Author Chester Burton Brown
For new material please visit my main blog, CHEESEBURGER BROWN: SCI-FI STORY WALLAH.
Author Chester Burton Brown


And Me, With A Pain In All The Diodes Down My Left Side

Getting some "me time." Mood: melancholy.

We have arrived at Coruscant, and I have retired to the Imperial Palace. I stand at my balcony and meditate on the sky, mad whorls of cloud pierced by endless lines of speeders. The constance of their hum is insectile, and reminds me of the sand crickets back home.

From below, the towers reach up like fingers, trying to touch the glowing underbellies of the clouds.

There is no world like Coruscant.

Tomorrow I will be summoned to my master's chambers to report to him our progress. I am uncertain whether I should bother to relate the lead from Fett at Ord Mantell until the chase provides more fruit. My loathing for the cowardly deserter and rag-tag terrorist Han Solo may be clouding my judgement. I must meditate on the matter longer.

On a more banal note something has gone wrong with my left leg. For the time being I have avoided limping by overriding the control circuitry with the power of the force, but this is needlessly draining. I have called for a repair droid, but it has been over an hour and there is still no sign.

Later, I will find the man responsible for dispatching the repair droids and crush his trachea with my mind. I also have tentative lunch plans with General Krelcon and his people, possibly in the Corellian quarter.


Blogger Automated Response said...

To the occupant of [Room XR-142, Restricted Sector, Imperial Palace]
a credit account has not been activated for the length of your stay with us, therefore your request made on 2005.04.13 22.40.42 for [Shave My Wookie Thang] on your in-room Entertainment Hologram System (C) was not awknowledged.
Please do not attempt to respond to this message as no one reads them.
P.S. Please do not ask for a seperate invoice for your entertainment items for expensing purposes as we're undermanned and cannot take the time for such trivial requests.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Young Master Vader;

A woman’s tongue,
Three inches long,
Rules over men,
Six feet tall.

Who really rules Han?
Who is by now, your son-in-law.
The Universe is a prankster.
Does your Master have a master we should know about?

Amb. K. Naranek

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should talk to Marving the Paranoid Android. He is 37 times older than the universe itself, and he has had a pain in his diodes down his left side for the entire time.

Look him up, he might have some pointers.

Blogger Talya said...

Yeah, Zaphodg is cool, too.

Althought, Arthur Dentg rules!

Blogger Hoka-shay-honaqut said...

Used Ewoks. Cheap!

1 888 ---- bingorage

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marvin would certainly only annoy Lord Vader. And it wouldn't do to destroy him in the usual way... That's just what he wants to have happen.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The diode problem may require a BIOS update. We've had other evil lords with similar equipment reporting identical failures. A quick check of our sales logs indicates that your left leg may still be under warranty (pro-rated for accumulated mileage of course).

Of course, you could "FORCE" us to help you without paying... "Force"! Get it!? FORCE! AHHH HA HA HA! You sith lords are a constant source of entertainment!

One last thing, Han told us to say hi!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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If you act now we'll include Norton CyberSecure 7719 30 day free trial. With Norton CyberSecure 7791, Bio-Neuro signals can be automatically rerouted around damaged circuity caused during light saber duels or from blaster wounds.

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Blogger egon_beeblebrox said...

Didn't think you'd be a Douglas Adams fan, Lord Vader. But it's commendable. Is Marvin a part of the Dark Side?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should probably contact the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


First, sorry for the lengthly delay in retrieving all your personal e-mails from when you were stationed at the Death Star. I hope all is well with you.

The spam filter we were applying to Empire mail at this station was a bit aggressive and filtered out a product recall message that might be of interest. This message was discovered in the back-up:

Galactic Prosthetics Voluntarily Recalls Spring-In-Your-Step Model 2340

This is to advise you that Galactic Prosthetics has decided to issue a voluntary recall of the Spring-In-Your-Step Model 2340 attachment leg.

The reason for this is that Galactic Prosthetics has received several reports of control circuitry problems which cause difficulties controlling the limb. Cases of diode pain have been traced to a manufacturers defect in this product.

Galactic Prosthetics has notified the Republic Consumer Product Safety Commission (RCPSC) and is proceeding with a voluntary recall in your area because we have determined that it is the most prudent and responsible way to prevent injuries from occurring.

Consumers will have the option of returning the leg directly to Galactic Prosthetics for a full refund or complimentary servicing.

Galactic Prosthetics will reimburse you for your freight costs if you a) claim your freight costs on your return paperwork or, b) send us a freight claim after the return indicating your claim is for the returned product.

Galactic Prosthetics apologizes that we cannot reimburse you for incidental costs related to replacement/rental limbs while the defective leg is being repaired or in transit.

Should you have any questions about the return of the product, please contact Galactic Prosthetic Customer Service between 8:00am and 9:00am.

Thank you for your support on this matter.
Prosthetically yours,
Robin Lewis
Customer Service and Warranties
Galactic Prosthetics

Darth, we also managed to find a voice-mail message left by a Galactic Prosthetics sales rep about using your frequent buyer points to instead upgrade to a newer deluxe model. He went on and on about what a great customer you have been and said that he could give you a great deal if you could get in touch with him by weeks end - probably one of those sales quota things.

My apologies that we couldn't pass along this information earlier.

Dennis Weber
File Retrieval and Privacy Office
IT Department, Substation 4213


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