Author Chester Burton Brown
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For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050509

Keep On Darthin' In The Free World


Been a while since my last entry. Lots of catching up to do.

Also, I have a brand new leg.

I do not know by what means these transmissions reach you, but if you have experienced a long hiatus on your end it is because I have been exceedingly busy lately. That is no real excuse, I know, especially since I have found speaking my thoughts into this journal so very cathartic. I apologize, and swear no such lapse will come again, as long as I shall live.

I am aboard the StarDestroyer Avenger, en route to the outlands of Mordell at the galactic rim -- but I started my morning on Coruscant. I was having my morning tea when the new girl came through to tell me the Emperor commanded my presence at the palace.

"Is your breakfast quite satisfactory, Lord Vader?" she asked.

It was not, but we shall let her next of kin worry about that.

Despite the light rain I elected to walk rather than take a transport, in no small part because I wanted to give my new left leg a bit of a go. It is such a relief to finally have good circuitry in place after suffering so long with that enigmatic malfunction that threatened to cause my calf to spontaneously jig if I let my attention wander. Now I feel whole again. Were it not for the necessity of maintaining an appropriate level of Imperial decorum I think I might have kicked up and clapped my heels.

My master, the Dark Lord Sidious and the Emperor called Palpatine, was also in a jaunty mood. The rain ran down the wide windows of his offices, drawing undulating sheets of translucent shadows that slithered across the floor toward the throne. "Yes, come in my friend!" called Sidious, rotating his chair away from the cityscape.

"What is your bidding, my master?" I asked, and then I noticed the Bothan nailed to the wall. "I did not know you had a guest," I added.

"Ah yes," cackled Sidious with a grin, "my Bothan friend and I have been discussing the location of the massing point for the Rebel Armada." He took his cane and walked over to the wall where his furry visitor hung. "It has been most enlightening," he enunciated crispy. The Bothan moaned.

"Splendid," I said. "Then I can resume my hunt?"

"Not yet, Lord Vader," sighed my master, shaking his wizened head beneath his cowl. "There remains yet one duty I bid you perform..."

And so my master appointed me the task of overseeing the final phases of activating the armaments of the New Order's greatest work of engineering: a new DEATH STAR, ten times more powerful than the first, a glorious rebirth of Tarkin's dream. (And this time we've built it without the need for a vulnerable secondary thermal exhaust port, right below the main port.) His Excellency demands that the weapons systems be fully operational even before the superstructure has completed construction, for reasons that remain his own.

It is not mine to wonder. I must obey my master.

Besides, I have always enjoyed engineering. I look forward to accomplishing the impossible, to the shock and awe of the low men. Mark my words: the first thing that snaggle-toothed moron Moff Jerjerrod will say is that it cannot be done. He will ask for more men. And then he will soil himself when I tell him the Emperor is due to arrive on Friday.

The richness of life is found in the small pleasures.


87 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovin it.

9.5.05  
Blogger stupid said...

Keep 'em coming. These updates are awesome.

9.5.05  
Blogger Craig said...

Darth, you take pleasure in the most twisted things... keep it up :)

9.5.05  
Blogger Dave said...

Excellent Lord Vader!

Keep up the great work.

9.5.05  
Blogger Dan Nugent said...

(OOC: Uh CheeseBurger, if I'm not mistaken, continuity states that there was about a year long gap between the events at Bespin and when Han Solo was rescued from Jabba the Hutt).

9.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Dan Nugent,

See Paragraph 3.

So...did you know I'm currently writing reading-comprehension tests for the education market and you're making fun of me, or did you honestly miss that passage?

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No offence meant here, but getting a new leg measured, made, and installed to the Dark Lord does take time. Not to mention the first tentative test making sure all is in working order.

These things have been know to take 2 years, but since it was Darth Vaders leg in question work was performed as quickly as possible. The 12 doctors worked as fast as they could even when 7 were stuck down. The remaininf 5 just buckled down and worked harder.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Padme's Haidmaiden said...

Sounds like you have a job opening. I make a mean Neimoidian tea!

9.5.05  
Blogger Benji said...

It just gets better and better

9.5.05  
Blogger Pablo said...

Yes, it's been a long time, Lord Vader. Nice to know you didn't lose your touch; or, should I say, your trachea-crushing stuff. Joy is in the small things. ;)

I'm rather relieved this post doesn't disclose your feelings as much as the last one. Although it's always nice to get in touch with a Dark Lord's feelings, I can't help but feel a bit awkward.

Which is why I think this one struck the right balance: it's subtle, but yet you tell us how you feel. Oh, and don't forget to lube your new leg. :)

An admirer,
Pablo

9.5.05  
Anonymous Neil Young said...

I'm wondering about your reference to my song in the title of this post....

I mean, I always appreciate it when people reference my stuff, but I do have a well known stance in imperialism. Being a fan of my music strikes me as incongruent with your image. Then again, this blog has been revealing.

As a Dark Lord of the Sith, I suppose in the privacy of your hyperbaric chamber you may listen to whatever you like wthout concern for what others may think. Frankly, it strikes me as a prerequisite for joining the Sith. I would only point out your posts mention other musical works you listen to which appear to be in neoclassical vein.

So, what's up with that? Does your helmet have a built in iPod? If so, maybe we should see your top 25 most played songs...

9.5.05  
Anonymous Moo = Cow said...

Not to be a spoilsport or anything, but I just realized this blog is coming to an end.

Unless Annie (lol) takes over.

9.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Moo = Cow,

All good things must end.

Turn, turn, turn.

COMING SOON:
* Journal of the brain-bug from 'Starship Troopers'
* The erotic confessions of Twiki from 'Buck Rogers'
* Daily musings of Snarf from 'The Thundercats'
* 'Bender's Guide to Etiquette'
* 'Papa Smurf's Corner of Wisdom'
And, of course,
* 'Megatron, We Hardly Knew Ye'

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

9.5.05  
Blogger Hybrid SUV Driver said...

Yes, all good things must come to an end. Hopefully, the entire content will be preserved in the imperial archives so we can all learn from the dark one for centuries to come.

9.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Greetings to you, Lord Vader,

What do you enjoy having for breakfast, anyhow? Curious minds want to know....


Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

9.5.05  
Blogger Patrick said...

Can someone get me the link to Vader's blog entries covering the events of the historical documentary commonly referred to as "A New Hope"?

9.5.05  
Anonymous ashlan said...

[dry_underwear]
"Were it not for the necessity of maintaining an appropriate level of Imperial decorum I think I might have kicked up and clapped my heels."
[/dry_underwear]

again, thanks mfdh:) the unavoidable end of your account of DV will be greatly mourned by us all... i am sure i, with many, will await your next projects!

might i suggest your humour would be very well suited to a Marvin-journal; and timely with the release of HHGG? ...the very very disappointing HHGG...

again, thanks, and stay well:)

9.5.05  
Blogger Kitlat said...

It's great to get the personal side of such a great leader as yourself.

9.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

So that's what you've been up to!

Well, we blew up the first, we'll blow up this one too...

9.5.05  
Blogger Ted said...

That's cool, keep up the great posts!

9.5.05  
Anonymous Chairman, CRIT said...

Lord Vader,

As chairman of the Emperor's Committee for the Repurposing of Terminology (CRIT), it is my duty to inform you that our focus groups show the term "Rebel Alliance" polls far too well for our enemy. While we have achieved much success in the past with "Rebel scum", that phrase tends to produce only chuckles and smirks from the new generation of cadets. The official term of choice is now "Rebel Conspiracy", which turns out to be highly effective, as it suggests the involvement of lawyers. Therefore, please desist in the use of the term "Rebel Alliance" henceforth.

Janus Vetchicle,
Chairman, CRIT

P.S.: As always, I am only the messenger ... Please do not crush my trachea with your mind.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Typical. The Chairman of the Committee for the Repurposing of Imperial Terminology doesn't even know the full name of his own committee.

9.5.05  
Anonymous T.Karde said...

[occ:It's a shame actually, I would have preferred a little behind the scenes insights to Shadows of the Emperor, I would love to know your feelings of Xixor and his elk, along with you thoughts on the continuing education of your son. Granted I like how you managed the "fast forward to the present" moment. Any chance you might slip mention of Mara in somewhere?]

I'm going to miss these little glimpses of your Psyche as I suspect the end of the war is at hand. It would seem that the rebellion is readying a do or die strike, as I'm sure your aware of. Plus I'm sure you and your son are about to have another reunion. You have to know though that Sidious doesn't have your best interests at heart. You recall how he hung Count Dooku out to dry in order to start you down the road to the dark side. Has it crossed your mind that he may sacrifice you in order to turn Luke? perhaps you should come up with a plan B.

9.5.05  
Anonymous BalRog said...

Brain-bug? Twiki? Bender? Megatron? Dude! You are thinkin', like, wa-a-a-ay too small!

Look, Cheeseburger-man. With your killer vibe in this blog you really oughta go after the Big Kahuna next. Yeah, that's right. I mean the eye-guy himself, SAURON!!

BTW, S, if you see this, I'm, like, a big fan! I mean, y'know, not like that stupid "I'm not worthy" stuff. I got some game of my own, y'know? But still, like, who-o-o-oa dude, you got GAME.

Anyhoo, that's all, bra'. Later.

-- BalRog
   Subbasement 753, Apt. A
   Mines of Moria
   Middle Earth, 23691

9.5.05  
Blogger Rousseau said...

When republished in a complete format, will you go back and tell us about Episode 4 as well?

9.5.05  
Blogger Albert L Berriz said...

Again, nice bloggin!

free cognition

9.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Tine said...

"...exhaust port, right below the main port."

Movie quotes. I love it!!

9.5.05  
Blogger RK said...

Interesting, as always...

RK

http://whowilldietoday.blogspot.com/

9.5.05  
Anonymous JimmyPopular said...

Your blog has illuminated many plot points for me that I never fully considered before. Thank you for your work on this.

9.5.05  
Blogger GemsOfKnowledge said...

One of my disciples came up with a new name for you...

Da-Earth In-Vader

9.5.05  
Anonymous Mercenary D said...

[All good things must end]

Damb.. I just found this station. I don't realy want to go back to turning the dial. This old piece of space debris is so hard to fine tune.

Keep up the good work!

9.5.05  
Blogger Harold J. Johnson said...

Oh, this is so hilarious. I mean, uh - thank you for your insights, Lord Vader. I read them with much pleasure.

9.5.05  
Blogger Paul Tomblin said...

Balrog, it's been done:
http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/sauron.html

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anderson said...

Lord Vader,
First of all, let me congratulate you on your new task. I trust that with the latest improvements, it will be a lot harder to attack.

With that said, I wish you the best of luck on being able to find your son.

Out of curiousity, it has been on my mind...what -is- the emperor like in person? I mean, when he's not really agitated by the Rebels. It's one thing I've wanted to know for a while and just never got to ask.

All the best, Lord Vader.

9.5.05  
Blogger James Bond said...

Full marks Lad, been enjoying your blog for a full day now and have been reading up. I have informed Mi-5 of your plans for the Rebel Alliance, unfourtunately here on earth we are busy trying to keep Nuclear Weapons away from Rogue Nations. We couldn't possibly fathom or imagine this new weaponry that you speak of. This Schock and Awe of a Death Star. My experiences in space have been with Lasers and have only been within 500 miles of earth's atmosphere. Also if any plans for invasion of earth please do so after Steven's Spielbierg new film "War of the Worlds" Perhaps Steven can give me some pointers on how to combat this death star.

Sincerely your's Commander Bond

9.5.05  
Anonymous Grammar Nazi said...

T.Karde said...

[I would love to know your feelings of Xixor and his elk]

I don't remember Prince Xizor having an elk.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Princess Leia said...

Hello, Lord Vader. As you can see, Luke, Lando, Threepio, Chewie, Artoo and I all got away. We are somewhere where you can't find us and we are now having a lot of laughs at your expense. You'll be happy to know that Lando does a killer impersonation of you--wheezing and all. What--you couldn't stay away from the cancer sticks when you were younger?

Your stuffed effigy makes a great punching bag and your face is now on a dart board. Or "Darth Board," I should say. Did I mention that the local comedy sketch programming mocks you on a regular basis? I should know because I was a guest host.

We're having more fun than you are. Ha ha!

9.5.05  
Blogger ATL_eagle said...

Lord Vader, I know you guys think of everything and have a sheild for the Death Star, but you may want to put an extra storm trooper or two on backdoor of the power generator on Endor. You'll thank me later.

9.5.05  
Blogger Wells said...

"Is your breakfast quite satisfactory, Lord Vader?" she asked.

It was not, but we shall let her next of kin worry about that.


That's your best one yet, keep it up Vader!

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A genuine delight: thank you

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is a compliment in my neck of the woods, so no one take offense....

y'all are a bunch of freaks!

9.5.05  
Anonymous Kosh N. said...

Yong Lord Vader;

Your admirations to your Master enslave you.
-Take charge, rule yourself, rule your world, or be a peon.

You will never know your true power (of the Force) as long as you remain subservient.

Amb. K. Naranek

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Xizor DID have elk. I think he bought them to woo Leia but had them transfered to his Skyhook when his protestations of princely love went unrequited.

He liked the way they sounded. Reminded him of home, in an erotic way.

Read about Vader's true son HERE

9.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Naska said...

Lord Vader,

I have officially had it. I am en route to this new "Death Star" now to teach you the final ways of the Dark Side. NOTHING WILL GET IN MY WAY.

Madder than ever,
Darth Naska
Retired Sith Lord

9.5.05  
Blogger Lola said...

I am enjoying these updates. Great writing...

9.5.05  
Anonymous anne said...

PDF

9.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Darth Vader jigs?
I'd pay to see that!

9.5.05  
Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Trachea hurts. Ewoks excrete natural analgesic substances. Slightly used Ewoks. Cheap!

--- bingorage

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great job, and keep on making these!

9.5.05  
Anonymous LtCol Jondd, Storm Commando Corps said...

ISB COMPUSEC ID: 1138-675-1425
TO: Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith
FROM: LtCol Jondd, Bently D.
Subj: Status of Missing Officer

Lord Vader,

Word has reached us that Colonel Crix Madine, our commanding officer, has gone missing. While we are quite aware that his duties often require that he take extended leave from us, a number of the junior soldiers are starting to question his where abouts. I am, quite simple, running out of excuses to tell them. If you have any information as to his status, I would appreciate such knowledge being passed on.

For the glory of the Empire.

LtCol Jondd, Bently D.
BN CO, XIII Battalion,
III Brigade, IX Division;
Storm Commando Corps

9.5.05  
Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Woohooo, I am a Jedi.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Jack's Shack,

That's so wizard!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

9.5.05  
Blogger Corax said...

Lord Vader,

Your blog is the bee's knees (and I'm loving the comments you get, too). I will second Alena's curiosity: what does the Dark Lord of the Sith have for breakfast? My current job may not last much longer if my manager catches me reading this blog at work again--by the way, I do happen to be a good cook...

-Corax

9.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Corax,

I prefer breakfast foods that can be easily reduced to the consistency of paste, in order to accommodate my heroic feeding straw.

Eggs are good. Bacon, not so much.

Re: your boss
Is your boss weak-minded? Perhaps you should consider the advantages of puppeteering their mind using the Force. You know, "These aren't the TPS cover sheets you're looking for -- move along..."

Sincerely,

D. Vader

9.5.05  
Blogger Gloria Glo said...

This time you wills how those rebel bastards how it's done. Such a diabolical plan could never be thwarted by a whiny kid, fashion-impaired ex-princess (har, har), and a slightly sexy swashbuckler who probably smells really bad. This time the Empire will be able to destroy planets at its wim! There is no going back...

9.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

Keep on Darthin', Lord Vader.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Pinky said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Brain is so envious of your success he wants me to find out what your secret is. His plans to take over the world ain't going so well sometimes.

He says for me to scurry up your mask while you aren't looking so I can have a little close up look see at what you do. Don't worry, you won't feel a thing, heh heh.

Please forgive me. Oh Lord Vader, I feel we're kindred spirit, for I too must obey my master.

Pinky

9.5.05  
Anonymous luke Skywalker said...

Dad !! , you forget fricken mothers day again ???

9.5.05  
Blogger Glen Bosiwang said...

Another interesting point, Lord Vader! I think you can be sometimes related to another malfunctioning genius known as Dr. Strangelove! I wonder if you recognize this person before; perhaps you need a nuclear expert to add more power to the destructive Death Star!

- Admiral Glen!

9.5.05  
Blogger Uesha Maul said...

I must say My Lord I was I bit worried when I hadnt recieved any transmissions from you for such a long time, I am now relieved to know that it was becasue of the new leg being installed. I feel slighlty foolish for being worried. Anyway you'll be pleased to kow that I have now taken over several planets, who are now willing to do your bidding, you can never have too many poeple willing to die for you.
If i were in your position I think I would have killed Moff Jerjerrod a long ass time ago, but like I said thats me. I hope that everything goes satisfactory for you.
Always,
Ueasha Maul

9.5.05  
Blogger GutterBall said...

It's the simple things in life you treasure.

Oh, and by the way? I started laughing as soon as that title came up. I haven't stopped chuckling since. And now, thanks to you, Lord Vader, I have that blasted song stuck on my head, changed forever to ensure your immortality throughout the ages.

Well, at least for as long as I live. Whichever comes first.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Ananegg Dark Lord of Otakon said...

I've been reading this since it was slashdotted and seeing as it will soon come to an end I'd just like to say:

This is awesome, I love it, I laughed, I cried(not really).

I've never really liked bloggers or the idea of blogs and yet everyday I click on "The Darth Side" in my bookmarks.

Thank you so much for this and I hope you do another.

P.S. To the person called "pinky" in your comment you did not once say "Narf", "Zort" or "Blart" therefor, you sir, are not Pinky.

9.5.05  
Blogger Cognac said...

Somewhere between brilliant and disturbing.

9.5.05  
Blogger Uesha Maul said...

My apologies for not letting you know earlier My lord but my Sith name is Darth Nexus. I wanted you to know If I ever post using my Sith title.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Red Leader said...

To Junior Skywalker,

If you took the time to be just a little interested in your old man's life you would have seen that he posted quite a moving tribute to his mum just a couple of days ago.
But no. You're all "Han said this" and "Leia is so hot". Give yourself an uppercut !

Red Leader...
signing out.

9.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These aren't the TPS cover sheets you're looking for -- move along..."

Bwah! This blog and an Office Space quote. Love it!

9.5.05  
Anonymous Demopheles said...

To the Esteemed Lord Vader,

My master, Satan, is holding a dinner party one galactic week from today. He cordially requests your attendance. Other luminous personages like Josef Stalin and Genghis Khan will also be there.

Please RSVP.

Your Humble Servant,

Demopheles

P.S. We have reserved a special place in hell for you.

9.5.05  
Anonymous BalRog said...

Paul Tomblin said...
Balrog, it's been done


Oh, like, phshah dude! No way does that lame-ass "diary" even come close to doing Sauron the way the Cheese-man here has done Vader.

I mean, like, be serious! Jeez, Paul, you can't be that dense, bra'! I dunno; I haven't got time for this. The lava is on the move down here.

SURF'S UP!!

-- BalRog
   Subbasement 753, Apt. A
   Mines of Moria
   Middle Earth, 23691

9.5.05  
Anonymous reik said...

interesting i like your posts... Keep on doing your thang

10.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

To Red Leader: That wasn't me.

Oh, and would it hurt to have the bay-tech's replace the air scrubbers every now and then? I think a Jawa used to fly my X-wing, by the smell of it...

10.5.05  
Anonymous M. Jerjerrod said...

Dear Cheeseburgerbrown,

The idea of a blog by Snarf or Megatron is an extremely exciting prospect, to say the least. You'll have to double your efforts.

Sincerely,
M. Jerjerrod

p.s. You're not displeased with my apparent lack of progress, are you?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Jerjerrod,

I am displeased, but I am a very forgiving man.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

10.5.05  
Anonymous Blerf said...

duh, u gay

10.5.05  
Blogger Dan Nugent said...

I saw that, but was a little confused because in the Online World, a long time means a week (which is the amount of time I'd have assumed for Vader to get a new leg). A year is like... an entire epoch.

10.5.05  
Blogger laimas said...

Lord vader this where your son?

She is a good person and is a jedy.

Ah I forgot it he has a sister.!!!

10.5.05  
Blogger Aline B. said...

Lord Vader,
I'm glad that you got yourself a new leg. Try to find some time alone to click your heels. As a dancer, I must say it is highly pleasurable.
Prudence

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clan Diamond Shark is pleased that you enjoy your new leg. We accept the weapons, bondsmen, and the cute little crazy straws you have traded.

Bargained well and done Lord Vader :)

10.5.05  
Blogger Sirius Green said...

Nice site.

11.5.05  
Anonymous Slade said...

You shoudn't lie Dumb Vada. Your leg was replaced for one reason. I cut it off with my sword. Also gawk..ack..glack..Sorry...Excuse me...I was choking on a piece of your rotten skin that somehow got in my throat.

11.5.05  
Blogger American Bad OZ said...

The choking in my trachea has subsided.

Thanks.

13.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,
When Moff Jerrjerod says he needs more men he his is actually referring to his appetite for gay sex. In fact, Lord Vader, the entire Imperial forces are all probably gay. Why else are there absolutly no women working for the empire? No female officers are to be found on any death stars or star destroyers at all. With some bad women in tight imperial uniforms and leather boots working for the empire many a rebel scum would probably willingly turn himself in for interrogation at their hands.

Now don't get me wrong...nothing against gay people and all that but you guys have some serious problems and issues, including obsessive uniform and helmet fetishes.

Also, the reason you blew up Alderran is because Bail Organa was better looking and more suave and you all simply could not deal with it. Of course, the Emperor himself is the ultimate raving old drama queen, always interested in the next "young apprentice".

Anyway, everyone in the imperial military appears to be white, male and middle-age. Why is that?
PS When Mace Windu got his purple wand out on Geonesis he could handle it a lot better than you.

14.5.05  
Blogger crazycorpse said...

mr. vader.. i enjoy your writing immensely. made me a fan!

18.5.05  
Blogger Ariadna said...

wow....i think it's an interesting read. DO continue blogging-you know we all love to keep up with things...........

30.5.05  
Anonymous Nikon Nick said...

I'm have serious STAR WARS withdraw !

25.7.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anikin,

I an displeased with your apparent lack of progress.I had hoped you would find your son much sooner. your incompetence seems to have been overlooked by his creepyness,the emperor palpaltine,but i assure you it has not been overlooked by the many anikin skywalker fans everywhere who were emmensly saddened by your fall to the dark side and your emmenent and unaviodable choking of your beloved Padme
We wish you the best of luck in your chosen path.
you were the chosen one and we loved you,
Lady Jedi Alexandra

19.9.05  
Anonymous Big Ben Loves Vader said...

Hmmm, I'm smell something cooking in the galley. Could it be fresh ewok stew ? I hope so it's my favorite.

4.10.05  
Blogger James Haydon said...

Fantastic - awsome work! Keep the updates coming!

18.11.05  

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