Author Chester Burton Brown
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Author Chester Burton Brown

20050516

This Is Tense


It begins.

How do you track one man named Luke Skywalker amid a teeming galaxy of quadrillions? Today, the question answers itself.

When I awoke this morning in my newly repaired hyperbaric chamber (rent asunder as it was during yesterday's tantrum) I sensed a disturbance in the Force, followed immediately by a pain in all the diodes down my left side. I winced. Sensing activity, the chamber's automated intelligences swung into action, uncoupling my life support systems from the charger and reconnecting my respirator and masque.

As I rose I stumbled, so useless was my leg. My new leg! I cursed the roboticists and their crude work as I summoned the stream of Force I would require to soothe the malfunction.

Uneasy, I rode to the bridge and took my post before the wide viewports, gazing out at the apparently unfinished Death Star orbiting the verdant marble of Endor's forest moon. That is when I spotted the Tyderian shuttle stretch out of hyperspace and proceed toward us, a speck against the velvet.

The Force sang.

I strode over to Admiral Piett as he bent over the deflector control officer and inquired about the shuttle. They had transmitted an old code, but a valid one. The shuttle's arrival was no doubt according to the designs of my master, Darth Sidious the Emperor Palpatine.

"Seems normal enough to me," contributed the deflector control officer. "It's not like they're trying to keep their distance or anything."

"Shall I hold them?" prompted Piett, sensing my interest.

I closed my eyes and probed deeply, feeling my way along the dense network of the Force to the cluster of nodes that entwined the shuttle and its occupants. I knew at once that Han Solo was alive, and that Boba Fett must be dead; I saw a faceless droid, a primitive, and a woman bathed in the glare of destiny, lost in the halo surrounding my son, Luke Skywalker, his spirit blazing so that I cringed.

My left leg failed, and I found myself jigging across the bridge unceremoniously. My focus returned and I steadied my errant limb, straightening slowly and stepping back toward the console. "Do not concern yourself, Admiral," I said in answer to Piett's quiet look.

I ordered the shuttle be let through. The defensive screen was collapsed and the Tyderian craft dropped away toward the forest moon.

My son is here! I knew something was happening. The cloaking veil has grown, and I know not who generates it -- never the less, nothing could hide his presence from me. Does my master see what I see? Dare I tell him?

This is tense.

I rushed aboard my shuttle and had it flown directly to the Death Star. Even as we landed in the hangar I had not decided my strategy. I moved briskly toward the Emperor's tower, striding through the corridor toward his private lift, the entrance to which was flanked by two Imperial Guards in crimson robes.

Before I reached them Moff Jerjerrod stepped out of the shadows between two bulkheads. "Lord Vader, what an unexpected surprise," he grinned condescendingly, blocking my path. "I'm afraid His Excellency does not wish to be disturbed at the moment."

I cannot fathom what hallucination fuels his arrogance! In answer I raised my gloved hand and willed his airways closed. Jerjerrod grabbed frantically at his collar, dropping to his knees and gasping. I said, "I will see the Emperor. Now."

Jerjerrod nodded weakly, but the Imperial Guards took a sudden step forward, their force-pikes levelled and crackling. Their will reflects the desires of Darth Sidious directly, and so I knew I dared not stand against them. I nodded my assent silently and released my hold on Jerjerrod, who collapsed to the deck in a fit of agonized wheezing and voided his bladder.

"I will await the Emperor's convenience," I declared, and then turned heel and swept out to the anteroom.

An hour later Moff Jerjerrod emerged escorting my master's Imperial ministers and two tall Kaminoans, their white heads bobbing gracefully as they walked. They proceeded to the main lift. Two Imperial Guards emerged next and stood before me. "The Dark Lord grants you audience tomorrow morning, Darth Vader."

Tomorrow morning? I could not believe it. But all I said was, "As the Emperor commands."

I am feeling more and more dispensible every day. I have taken up my quarters aboard the Death Star again while I wait for morning, gazing out at the clouds of the Sanctuary Moon. I spent some time trying to reconfigure my leg circuitry, but I cannot even seem to find the problem. I listened to some music, and did not eat much supper.

If indeed my master does plan to betray the Sith and pervert the succession, is there a way I can act to preserve the prophecy? This is the question that contorts my mind tonight.

Am I now truly irrelevant to the galaxy's fate?

83 Comments:

Blogger seth said...

Watch out Vader! The prophecy nears!

16.5.05  
Blogger Will said...

Seriously awesome.

16.5.05  
Blogger Joel d. Hathaway said...

My Dear Lord Vader,

As Curator and Grand Master of Ceremonies of the Galactic Muny, may I say how disappointed I was to hear you would not be renewing your season passes. Sir, I make it a point never to argue with a Sith Lord, but in this case I will make an exception. Might I suggest that passing on this seasons lineup was paramount to…well, supposing you could take on Obi-Wan by yourself.

I know that you took great exception last season to Wookies, the classic musical by Android Lort Weber. We have since canceled that show. In its place is another classic by Android Lort Weber’s—one I think you will find of particular interest—called Phantom of the Menance. In this tragic tale of love, a masked man fights to reveal his human side despite his monstrous appearance. Certainly, I mean no disrespect. I hear the Huttees women find your unmasked appearance quite striking. Still, I think much in this character resonates with your own (might I be so bold as to say) troubled history.

The Muny will also have returning favorites such as:
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep – in this musical rendition of a 20th Century favorite.
What do you mean my mother is a Wampa? – a sure to be classic-worthy comedy about a young Jawa whose life is wrought with confusion and conundrum as he searches for his mother.
Sith Down, and Have another Jedi! – in this yet to be revealed storyline, drama ensues the lives of two friends who chose different paths.
Star Wars – I’m sorry if the name seems less than compelling, but this musical is now celebrating its 1000th birthday. Released on Earth in the Sol system, this musical features the original cast (resurrected as Clones of course) including Carrie Fisher.

So, holo today and don’t miss your chance to renew your subscription to this year’s musical extravaganza at the Galactic Muny,

Sincerely,

Ti-we-we, Curator and Grand Master of Ceremonies of the Galactic Muny

16.5.05  
Anonymous Robotic Parts Limited said...

Dear Vader, Darth
You Warranty on 1 Robot Leg was void 13 years ago since your leg was installed 23 years ago. However your "persuasion" skills are Impressive, Most Impressive with your skill of Trachea Crushing my son All too easy for you. If you want to come to my store to have a warranty extension, Come visit me at Level 401, Imperial Towers, Coruscant.
Yours Sincerely,

Jacre Kigol
Nothyundai of Panadol

P.S You also owe me the repair droid you destroyed during the fitting of your 3 arms/limbs. I find your lack of compensation disturbing

16.5.05  
Blogger Syldran said...

pure genius, i say.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Ti-we-we,

"A Long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away."

Referencing past Earth events makes no sense whatsoever.

Hugs and Kisses,
Anonymous

16.5.05  
Blogger Little Miss said...

Death comes to us all Lord Vader....

16.5.05  
Anonymous Dr. Freud Jeung said...

Dear Darth:

Frankly, I believe that you would be a happier person or at least a satisfied person, like your brother, if you had stayed in Tatooine as a kid. You were not really a slave but just a poor kid with an after-school job. Your mother was freed by a kind man who married her and would have adopted you.

Instead you wanted to be a Jedi. These are folks that berated you because you were "full of fear". Really? A kid leaves his mother and gets taken to another planet and he is supposed to be all happy? They also didn't like that you didn't "learn to let go of things". You mean that not wanting to forget your mother is a bad thing?

You know, the Jedi messed you up badly. However, as bad as the Jedi were, falling for the machinations of Sidious, an egotistical, power-mad, criminal politican, was not the smartest thing you ever did either.

BTW, Have you thought about your own mortality? If there is a Jedi/Sith afterlife, would you want to hang around forever with Obi-Wan (the dismemberer) and that backwards talking frog? Just a thought.

P.S. I'm beginning to hate Lucas.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone dies alone.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Lord I have a question for you on your tormentor/instructor Yoda.

How old is that creature? If he is that smart, how come in all of these years it hasn't learn to speak in proper grammar? All of the other non-humanoids speak properly; the race announcer(s) in Tatooine was(were) very verbally gifted and you as a nine year old kid made a over-eloquent droid.

Last question. Why does Yoda sound so much like miss piggy?

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you were in Cannes yesterday! I would really know what kind of machine you use to travel through time and space so quickly..

16.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Vader said...

Dear Anonymous,

Re: Yoda.

It is my understanding that Yoda suffers from a unique disability in which a large anal tumour in the shape of a middle-aged man extends downward from the bowel, causing Yoda both considerable difficulty and social embarrassment.

I believe it's called Frank Ozism. I understand that he used to take medication to treat the condition (an elixir called "Maya"), but was forced to suffer when I had his prescription service cancelled.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

16.5.05  
Anonymous Nelson said...

Watch out! help is on the way!

16.5.05  
Blogger Eduardo said...

Your use of "tense" is a fantastic reference. Your interplay between what is revealed in the prequels and what we see in the original trilogy is abso-freakin'-lutely masterful.

I will stop gushing now. Unless the fleet is looking for a new sycophant, that is...

16.5.05  
Blogger Juna Duncan said...

Hey Vader. I think you could use this.

Emperor's To-Do List

May the dark force be with you.

16.5.05  
Blogger Christy said...

You should seriously dump the Emperor. You could be so much more powerful. And something is bothering me - you lost Amidala. She had to be the most beautiful woman in the galaxy. Do you ever feel sad about it?

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking objectively, I see two options here.

The Emperor is obviously scared shitless of you (Something you do very well, btw. My compliments.) and is therefore losing his grip on power.

Your two options are:

1.)Crush the cackling freak's trachea and be done with it. If your son prefers to remain a Jedi, there are certainly a number of minions who might make excellent candidates for apprentice.

2.) The prophecy states you will bring balance to the Force. Should you bring your son before him, YOU could turn. (It's an option. Why limit yourself?) In doing so, you might do away with that whole light/dark side thing which, as you correctly pointed out, is merely a matter of perspective anyway. If the onus is put on the Force adept and not the Force itself, you'll have opened new possibilities for all who follow.

Yoda did not see this second option, which is tragic. The good news, for you anyway, is neither did Sidious.

Either way, he's gotta go. Remember my comment about the lightning. Be a good time to whack the old fart. For the Sith. For the Jedi. You've been both. You owe both. And yourself.

(You get pretty philosophical sitting in a fabric-covered hell known as an office.)

16.5.05  
Blogger mightypeo said...

Darth Vader quoting Marvin, the paranoid android ! that is priceless

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DV,

It appears as though your dictation droid is a 'malfunctioning little twerp', as it has left a typo on your most recent post.

I believe that it should read, 'eat' and not 'each' in the sentence, " I listened to some music, and did not each much supper."

Got to keep an eye on those restraining bolts...

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I listened to some music, and did not each much supper."

I don't each much either.

16.5.05  
Blogger Reem said...

Hey Vader,

How the hell do you manage to have sex ? or did ur dick escape the lava?

or do u simply use the "force" to enjoy unlimited orgasm?

16.5.05  
Blogger Rousseau said...

Why do you have a name that means Dark Father?

16.5.05  
Anonymous Miss Piggy said...

What? What? The emperor won't see you? He won't see MY sweetie? Let me at him. I'll drag his hood on the ground, stomp his head into the pond, and fling him this way and that. Argrrrr... Kermit, Kermit, I have a job for you.

16.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

16.5.05  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

"and I found myself jigging across the bridge unceremoniously."
Ha!
*wipes tears of laughter from eye* Damn. That's priceless!

16.5.05  
Blogger Aft Cap said...

"It's not like they're trying to keep their distance or anything."

Heh. They don't look like they're trying to keep their distance.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader

Imperial Security Internal Monitoring - Visual Media Division is again having its "Wild Weekend Bash" and you enjoyed yourself so much at the last one. We are sure that you will want to attend this year's. We have again compiled a "Gag Reel" of you crushing tracheas with your mind. This year's reel has some good footage from last year's party and on that note we will be tripling the numbers of ISIMVMD that will be required to attend.

As always, your willing servants

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader, you ask if there is a way to preserve the prophecy, I beleive there is. First you should remember who you are dealing with and what happened to his last apprentice. You should remember him well, he cut off your arm. Sidious didn't seem too concerned about losing one apprentice when a more powerful one was available. Luke, with a limited amount of training, no fencing skills, and only a basic understanding of the Force gave you a pretty decent challenge. Now, he has a much greater understanding of the Force. He's probably too powerful for you. I'm sure your Master knows this as well. I think his plan is to have Luke destroy you and take your place at his side. Your only hope is to not allow this to happen. I imagine the plan is to have the three of you walk into a room, and only two of you walk out. either you will be destroyed, or you will watch your son be destroyed. My advice to you, is if for some reason Luke strikes at the Emperor, Let him. What ever you do. don't get between them! Let Luke take out the Emperor, then you and Luke can go fishing and catch up on old times and you can explain to him why the galaxy needs a strong leader to maintain order.

16.5.05  
Blogger Aiden's 'rents said...

Lord Vader,

After reading your blog for the last few weeks, I've noticed very little activity on the weekends. I was beginning to think you were a Monday thru Friday kinda guy.

After reading the posts this morning, I guess galactic domination sometimes spills into your days off.

Bummer.

16.5.05  
Blogger Fuzzball said...

Another brilliant entry.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Singular Quartet said...

Lord Darth Vader

An important thing to remember, is that attempting to avoid a prophecy always causes that prophecy to come to a head. This is espeacially important in Darth Sidious's case, as he is a very powerful user of that which brought about the prophecy.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just so you know, Boba Fett isn't dead. he survived his troubles on tatooine.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Marvin the Paranoid Android said...

You think you're having a bad day...

Don't talk to me about bad days. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they send me to fetch hitchhikers...

I know what you're going through with the diodes, it never goes away. I'm three times as old as the universe itself and I've had that problem for as long as I can remember. I can remember quite a lot too...

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

I understand you may be slightly upset or depressed as to the death of your dear (and possibly only) friend Boba Fett. My deepest sympathies go out to you on this occasion. However, in my research of past cultures, I have come across an artist from the Sol system in the 21st century by the name of 'mc chris.' He was what the people of the time called a 'white rapper' and I believe he may have been touched by the Force (the people of that time called it clairvoyancy).
However, back to my original point regarding Master Fett. This 21st century artist wrote a song about him entitled "Fett's Vette" which I believe you may find to be quite enjoyable. Of course, people of the era had no idea what he was talking about as they had never heard of Master Fett. Nevertheless the song is unique and I only wish I could have told you about it before Master Fett's untimely passing.

Please don't crush my trachea.

Sincerely,

Jin-gow Kespan
Imperial Culture Research

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is wrong with you people? According to the text at the start of EVERY Star Wars movie it says "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."

LONG TIME AGO.

IN THE PAST.

Earth is not a past culture, it is a FUTURE one!

Nitwits.

16.5.05  
Blogger Luke Skywalker said...

Hey, dad.

Um, what's your c/o addres on Endor? I thought I'd cut out the "wandering aimlessly through teddybear-jungle" bit and go straight for nearest convenient base?

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lord Vader,

We have been accounting moneys owed to and by the estates of those annihilated on Alderaan some two years ago and have found a grievous clerical error. It appears you owe your late wife's estate 200 million credits in back child support, not including interest and penalties, for an unnamed daughter not placed in the care of your brother.

Please contact the Imperial Family Services Agency at your earliest convenience to rectify this matter.

Sincerely,

R2R NDSN,
Senior Accounting Droid

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what's your opinion on the interesting naming coincidince of LUKE skywalker the character and george LUCAS the writer?

E

16.5.05  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Crushing tracheas is not an easy habit habit to break, but it may make you more sociable and fun at parties if you can avoid doing it.

16.5.05  
Blogger Mark Skid said...

Quality

16.5.05  
Blogger Lizanne said...

A die hard Star Wars fan and an avid reader of this blog. Thank you for bringing Vader to life! I will miss this!

16.5.05  
Blogger Yada_Yoda said...

Humm, Anonymous...
Strong the force is. Places you will see, the past, the future, old friends long gone. To the force, the past, the future, these are one. That which has been will yet be, and that which will yet be has been already. Tomorrow and yesterday have the force in common. There is no end, no beginning. We say "A long, long, time ago..." but we mean tomorrow. We imagine the future, but simply experience an echo of the past. These are the ways of the force. Strange. Powerful, and unpredictable.

Humm, yes. This one is weak in the force, no imagination, no hope. Lost is he to all but the crudeness of the present.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,

Nitwits.

Nitpicker.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Darth Bob said...

Lord Vader,

Long have I dreamed of wearing a cool black helmet and crushing tracheas. Even as a wee lad I could wait to stomp the decks and rule with a black leather clad fist. The light saber made it a lock.

How can I go about getting a degree in Dark Overlord Science? Is it a 4 year program? Are the books expensive?

These obstacles won't slow me down. I vow to crush the trachea of all who oppose me. Long will your memories last after your reign as generations of followers will pick up the saber of your rule.

There is none more respected and feared in all the Galaxy. Surely you shall rule in to eternity.

Long live the Empire!

Oootini!

16.5.05  
Anonymous Hurb'ngan Thetlost'nar said...

Lord Vader,
I would just like to inform you that your journal has been awarded the coveted "U.C. Rated" award for original online material. You may now proudly display the "U.C. Rated" icon in your journal if you so desire. The icon may be retrieved from my website at keithneilson.co.uk
We at U.C. look forward to further tales of your exploits and daily life which you expound with great wit and candour. I'm sure we are not alone in wishing you every success in all your future ventures.

Yrs

Hurb'ngan Thetlost'nar
Awards Administrator,
U.C. Internet Media Organisation

16.5.05  
Blogger Nextel Pod Racer said...

vader,


its nextel i come from a planet called earth.have you ever been here?i was just wondering if you can use the force to make you "hiGh"????1 more thing i dont talk to my mom or dad...moms in prison dad is a piece of sh*t.so i feel ya bro.peace in the galaxy.Nextel Pod Racer

16.5.05  
Anonymous Dr. Romay said...

Respectable Lord Vader,

QUOTE
"When I awoke this morning in my newly repaired hyperbaric chamber (wrent asunder as it was during yesterday's tantrum) I sensed a disturbance in the Force, followed immediately by a pain in all the diodes down my left side. I winced."

Simply... I can't stop laughing!

Keeping up with barbarian enterprises,

Dr. C. Romay

16.5.05  
Blogger FlotsamCollector said...

CheesburgerBrown,

Great blog! Insightful and eloquent.

After reading some of your other material at MFDH, I also highly recommend that you try another venture into commercialization of your original material...

Maybe it will work out better than the TV show.

May the Force be with you in ALL your endeavors.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Lorelai said...

Surely Lord Vader you can see how the Emperor toys with you...you were merely a pawn in his game when he appointed you Darth Vader. He cares naught of you.

16.5.05  
Blogger Blueray said...

My my this here Anakin guy, maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small fry. He left his home and kissed his mummy goodbye, singing soon I'm gonna be a jedi, soon I'm gonna be a jedi. - Weird Al song.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blueray, the song is "The Saga Begins", and it is to be found on Weird Al Yankovic's album, Running With Scissors.

(Personally, I found "Your Horoscope For Today" even better...)

16.5.05  
Blogger Taclobanon said...

Dear Darth Vader:

Do the presence of the Kaminoans mean that Palpatine had himself readied for cloning? That does mean that Palpatine will, somehow, somewhere, rise again?

Please look into it, my Lord.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Simply Amazing

16.5.05  
Blogger j00|{z said...

You are awesome. Please come back, Anakin. Luke so much wants to go fishing with you some day. That'll never happen if you try to lure him to the dark side. Because I know.
I am so good.

16.5.05  
Blogger VW said...

*****PRIORITY TRANSMISSION*****

FM: General Gargol, CO Imperial Command Da'Hoow Sector
TO: HIE Palpatine c/o Endor Task Group
CC: Sithlord Vader c/o Endor Task Group

SUBJ: SITREP Dagobah

1. Two days ago remote sensors detected ion trails with a signature consistent with a Rebel T-17 X-Wing fighter craft. The trail terminated at the planet Dagobah.

2. Since previous droid probes to Dagobah have always failed upon their entering the planet's gravity well, Dagobah was believed to be unsuitable for Rebel operations. However, as a precautionary a probe droid was dispatched to the planet.

3. To everyone's surprise this probe did not fail but was able to arrive at the planet's surface imtact. It uncovered landing traces of the X-Wing, leading our investigation team to conclude that a Rebel pilot did indeed visit the planet but had since departed.

4. The probe also discovered a small dwelling showing recent signs of habitation, with DNA traces of at least 2 people.

5. Our team has identified one trace as belonging to Rebel commander Luke Skywalker, while the other is confirmed (with 99.9 percent confidence) to be that of Yoda, former advisor to the Imperial Senate and ranking member of the old Jedi High Council. The dimensions of the dwelling indicate that it belonged to Yoda.

6. Although we have no record as to the current abilities of Yoda, we are operating on the theory that Skywalker may have recruited the former Jedi to the Rebel cause, and delivered him to Rebel territory. His fighter could easily accommodate such a small being.

7. The probe droid has also recovered an artifact which we have identified as a lightsabre. Its size suggests it may have belonged to Yoda. Per Imperial Standing Order 38, it is being sent to Sithlord Vader via Imperial courier.

8. We request confirmation as to whether Imperial Standing Order 37 (relating to disposal of Jedi property) is still in effect, and whether the Emperor wishes Yoda's dwelling to be either left alone or destroyed.

*****END MESSAGE*****

16.5.05  
Blogger TIMMY! said...

TIMMY!!!

16.5.05  
Blogger Demosthenes said...

Quite an endeavor, taking on the role of such a famed and loved character. But I shan't heat your ego. On the other hand, arrogance is a key to the dark side. I often find myself walking a fine line between vanity and ambition, and as with any success it is difficult to stay on that line. But when people criticize me for such behavior, my drive is completely sapped once I try to change my ways, albeit after being accelerated in a jab at vengence. Now, it occurs to me that maybe you just wanted to write a blog about the troubled Anakin himelf, or perhaps your really are Darth Vader. It occurs to me that you might not want to hear all this philisophically sith stuff, so I will stop. You do seem to have creative imput, and I am interested in Vader's take on the society of our world... just follow the link.

16.5.05  
Anonymous Imperial Research Commitie said...

Dear Lord Vader,
We have been doing some research into the past activites of Space Pilots. We have been able to determine that Shmi Skywalker, your mother, got a little drunk on Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and had a little fun with one of the other members of the bar. While she was unable to remember the event, Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters will do that, we have determined that it was in fact Mace Windu. Just thought you might be interested.
Sincerly,
The Imperial Research Commitie

16.5.05  
Anonymous Leto Atreides said...

Ñoños de mierda, ponganse a trabajar en lugar de escribir sandeces...

16.5.05  
Anonymous Galactic Vogue - Editor in Chief said...

Lord Vader, daaahling of death

It's been soooo long since we caught up! Mmwah! Listen, I just wanted to follow up on our recent cover shoot. You looked absolutely maaaaahvelous in your cape. Despite losing several make-up artists to asphyxiation (I know, I know dear, how hard it is sometimes...don't you worry your shiny helmeted head about it!), the shot was just fab. FAB!

However, we're really wondering if we can try something out...our photo editor thinks this really really works for our reader...how about changing the color scheme just one time for the shoot? He's thinking of two possibilities...we can go for a safari look, with a furry knitted ewok skin cape, khaki canvas covered helmet with tauntaun leather strap, we can go with a bit of camo paint on the face mask, and replacing on your black leather with supple hermes calf-skin. boots would be obviously in high patina thigh high riders.

The other possibility is to go 'high tech' (with all due respect to your onboard technology...herewith referring just to the 'look'), and have shiny reflective chrome here, there and everywhere! Chrome plated helmet, face mask, full reflective eyepiece, etc. as for the leathers, here we would go with a white patent leather finish for that extra gloss. Cape of woven wookie hair dyed white. And to match your red saber, we can go with a bright red lacquered breast plate.

What do you think, sweetie? You ABSOLUTELY have to let me know, one way or another, soon!

Let's catch up for a martini sometime in your chambers.

Ahnah

16.5.05  
Anonymous fradidog said...

Master Vader guide us. Master Vader teach us. Master Vader protect us. In
your light we thrive. In your power we are awed. In your mercy we are sheltered. In your wisdom
we are humbled. We live only to serve. Our lives are yours..."

Your most lowly servent;
fradidog

16.5.05  
Anonymous Vork the Terrible said...

I gotta tell ya, being your own boss is the way to be. I slaved for years as a navigator on a pirate frigate before I finally snapped and shot my old Captain.

Even though this led to a chain of events that involved me being chased through the entire ship by his vengefully loyal crew before finally stealing a disused Y-wing from the hangar deck and escaping, it was the best decision I ever made. The Force favors the bold, and rewards them. I now command the largest pirate fleet in the Mid Rim.

Gut your Emperor like a fish, crush his trachea, something. Dance on his corpse when you're done. Show him who's boss.

-Vork

P.S. If you have any designs on clamping down on piracy once you become Emperor, zip me a message. We do government contract work, and someone's started a silly rumor about pirates in this sector.

16.5.05  
Blogger Labbie said...

Am I weird in that, every morning as I wake in bed, I hear someone call my name; I answer, "yes, Master," and this person tells me to riiiiise?

16.5.05  
Blogger Dysfunctional Fantasies said...

pity I cnt digest the starwars fever in me, hv nvr been a fan. Puzzling..

16.5.05  
Blogger Sam said...

Just wanted to tip my hat - your blog is genius. It's not only hilarious, but also a great tribute to Star Wars and other pop culture phenoena. Thanks and I hope Darth Vader will continue to share his innermost thoughts for a long time to come. Who woulda' thunk it - the Dark Lord, a philosophical, reflective, evil murderer with a sense of humor!

16.5.05  
Blogger Joan said...

Mood swings are such a bitch, aren't they? One day, you've never felt so alive, the next, you're wondering why you're still alive...

Lord Vader, is there any possibility that you would publish your earlier journals, chronicling your years as a padawan, or your early years as a Sith? Have you thought about getting an agent and going after a book deal? I wish you would.

(Is that unbearably tacky, to make such selfish requests of a Sith lord? Fortunately I think I'm out of trachea-crushing range.)

17.5.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just an FYI - The Shuttle Tyderium was a Lamda Class Shuttle. It wasn't a shuttle of Tyderian manufacture - Tyderium was its name. (As a side note, I believe that Tyderium is some type of SW mineral or ore.)

17.5.05  
Blogger Jakub said...

Cześć. Fajnego masz bloga.

Zapraszam na http://gaduly.pl . ;)

17.5.05  
Anonymous Cara said...

Hey, fradidog...

Make sure Master Rahl never hears of such infamy (or you will respond to me and my red leather).

(Oh, and long live Lord Vader!)

(May Lord R never hear this either)

Sweetly,
Cara

17.5.05  
Blogger Anthony Vanoo said...

This stuf makes me pee myself. It's that good master.

Star Wars Episode III Secret Plot Twists:

Why Darth Vader Wears the Mask

George W. Bush Is Darth Vader

Obi Wan Kenobi Steals Darth Vader's Wife

Darth Vader, Who's Your Daddy?

17.5.05  
Anonymous fradidog said...

Mistress Cara;

Tremble in remembrance of the Ageil i do, but i wanted to incite a rumble between Master Vader and Master Rahl just to see who is the really the stronger, Vader and Darken or maybe Richard. Besides, just i can’t get little ditty out of my head. So many masters are confusing. In the end, there can only be one. Curiosity killed the cat^h^h^h dog but satisfaction brought him back.

Your most lowly servant;
fradidog

P.S. i wonder if there is any relation between the Mord-Sith and the Sith Lords?

17.5.05  
Blogger tps12 said...

I love the title. A Great Moment if there ever was one.

18.5.05  
Anonymous Blah said...

The guy who built C3PO can't get one cybernetic leg to work right?

19.5.05  
Blogger Cheeseburger Brown said...

Rock on tps12.

Without your inspiration The Darth Side would never have come to be.

Love,

CheeseburgerBrown

20.5.05  
Anonymous An Old Friend (the typist can be found here) said...

Dear Anakin,

I hope this letter finds you well, not that I was expecting anything else, really.

So you've been throwing your weight about have you not now? Glad to see you're having fun.

Oif, now I wish I hadn't gotten involved in that whole bloody mess with you. "I shall only return stronger," blah blah blah! What was I thinking?!? Honestly, being one with the Force isn't as cracked up as I made it out to be. For one, most of the Jedis who went on before me are old, tottering, grouchy and apparently lack the art of bladder control. I for one have never been inadvertently peed on seven times in a single sitting (twice courtesy of myself if I might so proudly add), not since I got here anyway.

Bugger that, and do you know what these idiots say about me? Blah blah blah, idiot who lost to his student, blah blah blah. If you ask me, I'd wish they'd just piss off. Metaphorically that is.

Ah well, time for dinner I guess. They're serving oatmeal. And rightfully so. I reckon they won't be serving veal anytime soon, not since we helped set a new record for the longest dinner ever - 7 blazing days. Well, 7 days and 5 minutes if you include the incident of old Longley misplacing his dentures.

Take good care of yourself, Anakin. You're probably the last person I'd want to see here.

Or anywhere for that matter.

Love,
Obi-Wan a.k.a Big Old Ben (BoB)

p.s. Qui-Gon sends his regards. Be not dismayed if you can't remember him. I don't think senile dementia would allow him to remember you at any rate regardless.

1.6.05  
Blogger King of Controversy said...

What, do you watch the films and then create your own short passage on what you have seen? You ara good at it, though.

10.6.05  
Anonymous PPC Sally said...

Hmmm, isn't time for a rerelease yet ?

25.7.05  
Anonymous Euro Travel Guy said...

Darth You Rock, I've seen Episode III, 18 times !!!

27.7.05  
Anonymous Darth the Coupon Maven said...

DArth please come back for Christmas, please !

16.12.05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

1.5.07  
Anonymous Ted said...

You've done a great job with this blog. Very entertaining!

28.3.08  
Anonymous Florida Web Design said...

This is some really good stuff. I think many of us wrestle with the same thoughts at one time or another.

18.5.09  
Anonymous Louis said...

Your site is amazing.I am very impressed to see this,i want to come back for visiting your site.Keep doing Good as well as you can..

16.9.10  

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