I Don't Know If It's Art, But I Know What I Like
Human science experiments. A meditation on sculpture.
Today we put Captain Solo into the carbon freezing chamber, in order to test the system before capturing Luke Skywalker for delivery to my master, Sidious, on Coruscant. Everything went swimmingly -- the punk smuggler was put into perfect stasis. And people question the merits of human experimentation!
Captain Solo's body was half-visible, fused in mid-emergence from the face of the carbon brick. He was frozen in a cry of agony, hands grasping like claws, pelvis turned.
It made a beautiful sculpture. A perfect captured moment of a man in bondage, his heart blackened by hopelessness and pain.
It really spoke to me. Made me feel weird.
The worst of it is that his friends will try to rescue him, no matter how fruitless the attempt. They will die trying to save him. He will stay in that block of carbonite, reaching out forever until they come. And they will try.
I have felt Skywalker as he landed at this city, just moments ago...
"Well, I'm off to the wop-wops," said Boba Fett genially as he stood beside me in the carbon freeze chamber. He was looking forward to his reward from the Hutts. "Crash hot kai they have on Tatoonine," he said with relish. I had no idea what he was talking about so I just nodded. In front of the prisoners and the men I bid him farewell formally and he escorted Solo's carbon prison away. "Bounty hunter," I said with a small bow.
Calrissian balked when I ordered him to take Leia Organa and the wookiee to my shuttle, but I could steer his mind with my pinky. It does not require much concentration to puppeteer fools.
...Though I admit my mind is now focused on my son. He is here!
Gotta go.
Posted by Darth Vader at 04:30
: Kindle Novella
72 Comments:
Good luck Lord Vader, sir! You can doh eet!
Around 15 posts to go and your black helmet will be a drum-set for the Ewoks
Dear Tarugoman,
Thank you for your considered support.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Dear Simpson,
Nonsense. The victory of the New Order has been clearly foreseen.
I do not care for pessimists -- you are now dead.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Since you have Leia in captivity, why not untie those braidy things on her head?
Seriously. I want to see what she's hiding there.
Dear Lord Vader
During the freezing of Han Solo, twenty of the twenty-one Ugnaught technicians were injured and will not freeze Skywalker until they are compensated.
Sincerely
Billho Imbo
Mr, Vader,
Miricle Earcream has noticed that several of our employes, door to door salesmen, have vanished aboard your star destroyer. Also our sister company Miracle Shampo has been complaining of similer losses.
We feel we must ask you this. Did you crush their traechea, or merely throw them down a reactor chute?
Miracle Earcream, just a few drops in your ear is garenteed to kill every living thing
Dear Miracle Earscream,
Established Imperial protocol is to scream "Agh-- salesman!" and then secure the blast-door in their face.
...And then we learn the word of the day.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
The game's afoot now that Luke's arrived!
But can you turn him? Will he be an unwitting pawn in the Emporer's game?
Film at 11.
Dear Lord Vader,
Wishing you the best in regards to your son.
"He is here!
Gotta go."
That is absolutely awesome!!! You are a master wordsmith Lord Vader.
Keep up the good work!
Dear Lord Vader,
I keep reading comments about your mastery with words daya after day. While I have no evidence to back myself up, I have the sinking suspicion that you yourself may be posting these complimentary to boost your galactic reputation. Please help me to dispel these notions.
Leedoh Grokelor - Intergalactic Journalist
Your Carnivalesque Scumbag from outer space,
Real evil ones wear Paul Smith suits, not plastic trash bags with a remote control on the chest and an air extractor on the head. And now, give me the detonators or i will count to three...
You go, Darth! Hope everythingh goes well for you and yours. By the way, do I detect a hint of melancholy in your posts? Surely you are not regretting any of your past choices?
Dear Lord Vader,
We refer to the Han Solo Experiment as...
:Han-scream:
Other options, where you not so cheap - where to add a wooden stick at the end. Sincerely,
Lickem or Dripem
Galactic Good Humor Company
"Gotta go"?
Hmmm, I can't see Darth Vader saying that... which makes it even funnier!
Poor Han. ... you Evil meanie! :P
To Darth Vader
Dark Overlord
Mongoloid, Esquire
My dear "great one," how did the Emperor get over the fact that the greatest military defeat suffered by the Empire, the destruction of the Death Star-- a weapons system apparently decades in the making-- was caused by the deliberate transmission of the Death Stars plans to the Rebel Alliance, through the conveyance of the Millenium Falcon, by his "all knowing" Sith underling?
Sincerely,
Rik Trevin
Yamato Shipyards
Sol System
Lord Vader,
Thank you for sharing your own point of view. It's amazing the level of propaganda out there for the so-called "Rebel Alliance." Pshaw!
jenn m.
Oxford, MS
a long, long time from now in a galaxy relatively near.
Carbonite brick scratching your floor? No problemo! Ewoks have natural buffering capabilities that prevent floor scratches. Sprinkle them liberally under carbonite bricks. Slightly used Ewoks. Cheap!
bingorage
I realize that Fett wants to thaw Solo in front of the Hutts, but I don't know if you are aware of Jabba's eclectic collection of art. He may just keep him in that humilating state as a conversation piece. I worked at Jabba's palace back in my clubbing days as a dancer, before Mrs Jabba met her demise. (After that I couldn't keep Jabba's filthy hands off of me.) He had quite the collection. Who could forget how he stuffed Watto and Sepulba and displayed them in a compromising position. Or the great bar stools he made out of the halves of Darth Maul. Not to mention that great plant stand he made of Shmi Skywalker's mummy. You have to admit, Jabba had an eye for decorating!
Ootini!!
Lord Vader,
Your subjects are greatful for your continued sharing of your thoughts.
Darth Vader, I must ask ...
.. what's the point of a Death Star, anyway? Had the Empire spent the money on,say, a thousand star destroyers instead, you'd never have lost at Yavin. 30 snub fighters vs. a thousand star destroyers and their support craft wouldn't make a grease spot.
The ability to destroy a planet -- bah. The entire Imperial Navy together might not be able to DESTROY a planet -- pop it like a balloon -- but even one conventional ship could darn sure render it uninhabitable. Nuke every major city, dump biotoxins in the atmosphere to kill the survivors, take pictures to let the rest of the galaxy knows what happens to those who oppose the Empire. Not quite as impressive, perhaps, but I suspect no less effective.
What Up, LV?
I don't know if this is a question for you or that Calrissian punk.
So I can understand using the carbon freezing chamber for freezing people and all on "special occasions", but what is that thing used for primarily? Is it the keg cooler for the mass quanitities of Colt 45 coming into the Cloud City?
Hi uhh... Mr. Lord Vader?
Yeah, this is ike spivey. I'm down here at the Bespin spaceport, workin' on your personal fighter, just wanted to go over a couple things with ya' before I do any work.
It looks like you've got one of those Sienar custom jobs, the uhh... Advanced x1 series. Yeah, those curved wings're just hell for minocks and it looks like they've chewed through a couple'a lines out there. Repairs on that'll cost ya', repairs on that'll be about 250 imperials.
Also it uhh... seems like you've had some collision damage repaired recently? What'd you get a Bothan to do this? These don't look like approved Sienar parts, I can swap 'em out for ya, do some patchwork on these struts, but it's not gonna be cheap. You might want to take it back to the other place and see if they'll give you a cut on the parts at least. It'll run you something like 2000 imperials installed here.
Some minor upkeep issues... coolant venting, hyperdrive is about due for your 6 lightyear tune up, umm... shocks, sparks, could handle that all for about 200.
Anyway, get back to me. I'll wait on this stuff until I get your approval. Again my name is ike, down here at the spaceport. Thanks.
mouu ha ha ha
I am so colossally disappointed. My prick of a husband was right about you. It breaks my heart.
PS: I enjoyed my nights with Watto.
Hey, I found your blog!
Yes, I'm still alive you bastard.
I never liked you.
Remember when we had you and Padme over for dinner? Remember after we ate you and I had that chat in the garden?
Remember how I told you if anything happened to my daughter, I'd castrate you with a hedge clipper?
Hmmm... a true-to-life bas relief of the handsome smuggler Han Solo... now there's an artpiece I would LOVE to have in my gallery. :D How much to buy Han Solo from you, Lord Vader? Or will I have to negotiate price with someone else? I've heard Jabba the Hutt still has a bounty on him... but it wouldn't be the first time I've been in a bidding war with that overgrown slug. ;)
Sincerely,
Rheota Tagwa
intergalatic merchant/arms dealer/information seller
P.S. If your troops need weapons and armor, I can give you some great discounts... say, 90% off retail price? ;D
Dear Lord Vader,
More useless posturing I see. Yawn.
Your Former Master,
Obi-wan Kenobi
Master Vader...
This girl stumbled upon your journal and has found it very entertaining. So entertaining in fact that she added it as a link on her on journal site. Very impressive Master Vader, and if you are in need of a new slave pet...keep this girl in mind. lol.
pet
Dear Lord Vader,
I have long envied your ability to crush a trachea with your mind. I am a computer engineer, and I'm sure you can see how the skill could be used to resolve tricky user "issues".
I've tried everything, gesturing with my left hand, my right hand, and even making crushing gestures with both hands together but nothing seems to work. I've concentrated until I have a headache, but still my enemies continue breathing.
As the acknowledged expert in the field I wonder if you can offer us amateurs any tips for success?
Yours hopefully,
The Zinc Avenger
Vader,
you still haven't shown up on Korriban yet. I am growing more and more impatient. I do not want the Lord of the Sith not knowing EVERYTHING there is to know about the Dark Side. As a former Sith Lord I still have command of you. You WILL come to Korriban. NOW.
With Great Anger,
Darth Naska
Retired Sith Lord
And soon your Empire will be brought to it's knees by Ewoks!
hahahahahahaahahahahahahahaah.
Lord Vader,
We at JawaJuice Galatic would like to offer you a contract to be the new face for our advertisement campaign. Full year's supply of juice if you sign.
We're assuming you have a face, otherwise, nevermind.
Let us know,
JawaJuice Inc.
Tantooine
Dear Lord Vader,
Sounds like you have a bunch of ninnies in charge of your ship! I'll send Colonel Sandurz to help you out. He will never go over your helmet! Trust me. I would help you out myself but that scum, Lonestar, keeps jamming my radar. Anyway, may the Schwartz be with you.
Your friend
Dark Helmet
The Great and Almighty Isorion would like to know what you consider to be your favorite ice cream flavor. The Magus Maleficus demands an answer!
Lord Vader,
I have been asked to contact you on behalf of the Bespin maintenance crew charged with the cleaning of the carbon-freezing chamber where you intend to secure the rebel scum Luke Skywalker.
After your 'experiment' with Captain Solo, my crew and I were required to clean and polish the carbon-freeze chamber, after the electronics had been reset by the Ugnaught technicians.
M'lord, I'm not sure how to put this delicately, being a lowly maintenance worker, but did you take a close look at the bottom of the carbonite block that encased Captain Solo? If you do, you might notice some variance in the coloring of the carbonite. It appears that while the carbon-freezing process was not 'harmful' to Captain Solo, it did cause him to soil himself, the results of which were left for the maintenance crew.
I'm not sure if you've ever cleaned human waste product from a carbon-freeze tube (I'll guess no) but you may trust me when I tell you it's not a pleasant experience.
We, the members of the maintenance crew, join together in urging you to find another method of securing the rebel scum Skywalker, or we ask that you at least lay you trap in carbon-freeze chamber #7, which is handled by maintenance crew J. Those bastards owe us one already.
respectfully,
Bespin Maintenance Worker 383JF28
Heh. I just had this horrible...GHASTLY image of the Joker under that helmet of yours, Lord Vader. It just might keep me up tonight.
Is it okay if I link to your memoirs on my blog? I'd never presume to do so without your okay.
*nervously rubs throat*
Is it hard to find time to work on your blog while promoting your new film?
Ahh M'lord.....be careful. Your son sounds very strong....and may appeal to the human side of you that is obviously still there.
Scott,
It's hard to find time to do anything.
I will die with a long list of uncrossed-off items clutched in my gnarled hands.
I can't keep up with the comments here, though. Not this week. I'm up to my eyeballs lip-synching French animation and writing Internet articles to pay bills.
But for Vader, you make the time. I mean, c'mon.
This is the last time we all get to be this excited about Star Wars.
Love,
CheeseburgerBrown
Dear Isorion,
Blackberry ice.
Because it is cold and dark.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Dear Ugnaught Union,
You are too ugly to sell enough toys to be in a sequel. Ha ha.
Sincerely,
D. Vader
Lord Vader,
The emperor wishes to know your thoughts on a new outfit for imperial stormtroopers.
New Design
Most people don't appreciate the person behind the foreboding image. As a long time space pirate, surrounded often by incompetant crew and whiny enemies that require blaster bolts to the forehead to make them shut their mouths, I can sympathize.
Great blog, and I hope you get those family and work issues sorted out soon. Your boss sounds a bit like an ass, have you ever considered the benefits of a palace coup?
-Vork
Ya know, Darth (do you mind if I call you that)... ok..
Mr. Vader, Luke grew up without a real father figure. You might do better swaying him to your way of thinking by giving that train set he always wanted. Actually, you know what, he just wants to spend time with you. He's just angry because he misses you. That's all.
I mean no disrespect, but don't you think you bear some of the blame for how he turned out?
Lord Vader,
Forget about that pansy son of yours. I only wish I'd had a father as cool as you. If you buy me a pony, I'll even wear a mask like yours.
Sincerely,
trinamick
Darth, and I think I can call you Darth now, have you ever considered another color besides black? I mean, what with Spring coming on I would consider a pastel for a change.
Also, have you tried an exfoliate for that skin condition? Just a thought.
Bill
Dear Lord Vader;
Would it be possible for me to get one of those sculptures?
Thanks,
Tyler
Master Vader,
I represent a corporation known as Czerka. You might've heard of us. We are, after all, one of the biggest corporations in the galaxy. While reading your Blog, and after informing in the Blog about that defective leg of yours, it occured to us at Czerka that you are using an outdated Czerka Cybronic Leg. If you can head to our main offices at Corrusant, we would be more than happy to replace your outdated Czerka Cybronic Leg.
Sincerely,
Barn Arrak
Representative of Czerka Corporation
Lord Vader, your taste in decorating is just atrocious.
As a style conoisseur, drawn from years serving as Her Highness's handmaiden and occasional decoy, I have some style tips for you:
Lose the dreary, gloomy black/white/gray decor of your quarters. Your meditation chamber, in particular, should reflect a state of inner serenity and peace. Try hanging dreamcatchers and crystals inside it. Better yet, try using turquoise, scarlet, magenta, and emerald. These colors look good with black.
Add color to your stormtroopers' uniforms. Perhaps different colors could indicate rank.
Oh, and the Emperor? He needs a makeover. First, his teeth should be fixed. Next, he should visit a dermatologist.
You'll be pleased to know that a new program is in development: "Naboo Eye for the Sith Guy." Perhaps you could be our first guest?
Darthy,
I didn't feel too good when I woke up today.. a bit nauseous.. maybe all that physical work and pulling apart that protocol droid overworked me.. Just putting my helmet on just gave me a fever and headache. I felt so frustrated.. My team leader wanted me to help hold the wookie at the carbon chamber, but I just couldn't go.. I knew it would mean missing seeing you, but I didn't want to risk throwing up inside of my suit..
I spent the day writing a poem for you.. maybe I could slip it into your living quarters next week.. it starts like this..
Vader,
Tall, Strong,
Towering,
Sleek black metal...
I'm kinda stuck from there, but I'll finish it for you soon...
Your secret admirer,
Stormtropper #24457
Lord Vader.
As your humble servant, I have created a title graphic that I hope you will find acceptable. I would know no greater honor than if our Dark Lord would choose to use this for his memoirs. Please spare my life if you do not find it acceptable. I have grown rather attached to my trachea.
Click here to view the image.
Dude. Seriously. We don't want to bitch...but the MURDEROUS THUG you call your son is still decimating our young on his 'spring break' vacations. What is it with this guy? We never did squat to him...yet he feels it important to take a thirty thousand imperial credit trainer/farm cruiser (aka T16) and blow our children away?!
Come ON!! We've heard people accuse you of being on the dark side, and being all "hippie love in" with Luke and the Rebel Forces, but...damn...how many of us have to die before we get some respect? Seriously! All we want to do is subsist on the leavings of your "industrial" farming pods on some backwater desert worlds. Is that too much to ask?
We've tried to get in touch with your before, Lord Vader, and we know you're busy...but we are just about ready to unionize...which might be detrimental to your next promotion, if you get our drift.
So...can we count on your support for crushing Luke's trachea? Or should we, instead, place our votes with an alternate party in the next election?
The ball is in your court, Lord Vader.
Sincerely,
The Womp Rates
P.S. Can we have some cheese?
P.P.S. My wife takes HUGE offense at Luke's comment about us not being "much bigger than two meters". My wife is scarcely 1.4 meters long...and she is as sexy as the day her litter was flushed.
(( Well done on the colloquialisms for Boba Fett. For future reference, Kai is Maori, well done on that one bro, but wop-wops is very Australian. ;) And if you know about New Zealand, you know how we get about being confused with Australians ))
pissickabonah...
Good luck Darth Vader, nice blog...
You are a very talented blogger and shall I say writer, can't wait for Episode III.
XinanZhang™
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
very awesome blog....
"Dear Darth Vader...
I think about you everynight... You and your sexy mask of death... The gagging sound you make turns me on..."-
Extract from Darth Vader's box of creepy fan mail.
Cool blog, keep it up.
Also found within the creepy fan mail archives: this limited edition 'WE LOVE U DARTH VADER' shirts, now up for sale on ebay.
Dear Sir,
You seem to portray yourself as a sentimental Sith lord here. What is your take on videogames that portray you as a cruel beast otherwise?
- GameAxis (Intergalatic Gaming Journal Network)
HELLO DARTH VADER!!!
VADER SIR,
YOUR SON LOVES YOU BUT HE IS NOT ABLE TO SHOW IT BECAUSE HAN SOLO WILL GET JEALOUS.
Where did Boba learn the lingo? I only ask because I once had a fight with someone who fits his description in a pub in Ngaruawahia...
Hey Vader...
I left one of my darts in your "temporary office" on Cloud City. You think I could pop by and pick it up? Your "Battle of Geonosis" buddy, Boba.
Wop-Wops? Kia?
Good to see another who can speak the language of the outer rim.
Maybe you can help? My ranchslider's jammed after the missus backed the ute into it. Smashed up her shopping, a load of capsicum, some hokey-poke ice cream and pinapple lumps. Bugger.
like the idea, keep up the good work!
Heaven awaits the darth side, if he keeps appreciating his son.
You certainly come across as a cool dude for a father.
I have been the regular reader of your blog and I really enjoy your posts. The kind of stuff you provide is amazing is helpful as well.
very very nice blog thansk your informations... mr silici
You Sith bastard! You have not paid any child suppot for baby Skywalker to his uncle, and you intend him to live with you?
Get your hands off me, troopers! Get your hands... oh..ggnfzz.. my throat!...gnff
i am against of plastic use in any form...
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