Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050514

Darth Sidious: People Person


Something queer is afoot. I am uneasy.

Light lunch. Meeting a fan. Brisk, cool audience with the Emperor of the Galaxy.

The day began with a tedious set of inter-departmental meetings debriefing the operational tests we have conducted on this battle-station's systems over the past few days. Moff Jerjerrod was extremely pleased with himself, and took up an entire hour with a self-indulgent, morale-boosting lake of verbal diarrhea about surpassing our own benchmarks by honing our core competencies, or some such similar malarkey. "The operational efficiencies of this Death Star will serve as a template for all Death Stars to come!" he preened to scattered applause.

I had such a headache.

For lunch: leek soup and toss salad. I took my meal alone in my chambers, my gaze cast out over Endor's forest moon below as I enjoyed Pla'ateth's Concerto for Laserphone in D minor, a new recording from Muunilinst Grammophon with thirty-two distinct spatio-aural channels (and four additional channels left over for direct psychoneurotropic input, if that is your cup of tea -- myself, I am too old fashioned). Impressive. Most impressive.

I was interrupted by a high priority signal from across the galaxy, which is so classic: always when I'm eating. I donned my masque and rotated my hyperbaric chamber to face the holoprojector, which crackled to life at my command and displayed the face of Thet Moor of the Imperial Secret Service.

"My Lord," he began without preamble, "indications are that the Rebel squadrons we've been chasing are converging together at a point off the ecliptic, in a lake of void beyond the Sullust Star."

"Have you reported to the Emperor?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Your service will be remembered, and rewarded," I intoned. Thet Moor bowed his head and broke transmission.

I was meditating on this new information when a call sounded at the door. It was Moff Jerjerrod stopping by to tell me the Emperor commanded my presence. I made a mental note to crush his trachea with my mind at the first politically reasonable opportunity, and made my way to my master's tower with the snaggle-toothed idiot loping at my heels.

We rode the elevator with a junior lieutenant whose skin prickled at the sound of my respirator. He seemed on the verge of passing out for most of the ride, his adam's apple working in his throat. Just as the door slipped back with a hiss and I moved to leave he managed to call, "Lord Vader," in a pitiable squeak.

I paused, and turned back to him.

He took a deep breath. "I just wanted to say, sir, my Lord -- well, that I've always looked up to you. I don't know if people ever take the time to say...thanks. Thank you, Lord Vader. You're an inspiration to us all."

I hesitated, uncertain what to say, and in that moment of silence the young lieutenant began to stammer an apology. I stopped him by holding up one gloved, open hand. "Thank you, Lieutenant," I said evenly. "I hope to see you one day commanding the fleet."

"Yes, my Lord!" he grinned, saluting smartly. The elevator sighed closed and he disappeared. How charming!

"Shameless sycophancy," grunted Jerjerrod with that little smirk of his pulled tight over his mouth. "Let's not dawdle now, Lord Vader."

Using every ounce of self-control I barely avoided simultaneously breaking every bone in the Moff's body with a spasm of pointed thought. He continued to make light banter as we walked, endangering his life. We paused at the threshold of Palpatine's tower. "Recognize this, Jerjerrod," I said, pointing my index finger menacingly in his face. "Had the Emperor not specifically requested that your life be spared for the time being, you would even now be holding your own quivering giblets in your hands."

Jerjerrod wet himself mutely.

I nodded with satisfaction and proceeded to the audience with my master. His Excellency's ministers stepped aside as I ascended the steps to his throne overlooking space. That is one thing my master and I have always shared: a common penchant for a scenic view.

Our discussion was brief and bewildering.

My master Darth Sidious was not interested in the terrorist fleet amassing at Sullust. He simply commanded me to leave the Death Star and await further instructions at my post aboard the Super-StarDestroyer Executor. His tone was discernably terse and dismissive. I could feel Jerjerrod smirking at my shoulder the whole time. Dismayed as I was, it is not my place to question my master...

And so here I am, back home so to speak. I already miss my view of the Sanctuary Moon for my Executor chambers are without ports, nestled deep within the heart of the ship out of harm's way. I am restless and irritable. I have nothing to do.

Admiral Piett dropped by to welcome me back, and had his yeoman sing me an entertaining ballad they had heard at last night's Ewok barbecue after I left. I admit most of it was lost on me as my thoughts wandered to Sullust, but I did pick up a bit at the end:
Time and again our history plies the same synclastic waters;
The affairs of old live on again to haunt our sons and daughters.
And the wheel of the worlds turns round and round,
The wheel of the worlds turns round.
By the blood of the martyr Darth Revan, I swear fate stalks this moon. Even the low men can feel the weight of destiny in the air. And yet I am commanded to go to my room and sit. This is a waste of a dark overlord.


92 Comments:

Anonymous dk said...

enjoyable reading, as always, my Lord.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Gabe said...

Wow, I got first post!! Excellent update. But we don't actually know what happened to Darth Revan? I love your use of him/her though!

Keep up the good work!!

14.5.05  
Anonymous Gabe said...

damit, crap, i almost got first comment

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lord Vader,

wouldn't the considerable satisfaction of crushing Jerjerrod's trachea be worth the Emperor's annoyance? Just wondering. I know the guy is irritating the devil out of me, and I'm only reading about him.

Paula
Earth

14.5.05  
Anonymous Locarai said...

My Lord,

Might I humbly suggest that you strangle with your mind the secretary who spelled "Sullust" wrong throughout this transcription?

Commander Locarai
Star Destroyer Inviolate

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Agreed.

14.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Locarai,

Google has conflicting opinions about the most common spelling, but I have adopted your suggestion as it is the version seen in the script for ROTJ. Thanks for the heads up.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

14.5.05  
Anonymous Steve Dave said...

So is this blog going to end when the new movie comes out cause your almost at the end of your life Vader in the story your teling us...so keep up the good work.

p.s. Star Trek RULES!!!

14.5.05  
Anonymous curiosity said...

lord vader
i have a few questions for you which you may choose to answer if your whim allows
1) why do all of the r-2 units look like walkin. beeping garbge cans?
2) would seeing only one moon in the night sky seem odd to you?
3) how much does jabba the hutt really weigh?
4) do we really want to know how much he weighs?
5) why was it so easy for the rebellion to destroy the first death star?
6) how many more people willl have to die before they realize not to mess with darth vader? because it seems that for every person you kill theres always another one waiting to be insolet or moronic
7) why do people seem so opposed to evil and the idea of eating ewoks? (they seem like pesky little things to me)

thank you for taking the time to read this and if you havent read this then i should probably just shut up now
love anna

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

M'Lord Vader,

In taking some time to think about the issue of the Law Of Two for the Sith, something occured to me. Perhaps Yoda was taking the time to put on his "Captain Obvious" hat. I mean, wouldn't it be unlikely that someone would be able to master the Dark Side of the Force without the resource of someone there to instruct them? Perhaps that is why there is always two: If you find the student, then it is a fair bet that there will be a master somewhere...


Just a thought. Please don't crush my trachea.

Anonymous

14.5.05  
Blogger Mondak said...

Lord Vader,

Truely some of your finest work. I have read every post and this one was your best yet. Thanks so much for all the time and talent that went into making this blog. It is very enjoyable and will ease the pain of being spoonfed some drivel for the 4th time since Empire.

Mondak

14.5.05  
Anonymous Pete B. said...

Dammit, Cheeseburger!

I've been a professional (paid, and everything!) writer for 15 years, and every day I check Darth's blog, I'm simultaneously enthralled and depressed by how effortlessly you knock-out such wonderful wordsmithery. Me, I sweat blood to spawn material an iota as inspired.

When the inevitable eventually comes...could you please "Pull A Lucas" and go back to Darth's *earlier* years?

You're seriously missing your true calling here. Best Blog On The 'Net. No contest...

14.5.05  
Anonymous Revan said...

I wasn't a martyr, I was saved. Perhaps one day you will learn the difference.

14.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Pete B.,

On writing: It looks like I'm going to write a novel, once I finish off one more autobiographical novella to attach to my collected writings (available soon through Lulu: "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Cheeseburger" -- watch for it). Like I said, once that's out of the way I'm going to write a novel. I know a lot of people say they're going to write a novel. I don't have grand illusions that I will succeed. On the other hand, over the course of the past year (and especially the last month) I'd had the rare pleasing of people *requesting* that I write a novel. How many wannabes have that to put in their pipes and smoke? That kind of feedback will hopefully fuel my effort through the hard bits.

On "Pulling a Lucas" and blogging A New Hope: This has also been a multiple request item. I would be hard pressed to ignore this. When the audience knows what it wants, it's supper-time. I will have to find the time to brew up Darth: the A New Hope years. As it stands now I barely have time to keep up with this blog, and I'm not busy-rich, I'm busy-poor.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

14.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Mondak,

"Let's keep a little optimism around here."

I choose to believe that Kevin Smith has not forsaken all rationality, and that it is true that REVENGE OF THE SITH will -- at least to some extent -- redeem the saga.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Revan,

Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your holostream.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

14.5.05  
Anonymous Luke Skywalker said...

God that was boring! BORING!! So boring!!

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Naska said...

Lord Vader,

your shielding systems are preventing my transport from entering the new Death Star. i CLEARLY stated i would enter. NOW LOWER THEM SO I CAN GET IN.

With Much Hatred,
Darth Naska
No Longer Retired Sith Lord

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Curiosity,

1) You should have seen the R1 units -- grotesque little metal sausages. Yet, with the astro-slot configuration standardized as it was, the R2 had to follow suit in certain respects.

2) No. I have seen skies with no moons and more moons than stars. You should hear the nursery rhymes on those worlds.

3) I have no idea.

4) I have even less idea.

5) Shut up. Do not mock my pain. I would like to see how well YOUR moon-sized battle-station would fare under comparable assault.

6) To date, 3.213 billion. But Alderaan creates a significant spike.

7) They are stupid, and cannot be beyond the end of their own probosci.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

14.5.05  
Anonymous Admiral Piett's Yeoman said...

Lord Naska,

Please proceed with transmission of the authorization code.

Yours,

Yeoman Tim

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Luke Skywalker,

Go to your room!

Sincerely,

D. Vader

14.5.05  
Anonymous C said...

Wait.. Vader is a dark overlord? I didn't know he was in kahoots with Jeffrey Jones. But then, Lucas isn't known to have New Ideas these last 20-odd years. Not trolling, just observing.

14.5.05  
Blogger Alena said...

Greetings to you, Lord Vader,

Do all of your fans disturb you so much? ^_^


Your adoring fan as always,
-Alena

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of sniveling sycophants what were you thinking when you created C-3PO? I know you were a kid at the time but someone with your Force given insight should have foreseen what a pest he would become. Has he become an embarrassment to you and is that why you pretend you don't know him whenever you meet?

14.5.05  
Blogger RK said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

14.5.05  
Blogger VW said...

*****PRIORITY TRAFFIC*****

FM: Commandant, Imperial Law Enforcement Detachment, Tattooine

TO: HIE Emperor Palpatine c/o Endor Task Force

CC: Sithlord Darth Vader c/o Endor Task Force

SUBJ: SITREP Tattoine

1. The crimelord Jabba the Hutt is dead. His remains, along with the bodies of several guards and criminals known to be in the Hutt hierarchy, were discovered onboard the wreckage of his Sail Barge, on the Dune Sea, by a routine patrol.

2. Autopsy results show Jabba died of asphyxiation caused by trachaeal collapse. Contusions on the throat muscles suggest that a slave chain had been wrapped around his throat. Causes of death for the guards were cellular disruption caused by blaster fire. However, COD for at least two of the bodies has been confirmed as trauma from lightsabre slashes.

2. Interviews with personnel at the Hutt's estate confirm that Jabba had captured the Rebel officer Commander Luke Skywalker (the only active Rebel known to carry a lightsabre as part of his armament). Witnesses indicate that Jabba intended to execute Skywalker for destroying one of his pets.

3. Since Jabba's preferred method of execution is known to be ejection into the Dune Sea Sarlaac, Imperial CS investigators went to the Dune Sea, where they conducted an exploratory dissection of the creature. (Next of kin notifications are attached in Annex A of this message.)

4. No DNA traces of Commander Skywalker were found in the Sarlaac. However, pieces of Mandalorian armor were recovered and confirmed as belonging to the bounty hunter Boba Fett. Our working theory is that Fett strangled Jabba for failure to pay a bounty, and may have retrieved Skywalker from the Sarlaac before the digestive process could start. The possible intention would be to offer Skywalker to any Imperial authority willing to pay his bounty.

5. Meanwhile, according to our legal officer the death of Jabba (and several members of his hierarchy) voids the informal agreement between the Hutts and the Galactic Republic (as continued by the Empire) granting the Hutts partial sovereignty over Tattoine. Accordingly, four legions have been dispatched to the cities of Mos Espa and Mos Eisley, to reinforce the Imperial presence and to dismantle any counter-Imperial operations under control of the Hutts.

6. Commandant formally requests that the Emperor authorize the dispatch of 6 additional Stormtrooper legions from Coruscant, with the mission of establishing full Imperial jurisdiction on Tattoine.

*****END MAINTEXT*****ANNEX TO FOLLOW*****

14.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

RK, others,

I'm sorry, but religious spam will not be tolerated unless it is accompanied by witty reparte and/or insightful blog-related commentary.

Same goes for those plugging their own blogs: if it doesn't ride alongside at least one sentence of relevant commentary, I delete it.

...Just explaining the policy, is all.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

14.5.05  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

It seems to me that the Galactic Empire could be more trouble in the Romulans or even the Borg. I'll have to report back to Starfleet on this matter. Your name, Mr Vader, will be mentioned.

14.5.05  
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14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To: emperorpalpatine@corscant.imperial.gov
CC: darthvader@deathstar2.net
From: grandadmiralthrawn@outerrim.org

Subject: Field Promotions

To His Most Glorious Excellency the Emperor Palpatine,
Sire, it is with humblest apologies that I ask you to speak to Darth Vader about his recent spree of killing admirals. As I am most sure that you are aware, it costs 2 million credits to put a cadet through the Imperial Academy. Add on the cost of feeding, care, salary, etcetera, over the course of 10 years (the average time it takes to make admiral), and the total bill comes in at around 5 million credits per admiral. This does not include the actual field training and experience, which in many cases, is irreplaceable.
But in truth, it is not about the money. The men do not respect an admiral who was field promoted due to his senior’s untimely death at the hands/mind of Lord Vader. You should hear the jokes coming out of the storm trooper barracks these days:

“What did Admiral (insert your favorite here) say to Lord Vader?”
“I don’t know.”
“We’re approaching the Hoth syste…ack…cough…choke…gurgle…”

“What are five admirals standing in a circle?”
“What?”
“A choker.”

“How many admirals does it take to change a diode?”
“I don’t know, how many?”
“Two. One to give the order to the tech to change the diode and one to take personal responsibility of the diode burning out, report the diode change to Lord Vader, and be choked to death for his lack of vision in not having the diode replaced before it burned out...”

The list goes on. As you can see, it is difficult to enforce discipline if the men do not respect the position. We have, on average, replaced one admiral a week. It is wrecking our planning sessions: half the time we are attending funeral services, the other half promotion ceremonies. I have two new admirals whom I do not think even shave yet.
Operations planning and procedures are becoming difficult, since captains have a new person to report to every month. We have actually lost two star destroyers because the last admiral Lord Vader choked had sent them on a secret mission, and no one else knows where they went! On top of that, trying to do maneuvers when half the time the admirals are awaiting orders, instead of giving them, has dropped operational efficiency by 42%. At this rate, we can expect the so called “Rebel Alliance” to overrun the core fleet by the end of the month.
Please Sire, I do not mind if Lord Vader is crushing the tracheas of prisoners, non-humans, bounty hunters, or an occasional lieutenant; but fleet personal are hard to replace! Could he just chop off a limb? I have heard he likes doing that, and it is pretty easy to have a med droid repair the damage (after a bit of suffering without the appendage, of course). As for disciplining incompetence, I am sure being that close to Vader’s lightsaber is more than enough incentive to do better.

Thank you Excellency, for attending to such matters.

Your loyal servant,
Grand Admiral Thrawn

14.5.05  
Anonymous Zinc Avenger said...

Dear Lord Vader,

You are officially invited to be the guest of honour at the 19th Annual Galactic Wookiee-Shaving Championships, to be held on Selonia later this year.

Viewing figures for our holovised competitions have continued to climb, and we feel that a contestant of your stature will really bring our sport into the mainstream.

First prize is a lifetime supply of thick, luxuriant wigs!

Kids can join in the fun too in our Ewok-shaving rounds, and we're proud to introduce a new event this year: Maim The Gungan.

Hope to see you there!

The Zinc Avenger

DISCLAIMER: The Wookiee-Shaving Championship is carried out under strict safety supervision. Do not try this at home or you may get your arms torn out of their sockets.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lucas needs to re-release ROTJ with this blog as a commentary track. It had a whole new dimension to the story line.

Effing Genius.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Johsan Canew said...

My recently unesteemed Lord Vader:

I continue to be distressed by your shameless commercial pandering.

As if it wasn't bad enough to be choking those weird chocolate creatures, now you have not one, but two Burger King commercials involving a slacker. In the first you try to trick him out of his winnings by pretending to be his father and he slams the door in your face. In the second you fool around with the slacker while he threatens you with a broomstick. At least on that one you cut off the broomstick with your light saber. Still demeaning to your villanous persona, though.

If I were you, your agent, Ger-Luc of Mendocino would have his throat crushed by now.

14.5.05  
Blogger Lan Black said...

Dear Lord Vader,
Your Storm Trooper left me his communication device which allows me to be updated with the Empires latest news. Intersting day I can see and I agree with you that it is a waste of your talent sitting alone in your room. I always do that...so i understand.
With Love and jealousy,
Lan Black Of the Black Jack Knights

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i want you to know i am not afraid of you anymore i usto be and i had to sleep with my parents some when i saw you in my closet but my fatehr said he could rip your head off with one hand i stopped being afraid you stay away he is a fireman and played football at jackson high school!!!! my name is josh king stay away!!!

14.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

Sullust? We're not near Sullust! Why, the very idea is ludicrous! Hey, look, isn't that a Bith big band!?!

*runs like heck*

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Had the Emperor not specifically requested that your life be spared for the time being, you would even now be holding your own quivering giblets in your hands."


Ahhh Now that is the Vader we all love. Nice

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Da Force Monkey sez:

"I wholheartedly agree, Lord Vader. Moff Jerjerrod is a total imbecile. Squish him at the first semi-convenient opportunity."

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Sidious said...

Lord Vader, every single user is now an enemy of the empire.

Do what must be done.

woah de ja vu

Young Skywalker will soon be on the path to the Darkside.

Either that or you kill me and then you are redeemed.

Whatever comes first.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Naska said...

to Admiral Piett's Yeoman Tim,
i already entered the code 20 freaking times! you're STILL NOT LETTING ME THROUGH! you are so going to be dead when i get there.

Darth Naska

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader, per your request I have been scouring the remnants of the Jedi Archives for any information reguarding 'prophicies' and a 'chosen one' that may have survived Emperor Palpatine's purge. I do recognize the value of data, all data, and that The Emperor's wiping of the archive may have been a tad hasty but I'm still at a loss as to the signifigance of such trivia pretaining to a now-extinct religion. Still, mine is not to question.

I have had little luck recovering data from the archive as Emperor Palpatine's purge was quite thorough, some data-clusters have in fact shown signs of being 'purged' with EMP-grenades and even blaster-fire. I have not come-away entirely empty-handed for my efforts to this date and have enclosed a file-fragment I for one have found most curious.

I found this in a tertiary cache-spool and was surprised to not only find two direct referances to the master key-words you've given me but also to find that the fragmentation patterns and time-stamps appear to indicate the original file was part of a data-purge which pre-dates Emperor Palpatine's asscension if not his election to the now-defunct senate.

==========================
abdff76s9s6f9...that while the formation of the Jedi order was a nessicary reaction to the Sith, it was also an over-reaction. The Sith represented passion without discipline, but the Jedi represented discipline without passion. In an effort to apply a 'one-size-fits-all' solution to the problem of corruption which plagued the Sith both to their own detriment and that of their neighbors the Jedi sought to suppress all emotion and cast aside all wordly entanglements. This did indeed protect them, in much the same manner as a blind man is immune to 'dazzler' weapons.

Both of the primary feudal orders of force-weilders can be safely diagnosed as being emotionally-crippled. The Sith were from all historical accounts driven by their baser impulses while the Jedi fled from their emotional demons rather than confront and subdue them. The prefered methods for selecting apprenticies by either order seem to perpetuate this. The Sith tend to choose as apprentices either children from broken-homes who rage against the 'unfair' universe, or spolied princes who simply believe they should own it. The Jedi on the other hand select their 'padawans' almost exclusively from benign creche's within their own temples where children believed to have some connection to the Force are taken soon after they are born.

Neither the Jedi nor the Sith could claim to posess among their ranks anyone of true emotional maturity, lacking a stable family environment during their formative years in which to learn how to truely function on an emotional level without either letting emotions rule them or denying emotion in it's entirity. There are some indications within the quasi-religious order of the Jedi Knights that a 'chosen-one' is prophesied to bring balance to the Force but since the current Jedi indoctrination paradigm precludes Emotional balance in it's members it is difficult to imagine such a Chosen-One ever comming to be. It would be a terrible Irony that the Jedi's creche-system would preclude the birth of the very Chosen-One they appear to yearn for, or perhaps not. Perhaps, conciously or un-conciously, the creche is how the Jedi order protects itse3y4650sckelbo08lwkzzwcq...
==========================

That is unfortunatly all I could extract at this time. I do appologize if this offering has proven less than informative as it was badly fragmented to begin with and the compression-regime required for these clandestine transmissions does not help matters. I will continue to pour my efforts into un-masking further datums from the ruins of the old of course. I can only hope to be of further service to you upon your inevitable Assencion.

xxxx.xxxxxxxxx (Name and location encrypted, Theta-level.)

14.5.05  
Blogger Blogman said...

You are so BAD!

14.5.05  
Anonymous The Dark Lord Sauron said...

You think you have things rough? I have an old man leading around a bunch of little boys, some guy with pointy ears who stares off into the distance and calls it acting, and some other fools trying to kill me. Your thoughts do interest me though. Perhaps we should do lunch sometime.

14.5.05  
Blogger HappySam said...

This would make even darth sidious happy

http://www.warwick.ac.uk/~poubae/

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dark Lord Sauron,

Has anyone ever told you that you hvae a striking resemblence to Count Dooku?

...Creepy.

14.5.05  
Anonymous emmfour said...

The meditations of a Dark Lord are useful to us all.

14.5.05  
Blogger Radioactive Jam said...

Dear anonymous,

Re: your comment to Sauron, and his resemblence to Count Dooku -
Um...don't you mean *Saruman* instead of Sauron?

I thought so.

14.5.05  
Blogger Master Desco said...

To://The Lord Vader
From://Grand High Admiral Cabwi Desco, Fifteenth Imperial Fleet Headquarters, Kaminoan Sector.

Lord Vader, It is my understanding that you have been very busy lately cleaning up the rebel horde in recent months. I was also sorry to hear that you son Luke Skywalker has chosen not to join you. You have my condolences. I recently spoke to the other Grand Admirals and we have determined that the only tactic suitable for the destruction of the rebels is to cause destruction on a Pan-Galactic scale, introductions of new superweapons into the Imperial research budget were approved and we are looking foreward to your continued inspection of the facilities at Installation 1138.

Respectfully yours,
Grand High Admiral Desco.

14.5.05  
Anonymous curiosity said...

thank you lord vader for answering my questins i feel very honored for the privelege of recieving your wisdom

i am considerably less curious
thank you
anna

14.5.05  
Blogger Courtney said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

14.5.05  
Blogger Master Desco said...

Courtney, obviously you can't read. The blogger blatantly said NO PLUGGING YOUR OWN BLOG.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow... itz like a book or somethin funked like that

14.5.05  
Blogger THE blondest banana said...

hehe i love illiterate people! way 2 be courtney!

14.5.05  
Anonymous The Dark Lord Sauron said...

Dear anonymous,

I believe you have me confused with my underling Saruman. I can understand the confusion as the names are spelled differently. But for you insolence in not signing your name I am forced to send the Witchking to take you to my tower where your flesh shall be devoured and nothing will be left but your spirit, which shall be tormented for the ages.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Pete B. said...

Hey, Monsieur Fromage Plus

Great to hear we may hear the "Butch & Sundance: Early Years" version.

Love your other blogs, also...touching, and emotional. Though, I think you might choose to hit the "erase" button on your 3-D trip to La-La Land. I know a few of the same people you do, and...er....well. Egos rage in the land of the "wrap" and "spin" --

I have two friends who have seen "Sith". One said "okay", the other was "disappointed". I've been harder on both in terms of SW in the past, but I'm still grimly holding onto my hopes for this sucker.

Hope to talk to you off this board at some point.

Pete

(P.S.: did you ever see the -- I think -- Steve Sansweet guide to the action figures, that was full of photos that haven't necessarily been seen anywhere else? There's a shot of one scene -- also detailed, if IRC, in the Laurent Bouzerau "Sta Wars Scripts" book -- where Vader goes to visit the Emperor in ROTJ unannounced. Jerjerrod stops him, and Vader throttles him. The shot has Jerjerrod grasping his throat in THE most extreme pain I've ever seen in a Vader Victim, while the two flanking Red Royal Guards either side of the elevator have their Force-prods raised to fire at Vader.

As it's practically "canon", I feel it's a scene we need to see in this blog...

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Vader,

Are you bitter because you never went to your high school prom? Or possibly because you were picked on by "cool kids." Just wondering.

14.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Pete,

The post you refer to is actually non-indexable (sp?) by search engines, which is about as much caution as I'm prepared to exert. I am never going to work in LA on a full-time basis, and the munchkins here in Soviet Canuckistan can stand my gentle ribbing.

As for the Jerjerrod strangulation scene: I don't know if it. If you can point me to a specific research source I'll see what I can do...however, we're on a tight schedule here so I'm not sure what the art of the possible is.

As a consolation prize I have decided to accede to the requests for entries covering events in A NEW HOPE. I cannot promise when they will be scheduled for posting, however, as I *do* have a day job (currently working with the lovely and talented people at Ghostmilk Studios -- here's a plug for them -- http://www.ghostmilk.com ), and my first priority next week is finding time to go see REVENGE OF THE SITH.

I live in a rural area, so I don't anticipate big line-ups.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

14.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard,

It delights me to inform you that you are mad.

To confabulate the history of a galaxy in an altogether different supercluster some millions of years ago with your own current situation is a sure sign that your partway assimilation into the Borg has caused irreparable damage to your faculty of judgement.

Next thing we know you will be claiming you are Napoleon. Or that you lived an entire life by a dying star as another man, teaching science to your children and playing the penny-whistle for your wife.

As blasted if.

You sir, are a loony. Your dome has been baked by alien rays. Your transporter signal has lost cohesion. You are not firing on all thrusters.

I suggest help. But I suggest you avoid the alleged professional services of one Deanna Troi, whose advice is not fit for the narrowest column of the smallest newsbeam on the most backward Klingon world.

Reaching out,

D. Vader

14.5.05  
Blogger Uesha Maul said...

My Lord, I must agree with Paula of Earth. Just strangle that irritating Jerjerrod. The Emperor will get over it and if he doesnt than I guess he can be next in line to die.

Sincerely,
Darth Nexus

14.5.05  
Blogger ABCGi said...

The day began with a tedious set of inter-departmental meetings debriefing the operational tests we have conducted on this battle-stations' systems over the past few days. Moff Jerjerrod was extremely pleased with himself, and took up an entire hour with a self-indulgent, morale-boosting lake of verbal diarrhea about surpassing our own benchmarks by honing our core competencies, or some such similar malarkey. "The operational efficiencies of this Death Star will serve as a template for all Death Stars to come!" he preened to scattered applause.

Should be;

The day began with a tedious set of inter-departmental meetings debriefing the operational tests we have conducted on this battle-station's systems over the past few days. Moff Jerjerrod was extremely pleased with himself and took up an entire hour with a self-indulgent, morale-boosting lake of verbal diarrhea about surpassing our own benchmarks by honing our core competencies or some such similar malarkey. "The operational efficiencies of this Death Star will serve as a template for all Death Stars to come!" he preened to scattered applause.

The real Darth Vader makes no mistakes! ;)

14.5.05  
Blogger Uesha Maul said...

I do have to give you credit though, for holding back on crushing Jerjerrod's trachea. I know I couldnt do it.

L8R
Darth Nexus

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It would be a great idea to put these in a short paperback book and sell it online. Of course, with a couple extras. Add a well illustrated cover and you have a great sell, your excellency.

14.5.05  
Anonymous Kitt said...

Looking for more info about the choking Jerjerrod cut scene?

http://www.starwarz.com/tbone/cut_scenes/ep6/more_choking.htm

Lots of info and pictures :)

14.5.05  
Blogger Goldi said...

Lord Vader,

I know there is good in you. *showering you with sparkly sprinkles from the good side of the Force*

14.5.05  
Anonymous Vert Mercial said...

Lord Vader -

It is with quivering entrails that I must inform you that reports of your supreme visage appearing in primitive video sales communications are indeed true.

Apparently the denizens of a puny blue world, 'Earth' - a pathetic splinter in the mind's eye - have corrupted your image for Trade Federation-style appeals to the half-formed minds of the children of this system. You are being used, my Lord, for everything from foodstuffs to playthings. It is abhorrent.

I have seen things no believer in the true path should be forced to witness - fluids sipped through a hole in your helmet, an imposter of you attempting to cash in on the fortune of another by claiming to be his father -and for the sake of mere credits! - and other desecrations too heinous and blasphemous to list here.

Sir, I beg you to consider the rerouting of the Death Star II from the forest moon of Endor to this backwater of the galaxy so that this disgrace may be erased from the cosmic memory.

TARGETING COORDINATES: Sol System, 3rd planet from the sun. Just follow the smell of burning fossil fuels. Also, there is a lifeless moon orbiting this slag-heap in case you get lost.

14.5.05  
Blogger The Yell said...

FM: Station Commander
TO: All Departments
RE: Misuse of Ventilator Shafts

1. It has come to my notice that the deplorable abuses of walkways and ventilator shafts for litter disposal, body disposal, garbage disposal, pulse grenade practice, suspension of potted plants, suspension of illegal distilled cider, bungee jumping, etc., persist unabated.

2. Staff has had to waste far too much time with arresting, interrogating, convicting and executing offenders. This has been known to take up to two minutes per offender.

3. All such shafts have now been fitted with Vapo-rad disintegrator fields. Anything larger than a single carbon molecule, if dropped down a shaft, will explode into a radioactive cloud of vapor that will rush back up the shaft and fry the litterbug.

4. THIS MEANS YOU. The Vapo-rad coordinating droid has had its safety protocols burnt out with a bowcaster. I don't care WHO or WHAT comes down that shaft, or WHO or WHAT is standing over the walkway rail, they are TOAST. I have HAD IT with supposed professionals who act like tots on a field trip to the Supreme Canyon.

5. Maintenance techs shall report to supervisors to sign in, and out, for temporary override bracelets for each shaft maintenance assignment.

M. Jerrjerrod

14.5.05  
Blogger Casey said...

When oh when will you crush Jerjerrod's trachea with your mind? The suspense is killing me!

14.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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14.5.05  
Blogger Pirate Cap'n Spazz said...

Being sent to your room? O_o Reminds me of when I was little. Not meaning to be disrespectful, m'lord, just stating an observation. >_>

14.5.05  
Anonymous Ex-Hutt Majordomo said...

FOR SALE: Sarlaac, Dune Sea, Tattooine. Slight digestive problems and a few severed tentacles. 616,000,000 credits OBO. No Jawas, please.

15.5.05  
Blogger Jack Safety said...

a wampa bit my sister once...

15.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darth Vader,

You are a dark and powerful overlord. Naturally, you have the means to dispose of malfunctioning secretaries easily. Your current stenographer has misspelled the contents of your lunch today: tossed salad became "toss salad." I am hoping you'll clue us in on all the details of the bloody end that falls on this wrecker of your pristine image.

Also, could you tell us your recipe for Ewok bbq sauce? And where you plan to have your next bbq? And whether your dark mind powers work as well just after you've stuffed yourself to the gills on tender bbq ribs? And whether you are immune to any common poisons? And whether you get sleepy after a big meal and maybe can't hear that someone's sneaking into the room to mmmm.... give you a present? And what the maximum penalty is for getting caught trying to mmm... do stuff to a Sith lord? And whether you always have your goon squad with you, and what times are they most likely to be goofing off on the job? Thanks... 'Preciate it!

15.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I who thought all the SW-nerds were already lined up in front of theatres waiting for tickets. What are y'all doi'n here? I'm gonna go buy my ticket now. ;)

15.5.05  
Blogger Jason Rohrblogger said...

Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars

10. In a fit of rage, Obi-Wan Kenobi threatens to make Darth Vader his bitch

9. Interplanetary rivalry characterized by fly-by shootings

8. Chewbacca isn't just a member of the Hair Club for Wookiee's, he's also the president

7. Wearing leather and chains, Yoda helps his live-in disciple, a talking Chihuahua, "feel the force"

6. Boba Fett admits that after a long day of bounty hunting, he just wants to be held

5. Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa played by the Olsen twins.

4. Anakin Skywalker is led to the Dark Side by Evil Lord of the Sith, Bylgates ken-Starr

3. An under-rated rag-tag band of plucky rebels, though hopelessly outgunned and exponentially outnumbered, manage to gather enough grit and courage for a one-in-a-million surgical blow to the vastly superior enemy and--get this--pull a spectacular victory out of the jaws of certain defeat anyway

2. In order to pay for the exhorbitant special effects, ticket prices will be raised to $39.95

And the number one surprise in the new Star Wars...

1. The Emperor has new clothes

-Jason Rohrblogger

And the alternates...

Darth Vader is also Chewbacca's father
Jabba the Hutt admits he has a weight problem because he was teased as a child
Jar Jar Binks finishes up his doctorate in cultural studies
Grand Moff Tarkin exposed as neither grand nor moff
Mace Windu quotes a long bible verse before blowing away his enemies
Yoda uses the Force to scare those damn kids off his lawn

15.5.05  
Blogger Adam E. Robinson said...

Don't worry about your "master," Lord Vader. He will be taken care of quite soon. You'd be quite surprised to learn the identity of his assassin...

15.5.05  
Anonymous Tommy Mottle said...

This is the best blog in the whole of the empire

15.5.05  
Anonymous Marius Inq said...

My Lord Vader,

Why have you allowed a subordinate such as Thet Moor to "go over your helmet"?

Please consider taking immediate action and crush his trachea for undermining your position as the right hand of the Emperor.

Your servant in the Force,

Marius Inq

15.5.05  
Blogger Anthony Vanoo said...

Yo Darth, great blog. I hear you brother. You're definitely too good for this predicament. You know what they say, it's a pity that youth is wasted on the young. The lives of the powerful are wasted on subjugating the weak. You should be pimpin' out in cloud city, tossing back 40's with Billy Dee, or in Mos Isley chasing tail.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on Why do you wear that scary mask?

and while you're at it, Who's Your Daddy?

16.5.05  
Blogger Eduardo said...

Perhaps the best blog I have read. Well done.

16.5.05  
Blogger icelava said...

[quote Steve Dave]
So is this blog going to end when the new movie comes out cause your almost at the end of your life Vader in the story...[/quote]

Actually, the Emperor has prepared a letter of termination to relief Darth Vader of his vice-presidential duties within the Empire. The number employees blogging about sensitive information and details regarding their organisations have disturbingly been on the rise of late, and the Empire is taking a tough stand on this, no matter how high a position one may assume.

The Emperor has decided to hold off the public dismissal until the upcoming Rebellion ambush is complete (with the fleet absolutely crushed) and _the_ new succesor has been properly inducted and comfortable with the job responsibilities.

Empire Internal Affairs Department

16.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

I should love to see you crush your master.

16.5.05  
Blogger neopunk3097 said...

The Dark Side rocks I like ur blog
Darth Vader whoops major ASS!!!!

17.5.05  
Blogger masterslacker said...

wow. This is amazing. i will continue to read.

19.5.05  
Blogger Christopher Brinser said...

Love it As a hardcore Star Wars fan I commed your Work.

24.5.05  
Blogger Alex said...

"Thank you, Lord Vader. You're an inspiration to us all."

Indeed. My roommate the Sith Lord Darth Loki has a great admiration for you.

26.5.05  
Anonymous Padme' Skywalker said...

Anakin,

My heart so grieves for you.


All my love.

1.6.05  
Blogger Doug said...

Dude, get a life.

3.6.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree

8.7.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ne one play KOTOR

8.7.05  
Anonymous Count Dooku said...

Dear anonymous,

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT MOTHERLESS BASTARD SAURON!!! YOU ARE CONFUSING HIM WITH SARUMAN!!!
How dare you confuse me with someone dependent on sunny weather to live!?

From Count Dooku

P.S: So long and thanks for all the fish!

11.10.05  
Anonymous Cobra commander said...

Hello Lord Vader, I am Cobra Commander, I wish to invite you to the circle of evil, a group of us evil people are getting together for universe dominating. We got me, Lavos, Lex Luthor, The joker,Bill gate and a few others. please send a rspv if you want to join, It will be on earth in my underwater sub we will have cake and tea.

28.1.06  
Anonymous Lt Dobson said...

***NON-PRIORITY TRAFFIC***
To: Sith Lord Darth Sidious, most excellent emperor of the known galaxy, etc. etc. addr:darthsidious@thulegesellschaft.plan.na

Diverted to: Sith Lord Darth Vader, aka Anakin Caften Skywalker. addr:webmaster@societyofevilimmaculatelyconceivedknightbastards.co.ta

Hello Lord Vader,
Just wanted to let you know that your data stream isn't compatible with 32,768gbps protocols. Get Moff Jerjerrod to do some work on it. He'll do a crap job and you'll have an excuse to strangle him (reference: How to Succeed as An Evil Galactic Lord, page 4,000,097)
.

Thanks,
Lt. Dobson
Australia, Earth
PS: Have you ever heard of Earth?

30.6.06  

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