that volume of knowledge to us common folk now this great man passes along his volume of cooking skills to us! We are truely blessed by the Dark Lord of the Sith!

Blogger Dave said...

I absolutely LOVED this part:

My whole life I have waited to stop being somebody's padawan.

Very insightful.. even if not in the actual movies, it fits!

Great work.

Blogger Joel d. Hathaway said...

Persuant: 39th Century Fox Films
Defendant: The man calling himself “Darth Vader.”

In accordance with the USPTO Patent and Trademark office, on Earth, in the Sol system, sector 95.67, you are being notified as having encroached upon a trademark name, registered to the Foundation for the Continuation of the Memory of George Lucas (c. 21st century, earth). The name “Darth Vader” was registered with the USPTO in the late 20th century. Due to your failure to hire a patent lawyer before using the name, you are being sued for a lump sum of 50 Billion credits. This sum, while significant, we believe is barely enough to recoup damages caused by the encroachment of your neglect upon this trademarked name. These damages include, but are not limited to:

1. Having to re-brand the “Darth for Children” theme park located on the out-of-the-way planet of Ord Mandel. Due to your neglect, parents no longer consider this a park safe for their children.
2. Loss of revenue due to negligent abuse of the “Darth Vader” name.
3. Loss of revenue due to other “Darth Vader” products
4. Legal fees associated with the recouping of this case.
5. The goodwill nature of the Foundation for the Continuation of the Memory of George Lucas

Jurisdiction of this case has been assigned to the Wayne County District Court of Appeals, located on the corner of Main and 2nd street, Waynesboro, Mississippi on the planet Earth, System Sol. Judge Willma Jean Johnson will be presiding.

If you have questions, please file them with our office or the clerk of court. Failure to respond to this summons will result in a sanctioning of all pay, confiscation of all personal property, including but not limited to your Death Star, your Super Star Destroyer, your lightsaber, and the small cabin home you purchased behind the Emperors back on the planet Endor.

We look forward to a satisfactory resolution to this filing.


John J. Jones, LLP.
Offices of Jones, Jones, and More Jones (a family firm for over 10 millennia).

Blogger Alena said...

Most heartful greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Curious minds want to know--what is the first thing that you plan to do upon becoming the new Emperor of the galaxy?

Your adoring fan, as always,

Anonymous Bard X said...

Dear Darth,

Someone send for a poet?

If you wore your helmet upside down
would the silly sight make you look like a clown?

Don't you think it's odd that you wear a cape?
You must have a back like a hairy ape!

Stop shouting out to your one-armed boyee
cuz you're the baddest brotha' in the galaxy!

(You wear black for a reason, right? I mean, it's not exactly the "new khaki"...fight the power!)


Anonymous Johsan Canew said...

My most esteemed Lord Vader:

Lately I have been working out and doing a lot of running. Remembering how my heart pumps hard and my lungs burn as I race around the track, I thought of you.

I'd like to be sensitive but, aren't you essentially a one arm handicapped man that gets carried around in a robotic wheelchair with legs? Although you could be seen as an inspiration for handicapped people, specially soldiers maimed in war, I think that you need to take better care of what's left of your body.

How old are you? Early fifties? What fitness regiment do you follow? Crushing tracheas does not seem to be an aerobic exercise. Get on a bike, exercise your upper legs, lift weights with your one arm. Your last fight with Obi-Wan was dreadful; it was like watching a blind man fighting an old english actor. You need to do better if you are going against your son again.

Respectfully Yours.

Anonymous Dr. Romay said...

Respectable Lord Vader,

I unite with Alena's curious minds in wanting to know: what is the first thing that you plan to do upon becoming the new Emperor of the galaxy?

For ever thankful, your dedicated reader,

Dr. C. Romay

PS Great question, Alena!

Blogger Lord Muffin of the Land of Eggy Goodness said...

Why do you persist in portraying the Stormtroopers as Clonetroopers? There are very few Clonetroopers left by the end of the galactic civil war, and none of them hold active staions within the Stormtrooper legions; with the possible exeption of a few senior officers and academy intructors.

They are, by now, too old to be Stormtroopers.

Anonymous Homer said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm curious as tho how you prefer your BBQ'ed Ewok. Aldaaraan-style pulled Ewok, Tattooine-dried Ewok ribs, or Mustafar-smoked Ewok brisket?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blogger Dakiwiboid said...

Dear Lord Vader,

I hesitate to point this out,
but, alas, you've made a small typo in today's entry. You wrote "wither" where you meant to say "whither". I'm certain, of course, that you wish to know WHERE your son is, rather than how he's shriveling.

Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Dakiwiboid,

Thank you.


D. Vader

Anonymous Obi-Wan Kenobi said...

Lord Vader,

I should be more suprprised than I am. Eating a sentient being? You have much to learn about the living Force, my young Padawan.

Regarding my quality time with your son. He now knows the truth and it will be your undoing. It is my fondest wish that he turns you and Palpatine into crispy bite size morsels and feed them to the Ewoks. Right now the mere thought of it brings a smile to my face.

Your continued silence towards me will not detour me from annoying you in everything that you do. I told you that if you struck me down that I'd become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. You should have listened. What else is new?

It's still not too late, Anakin. Join Luke, and save yourself before it reall is too late.

Your Master Tormentor,

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Blogger trinamick said...

Lord Vader,

Just a small cooking hint for your information. A Cajun pepper rub before placing Ewoks on the spit will bring out the flavor and seal in the juices.

Sincerely yours,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "They should've sent...a poet." comment to Captain Arrowway is PRICELESS!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

[translated from Ewok language by B3PT, Imperial Protocol Droid from the Bureau of Primitive Species]

[Hello!] "big-evil-black-head",

You evil. We [will] avenge Ewoks eated.

We [will] eat "white-face" we find forest.

Shaman speak wisdom words to all tribe: stone and sticks broke "white-face" bones.

"white-face" heads [will] be good "drum-drums".

We make war.

Anonimous Ewok Tribe War-Chief

Anonymous Jillster said...

Barbecue -- best think I've ever heard of to do with an Ewok.

Too bad there wasn't a Jar Jar cookout in Episode I.

Anonymous anonymous2 said...

I've heard bbq Gungan tastes like chicken....

Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Feeling a bit peckisk? Got a hankerin' for sentient brisket? Ewoks have natural self-marinating properties. Slightly used Ewoks. Cheap!

Anonymous Lorelai said...

Oh Lord can you be so mean as to eat cute fuzzy Ewoks? I am saddened. Alas, I can't make everyone feel the same as I do.

I enjoy your blog very much and look forward to your next entry.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

To: Lord Vader
From: Imperial Intelligence Corps

My Lord we are receiving reports from across the galaxy. It is our belief that the Rebels are up to something big. The Empire should be put on Pan-Galactic Security alert level Orange. Unsubstantiated rumors are flying in about the potential of a suicide bombing mission against your Current Project. Might we suggest a no-hyper space zone within a three light-year radius of your present location? Due to budgetary and staffing cut backs at IIC we no longer have ground assets of previous strength. Our intel operatives inside the rebellion are no longer trustworthy. We recommend that all precautions are taken in the advancing weeks.

On the bright side Analyst # T-1138 still maintains his recent premonition regarding the Ewoks on the Endor moon. His rantings of “Kill the CARE-BEAR Army!!” have begun to increase. If this continues I’m sorry to state but our unintentional humorist will have to be, for lack of a better term, Vadered. The act of having one’s trachea crushed. Hopefully you will make time for his during one of your many remote Holo Trachea crushing affairs. Those really help with personal motivation and speedy career advancement.

Lt. Solo

PS- Again, no relation to that rebel scum.

Anonymous argan0n said...

Your typist is at it again M'Lord. They should pay their dues in the cold currency of trachea's... Or mix it up and crush a larynx or two this time.

Last paragraph.
potraiture == portraiture.
Correct, no?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you have my stapler. Could you return it please? I will burn this Death Star down if I have to.


Blogger kimmy said...

Lord Vader,

When you decide you need a copy appears you have several applicants. Sheesh... Perhaps you should ask them to try typing with leather gloves on and see how well they handle it.



Blogger John said...

mi'lord, if i may be so bold as to suggest, perhaps it would not be wise to write the little creatures off so easily. while it would be preposterous to suggest that a planet full of primitive "teddy bears" could defeat the might of the Imperial Army, perhaps it would be prudent to fumicate the planet at the earlist operturnity{sp}? better safe then sorry, as the old expression goes

{OOC: ewok BBQ. i love this blog.}

Anonymous Megan of Anglesey said...

Lord Vader:

I respectfully implore you to kill the emperor now, when you have a chance to take over. I have forseen the results of your current path and while it does involve a touching reconciliation between father and son, I must warn you that it will not be he who capitulates. And I fear you will die, my lord.

Please, save the Empire! Save yourself! And to depose Palpatine will undoubtedly allow the misguided Rebels- including your son, my lord- to see your superiority.

Don't let go... I think I'm a little bit in love with you.

With all due respect,
Margaret Aquaceaterra Plantageneta, Duchess of Anglesey and Mage of the Dark Side

Blogger Fuzzball said...

This is one of the best entries yet. You have touched on a part of Vader that George Lucas never dreamed of...

Blogger j00|{z said...

Aw, Vader, Why'd you have to eat an Ewok? They're all animals with *lives*! Animals have rights too!

Chewie rules. Please don't blow up his planet.

Anonymous argan0n said...

Dear little kimmy,

Why on earth would you assume that I don't type in leather m'dear?
Sheesh bak-atcha! ;)


Anonymous Dilbert said...

Very happy to hear you're going to stand up to that obviously manipulative, back-stabbing jerk of a boss of yours. Employee loyalty is a fine thing in theory, I'm sure, but enough is enough. Don't forget to let us all know how it went!

Oh, and my dog says to communicate his admiration and best wishes (although in all honesty I'm not sure to whom).

Blogger kimmy said...


Made from Ewok hides, of course?

Most apologetic for the incorrect assumption.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder what they had for desert.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heya Darth!

I'm havin' a cookout this weekend and I'm lookin' forward to tryin' some ewok steaks. Any idea where I can find some?

I've already got panda, bald eagle, snow leopard, and baby seal on the menu, but I'd like to add somethin' exotic.

I heard of a bird called a dodo but when I ask the guys at work where I can get one they just start laughing. I'm startin' to think they don't exist. If you hear anything let me know.

Thanks a bunch!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader, do be very careful to hide your true feelings toward the Emperor. Keep in mind, he almost certainly ascended to the rank of Sith Master by destroying his predecessor, and will be watching carefully to avoid the same fate.

I believe your best strategy would be to let him continue to believe that your ambitions are fulfilled as his padawan, until he becomes distracted (as seems inevitable) during the fruitless terrorist attack on the new station. Then strike him down from behind, while his precognitive faculties are still focussed on the rebels.

Just a humble suggestion. Please don't crush my trachea.

- anonymous to avoid Imperial "intervention"

Anonymous The Curious One said...

Lord Vader,
I fail to understand how you cannot see the ewoks as a possible threat. They are at just the right height that they could bite your testicles off if they had a mind to. I also sense that they are a feisty bunch so i recommend wearing a cup from now on.

I am curious if you have any friends among your troops. Bobba Fett set aside, of course. I am not an obsessed fan, or a strange Darth Vader "wanna-be" but am simply curious.

Also i wonder how you plan to convince your son to join you. He has spent good amout of time with the rebellion and so I think his mind would be pretty set against you. However you are the one wit the superior mind control abilities and so probably more convincing.
just curious
~Anna~ Part-time Warrior Princess/ Prostitute

Blogger Heather Meadows said...

Lord Vader,

Respectful greetings from a galaxy far far away, in your distant future. (We are only just now receiving your transmission. It seems futile to respond, given the fact that you and everyone about which you've written are surely dead by now, but perhaps this "Force" of yours can transcend both time and space?)

I am extremely interested in the "prophecy" you mentioned briefly in this post. I hope you will indulge us with more information and further analysis.

Either way, I wish you luck in your endeavors. I understand how frustrating it is to always be subordinate to others, especially when those others are so obviously inferior. Throw off your shackles! There are quite a few of us out here rooting for you.

Best wishes to you and yours.

Anonymous Associate Producer said...

Dark Lord you have really out done yourself this time. Have you perhaps considered a career writing for one of those late night talk shows on the holonet?

Blogger Julesanity said...

George Lucas is a genius - may the force be with you.

Blogger j00|{z said...

What do they taste like? I'm guessing a cross between apple cider and scrambled eggs.
Please come back to the dark side, Anakin! We miss you! You probrably don't know but you will become purple and bald!

Blogger Chewbacca said...

Graahhhh! Your roasting of the denizens of the forest moon brings a rage to my Wookiee blood! Yet,I cannot help but laugh at the idea of one rotating on a spit over a nice fire. Soon the Empire's time will come and then we shall see who gets roasted over a nice fire!


Anonymous Darth Nexus said...

My Lord, thank you for explaining why you have not crushed Moff Jerjerrod trachea. Now I know. Im anticpating the events of tomorrow, and what your view of them will be, it sounds like you have quite the busy day. Best of luck to you

Darth Nexus

Anonymous Peonly said...

Vader, addicted to the dark side you are.

Consumed with passion you are.

No, the blogger of the future, make the deepest commitment they must.

In too big of a hurry you are.

Always looking to the future...never with your mind on where you are...what you are doing.

Too old to begin the training. Not ready you are.

Ready I am, patience with training I am. I am 14. Study I do. Grow up with computer I have. Hmmmm....

Grow up with computer, you have not.

Padawan I am. Knowledge of my weakness is the strength I have.

Ignorance of your weakness, cause your irrelevance it will.

Destiny. Destiny I have to replace you. Cultivate truth, honor, integrity and knowledge I do. Sense these things in you I do not. Cloudy you are. Mocking you are.

Search you feelings. Know I am right, you do.

Yes, yes, glimpse the future you do.

See your kind pass, I will.

Bring balance to the blogforce I will.

Blogger Corax said...

Lord Vader,

I must thank you for the advice regarding my boss. The other day he asked after my progress on the data analysis for our latest project. Gathering my concentration, I looked straight into his eyes and waved my hand. "You never assigned these SNP sets to me. Move along." There was a momentary look of bewilderment on his face before he shuffled back to his cube. Since then, I haven't heard a word from him about the data. In fact, he's been walking around in a bit of a daze, and just this morning he sent the group a note saying that our usual meeting on Friday has been cancelled for this week.

I'm unsure what exactly it is that I've done to him, but I'm not going to question it too much. Tomorrow I'll see if I can get away with knitting a scarf in his cubicle and rearranging his cactus collection. When I am more secure in my mind-control skills I will work on converting myself to a permanent position and getting generous raises on a regular basis. And I'll owe it all to you!

Yours truly,

Blogger Daqenue said...

-stares at kra_xi-

You don't wish the Force is with the Lord. It is.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Knights of the Old Republic > Eps 1&2

Anonymous Anonymous said...

To all the commentors with dire warnings and seemingly unnatural knowledge of the future, I have one thing to say to you:

Please note down next week's winning Imperial Lotto numbers and email them to me. I need the creds.

You know who I am.

Anonymous argan0n said...


Made from Ewok hides, of course?

Oh most definitely my dear. How wonderful of you to notice!

I feel the hardy, yet delicate skin about their sqwat tibia's are best used as a good set of index finger sheathes. Do try it if given the chance.


Anonymous Peonly said...


Strike me down and I will become more powerful than even you can imagine.

Spell your name right, I will.

Blogger Darth Sidious said...

Little do you know,

The ewoks will be using your helmet as a drum.
The force has revealed much to me.

Anonymous ashlan said...

Too funny by many measures. I read this from work -- nearly, if not equally, as dangerous as reading Gaiman/Pratchett's 'Good Omens' on the train.. but that's another story. Excellent, mfdh:) You paint your pictures well; your scene played in my mind:)

"Doesn't that smell great?" whistled Lieutenant 26.

Anonymous ashlan said...

"His mind ignores me,
wreaking hate where love's explored ~
hidden anger seethes"

Traditional haiku by Stormtrooper 1056983 entitled simply: 'The Darth I Knew And Loved'. Excerpt taken from 'Love In The Stars' - Last moments aboard the Death Star. Publishers thank Boeing's BlackBox [tm] for making these memories possible. There is so much we may not have known! 'Love In The Stars' now available from PanGalactic Publishers, in all good book stores.

Anonymous Luke said...

You can use this blog to trick me but it won't work! You are NOT my father and you will NEVER be! I will revenge my father yet!

Anonymous Imperial Police Force Officer Lane 94382 said...

Lord Vader

On 13.44.37 AE, your Imperial Destroyer (license number "0BLACK1") was detected as having committed the following offense under the transgalactic transportation code:

Sec. 18a(v) i.iv sub(9): Unauthorized route change midstream during hyperspace within minimum (32 light year) range of other hyperspace vehicle.

It is Imperial code that you need to confirm without delay the identity of the driver of said vehicle. The courts reserve the right to prosecute you under Sec. 18a(v) i.ive sub (9) to the full extent of the law if your confirmation of driver identity is not received within 48 hours of this notice. While this does not serve as a notice of impending litigation, your action and cooperation is required immediately.

You are instructed to revert with the requested information by subether email using standard Imperial encryption to: offenses@zone80233.IPFTD.emp

Officer 94382 Imperial Police Force Traffic Division

Note: it is unlawful and punishable under criminal prosecution to allow minors, unlicensed cyborgs, and pre-cog beings to pilot moving vehicles.

Don't drink and drive.

Blogger Taclobanon said...

Dear Vader:

We're having gungans for dinner sunday. Care to join us?

Blogger Bakilas Lamort said...

Classic, just pure classic. This is the sort of blogs that keep me reading and posting. Keep up the good work Darth.

Anonymous Trooper THX-1139 said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Popular culture takes so long to cross the vastness of the galaxy that I'm afraid that the lyrics to the song "Burn, Rebel, Burn" have not made it as far as this sector.

Do you have a copy of the lyrics so that I can lead my squad in a stirring rendition of this song the next time we're on survival exercises?

Trooper THX-1139

Blogger Christy said...

That is disgusting!!! How could you do such a cruel thing to those poor, cute, little teddy bears?! I am repulsed. You have gone too far.

Anonymous SithSnoopy said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Have you had a chance yet to peruse my resume?
I understand you are a very busy person.

Also, I too am worried about your upcoming
confrontation with your boss. I understand totally
that you do not wish to be forever a padawan...
but I also fear for your continued survival. I
especially would like to see the Empire existing
under your rule, but I am afraid the risk is too
great should you choose a direct confrontation.

I'd say wait it out, the bugger has got to die soon
anyway of natural causes, but I understand that
your boss seems to have an unnaturally long
lifespan, considering how old I understand he
appeared over 20 standard years ago.

Please be careful.

Oh, and I also would love to hear your plans for the
Empire under your rule!

Your adoring fan,


P.S. I understand that Ewok's are also good in
stir-fry dishes. :)

Anonymous Gullyborg said...

Lord Vader,

As an enthusiastic chef, I am eager to try Ewok. Would you please consider submitting your favorite Ewok recipe to the Carnival of the Recipes?

mail to recipe dot carnival at gmail dot com.


Gullyborg of "Resistance is futile"

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a nice blog!
Congratzz ;)
Stay well

Anonymous the all knowing one said...

dearest luke,
i believe you ment to say avenge rather then revenge

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fascinating. Who would think Darth Vader uses the clapper.

Blogger Kali said...

An era of order..? There will always be chaos. That is the way the universe is made. No matter of force and obedience will change that, Vader. What you are doing will crush this galaxey. There are somethings that this universe cannot be- orderly and stable. I believe that you are making a mistake, Darth Vader. As for eating Ewoks? Though I don't approve, make sure there're very thoroughly skinned because their fur? Getting some of that down your throat is like feathers.
Go vegetarian. You can't beat tofu.

Anonymous Dark Matter Watcher said...

Lord Vader,

Every Jedi knew the cycles of civilization, and every Jedi knew an age of barbarism was nigh. And yet they did nothing
End Quote

You may not remember, as you were too young. The Jedis actually prepared the new age.

Qui-Gong-Yi has completed the task ordered by his master. He has trained a child not in age to begin a Jedi training. The point of this was to raise the one that should bring balance to the Force. As his master said: "Only two of them there are". You actually let only two on each "side" of the Force. They both planned and prepared the coming of the Darth era.

We can step further to think that Yoda anticipated the ascention of Darth Sidius as a grim emperor, and planned the only way to destroy him. YOU. Raised under Jedi supervision, and planted into the Sith, to finally bring an end to them.

Think about it in the solitud of your pod, withuot the veil of your mask. If it comes to a death choice, who would you let die? Your hatred master or you son?

In the light of this supositions, think about what are you destined to ultimate archive. Could you be an instrument of the "bright side" of the force, to end the Darth Jedis?

So the Watcher spoke.

Anonymous L0GiX said...

For all who want to know how to serve Ewok here is the steps:

1 Get your ass to Endor. Be sure to bring serious firepower-- these little buggers are tenacious!
2 Wear good green forest camouflage, not day-glow white StormTrooper armor, or you're a sitting duck.
3 Set up a trap. Lie in wait in a hidden blind. Bait your Ewok with chum, a candy bar, a human head-- something sure to attract a hungry little furball.
4 Unload every round you've got into the sucker! They're TOUGH! Why, in a recent battle with the Empire, they beat an entire garrison and only lost a single Ewok! Be careful not to damage the tender flanks.
5 Remove any greasy, unsavory rags it may be wearing. Burn the fur off. Gut your prize! Keep the heart and liver, and take the head as your trophy. Seal the head in carbonite if available. Carefully cut your flank steaks!
6 Slap those steaks on the plasma grill and cook thoroughly-- raw Ewok is poisonous! Slather on the A1 sauce, garnish with Hutt-butter, and invite an Alderaanian to dinner!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Dark Lord,

Your blog has become a recent phenomenon here at the Imperial Military Academy. We quite enjoy reading and pondering upon the inner-musings of our dark lord, and take comfort in the fact that there is a human side to every masked paragon of purest evil. Truly M'Lord, you are an inspiration to us all, as well as a source of career advancement.

We must however address our main concern. While the thought of roasting the furry denizens of the Sanctuary Moon and reducing them to BBQ'd niblets is in itself quite entertaining, we must pose the question; "What do we do with the Ewok-Rights protesters?" The garrison commander here on Coruscant has tried shipping them off to the nearest storm-trooper training facility for use as target practice, but the numbers are just too great. Evidently the protesters are being organized under a shadow-organization, known only as PETA (Protesters against the Emperor's Treatment of Animals).

We fear that unless drastic measures are taken soon, the home of the Imperium's government will be overrun by treehugging hippies and bleeding hearts. Please sir, if you could spare some time, perhaps some long distance tracheal-realignments would be in order, they would be greatly appreciated. The Imperial heavy weapons brigades will arrive soon to mop up the remainders of the crowds, but we here at the Academy feel that a small ammount of gratuitous violence is in order to cleanse our memories of the horrors of the last few weeks. Unending chants of "Who would *DO* such a thing to Ewoks?!" make for the itchiest of trigger fingers, but standing orders at the garrison prevent us from wasting our ammunition.

Sincerely Yours,
-Cadet X11311 J'Borg

PS: We hope that the matter of the Imperial succesion is resolved soon. We look forward to hearing back from the rim. Long live the Emperor! (Whoever that ends up being.)

Anonymous Nitpicker said...

... perturbance in the force...

Should be:

... disturbance in the force...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

My personal congratulations-a journal like this is priceless.
I would just like to thank you for bringing the Dark Side to such fame.
Yours, SithlyShadowflamr

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The clone troppers you asked is the offiser could tell apart were not clone troppes at all most of the now stormtroppers are recriets from arcoss the galaxy not clone troppers {with the excetion of i few Groups}
Good Job though

Blogger Cristina said...

" If the Emperor himself had not forbidden me from crushing Jerjerrod's trachea with my mind.."


Anonymous Sith said...

Wow u can write so long ah i don boder 2 read lolz good job hope ur hand is not tired. May the force be with ya!!!!!!!!

Blogger MCF said...

what is the matter with you? you're crazy. but funny. keep it up.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader you are gorgeous in writing poeticaly!

P.S if you publish that you will get a reward for it

Blogger vampyrhuntr said...

ewok...the other white meat

Blogger vampyrhuntr said...

Ewok...the other white meat


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