Author Chester Burton Brown
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For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown

20050510

Vader's Pastorale


Dull day. Arrived at Endor. Made Moff Jerjerrod cry.

My quarters aboard the new Death Star are quite satisfactory. The smooth and precise action of the robotics in the hyperbaric chamber are beyond reproach: I had barely sat down before it had neatly divested me of my masque and slaved my life-support systems into the host recharger. Also, I have a really spectacular view -- three large triangular ports that look out upon the green and white face of the Sanctuary Moon, the bright sun cantering shadows across the verdant mountains and pillarous cloudscapes while the silver crescent of Endor itself marches in stately orbit behind.

There is something exhilarating about so much life. It is at once inspiring and daunting, and a part of me quails at its chaotic splendor and wishes for the homeliness of a wasted world like Tatooine.

But where there is life there is the Force. Life nourishes it, causes it to grow. It is in the crannies of life's microscopic machinery that the computer of the universe reaches its greatest calculatory density: the probable fates multiply a millionfold, and reality itself ripples in anticipation. A thousand times beneath the perception of low men, the fabric of space quivers at the touch of even a microbe.

When I close my eyes I can see the song this world describes in the webs of the Force, uncountable infinitesimal tendrils coalescing into a great hollow orb that rides beneath this station, pinwheeling through space about the white light and black chute of the galactic fulcrum.

To wit, to wank: I enjoy the view.

Tomorrow I will oversee the testing of this Death Star's new weapons systems. Since things have fallen so woefully behind schedule I anticipate crushing not a few tracheas. Shape up or sputter to the floor unconscious -- that's my motto.


79 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Wow, I get the first post today!

Blow something up Darth.. it'll make you feel better!

10.5.05  
Anonymous Kashif Aziz said...

A thousand times beneath the perception of low men, the fabric of space quivers at the touch of even a microbe


Woooow. Lord Vader at his relaxin best :)

Keep the tracheas falling !!!

10.5.05  
Anonymous Rik Trevin said...

My force sense tells me that the current arc of this blog will come to an end on May 19.

I wonder if anything important is happening on that day?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

enjoy the view while you can...it never lasts for long :(

10.5.05  
Anonymous Felonigle Mok, Tatooine Public Aid said...

Mr. Vader,

Imagine my surprise when I returned to Mos Eisley after attending a conference in Anchorhead, and found that the Tatooine Public Aid offices had been replaced by a blast crater. I think you have some anger issues.

To refresh your memory, I represent a Mr. Luke Skywalker in a child support and civil suit matter.

Three items of business for you.

1. According to the Tatooine Child Support Table 17.2, you owe Mr. Skywalker 8,494,200 credits (your salary of 726,000 per annum * 18 years * .65 (your portion of support). Mr. Skywalker will take a personal check.

2. Last year you severed Mr. Skywalker's hand in a "light saber battle". Mr. Skywalker is suing you for 25 million credits, but will settle out of court for 8 million with a public apology.

3. I have personally issued a restraining order against your person. You are forbidden from coming within 100 yards of me.

I hope that you will settle this like a man, and not vaporize our new offices, which are at 17 Watto Lane, Mos Eisley.

Sincerely,

Felonigle Mok, Esquire
Tatooine Public Aid
17 Watto Lane
Mos Eisley, Tatooine

10.5.05  
Anonymous grape said...

To wank? Seriously?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with that dave guy. blowing stuff up always makes you feel good. I've been wondering. does the darth play video games?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Tedesco said...

Dear Death Star Owner,

Mortgage. You have been pre-approved. You can get 243,000 credits for as little as 232 credits a month,thanks to your pre-approval.

Visit us, Fill out the form, no obligation! Pull cash out,refinance, or do whatever you want. You are the Dark Lord!

Do you need surgery in the near future? Want to take a vacation far, far away? Expecting company and need some money to fix the place up? Contact us!

No long forms or questionnaires. No Bothan spies. Fill up our extremely short and simple form today and get a call back within a couple of hours from a credited galatic representative.

Start saving now!

10.5.05  
Blogger Little Miss said...

Possibly the funniest blog i have ever had the fortune of coming across - thank you Dark Lord!

10.5.05  
Blogger James Bond said...

Darth Vader-

Getting things blown off always relaxes me it's a way to take my mind off the fact that i'm a serious alcoholic, do you have any vices besides the tracheas trick? Also was wondering if you would be interested in a friendly Sword-fighting duel. I've yet come upon your "Lightsabers" here on earth we are much to primitive for this technology, i'm sure you woudln't mind settling for some primitive weaponry. Medieval, Samurai, Roman whatever floats your Starship.

Venni, Vetti, Vecci
Commander Bond

10.5.05  
Anonymous Doris@wwwwgrowit.com said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

I represent Fast Erectus Men Growth and I see that you are a wanker. Did you know that most men admit they wouldn't mind being bigger down there? Are you or your partner one of those people? If so, we have the perfect solution for you. Call me.

Doris@wwwwwgrowit.com
Can We Monsterize That For You?

10.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Dear Darth,
Maybe you should get a puppy.
Pets are a great stress reliever.
And he'll lick your boots. I have a feeling you like that.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Felonigle Mok,

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that your department has been downsized. You and your staff have been replaced with a small toaster-sized droid which makes little beeping noises.

Thank you for your years of service. In appreciation, the Empire encloses a coupon for 20% off a gold watch.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

10.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Grape,

Get your mind out of the gutter. It is just a turn of phrase.

Like when folks say, "I'm just going to go pull on my greased eel for a spell."

I defy you to find innuendo in that!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

10.5.05  
Anonymous TK244 said...

Commander Bond:

You're probably looking for "Veni, vidi, vici"...

...Or a Ja Rule CD.

Either way, one wonders at your taste.

10.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Many heartful greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Beautiful! Will you take pictures and put them up on your blog? Please?

Or perhaps grant me the honor of a tour. ^_^ It sounds wonderful.


Your ever adoring fan,
-Alena

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anderson said...

Lord Vader,
I've been reading this blog now for a while...congratulations on your project's progress. I trust it will continue quickly enough. I also wish you the best of luck handling the Rebels when they attack (and you know they're going to come after it sooner or later).

Now, question time: Do you know why Qui-gon is advising you while his former Padawan is, to some intelligence sources, presumptively advising Luke? It strikes me as slightly odd (though the Force often works in odd ways).

With that, I shall leave you with my best regards and best wishes at managing to reunite with Luke. It's such a shame you didn't find out about him earlier...I've heard that he was a big fan of the Empire for most of his life, too.

Best regards,
Anderson

10.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Nypinta,

Actually, I had a puppy this morning.

Delicious!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

10.5.05  
Anonymous A Friend... said...

Yo Darth, I know you feel all evil and moody and scarred (emotionally) at the moment, but that planet, that green ball of beauty... it has some little furry balls of beauty residing on it. These little furry balls are known as Ewoks, and if you’re not careful, they will destroy you.

They’ve been known to bring irrational feelings of love and tenderness to the surface. Be warned, their cuteness is a weapon, I’ve heard rumors that many victims of these Ewoks have fallen to become candy sucking, family loving, flower picking sissys, so be cautious...

10.5.05  
Anonymous luke Skywalker said...

What the f... you on about i'm suing Dad !!!

Are you out of your mind !!!

Tatooine doughnut ....

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Four words: Don't Underestimate the Ewoks.

10.5.05  
Blogger James Bond said...

TK244

thank you for the attempt on the correction but Venni, Vetti, Vecci means "he saw, he came, he conquered" i'm using it to describe Darth. Veni, vidi, vici is in the form of "I came i saw i conquered" it's ok dear chap, Latin is a Dead Language. Thanks for Trying though. As for my taste come on now, why the critique? Ja rule in my beleif is a pansy, his bark is bigger than his bite.

Vox Populi
Commander Bond

10.5.05  
Blogger TC The Terrible said...

Doode,

Leave that philosophical crap for Solo and the Hairball. You are so above that! Darth Vader you are pure evil, a force of nature, a titan among the anthills of man. Don't get bogged down by the Dr. Phil re-runs.

Go out there and kill a planet. Implode a sun. Jam out to Metallica. Strangle an Ewok and turn him into a bobble head for the Death Star dashboard.

Snap out of it old man. The blogverse needs you.

Later.

10.5.05  
Blogger Jamz said...

Lord Vader,

We have a running bet on why you decided to go with the green color for the original Death Star cannon. Can you clarify what went behind the decision-making process and whether you've deviated from that in your new construction.

Sincerely,
G5Jamz

10.5.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

James Bond, you rock ;)

And Darth, I love your blog more and more each time I read it! George Lucas should seriously consider paying you some royalties, I swear...

10.5.05  
Anonymous Kohrak said...

Dear Darth vader,

I do not know what these other crazies are talking about! Ewoks? A threat? HA! Their most advanced weapons systems involve sticks and rocks. They are less than a meter tall. They are a primative hunter/gatherer society which is in no way worth the time or effort of destroying or even using for target practice. Sure, they could be wipeed out easily just like countless other species in the galaxy, but really. Not even worth it. They don't even taste good.

Good luck with the new Death Star and with your son. Keep on truckin'!

Kohrak

10.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

Also...

...Anakin? There is still good in you. Why don't you ditch Mr. Wrinkly and try life without force-choking people for a while, hmmm?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Johsa Casan said...

Lord Vader, we know that as a young man you used to be a tall lanky lad in very good physical shape. After your unfortunate "accident", however, I believe that you lost three out of four limbs. That being the case, how do you keep in shape? Any exercises?

I only ask because I'm afraid that the next time you meet your son, you might get winded and lose your breath if the battle goes on for any length of time. You have gotten used to quick fights and this is not going to go on forever.

BTW, I also think that a young man such as your son will be able to withstand the Emperor's blue ray punishment a lot better than you. I think that your heart might fail if subjected to that. Watch out.

10.5.05  
Blogger BinaryGuy said...

In regards to this blog, and to qutoe the grandest famous dark Lord of our time, "Impressive, most impressive..."

If you are interested in taking your journals and making a Bio-Documentary with them, my friends and I at http://www.AlteredEgosProductions.com would glad to accomodate you, free of coruse. Simply because you have brough so much order to our Galaxy. We need strong leadership like yours!

10.5.05  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

We at Starfleet have Anger Management Courses to help those who are somewhat frustrated by your position. Trachea crushing won't always help you. Try and chat with Couselor Troi. She'll put you on a course of psychotherapy.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Master of Evil,

As requested here is the revised IR (intelligence report) regarding the Endor moon.

As previously noted the native population mostly consists of tribes of arboreal inhabiting Ewoks. Unlike the arboreal inhabiting Wookies these small woodland creatures seem to be primitive at best and not suitable for slave labor. They are quite inquisitive and resourceful in a hunting and gathering sense. They have also shown an irritating tendency to try and befriend our workers. Some of the men, even our officers, have asked to take some as pets. These requests have subsequently been denied and the requesters have been liquidated as examples, it should be noted that we saved a few wretched souls for you Lord Vader. We at Imperial intelligence understand your needs for crushing tracheas. Our analysts suggest destroying any villages near the shield generator as an example of Imperial power. This should be enough to keep the little buggers out of our construction sites.

We do have one dissenting opinion. We do not put much stock into his reports. However, he did correctly surmise the destruction of the first Death Star and the location of the Rebel forces on Hoth. This individual’s recommendation is as follows. “Destroy the Care Bear army before they rise in rebellion and destroy the Empire!!!” As you can see this analyst has flipped his lid but we keep him around for sake of a good laugh. At this time we have nothing further to report.

Lt. Solo
PS - No relation to the currently incarcerated Rebel scum.
PPS – Please don’t forget about the prisoners needing a good Trachea crushing. They were promised a release for good behavior.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you ever need toilet paper?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Luthe said...

Your description of Endor and its presence in the Force is quite beautiful. It's how I would have expected the Chosen One to describe the Force's appearence in the galaxy, and I thank you for sharing it. Has anyone every mentioned you are very poetic?

Luthe Tucker, adoring fan

P.S. Can Anakin come out and play?

10.5.05  
Blogger Joe said...

Dear tc the terrible,

You must learn that true power with the Force springs not from wanton destruction and violence, but from measured and focused agression. Lord Vader understands the inner character of the Dark Side just as well as its external displays of strength.

Strangling an Ewok, for example, would be entertaining, but would do nothing to lead the galaxy towards its ultimate purpose.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

Another fascinating post, Lord Vader.

10.5.05  
Anonymous An Anonymous Future Historian said...

Dearest Dark Lord of the Sith ("Darth") Vader,

Like others here, I wish to bring to your attention my concerns regarding the small, furry inhabitants of Endor's forest moon. I feel that they could be a threat to you, your Empire, and your next of kin. I also believe that your Emperor, whom you call "Sidious," is perhaps somewhat overconfident, underestimating the actual significance of this situation. An entire legion of his best troops may not be sufficient to quell the danger looming from the treetops of the moon you gaze upon with such reverential cheer.

Entrenched in the worldview of a pre-rational tribal consciousness, the Ewoks have an animistic relationship to life, believing devoutly in a peculiar pantheon of nature gods. Indeed, they have been known to roast innocent tourists in sacrificial banquets designed to appease their gods, as well as conducting other heinous acts too gruesome to describe. Granted, they do mean well, but to those of us with higher sensibilities, their ways are aggressively, abysmally primitive, to say the least.

In fact, I once heard of a family named Towani whose starship crashed upon this moon. The youngest member of the family, a child named Cindel, survived and soon befriended an Ewok. Yes, you read that right. Consequently, she found herself involved in an epic battle against an army of marauders led by the evil primitive humanoid creature known as King Terak. By all accounts, had Cindel Towani escaped the notice of the Ewok race, she would likely have lived an easy, comfortable life on the so-called Sanctuary Moon.

In any case, I don't presume to dictate a particular course of action to you, Lord Vader, or to your Emperor. But when I heard your new fully armed and operational battle station was orbiting this particular moon, I had a bad feeling about it, and felt a moral obligation to advise at least some degree of caution.

Sincerely yours,

An Anonymous Future Historian

p.s. Why a second Death Star? Something appealing about the shape--the almighty sphere, a universal standard? Would a differently shaped structure collapse under its own gravitation? Or was it simply that the name just too good to give up? My colleagues and I have been speculating about this one for years, and I'd be grateful for your thoughts on the matter.

10.5.05  
Blogger Tyler D. said...

Dear Vader

How do you turn a phrase?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed your writing for some time now. It sheds a lot of light on past events. Because of this I am taking this opportunity to ask about an individual who's existence, except for one amazingly significant moment, seems superfluous at best--Jar Jar Binks.

From a by-standers point of view, he does seem to be the one most responsible for the beginning of the Emperors power…At least publicly. Did he get any favors for that little vote? Or was he subsequently ground up and turned into glue for miniature Tie-Fighter models after his usefulness was past?

Just curious.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're such a fool. Nobody likes you so just go away.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Lenin Squirrel said...

Dear Lord Vader,

We of the Squirrel people, from a world I cannot give just yet. We know you are always interested to expand your empire, and be revered/feared by anyone. This raises a point of concern, as we do not like such things.
To get to the point, we've recently found out you shot one of our ships, and wish to retaliate for that (declaration of war is underway). We won't tell where, or how, but not even you can't stop us.
Either that, or give us back our Nut-supplies.

Neurotically yours,

Lenin Squirrel

10.5.05  
Blogger EmailHosting.com said...

You sound like you should be James Bond instead of Darth Vader! You're an excellent writer though. You should definitely consider writing a book. Good Job!

I look forward to reading more of your blogs.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that you're feeling better than last week. Keep your chin up.

Gianetta

10.5.05  
Blogger darthsabre said...

Dear Lord Vader,

Spoilers: Your going to die as anakin skywalker soon

K thnx

10.5.05  
Anonymous Bob Zerver said...

Powerful one,
You do come off very conflicted and complex. Calling yourself a "Monster". You just happen to be another guy in the service, stationed far from home and unable to participate in the life of your child. When you DO get to see him, your own doubts create family squabbles. You are not the first single parent who has had to put a service career's duties above family life.

Your son would've done OK living with Brother and going to agricultural college, but things happen. Call if Force, Destiny, or Script Writing, kids have to make their own way. You may want to consider bringing your son into the family business as a way to get closer and bond with him.

While you are at it, you may also want to look into Death Star comprehensive insurance. Even while parked, large vehicles are subject to accidental damage. You MAY also want to include your son under your insurance coverage, as I am sure his present age places him in a "high risk" pool.

10.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

"Dear Nypinta,

Actually, I had a puppy this morning.

Delicious!

Sincerely,

D. Vader "

One word: karma.
Eat small furry creatures for breakfast and by dinner small fury creatures will bring you down!
Oops.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Risharra the Klingon said...

the only thing worse than an Ewok is a tribble...do not trust them Vader!!

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Da Force Monkey sez:

"Lord Vader, have you ever considered squishing other body parts besides tracheas? That way you can make people squirm WITHOUT killing them."

10.5.05  
Anonymous jinge@jinge.se said...

Fascinating stuff! I can see the song too :)

jinge@jinge.se

10.5.05  
Anonymous Jedi Aspirant said...

Do you know a good place to buy a light saber?

I would prefer a black one. That way, my enemies can't see the blade.

10.5.05  
Anonymous Stormtrooper #24457 said...

Darthy,

I didn't see you again. I've been hard at work supervising some of the construction workers.

I was thinking.. maybe you don't notice me because I look like all the other troopers. I mean, to you, there's probably nothing that makes me stand out.. as if I am just a clone.. but I am a clone.. and since I am, I wonder if other's have the same feelings towards you as I do. Maybe we all do.. *shudder*

Maybe I should try and stand out from the rest.. then you would notice me, look my way.. breathe on me..

One of a kind,
Stormtrooper #24457

10.5.05  
Blogger J. Francis Lehman said...

Lots of fun, this blog. I'ts become a daily stop, and I'll miss it when it's over.

10.5.05  
Anonymous trueKaiser said...

*looks at the death star mark 2 and shakes his head.*
what is it with the sith and unicron envy? granted it's looks pretty good for somthing organics made. but it's hardly the right size, it's too small.

10.5.05  
Blogger I'm here for the porn bots. said...

I bet Vader's just lonely.
That's why he kills so much.
Hell, I bet porr old Vader just wants some pussy.

10.5.05  
Anonymous taste said...

Quivers...Ripples...Anticipation...uncountable infinitesimal tendrils

Goodness... Lord Vader!

Is it just me... or does this post sound like you were.. uh.. masturbating?

If so, how do you.. y'know.. do it? I thought you lost the lower half of your body after that jig with Ben at Mustafa?

10.5.05  
Anonymous Ananegg Dark Lord of Otakon said...

Darth, You know what would make a great power source for the new Death Star?



Ewoks.

Put them in those wheels like hamsters have, stick a Protocol Droid in front of it and watch the fun!

10.5.05  
Anonymous Scott said...

All this talk of Ewoks causeing the mighty Empire trouble is the foolish talk of children. None may cause the Empire to fail, NONE I say!

As for those who may call me a sychophant, and you know who you are, just let me say this. If loving the allmighty Emperor Sidious whose power is only eclipsed by his accute sence of justice and his Dark Servant Lord Vader whose only flaw is at times being too fair to those who cross him is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Wo wo wo.

P.S. Lord Vader, please dont turn about so quickly, you might break my nose...

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

James Bond-

Just to be anal: I believe the latin for "he came, he saw, he conquered" would be "venit, vidit, vicit." Pray the Dark Lord does not notice your mistake!

I shall now turn my attention to making sure the new Death Star corridors are perfectly straight for our glorious emperor!

-Anal Technician

10.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Nexus said...

Ah the pure bliss of getting rid of the "dead" weight. If crushing thier tracheas don't make you feel better, you can always give them a little saber trim. Also just a though but using a blunt object to beat them with also works very efectively.

10.5.05  
Blogger Matt G said...

GREAT BLOG. Good Job!

10.5.05  
Blogger bluehiro said...

Darth, you are officially the coolest man in the universe.

Watch that anger, yadda, yadda, be one with the force, yadda, yadda. But honestly, you're all soft inside, maybe all this trachea crushing is really just little darthie hiding from his past?

Think about Darth.....

10.5.05  
Anonymous Dr. Romay said...

Respectable Lord Vader,

Ever since coming across it on Yahoo's Cool Picks, your blog has me stuck to a computer terminal several hours a day now.

Even after never ending hours of being on-call at the Surgery Department, I can't stop myself from coming back to re-read your post and read new posts that have appeared throughout the day.

I'm finally -almost- finished with patients' histories. Yet... I can't make myself go finish and try to get some sleep.... for I have to ask you...

What medical marvel do you consider to be the best ever invented on your side of the galaxy?

For ever thankful, your dedicated reader,

Dr. C. Romay

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is coming to a rapid end! Why such a quick jump to Return of the Jedi? It saddens me to realize this blog is not permanent. it is short lived. Your take on Darth Vader has been immaculate. I'm hoping you write a final article when you return to the light side of the force.
~Fan blogger

10.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader.

Who's your daddy?

11.5.05  
Blogger Thomas said...

Isn't it a little hard to take Darth Vader seriously when he has been in ads for M&Ms?

11.5.05  
Blogger Vlad said...

Lord Vader,

I have been meaning to ask this to you as well. Though I believe it might cost my tracheas, but the world needs to know.

Did Jar Jar Blink molest you back then? He looks like he has a lot of things up his sleeves.

11.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dr Romay,

The single greatest medical innovation of this galaxy is either a) the energy-field projected painless catheter, or b) the eradication of all of the old medical guilds and their wholesale replacement with cheap, robotic labour.

Good luck with your meat-saw in your hopelessly barbarian galaxy!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

11.5.05  
Anonymous Lenin Squirrel said...

A reminder

Dear Lord Vader,

our previous letter held no deadline, so I shall make clewar here, that if we do not get a reply within two days, something will go boom.

-Lenin Squirrel, supreme nuthead of Squirrels

11.5.05  
Anonymous Dirk Kramer said...

Darth, yo u da man....

11.5.05  
Anonymous Yellow M&M said...

Yes, I'd like 4 packs of the jedi mix please. ...Ahh ,ahh I can't breath.... Make that the Sith mix instead thank you. Throw in a Box of Star Wars Cereal & Some Darth Berry Pop Tarts as well...

11.5.05  
Blogger Monty Loree said...

Monty

I just watched star wars for the 29th time. My son is getting into it now.

Does Darth really have to die?

11.5.05  
Blogger Joel d. Hathaway said...

Dear Mr. Vader,

I'm writing on behalf of all the Ugnaughts at Bespin, a cloud city in the Nohad system (we harvest tabanna gas from the atmostphere of a pinkish planet. The color always reminded me of my mother's cheeks right before she nuzzled me with her pig-like nose. And then she would say...[interjection from another Ugnaught, "Get on with the real message]...oops, sorry).

So anyway, we've been thinking and quite frankly we don't like Administrator Lando. He makes us collect junk, smelt it down, block it up, melt it into useful things like android sheep for his friend Lobot (who, by the way has had a lobot-omy...get it, see he had surgery on his brain and now there is this thing sticking out of the back that communicates with his brain, so they called him Lobot, get it, ya get it {Oink, Oink, Oink)

Okay, maybe you don't get it. Anyway, here's the deal. We know you're busy so instead of making you look all over the universe for us, we'll reveal our secret location in the Nohad system, and we'll even give you the security passcode to Administrator Lando's room, if you will allow the following conessions:

First, I want to run cloud city when you're done with it. No garrisons. No surprise visits from you and your wrinkled face master. No nothing. Just me and my pig faced brothers.

Second, I want permission to smelt Lobot. I think there is gold in his brain interface and I want to find it.

Third, I've always wanted a Star Destroyer. Not to use, really, just to look at. I know it's a lot to ask, so how about just letting me have a free ride in one. Maybe you can jaunt me from here to Hoth, round the moons of Yavin, and back again.

Fifth, we want to drop the number "forth" from ordinal lists like this since it sounds like the Ugnaught word for "rotten spleen" and I always feel dirty saying it to my buddies.

Sixth, I don't know if it's true, but I hear you are looking for a son...and I want to be it. I don't have to take your first name, but as long as I could be called Ugnaught Blith Vader.

There it is. Listen, maybe we can talk over these negotiations next time the wrinkled guy sends you to this hole-in-the-wall part of the galaxy. May I also suggest that while you are here, you get polished. I've noticed that some of the holos of you that are floating around make you look quite dingy. As someone in the services business, I could recommend any number of helmet polishers and even throw in a few good words to get you a discount.

Think it over and let me know how we can go forward. I think this relationship could go far.

Sincerely,

Blith Vader (is it okay if I go ahead and start using the last name in anticipation that you plan to accept my terms of agreement? Thanks)

11.5.05  
Anonymous Onbuuta Symee said...

Dear Lord Vader,

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Equipped with latest pass-through technology video hologram bypass chip.
Guarantee to work with all digital cable receivers..even on star destroyers or your credits back!

- Enjoy free pay-per-view channels
- Adult Channels(Featuring the exotic Twi'leks)
- On Demand Channels
and lots more!

http://www.1clickgallery.info

Onbuuta Symee
Intergalactic Cables

12.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is really cool.. I have been neglecting housework to read this all day long.. wow....

17.5.05  
Blogger rhyannon said...

instead of doing housework I spent all day reading this.. I really loved it.. wow..

17.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Daddy, can u still recall where exactly u left your severed arms and legs beside the lava when u were defeated by the beardie? i was thinking of salvaging its ashes for mixing into a good luck amulet drink in a bid to boost my force threshold.-so i can cut up more of u and take over the world.

heh heh heh heh heh heh.

nah, so i can cut up that piece of electric capacitor stuck up in the armchair and let you take over the world daddy.-of course , eventually u'll pass on that chair to me righht?

i wont hook fingers with you on that, u have no trusty fingers dad. i just want your red lightsaber as morgatge replacement for the el cheapo one yoda scrapped his entire fortune on -before he decomposed-FINALLY!.and btw,Yoda cheated!, he merely extended his short saber beam and snap on those replaceble nokia beam covers on his saber for my birthday present.

booo.

Lukee
-emperor wannable.

24.5.05  
Anonymous Paul Kain said...

HAHAHA man this is awesome, keep em coming please.

regards

Paul

http://www.vault9.net

5.8.05  
Anonymous Nephthis said...

Well my Lord, just a quick post to say I think you are the sexiest being in the galaxy,(and not only because I noticed he size of your codpiece)If you fancy som action do not hesiate to get in touch. PS I am a DD cup and work as a model for a fetish magazine.

3.10.05  
Anonymous Johnny said...

Lord Vader RULEZZZ!!!
keep up your work, interesting blog!

25.11.06  

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